RSS Feed

Category Archives: Diary

Update from the Coast

Posted on December 2, 2017 by sifankahale

Winter Ocean

It’s a foggy rainy winter day:  the ocean waves are noisy and pounding, the sand is once again back covering the bedrock of the beach.  Some flowers are just starting to bloom – amazing!  Fireplace is on and Bella, my cat, is cuddled and cozy on my lap – putting up with my typing, but occasionally demanding attention.

It is Thanksgiving, in a bit I will be preparing a dish to bring with me to the community dinner and celebration.  Tomorrow I’ll be joining my neighbors in another celebration next door.  I still have to figure out what I’m going to cook for that.

I just got home from up in Portland where I was attending the TDOR events (Transgender Day Of Remembrance).  We have come so far, but yet suffer so much – this is the highest number of murders yet in a single year.  It’s so sad.  One of the speakers, a very shy and private person, said she was out and active precisely because of the political climate now – that of all periods in history, this is so critically important – ‘now’.  She is right, not just for transgender, but for so many others as well.

Tree across snowy road in the high Cascades

As usual, I went the opposite direction on my way home (intentionally, in order to explore this beautiful land).  And as usual, I wound up high in the Cascade mountains, this time almost got stuck in the snow and had to backtrack almost 50 miles before I could cut back across.  I love these adventures and the raw nature that I’m experiencing!

So, where am I in my transition?  Am I still in transition?  Wow, good question!

Some say we are always in transition.  Hummm.  I guess that depends on what you mean.  I see myself growing, especially spiritually.  The changes now are those paths that would be followed regardless of physically and psychologically transgender related issues.  That would be a whole new post!

For the most part, I view myself as having transitioned to a woman or more precisely to a female (was born a woman).  Even during my drive across the country and staying in out-of-the-way places, I was never miss-gendered.  Which I consider somewhat remarkable given I traveled through some very conservative territories.

There are still some dysphoric moments:  my hair will be wet or blown and my face will look to masculine, a combination of clothes might make me look not feminine enough and there are times in a public place that I just have this feeling, uncomfortable and want to leave.  But a lot of my women friends feel this way at times as well.

 

Winter Blooms

There was a phase I went through where I felt I had to be overly feminine, perhaps out of a fear of not passing or perhaps that finally I’ve transitioned and had a lot to catch up on.  Lisa would call that ‘fru fru’!  I do miss being able to wear all the colorful flowery outfits in Hawaii.  It’s quite drab here on the coast compared to there.  Being here has certainly helped in grounding me fashion wise.  However, I do love to find a ‘fancy’ event so that I can dress up a bit!

Three year update – post transition (this section meant for those in transition or about to start):

Everything has settled down.  About a half year ago my Estrogen levels were way up, so my doctor cut me back by 25%.  I’m on Estradiol patches which I think are great!  I apply only twice a week, so very little maintenance compared to nightly rubbing gel on my thighs.  I don’t like shots and oral pills are not good for your liver – so this is the best solution for me.

I found (as many other sisters have) that I only need to dilate about twice a month.  Better still, I have regained the depth that the doctor measured right after the operation.  And … now and then I measured a greater depth.  I still use the ‘big’ dilator given me at the clinic.  I have had no issues with the exception of experiencing ‘Merlin’s Sword’ syndrome twice (didn’t use enough lube and it gets stuck).  If you’re dilating and this happens to you: take a deep breadth and ‘slowly’ twist and extract.  Not a biggie.

Another huge change a half year ago – I had a follicle transplant.  Today, those hairs are about 2 inches long!  Very soon I’ll be able to have them incorporated into a style and colored as well.  But already, it has made a huge difference in how my face looks.  This was the cause of a lot of additional dysphoria.  It’s so nice to get beyond that.

It took me awhile to determine if this was true:  I do have a roughly monthly cycle of bloating for about a week then a day of using the restroom almost every half hour!  This is also coupled with being more sensual and sensitive.  At first I thought maybe I drank too much coffee or something!  So I decided to keep track and yup, not quite monthly.  I wonder if others that have transitioned MtF have noticed anything like this?

Life beyond transition – yes, this was a lifesaver and was the second most important thing in my life (first was Lisa and oh do I wish she was still alive).

With much aloha,

Sifan

1 Comment

Posted in About, Diary, Transition, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

Starting my Life on the Oregon Coast

Posted on June 10, 2017 by sifankahale

Teaching at the Community College

I’ve been giving astronomy talks and presentations here in Oregon since I moved here last year.  This plus so many other activities have allowed me to make connections with lots of wonderful people here.

Last week I finished teaching the last course at the community college here.  It was a 2 hour talk about the up coming eclipse.  The head of the college introduced me by saying that once the community here found out I was an astronomer that everyone has been taking full advantage of me!  In the room were the fire chief, a talk radio host, news paper editor, city manager and a couple of other community leaders that have already had me at their meetings or on the radio or news paper!  They all had a good giggle!  Oh, and also the head of our Coronado Shores club where I live – they had me give 2 talks already as well.

I’m finally able to take it easy.  Except that I’m putting together what I need for the eclipse.  I bought a Nikon camera, telescope interfaces and accessories and software to automate both the telescope and the camera.  I’ve been out during the day with all the equipment testing out the setup.  My goal is to setup at the beach cabana here with the camera/telescope/computer and have a large screen monitor so everyone can watch at once (and not have to look through the telescope).  It’s coming along.  There are a few more pieces I need – just waiting for my next paycheck…

Oh – reminds me – I found this awesome astronomy dress – call ‘MoonStruck’.  It’s a maxi, dark with stars/moon/nebulas!  The last talk I gave (at the community college) I wore my star dress (knee length, glows in the dark …).  This will be a nice complement!  Got to do something unique for these talks – hate to wear the same thing everywhere …. (!!).

The biggest accomplishment for me was getting the final mortgage taken care of on the house here.  I now have a reverse mortgage so I am covered for the rest of my life.  There are no payments (I have to keep insurance and taxes up to day) and I can draw out the excess equity when I need (the equity earns >6% interest if I leave it in).  I’m not sure why – but this was a ‘huge’ relief for me.  I think I have a greater need for security than I realize…

Oh, you should see all the little things I’ve placed around the house and the garden.  In anticipation of the grandkids visiting, I’ve created little nooks out and around – some with little faeries, some with glowing colored stones, artwork and wind blown things – all match into the landscape so that one has to look for them and hopefully be delighted when found!  (Ok, grandkids was only an excuse …!!)  I remember Aunt Mae and her house in upper Michigan.  She had so many special places around her house.   Also, Lisa (and I) would create these intimate nooks in SecondLife.  These were very peaceful places to visit (as an avatar) and held meaning and beauty.  I have preserved all of those and go there often.  I am finding that my time in the virtual worlds have allowed me to find and cultivate more of my spirit than I had thought.  And now, I’m able to actualize these – not because I’m duplicating anything, but because this is me.  If anything that last statement is hindsight – it’s realizing after the fact that ‘oh, we did this in SL…’.

