This is something that happened the night before surgery. I never doubted or questioned what I was doing. I knew this must be done. But there was a piece of the puzzle that was missing. Now I know why.
The night before surgery, it all came to me. I had spent so much time on the mental aspects and removing the layers of learned male behavior some of which disgusted me (the testosterone fog). The piece that was missing was physical part. “Why would surgery matter if you are already living as a woman?” type of question.
But the night before, my early childhood came back to me. The memories of something wrong – it was supposed to be smooth down there, I was not supposed to have this thing sticking out. This was long before I know anything of the sexes – I just knew it was supposed to be smooth. In fact, I remember wondering how I could possibly urinate if it was smooth! Then my sister was born and for the first time I figured out what ‘smooth’ was supposed to be.
Fast forward to the night before surgery and my discussion with the psychiatrist, my mind had pushed that out of the way so completely, yet the extreme dissonance remained all my life and caused just as much grief as the mental aspects. But, just like the mental aspects, there were many layers of this physical part that also had to be removed – and that night before surgery it became clear.
After surgery I have to use a mirror when I do my ‘maintenance’ and the feeling of not only completeness but of wholeness is almost overwhelming. It’s like being back to what I was (even though I never was this way) but that is the feeling – being correct and true and just ‘me’. It is so wonderful, so incredibly ‘natural’ – I’m running out of words to describe this.
I’ve mentioned before about a body map, a part of the brain that sort of knows what you are, what you have, and where and what these parts are doing. The example often given is of an amputee who not only still feels their arm but can tell you exactly where it is in relation to their body. This body map for me is what tells me I’m female, both in the physical and the mental aspects. The memory from my childhood shows this clearly – I didn’t know what I was supposed to have down there, only that this didn’t match what my body map had. This is the HUGE relief I have now, when I do my dilation, etc. having to use a mirror and in contact with ‘me’. It is what was missing, it is what inside me says is supposed to be there. Now it is!!!!
With much aloha,
Sifan
Sifan's Journey 