Month 2 Summary

This is going faster than I anticipated !

Well, what was a maybe last month is a definite this month.  There is no doubt about it: my breasts have grown, there are real and at times they are very sensitive and sometimes they hurt!  Growing pains.  I really did not expect anything for a few months at the least, so I’m surprised and happy.  I’m even showing cleavage.

My endocrinologist had originally placed me on 1/4 the spiro dosage (25 mg) due to my marginally low blood pressure and of course the normal starting estrodiol level (1 mg gel, higher efficiency).  I had my second appointment with him and the blood tests were remarkable.  Total testosterone dropped from 401 to 73, free testosterone is down to 9 and estrogen is up to 159.  That is more estrogen and less testosterone than a postmenopausal women has and is where I was targeted to be at in 6 months!

At the end of the doctors visit, my partner asked if he would be upping my dosages —– I responded first with a ‘why’ … I’m there already”!  So now it’s just allowing the body to catch up and judging from the growing pains – it is.  It’s great to have these results with this low a dosage – these hormones are very powerful indeed.

You hear a lot of warnings about not doing this yourself with black market drugs etc. – I can sure support that.  From my support group (many of them also see the same doctor), we learned that everyone is different – different dosages, different hormones, etc.  Judging from myself – one really has to be monitored and appropriately prescribed.  This is powerful stuff and getting it wrong has lots of bad consequences.

A few other firsts this month:  first time en femme in a restaurant, shopping, and at a formal 5 star restaurant for my birthday.  With the help of my partner, I have found a ‘look’  that both suits me well and allows for a more comfortable (less stress that is) experience.

I submitted my name change and that was approved.  Now I am waiting for the official ‘order of change of name’ to proceed with changing all my documents.  I also obtained the paperwork, signed by my doctors, to allow the gender marker to be changed on my drivers license, social security and at work.  All of that should be finished this next month.

My concerns going forward are that I am now entering what I call the ugly duckling phase.  My breasts are growing and it will be harder to hid that fact.  At the same time my hair is not long enough yet, my face has not changed and I still have a lot of weight to lose.  It is going to take a lot of months to get through this phase.

Even though everyone at work knows about my transition, I still feel that I do not want to ‘push it’ so to speak, until both my body and myself (being comfortable presenting as a woman) are ready.

At least I am past the stage of having to be ‘ultra-femme’.  In a way, I see that was necessary to break out of the role or facade of life as a male.  We all have to rebel in order to transcend and find ourselves.  I would classify where I am now as a settling down in who I am – finding myself, my style, my ‘normality’.  Things are settling and because of that a lot of pressure, disphoria and discomfort are gone.  All the dreams and wishing and intense scrutiny and drive are now replaced with a contentment and a relaxing into finding and just being myself.  There is a long way to go – but there is tremendous progress and a joy in seeing and experiencing the reality of ‘me’ coming through.

We will be getting married next year and are starting our planning.  It will be a small wedding but that does not diminish the planning that is involved.  I am thoroughly enjoying sharing and planning this together with my love.  I started a wiki page to collect our thoughts, plans and track progress and decisions.  Its exciting and difficult finding a dress that will match my expectations and realistically a style that will suit me.  So much is starting to come together!

One happy trans camper ….

Sifan