One other interesting correlation to SL:  Lisa had created a beautifully artistic tray and perfume bottles (and makeup) for a dressing table in SecondLife.  She even created a jeweled powder case.  After I finally moved here to Oregon and unpacked everything – including a dressing table we had in storage in Carlsbad – there it is – a try filled with beautiful colored perfume bottles in many shapes, a jeweled powder case and much more.  I just wish she was here to enjoy this with me!

I’ve been out and about on beaches, mountains tops, kayaking lakes and hiking out cliff edges …  Also posted pictures of sea lions and birds right from my deck here.  I am sooo glad I chose this location.  It really encompasses so many of the things my soul/spirit needs!  The people here are awesome.  I go to a woman’s breakfast, then we have a woman’s coffee and then there is a dine out.  This is in addition to picnics and potlucks.

I have a number of good friends now as well.  I meet my new good friends on Wends and Thurs mornings for “Life between Lives” and “Socrates Cafe”.  We go out after for lunch which usually winds up taking 5 hours!  I have a friend in Corvallis that will call me and we’ll get together for hiking or kayaking and another friend that will get together with me to go see plays and events at the Newport cultural center.  There are a couple of people up in Portland and also in Seattle that have been twisting my arm to come up and stay with them.  The neighbors on both sides of me are single women, and we will get together at each others house or go to events together.  So, I’m plugged in, it’s keeping me quite busy – ha, no time left for work!!

Oh, but the grief.  Yes …  It’s so very strange, there are times when I feel Lisa so so close, within me, and I feel comfort and bliss with her walking with me.  Then there are times when loss completely overcomes me and I’ll lay in bed crying for hours.  It’s been more of the former and less of the latter lately.  But the roller coaster continues.  I’ll never know.  Sometimes things trigger it – other times those same triggers are actually comforting as I am so very grateful to have spent these years with Lisa.  I just never know what a trigger might do to me.

An interesting thing happened a couple of weeks ago at one of the ‘Life between Lives” sessions.  One of the women there said she needed to talk to me after.  She said her ‘guides’ (she channels) had a very important message for me.  She said it was from a spouse that had passed away.  She said I was supposed to drink plenty of fluids – that (Lisa) was impeded from coming through to me because of this and that she would be able to communicate with me if I did.  This was interesting because a week or so prior to this, both my doctor and my electrologist had just told me the same thing!  Well, two days later, after drinking a lot of fluids, just before bed when I was very relaxed and calm – I had a nice ‘chat’ with Lisa!!!  In all the time since she passed away, I have never felt so serene and calm as that night and the following day.  Parts were even blissful!  I noticed that there was an intensity that night, that made it hard to maintain.  I’m still ‘pondering’ that (as Lisa would say…).
With Aloha,
Sifan

Leave a comment

Posted in About, Diary. Bookmark the permalink.

Finality – A Year of Grief and Loss

Posted on April 27, 2016 by sifankahale

A good friend of mine had lost her father and we discussed the finality of death and how hard it is to accept along with the grief and deep loss felt.  I thought I would post my reply here because this might help others.

My spouse, the most beautiful love I have ever shared, passed away a little more than a year ago now.  She was with me during my transition and during my operation.  So very supportive.  She passed away about 6 months after that operation.  This last year has been horrific in the pain of the loss and grief felt and accounts for the lack of posts on this blog site.  I know I’ve promised to write more here – enough so that I don’t dare promise anything except that I will try.  There are a lot of things I would like to write and I will.

Here is my response to the feelings of the finality when a person you love dearly passes:

Oh the finality …. I found there are two very distinct parts to that.  I spent 3 hours or so with Lisa’s body in the hospital after she was pronounced dead and before they came to pick her up (oh boy this is difficult to write…).  And then just before she was cremated I viewed her body for about 1/2 hour after which she was brought right to the back and cremated.  It was so hard leaving there, I walked backwards out the building looking at her the entire time until I could not anymore – my last sight of her physical-ness – ever.  Her brother was there with me and came rushing up to support me as I was stumbling and collapsing.

Even though this is so very hard to bring this memory back up – it ‘proved’ beyond a doubt that Lisa had passed – I knew from a visceral level that she was gone – no way to come back.  And that brought closure for me – in a way.
But then, more than a year later, I still grieve so intensely.  There seems to be another part of me that still battles that ‘finality’.  Some other aspect of myself.  From my experience it never goes away, instead I am just learning how to live again, how to get back my sense of purpose and enjoyment of life, but now living alone.  Everything seems ‘just under the surface’ and grief and loss strike at any time – still.  I have found that time helps with coping, but does not diminish the loss or grief and in a way the finality either.  Like you mentioned, we just learn to life like this now.
I do talk to Lisa all the time and in the first person.  I tell her about my day, ask her for help or guidance, etc.  I’m trying to learn how to live with her, together, but in this new ‘state’ of being or relationship.  That does help.
That was my response.  There is so much more about grieving and loss of a loved one to write about.  I will try…
Much Aloha,
Sifan
(much tears)

2 Comments

Posted in Death of a Spouse, Diary, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Months (Past One Year) Post Opt (WooooHooo)

Posted on December 4, 2015 by sifankahale
Lisa: a beautiful being

Lisa: a beautiful being

In my last post I thought I was ready and able to start writing again, since the loss of my precious beloved Lisa.  I guess I wasn’t all that ready.  This is coming up on nine months since she passed away and the grieving and loss is just as intense as it was then.  I am a bit stronger, I do have times now where I am enjoying life and times where I feel good and feel like I have my feet firmly on the ground and accomplishing things and proud of it.  It is like waves in the ocean (huge ones):  there are times when I’m struggling to get air and being tossed around like being inside a clothes dryer and there are times that I’m peacefully, calmly and confidently floating on top.

I had promised to write two other posts, one on the ways that Lisa has come to me and is present in my life and the other about handling grief and the process that I’m going through.  I have started both of those posts, but have not been able to finish – partly because of the continuing intensity of this grief.  Someone told me that the intensity of grief is a testament to the greatness of the love shared.  I firmly hold that as true.  Lisa and I had an intense love and life together.  It’s the type of love that as a teenager I had dreamed about, the kind one finds only in novels and great plays.  But it happened – it happened to us.  Terms like twin flame and soul mates don’t come close…

Leaving flowers at Lisa's memorial

Leaving flowers at Lisa’s memorial

It is a week to my 16th anniversary (and the day before my anniversary will be 9 months since Lisa passed away ….).  As a result, my 1 year anniversary of my SRS and becoming who I am inside now on the outside, was a pretty hard day with vivid memories of Lisa and I sharing the hospital room and her being constantly by my side plus all the times in Chonburi getting out and around.

Since the last post, I’m now dilating only once a week – I picked Sunday nights.  There were times when I missed a week and didn’t have any issues or problems the next time I dilated.  Some people I know only dilate only once a month.  I might go to that after my 2nd year anniversary but don’t think that would be a good idea right now.

