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E Komo Mai

Steph

July 6, 2013, My Birthday

2015-02-14 Valentine's day in Brookings

2015-02-14 Valentine’s day in Brookings

This is my diary for transitioning to be who I really am – a woman.  It’s full of
advice that I hope will make other’s journeys smoother.

View my recent posts by clicking on the ‘Recent Posts’ titles on the right.  Or you can start at my first post and read on from there.  Please add your comments to any of the posts.

On some level, I knew almost from birth that I was different, that I did not match my natal sex either physically or fit what society expected of a natal male.  Back in the 1950′s, transsexualism just did not exist let alone understood at any level.  I did know that I ‘matched’ a female gender but like many other transsexuals, did not take this seriously.

Like everyone else in this situation, ignoring or attempting to put this aside only leads to this coming back with a vengeance.

In that regard, I am very fortunate.  About 10 years ago (in my 50′s) this started to ascend in my conscientiousness – gently becoming a force of its own, demanding attention, analysis and integration.   For most of my life I believed I just had these ‘extra’ capabilities.  I had this female energy and dynamics, but these were additive to what I thought was my maleness.

Then, 6 years ago I started on what I would call a quest to find out what this was and who I really am inside.  This lead to an intense analysis and recall of my life’s history, looking for clues and careful/critical analysis to make sure I wasn’t ‘talking myself’ into something – that this was real.  I have been seeing psychologists during this time to help with this process.

The beginning of 2013 was a turning point:  even though I knew I was a transsexual woman, I was still trying to prove and critically dis-prove it.  Then, with help from my psychologist it sudden became clear.  Before I still saw myself as a male but perhaps with a female inside – staying a male was acceptable.  Now, I saw that I am a female with a natal male body and that throughout my life, I had built up coping mechanisms to deal with societies expectations.

I am now in a process of removing all those layers and revealing the person that I am.  It is important to me to be able to express myself, emote, connect with the world as who I am – not as this act that I learned so well.  In other words, to embody my true self.

The posts that follow are documentation both of my journey, but also of things I’ve learned as time and transition progresses.

With Aloha,

Sifan


Postscript: Wow, it’s now a year and a half later as I write this postscript – time goes by quickly.  I’ve been on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and have had my SRS (sex reassignment surgery in Thailand).  As I write this I’m 3 months post-opt and still recovering.  Theoretically my transition has been completed.  I am now a woman physically, mentally, hormonally, chemically, physiologically, psychologically and sociologically – wheeee, a long journey with many changes indeed.  Many insights were gained that were totally beyond my comprehension when I first started this blog.  The posts that follow outline my journey, all the steps taken, my feelings and emotions, insights and ah-ha moments, pain and joy and discoveries both about myself but also about gender, as I made my way, step by step.  We are all different, that is why I publicly created this blog to track my journey so that others might benefit from what I have gone through.  I hope this brings clarity to those that are also on this journey.  At 64 years old, this should show that it is never too later either.  I wish for you, that you find the road to discovering your true self earlier and have more of your life to enjoy living authentically as who you really are.  I hope your journey is safe, enlightening, not too stressful and most of all – successful!

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2 responses »

  1. i just reread your “About”. It is such a beautiful “About” that it brought me to tears as i read it even the second time. i want to read it over and over again. i am 56 and am tired of fighting the lady i am to make my family happy. i was wondering if i am too old to transition……………..sigh i try soo hard to turn my heart from me but i keep leaking out somehow ((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))) thank you ma’am. i wish i was even half as brave as you are.

    Reply
    • Mahalo nui georgiakevin! You are, where I was, when everything started to come together and happen for me. A lot of what I now know was from hind-sight – I wish it wasn’t. And this is the reason I wrote this very public blog. Once I figured out who and what I am – I tried to ‘manage’ the transition as best I possibly could. I hope that is visible in these posts.

      But for me a lot of ‘damage’ occurred before I knew what was really going on (lost my first wife, family, job and house). It was only later that I can see that this was the root cause. I wish I would have known this far sooner and had been able to somehow steer a better course with less collateral damage.

      I had you in mind when I wrote my postscript above – I hope your journey is safe, enlightening, not too stressful and most of all — successful !!!

      {{{{HUGZZZZZ}}}

      Reply

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