I’ve traveled to the mainland twice this year already and will make another trip in Dec.   I think it’s important to visit Lisa’s and my family more often then we did before, especially after her passing.  During the first trip I held life celebrations for Lisa with everyone and together we scattered some of her ashes in places that were very special to her.  The second trip was just to be together with them, revisit some of these place but also to reminisce and just be together, as a family.  My trip in Dec will be along the same lines.  Although, this will be the first time back in Minnesota during their winter – not sure how smart of an idea this is, but the grand kids have been remembering me and I want to be there more often for them.

On the way to the airport when I was leaving Minneapolis to come home the last time – I got rear ended on the interstate.  I saw my doctor and she prescribed a month’s worth of therapeutic massages, twice a week!  I like this doctor!!  Those are wonderful, so relaxing and has helped my stiff neck and back that I had after the accident.  I have one more to go.  But I think I’ll come back once a month (on my own) from now on.  These really help reduce stress and relax the body.

Lisa and Mazie

Lisa and Mazie

Another major thing that happened is our (Lisa and my) cat Mazie passed away.  Mazie was a very affectionate and loving.  After Lisa passed away, Mazie would cuddle with me in bed and would always be on my lap when I got home.  It’s very interesting that Mazie came to us (appeared at our back lanai) after Lisa’s mother Mazel passed away.  Hence her name – Lisa named her after and in honor of her mother.  And now, Mazie passed away about 2 months after Lisa did.  She was here for Lisa!  This picture of Mazie on Lisa’s lap says it all.

Last week, a good friend of mine decided she is going to move to the mainland and would not be able to bring her cat along and asked me if I would take the cat (named Bella Marie).  Bella is 7 years old, a mix of Tobi and Siamese and is very loving as well.  At first I wasn’t sure I was ready.  Bella knew me from the times I would visit, so everything went exceptionally well when she was came to stay with me.  She is becoming just as affectionate as Mazie was – sitting on my lap and laying at foot of the bed at night, occasionally coming up and cuddling next to me.  And amazingly, she is toilet trained!  She is an indoor cat, so I don’t have the messes I had with Mazie trekking in all the dirt.  Bella is a huge help with my grief and loss of Lisa (and Mazie).  It’s great having her around the house.  Another loving being is now sharing the house with me!

I’m keeping myself busy – maybe a bit too busy.  For a couple of weeks I helped a good friend of mine with her business – spiced cacao.  I helped package, label, count and load everything up for a ‘Made in Maui’ huge event.  That was a lot of fun and met a lot of friends there.  She also took me out to a couple of Rotary outings, one was a Halloween party put on by a well known doctor here – that was awesome.

I’ve also been elected to the board of  Maui Pride.  For me this is a huge honor.  I’ll be helping with their events and planning.  They have monthly hikes, monthly dine outs, special events, etc.  Their largest event, the Maui Pride Fair, raises enough money to be able to hand out a dozen or so scholarships to LGBT students here.  They also help other organization on island with their fundraisers like “Woman helping Woman” and the AIDS foundation.

Through on of their events – a dine out – I met a wonderful couple.  A couple of weeks later I get an invite to their wedding!  It was beautiful.  They are both chefs and you can just imagine the festivities and food afterwords.  Well, last week was a birthday of a mutual friend, I was invited over to their house.  There were five of us women and we had a wonderful time.  It is so great to be accepted by them and to enjoy their company.  Now, I’ve been invited to share Thanksgiving with them.  What an honor!

Ok, on to transition and what’s it’s like for me at 16 months.  Again, so much has been eclipsed by Lisa’s passing, followed by the loss of Mazie our cat and also all three topical fish (basically every living thing in our house except me!).  It was just one thing after another.  Then that was followed by losing a number of precious items, like the ring from Lisa’s finger (that I took off of her in the hospital after she passed away).  So it’s been pretty tough.

It is nice only dilating once a week – that takes off a huge burden.  My breasts have been sore now and then, just like they were when a growth spurt occurred – and they have grown a bit more.  I had one scare however.  I had my first mammogram and they called me back to get an ultrasound.  It turns out I had a swollen lymph node and not to be worried.  However, this does point out how important it is to be checked.

So, a bit of TMI  (too much information) – stop here if you don’t want TMI ….

Everything ‘down below’ has healed well and functioning perfectly.  As a young boy I could never understand my mother when she always told me to clean myself very well down there.  What was there to clean any more then any other part of my body?  Well … things are sure different now and I now understand what she was referring to!  There are so many folds and creases down there that it’s a lot harder to clean.  I’m not sure what they call that white stuff that forms in the creases but it does not smell good.  Twice I asked my doctor and she showed me yet another crease or fold I didn’t know about, where this hid …. I’ve got ’em all now.

Big news is that I had my very first orgasm.  It was a small one, but it was one none the less!  A lot of trans*women have experienced their first orgasm at around 4 or 5 months post opt. But I had urinary problems when I came home from Chonburi and then a urinary infection back home that took months to clear up. A couple of months after that, the love of my life, my spouse Lisa passed away (she is a nurse and was with me in Chonburi for my operation).   I had a dream where Lisa came to me.  She wanted so much to give me my first one.  So, in a way she did.  Just like Lisa, an orgasm’s effects lasts for days after – sort of a glow – just like Lisa always had.  This is just one of many ways Lisa has been showing up – but that is for another post, perhaps another blog site.

So there were lots of factors contributing to not being able to orgasm when others had.  But, it finally happened.  Just wish my beloved Lisa would have physically been here with me ….. miss her so terribly much …

Those who are post opt and have not yet had an orgasm,  you need to be patient – it took me a year. And ‘yes’ to what most others have posted about this – it is different, both physically and mentally.  As a male we were used to ‘forcing’ it, powering through and everything was very focused (mentally and physically).  This is not the case now.  It’s now more about letting go, feeling the entire body, not being focused at all.  Instead being patient, not forcing anything, being open and sensing ‘all’ your feelings.  Here is an accurate but somewhat strange comparison:  for those of you that have had SRS surgery, it’s like the first time you had to urinate (usually they make you do this before you can leave the hospital).  You find out really quick that you can not do it the way you did as a male – you can ‘not’ force it out.  You have be patient, relax, no stress or strain and allow it to flow.  I’m glad I have transitioned.

Well, in the interests of getting this finished and posted, I’m going to finish here.  I can include more details in the next post.  Wishing everyone happy holidays!

With Aloha,

Sifan

Leave a comment

Posted in About, Advice, Death of a Spouse, Diary, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Transition, Transsexual and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Months Post-Op

Posted on July 10, 2015 by sifankahale
Sifan 7/10/2015

Sifan 7/10/2015

I’m not sure what to say, accept that I feel I need to post something.  Today marks 10 months since my SRS and birth into the physical reality of who I am.  Yesterday however, was the 3 month anniversary of when my beloved Lisa passed away.  This post will primarily cover transition.

The entirety of these past three months have been spent in grief, morning and loss.  People say I’m doing better, but it feels even worse than at first.  Nothing in my entire life has been this hard.  This is one of the reasons I could not post until now.  Not sure I’m ready to post now either but I feel I should.

I think I will be creating separate posts to cover the main things I’m going through and experiencing.  Those include the continuing transition (or perhaps it’s post transition now), the grief and loss of my spouse and what I’m going through and what is helping and the many ways that Lisa is showing up and making herself felt.  This last one is quite amazing.  Lisa is being felt by many and I have heard from a lot of people.  This has been an immense relief and comfort to me.

It does not relieve the grief and pain of loss.  After all these years of cuddling every night, all night long – my body experiences this loss so terribly.  But my spirit knows Lisa is with me and I experience her constantly.  These two things continue along at the same time – loss/grief and comfort.

Of course Lisa’s passing has completely eclipsed my transition.  I am very grateful that during this period of memorials, life celebrations and lots of public exposure that no one has ‘clocked’ me, no ‘he’ nor ‘him’ or sideways glances or inappropriate comments or remarks.  Actually I haven’t had anything like that for more than 1/2 a year now.  I’m not sure if that is because of looking more like a woman, acting more like a woman or because of my confidence in being who I am.  I think it’s all in the latter – confidence.  I’m not even thinking about whether I look like a woman or will I be ‘passing’ ok today, etc.   Thanks to my dearest Lisa, I have a confidence now that carries across.

As far as post op recovery is concerned:  wow, they are right – looking back, 6 months was the magical time!  As I stated in an earlier post, it almost happened overnight, the night before my 6 month anniversary.  I no longer used the seat cushion, the remaining pain went away, dilation was much easier, and on and on.

Since then, I have even ridden a bicycle!  Now that was something that the thought of before would send very unpleasant shivers up and down me.

I had a granulation between my labia on my right side that used to bleed now and then back in the months after I got home.  I was very concerned and was going to have my doctor here remove it.  The advice from Chonburi was to just leave it alone.  But I wondered what would become of it:  would it remain as a protrusion?  Would it fall off?  Would it just go back in?  Well now I have the answer – it goes back in.  It’s gone and everything looks good there.

However, my doctor noticed something else – it looked like a ‘Y’ shaped frenulum split my clitoris in half!  Sent off a picture to Chonburi and they said ‘oh oh – that needs a revision’.  Ouch.  The clitoris has ‘legs’ that come down inside the inner labia on a woman.  Apparently those legs are along the inner sides of the inner labia instead of underneath.  These are sensate, but not to the point of pain or it being a problem.  My doctor here said that unless they were effecting me, to not worry about it at all.  She also said to look at it this way:  I have ‘extra’ sensate areas – be glad !!  So, I have a normal clitoris, clitoral hood, frenulum etc., then directly below the frenulum I have these two longish bumps on each side between the upper inner labia that are also as sensate as the clitoris.  I’m happy with that!

For dilation, I’m now down to once every 3 days.  I am on the largest dilator, have been since before the 6 month mark.  I don’t have any problems, no pain and it’s been easy and fast to get to depth.  I will wait for another 2 months (my 1 year anniversary) before I cut down to once a week as recommended for that time and then for the rest of my life.  Trying to figure out what day I’ll do my dilations on when I get to once a week – hummm – Mondays? – nay, those are bad enough ….

I have finally stopped shaving the upper 1/2 of my face!  The electrolysis has progressed far enough along that she now cleans up anything from about midway from my chin to my lower lip and up, then has started on my jaw line and chin and below.  There is nothing to shave above that!  At last – this is soooo good.  However, hair is still growing on my chest and stomach and that is starting to really bother me.  It has slowed down and others have said that it will eventually stop given about 2 years or more of HRT.  But I’m starting to think I might have her do electrolysis there next if this continues.

I’m also having electrolysis on my eye brows and finding that very very helpful.  She applies a topical to numb the area – it’s still a bit more painful than other places but it’s a huge difference in how I look and I don’t have to pluck anymore.  What a relief.

One of the concerns I had recently was how to shave my back.  Lisa used to do that for me – in the hard places to reach, but now ….  Turns out at my doctor’s office they now have waxing and massage.  So I signed up for a waxing for my back, my ears and my nose.  Yes, nose!!  I was pleasantly surprised!  They use a topical to numb the inside of the nose and it really (for me) was not painful at all.  So this will become part of a tri-monthly routine for me now.

My breasts have grown a bit more – I’m a 42B and filling that in pretty solidly now.  I’m glad I did not get breast augmentation when I was in Chonburi – as they had recommended against it and said I would fill out a bit more.  I did and am very happy with what I have.  Mine are ‘on the sides’ a bit, so when I put on a bra I have to pull or tuck them in (and get ‘side’ control bra’s).  This makes them look a lot better as well.  One thing I learned the hard way however – a mosquito bite just under the bra band in the middle of my back is the very worst thing to have!!!  Can’t reach it plus the bra rubs it raw.  ACK !!!!

Finally, my hair is just below my shoulders and slightly wavy along the sides.  I love how it is styled and layered.  Just right.  Ya, I still have high spots on each side of my forehead and therefore have bangs that cover them.  I wish I could use other styles but I do like this one.  I’ve had my hair up and also in a ponytail – always wanted to do that.  I didn’t think I had that much of a ponytail until I caught a reflection in a cornered mirror – wow, it was nice and long – a ‘real’ ponytail at last!  Now if I could just get more hair to cover those high spots ….

I’m settling on a style!  I’m mostly wearing mid to long skirts with tank tops (here in Hawaii) along with cork wedge sandals (1.5 -> 2″) and almost always earrings and a necklace, sometimes a bracelet as well.  I don’t like pants but will wear jeans when I have to (like going to the summit or taking hikes).

Well, here you have it – my first post about transition after Lisa passed away.  Finally, I was able to write.  Hopefully shortly I will write about how Lisa has been showing up to me and others plus a post about grief/loss and coping.

With much aloha,

Sifan

1 Comment

Posted in About, Advice, Death of a Spouse, Diary, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Transition, Transsexual and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

My beloved Lisa has Passed Away

Posted on April 15, 2015 by sifankahale
Beloved Lisa

Beloved Lisa

It is with such great sorrow that I’m writing this post.

Friday, April 10th sometime in the night/early morning, Lisa passed away in her sleep from a heart attack.  She had always said she wanted to die in her sleep, being cuddled by me.  She got her wish.

The night before, when she went back to take her shower, she asked me if I was coming to bed too.  When I said yes, she exclaimed “Yayayayayay, I can’t wait for cuddles tonight”!

We were so very close, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We tightly cuddled each other every night for the entire time we have been together.  I’m also a very light sleeper and am awakened by almost any sound or her movement.  So I can confirm that Lisa passed away very peacefully and quite.  It was at 6:20 that her body rolled over onto me that I knew something was wrong.

I gave mouth to mouth, called EMC and gave CPR until they came.  But she had passed away a while before she rolled onto me.

Sifan & Lisa at Chonburi

Such a beautiful, strong and powerful person.  She had so many daemons from her past that she was fighting.  She had overcome the last one just the week before and her awakening and life was starting to blossom.  These struggles are what gave Lisa these powerful abilities to see clearly, to forgive and at the same time to speak her truth without excuses.   Everyone saw a very kind and loving person.

So many people have commented on the huge difference she has made in their lives.  More than a thousand people have posted or left comments for her.  A typical post says they never shed tears for the people in their life that has passed – but here is a woman they have never met in person and they are balling their hearts out for Lisa.  Lisa has that kind of effect …

As is the case almost all of the time – Lisa aspired to be what she was  – but never saw that she was actually there.  She was the person she was trying to be.  I had told her this many times, tried to point out the love others had for her and the respect they held for her.  Again, part of her childhood conditioning, derived from some horrible events in her childhood prevented her from accepting herself and these comments were not understood.

Just weeks ago, the little girl inside her that was traumatized way back then, was finally able to leave her dark cave and instead inhabit a beautiful bright girls room filled with dolls and toys and happy colors.  Lisa’s deepest parts had finally been rescued.  She related this to me a number of times along with a joy of moving past probably the most intense part of her life.

It was all of these trials that forged Lisa.  What you experienced in Lisa is a triumph of life succeeding where others would have drowned.  Her beauty, her personality, her insights and talents to write, to create videos and help others find their path, are all attributed to her struggles.  These are what forged her and allowed her to give us light.

Her intensity for awakening was so inspiring.  Her ‘Sharing Joy’ video is probably the most open and free expression of her spirit and of her awakened self.  When she first crossed that gateless gate – this is how she was  – for days.  She is so precious ….

More of Lisa’s work can be found at her YouTube site “One Spaciousness” and her WordPress site “One Spaciousness” and her FaceBook pages.

Lisa smelling the roses

Lisa smelling the roses

My love, my kealoha, your presence is felt, your love surrounds me.  I know you are at peace and are what you strived for – at one with the nothingness, which is everything.  I feel her surrounding me, others have stated the same for them.  She is here, everywhere.  And that is something, along with her life and being, that I am in celebration of.

Something Lisa always said and I also felt and would echo back to her:  “I love you more than I loved you yesterday.  And yesterday I had loved you the very most I ever could.  How can our love keep growing, growing beyond what I ever thought possible, growing beyond what I thought was the most I could ever love.  Yet here I am – I did it again!”

There are so many memories I want to try to get down on virtual paper – I will post those over on my blog “Sifan’s Journey”.  But here’s one:  every time I come home – every time – I would stand on the lower step into our house, close my eyes and pucker my lips.  Lisa would come out and kiss me, then we would come into the house and hug.   Every time ….  I am still doing that and can feel her especially during those moments now.

Lisa and Sifan as Easter bunnies in SL

Lisa and Sifan as Easter bunnies in SL

We actually met on Second Life, a virtual world that connects people from all over the world.  We still ‘played’ together there.  That allowed her to express her creativity in many beautiful builds that I will maintain and everyone can enjoy.  She was able to express her inner child and work out her issues here too.

My dearest Keahlo, I love you sooo deeply.  I miss your physical touch so intensely…  In what ever you are going through right now, don’t be scared, be assured I am here, loving you forever and giving you comfort in what ways I can.  You have heard me tell you “I am here” so many times – and you know I am and you have taken comfort and relief from that.  Please hear me now my love, I am here, always will be.  And I know and feel you as well.

Forever cuddles my love – forever …..

With the greatest love (and cuddles) ever,

Your kealoha, Sifan

17 Comments

Posted in Death of a Spouse, Diary and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Memo to my Former Self (2 of 3: to my 15 yr old self)

Posted on March 16, 2015 by sifankahale

This is the second in my series “Memos to my Former Self”.  The first was to my 7 year old self. This one is a letter to my teenage high school self.  I plan on writing a third one to my older self, when I was 57 when I was just on the cusp of finding out my truth.

I recently read a book (“Letters For My Sisters, Transitional Wisdom in Retrospect. Published by Transgress Press”) compiled with stories that trans* people wrote to their younger selves.  They were asked “what would you say to your former self” and “to what age”?

Steve: High School years

Steve: High School years

Heh Steve!  Hold up a minute. Ya, I know you just finished ROTC drill team practice and need to get ready for the dance tonight.  Kathy is a wonderful gal, you and her make a beautiful couple.  I know you are going to have fun tonight!

Oh, I’ll get around to that – I think you will quickly figure out how I know these things.  Let’s just say I’m not your average older woman and that we have everything in common …

Look, I know you are having a tough time right now.  Yesterday you were downtown walking up main street.  You looked a bit grim, very unusual for you huh?  You really really want the next 5 years to pass by with the snap of your fingers.  Guess what?  I’m proud of you for wishing that!  I know, seems strange that I would agree with you huh?  But what you don’t see is what underlies all of that.  Wishing this is your way of coping.  The alternative – quitting life – is not something you would ever consider, right?  Trust me, I very glad and proud of you for that.

This may seem like a strange thing to say, but I know that it is hard for you to be out in public, walking downtown or even the dance tonight.  At least tonight it will be dark and only Kathy will be noticing you, or at least that is what you hope.

It’s been difficult growing up, right?  Sort of conflicting a number of times.  Part of you was glad you finally started to shave but another part, deep down, was horrified.  Ya, I know you only felt the conflict and could not understand where it came from.

And Kathy – isn’t it wonderful to have a steady at last?  It’s not like you don’t have girl friends.  Seems like every single girl you meet is your friend.  But none (except Kathy) ever see you as anything other than, well, another one of their girl friends.  In fact, they would tell you things they would only tell their girl friends – and they would never ever tell a ‘boy’!

I know this made you feel very special.  And it should.  I also know that you have never doubted your maleness even in light of this.  Or in light of seeing how much different all the other boys are from you.  And it’s not just the normal differences between one individual and another.  We are talking ‘all’ the boys.  Not only that, you are disgusted with the attitudes of grown men, especially when it revolves around women.  People you looked up to and thought were great men and even your role models have this distorted view – objectifying them, seeing them as second rate and sexualizing them.  And oh my god, even priests (pun intended)!

Of course you don’t understand the men but do understand the women very well.  You have a lot in common with them.  That is why they come to you, as another one of their girl friends and also why they do not date you.  Same sex dating is a pretty big no-no right?  Yes, I know, you believe you are a man, but try to understand that from their perspective, you ‘know’ (and feel) to much.

Look, sorry, but I can not spill all the beans. I will give you some hints to try to help.  You have had some trauma in your early childhood that resulted in your hiding a large piece of yourself very deeply.  Sad to say, it is going to take almost the rest of your life to figure it out.  But that is ok.

You have done so much already with your life.  So many accomplishments – but everyone just writes those off and I know it seems like you even have to hide those or never talk about them for fear of ridicule or worse, being accused of the dreaded bragging.  Your mother will brag about your other brothers and your sister, but only complains to others about you.  This is so unfair – you are so much better – especially when you know what your brothers have done.  Somehow they still are the apple of your mom’s eye.

Hang in there Steve – know inside that you are better than just ok – you are awesome – even though no one else will ever acknowledge that.  I’ll give you a small hint:  they are jealous.  I’m sorry to tell you, but this will continue like that for the rest of your life with them.  But trust me, later in life, not only will you confirm this, but others will tell you this too.

Steve: finally a happy face! You were always so serious.

Steve: finally a happy face! You were always so serious.

You know how you always seem to need to accomplish things?  Sort of always feeling like you have to prove yourself?  Ya, I know, it’s a constant pressure.  You are always so serious, even your pictures show that.  Well, you know, all these things we just talked about contribute to this.  They all add up and compound the pressure to perform.  Unfortunately your deep dark secret is part of the cause of all of this.

That part about the girls seeing you as another girl friend?  And how disgusted you are about not just some but all other other boys?  Ya.  This has instilled in you a powerful drive to prove yourself from the very core of your being.

I commend you for picking and choosing honorable ways of proving yourself: the sciences, academically (not talking grades here, I know you have picked the toughest courses, way beyond what is expected and you are keeping your head above water) and emotionally.  Steve, you will find that it is very rare to combine feelings and sensitivities with both science and with being ‘manly’.  Your future partners (sorry to say, but yes, that is plural) will see this in you and tell you that was one of the main attractions they had for you.

Steve, these are all pointers to your true self.  Unfortunately, you will not figure this out for another 40 years.  In a strange way perhaps it is fortunate.  Right now, in the strict conservative society you live in, that society would destroy you, your life, your world would completely change and life would be very very tough indeed.  You will need to trust me on this.  Just keep these memories, these ‘pointers’.  They will come in handy later on in life.

For now, trust that you are on the right path.  Be the daring brave person you are.  Get out there and climb those cliffs (I mean this both figuratively and  literally – you are going to take huge risks in your life that you will succeed in and you are destined to be a technical mountain climber!).

Teenage Steve

Teenage Steve

You will start your own business, a high risk adventure that will last 8 years.  You and everyone involved will wind up far ahead in life and business because of what you start and do.  And you will get to fly a plane and almost get your private pilots license.  Your friends will invite you to come along with them to climb the cliffs by devils lake.  And that is before climbing hardware was used – you will learn how to tie ropes to form a safety belt and how to repeal with rope only!  You will be very daring and adventurous.  Some will say a bit too risky.  But you have calculated those risks – these are well chosen, well within your abilities.  You might not understand this, but you need to do these things.  You need to prove yourself, you always have. It has to do with your feelings of not fitting in as a boy, a man.

Oh and Kathy – what a gal!  You will have fond memories and attempt to find her later in life.  Unfortunately, the most you will find out is 5th hand information:  something about her living upstate, married, not very well off and not happy.  Sorry about that.  Your second love winds up as a medical doctor and lives in a very posh neighborhood, so I guess that balances things out.  You find others, some will break your heart, but you pick up and move on, even though you felt for sure “she was the one”.

A married Steve, about 25yrs old

A married Steve, about 25yrs old

Yes, you will get married (twice).  You will have two sons and you will have four wonderful grandsons.  Unfortunately, after they have left the house on their own, your deep secret will start to manifest and this will cause them a great amount of grief.  You will lose everything you had accomplished at that time: your marriage, your sons and their families, your job and your dream house on a northern lake, not to mention a lot of friends and other family.  The sad thing is that you will not even know why until years after.  That is when all the pieces will come together.

You will not be very happy with what you did to bring this on.  I’m not going to judge that one way or another.  It just is.  You will need to accept that and push on.

And there is good news after that:  you get married again, this time to another wonderful person and guess what?  You move to Hawaii and get the most awesome perfect job for you.  And even better, you finally figure out who and what you are, and you successfully change to be the authentic you.

Yes, you make it – in spades ….

Hang in there kiddo – those next 5 years you are wishing to pass will evaporate (maybe too fast).

… from your future self

 

 

 

5 Comments

Posted in About, Advice, Diary and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Memo to my Former Self (1 of 3: to my 8 yr old self)

Posted on March 16, 2015 by sifankahale

I recently read a book (“Letters For My Sisters, Transitional Wisdom in Retrospect. Published by Transgress Press”) compiled with stories that trans* people wrote to their younger selves.  They were asked “what would you say to your former self” and “to what age”?

I think this is brilliant and thought I would give it a go.  But I had a hard time determining the age that I would sent it too.  The best I could do was come up with was three different times of my life that I would have sent a letter to.  This is the first of those three.  I’m sending this to myself when I was in early grade school – about 8 or 9 years of age.

Steven: 7 Year old me

Steven: 7 Year old me

Hi Steven, it’s ok.  I know I must look ancient to you but please don’t be afraid.  I’m not one of those adults that tell you what to do or believe a child should be seen and not heard.  I know how tired you are of always being second tier: adults, older kids, bullies.

Your parents don’t give you credit for what you accomplish.  I know all you want is some recognition for your hard work. You just want to have some say in your life and some control over yourself, your life and your future.  I know…

And yet – look at yourself – one can see in your eyes how proud you are of yourself and of your determination.  Remember this, these are powerful tools that you have and that will get your through life.  And I’m sorry to say: you will need to remember this.

I have some great news and perhaps some scary and unbelievable news – about you and your future!

You know how every body in school picks on Billy, calls him names, thinks he’s slow and stupid and retarded?  You hate that.  You’ve seen how smart he is.  He just has a problem in front of people he does not know well.  But no one gives him credit, they just ridicule him and call him names.  Worse yet, you saw how his other friends attempted to stick up for him and then they got ridiculed and shunned.  I know this has kept you quite and that you held back from supporting him in public.  I know you feel bad about that too.

I’m not going to tell you that you should have stood up for him.  I know that you have something you are hiding that would make it even worse for you if anyone knew.  Surprised?  Yes, I knew you would be.  I’m sorry to say, that even at your very young age, trauma has forced your secret so deep that it will take many many years to reconnect to it.

I know you are scared, you saw how people treat Joey, calling him names like sissy and queer just because everyone thinks he acts like a girl and likes the other boys.  And I know you have some things in common with him.  And yes, I know you like girls not boys.  In fact you can’t understand boys and why they are the way they are.  They are so different than you – right?  And I know you are having problems understanding why you are so different.

You have spent a lot of time thinking about this, right?  A part of you knows you are more like all the girls around you then the boys.  Yes, I know, you ‘know’ you are a boy and just have these ‘extra’ abilities and sensitivities.  And that’s ok.  It really is ok.

I can see how all the kids at school would treat you and the very difficult time you would have if they knew.  And you have already seen what would happen from watching how they treat Billy and Joey and others.  You need to be protected and that is what your unconsciousness has done for you – buried this deeply.  And that is ok too.

You believe fitting in and doing what everyone tells you to do and achieving will make you successful.  And you know from watching others that doing this puts you ahead and in front of everyone else.  You have seen how competitive grade school is and know that success is not on the play ground or being the most popular with the kids.  You see the larger picture – it’s the adults and later life you are getting ready for.

Well, you are right!  But everything has a price.  Your price is burying something so deep that it will take 50 years before you find it and solve it.

Steve: at puberty

Steve: at puberty

This is ok too.  Everything has a give and take.  This will haunt you, you will not fully understand why or what it is.  There will be many times when life will give you huge clues, but you will simply ‘file them away’ only later to look back and finally put the pieces together.  Such is life I’m afraid.

Yes, it’s going to be hard.  There will be times you wish you could just skip forward 5 years – get past the awful times.  At least you will never think of calling it quits.  You are tough that way.

Please, take time to look back at your accomplishments and awards.  You need to know that you are accomplishing some really big and cool things.  I know they seem like nothing, like everyone else and that you feel you are not at all special – you are constantly being told this by your teachers, your parents and family and even the other kids.  But really, as you grow up, remember this:  take time to look back and assess your spectacular achievements – they really are wonderful accomplishments you know.  And you need to know that.

You have a wonderful enjoyment of life.  Your nature is to be happy.  This is going to serve you very well.  You love nature and many times you will go to her to help sooth yourself and solve the issues life throws at you.  Believe me, you have all the ‘tools’ you need and then some…

Let me give you a small peek at the rest of your life.  There are many hard times – much harder then what you are experiencing right now.  But you accomplish so much.  You will find and experience some of the most beautiful and joyous moments anyone could wish for.  The last job you have before retiring will be a dream come true for you.

Steven - about 7

Steven – about 7

You will have a family, grand-kids too.  They will be an awesome part of your life.  But, when you solve your deep secret, you will cause them great pain and will have to leave them.  The jury is still out if they will ever reconcile.  Like I said, everything has a price.  I’m sorry to tell you this.

I’m not going to comment on good or bad.  Life just is.  Things that seem bad usually turn out much much better – although it takes time before that happens.  You will always be happy and content with life.  You will continue to achieve and to enjoy life.

Solving your deep secret will free you – in ways you just can not imagine.  Yes, I know I have not told you what that is.  I’m sorry, but if I did, so much of your life would be different.  I really do wish you could figure it out now, at your age.  Yes, your life would be easier in some ways, but you would miss so many of life’s struggles and these struggles are what will shape you into a wonderful person that you will become.  Unfortunately, these hard times really are necessary.

With so much love and admiration,

… your future self

 

5 Comments

Posted in About, Advice, Diary and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Months Post-Op

Posted on March 10, 2015 by sifankahale
3/11/2015 Working at the summit

3/11/2015 Working at the summit

The ‘big’ 6!  This is the second milestone of recovery from SRS (4 months, 6 months and 1 year).  At 4 months the contractions and nerve re-connections pretty much stopped.  Now at 6 months most of the rest of the constant pain has gone away.  Whereas before it felt like something very hard was just inside under everything – that has now gone away.  Before, there was a constant low level pain – every second.  Regardless of what I was or was not doing – I always felt “down there” – constantly.  Only when I took pain medicine was it normal – with out pain or a constant swollen feeling.

Now, it’s just occasionally that there is any pain down there.  Today I didn’t even use my seat cushion at work – and I worked at the summit (it’s harder when working up there).  I’ve graduated to only using my seat cushion if it’s a hard chair.  Trust me – that is a lot of progress!  I can also sleep at night without having a pillow between my legs to keep them apart.

This all happened the day before my 6 month anniversary.  Just like the 4th month anniversary, seems like it took me right up until the day before for things to fall into place – but they did …

I’ve gained about 8 pounds since the operation.  Now that I’m feeling better, I’m going to start my walking again.  I bought a weighted hula-hoop for exercise too.  And oh boy – it’s not so easy to lose weight like it was before.  My goal is to drop another 30 lbs over the next year.

It’s been very cold here in Hawaii, especially upcountry here.  It’s been down in the 50’s.  Now, back when I lived in Minnesota, with furnaces in every house, even at -40 below zero, our house was a nice comfortable 72.  But we do not have heaters here.  So when it’s 50 degrees outside, it’s ever so slightly warmer inside – like 52 ….  That is cold even for Minnesota for inside.  And worse:  since my operation it’s very easy for me to get a chill.  I feel like I’m freezing almost all the time.  Life has changed.

I have three wonderful women that I’m privileged to have had as mentors as I transitioned to full womanhood.  Lisa of course and two others that I work with at the observatory.  One of them now, no longer works there.  She is the only one that would wear a dress or a skirt to work.  Almost everyone else is in t-shirts and jeans.  She was my inspiration for many things, style was one of them.  She is also the person that ran interference for me when I first started using the women’s restroom.  The other woman at work has also been an inspiration and huge help.  I would best describe her as a ‘wild woman’ in the best way – the way we all should aspire too.  Lisa on the other hand is my conservative mentor – right down the middle of the other two.  She keeps my feet on the ground and everything ‘real’.  I’m fortunate to have these three woman around me and mentoring me.

I still see the woman, that left the observatory, for lunch now and then, and just gave her and her sister’s family a tour of our observatory.  They had two sons, 5 and 9 I believe.  The older son was asking lots of very good questions – I wish everyone that I gave tours to would ask these kinds of questions!  But the younger child was getting bored fast.  He raised his hand and when I asked what his question was, he stated:  “I raised my hand three times …”  Oh dear ….

The spring is a busy time for me as I’m preparing and getting ready for some astronomy outreach events.  I am giving a demonstration on how we find NEOs (near earth objects – asteroids that are close to the earth’s orbit) using a 3D virtual model of our observatory.  The first is for the University of Hawaii’s open house in Manoa (Oahu) and then on the big island for their AstroDays celebration.  Later I teach about 320 3rd graders some elementary astronomy.  So I’ve been busy polishing up my presentations.  I enjoy these!

Soon we will be going back to Brookings to look for houses or lots again.  More houses and lots will be coming back on the market with the coming of spring.  Lisa is diligently watching and saving those we are interested in.  I can’t wait to get back there.  That is a magical place – just like Maui is.  Like other times in my life, it seems when it’s time to move on, I get behind it and put my energy into it.  It’s not that I want to leave, it’s just that I know I must.  I am going to miss Maui greatly.  I have spent two decades traveling the globe, have lived in a number of places – none I would actually call home, any more than home was where-ever I was.  Maui was the first and only place that actually was a home to me – and always will be.  This is the only place where the land beneath my feet has a deep connection to my spirit.  I chose my surname to honor this:  literally “the home”.  This is hard, but I embrace this move to Brookings and am investing my future there.

Not sure if I’ll couple a trip back to Minnesota with the next Brookings trip or the one after.  But I can not wait to go back and see my two sons, their wives and the four grandsons I have now.  And also to see many of my friends and some old friends that have stayed with me.  Somehow, now, this is very important to me, this re-connection.  I think a lot of this has to do with feeling that, for them, I’m now on the other side of transition.  The last time I saw them was when I came out to them at the very beginning of all of this.  I know so much more now and am so different from back then (it’s been awhile).  I wish I could go back to that time with the knowledge I have now.  Now, few will ask, most will quietly attempt to accept and carry on.  I wish I would have the opportunity for a full and deep discussion with them – but I truly doubt that a situation would arise to allow it.  Advice for others:  make it good the first time ….

For the first time I’m seeing scientific and medical papers being published about older transsexuals and the uniqueness of our stories, especially my story.  Today, children 4 or 5 years old express their gender truth and because there is enough information out there, parents, schools and society acknowledges them and they never have to live their lives coping with disphoira (it’s getting there – there are still a lot of horror stories).  For those older but not my generation, there was enough information, usually hidden, but enough that they knew they were the opposite gender even though they did not know the terms for it or if anyone else was like them or anything else about it.  They usually fought it – they became ultra-masculine: top navy seal, football quarterback for a top 10 team, even getting married and having children – as a way to prove to themselves they were what society said they were – men.

But older than that – me for example – there just wasn’t such a thing – nothing and society back then was very strict and fierce.  The only option, at least the way I explained it to myself, was that I was different – I was a boy, but I had all these other abilities (which were all feminine – but these all got twisted into somehow being masculine and acceptable).  But it really comes down to what we are inside and when that is in direct conflict with society (everything external to us, family, school, friends, relations, etc.) and this conflict is dangerous – then our subconsciousness deploys protection mechanisms.

When I was very young, I had a number of incidents that wound up driving this deep underground.  I was also a fast learner and when I saw others in deep trouble, this reinforced my protections.  Since there was no way to know or understand what my conflict was all about – part of me simply hid and made up a story – a story that would take 60 more years to unravel (see my beginnings blog for more information).  It’s nice to see these research papers basically stating the same – at last.

A number of people (family, spouse, older friends) have mentioned that they never saw this coming.  Along the lines of “I just don’t see how you could have hidden this for all these years – I did not see any indications of this in you”.  Well, nether did I !!  That is a consequence of how we create these protections within ourselves.  Ask anyone who has had childhood trauma, for example repeated familial rape.  They might even see the perpetrators as benevolent as they have to in order to survive.  These protections last a life time and only when things are ‘safe’ and these protections are no longer needed, will cracks start to appear and slowly layers upon layers peal back to reveal what actually happened – and we slowly heal.  It took seven years with a therapist and a ‘safe’ environment with Lisa to be able to bring all this out and start to understand.  And as I’ve stated before:  “As I allowed myself to become more of a woman, I started to notice something. It was more like my maleness was falling away then a femaleness was being attained. I was not becoming more of a woman, rather, like layers of an onion, my maleness was being peeled back.  I realized, I’m not becoming a woman – I am a woman.”

It is also of interest that both my ex-wife and my spouse now, have said that what initially attracted them to me were these female ‘sensitivities’ in a male.  They both see that it was the woman that I was underneath that was the attraction:  “you are not like other men….”.  Of course neither see themselves as anything other than heterosexual and would not have even giving me the time of day if I was a woman when we first met.  And of course when we first met – I still thought I was a man – only with all these ‘extras’.

These two things have always been difficult for me to explain:  why I didn’t have a clearer picture of myself as a girl at an early age and why no one, including myself, understood this or could even see my transsexualness for most of my life.  Only in hindsight is all of this clear to me.  I hope this post helps to answer this for you.  I’m glad to see research covering this as well.

What a journey!

With aloha,

Sifan

1 Comment

Posted in About, Advice, Diary and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Months Post-Op

Posted on February 20, 2015 by sifankahale
2015-02-14 Valentine's day in Brookings

2015-02-14 Valentine’s day in Brookings

Lisa and I are spending Valentines day in Brookings Oregon.  We came here to look for and buy a house that we’ll move into when I retire in about one and a half years.  Very exciting!

However, it was a long flight over, then a 7 hour wait at San Francisco before catching a 1.5 hour flight up to Crescent City, then a car ride to Oregon.   This plus all the driving around and looking at houses  – which were mostly out in the mountainous forests – has really had an effect on me ‘down there’.  I’ve been walking all around, up and down and in one case hiking around a 20 acre parcel.  As a result, I’ve been bleeding from those granulations on my vestibule.  This was a bit more than what has happened before, but at least I know what it is and where it’s from.  As a result, I’m much more ‘relaxed’ about it although it means going through pads and liners and checking more often.  And there is a general constant pain down there – had to take some pain medication twice already.

We found a house and made an offer.  I can now rest a bit and keep things off ‘down there’ to help heal better.  Wearing tights and at one point jeans was pretty hard on me.  Perhaps having those two granulations right in the middle between the inner labia is why it seems like this is taking longer for me to heal and get off using the seat cushion.  My third granulation is between the inner and outer labia and that seems to behave itself now.  That was the one that always bled a bit.  I’m hoping these other two will settle down as well.

Up until last month, the pain was mostly in the swollen outer labia and the ‘bowling ball’ then ‘golf ball’ hard feeling was just above the clitoris by the pubic bone.  Although there is still some tenderness there, that has subsided for the most part.  Now it seems the pain has moved down along the sides and sometimes around the intruitus.  The nerve re-connections have diminished but I still have a sudden sharp but bearable quick pain now and then – not enough to make me jerk or jump.

I also have correlated my exercise walks or long rides or anything were it’s either bumpy for a while or where my legs are moving, with increased pain the next day.  This also happens if I work at the summit for a long hard day.  One time I was feeling pretty good, went around the block once, still felt pretty good so I wound up going around 3 times (it’s a big block with a steep section of about 60 feet up and down).  I had to stay in bed the next day, nothing on, legs apart and on pain meds.  That also happened after I had a long hard day at the summit too.  Seems like I’m always slowly learning ….

I saw the endocrinologist and he basically said not to worry about the low levels of estrogen I had on the last blood test.  As I stated last month it could have to do with any number of things.  The levels were great on the blood tests a month before.  I’ll have another blood test just before I see my GP and we’ll retest my levels then.

Last month I also said my breasts were growing again.  Yup, they are.  They are getting firmer (actually harder) and once again are sore and tender at times.  I bought new bras that give me a bit more room and those help.  I can’t wear shelf-bra camis any more without something underneath – rats – those were very comfortable.

I’m finding that I can cut down on my dilations a bit too.  Instead of dilating once every day, I can miss one once in a while and not have any issues the next day.  This is nice, especially when I have had a day that was hard on my new parts and left me bleeding (or ‘spotting’ as they say….).  I always wear liners so at least I’m not going through panties.  I remember at Chonburi, even with pads, I was going through a dozen panties each day – got them washed every day and repeated – what a mess.  I still have a bit of discharge and will go through about 3 or 4 liners each day – but what a long ways from what it used to be.  That is something I’m going to bring up with my GP – I’ll ask her about this discharge and make sure all is well.  I believe it’s just part of the healing process, but want to make sure.

I’m making good progress on electrolysis – I’m supposed to stop shaving my upper lip starting on Wends now.  I think after the next session I will have to stop shaving there completely.  Already I’m not supposed to shave where my sideburns used to be and I think I will have to cut back shaving my lower lip this next time too.  I’m going for 2 hour session every Monday and this is starting to make a difference!  Oh that feels so good.  Normally, on a flight to the mainland like I just did, especially with a 7 hour layover, I would be very concerned about a 5 o’clock shadow – now it’s only beneath my chin and that is almost all white and not that noticeable.  It was always something I would worry about – where would I shave?  Women’s restroom? – no way, and just about everywhere during a flight is somehow always in a ‘public’ area …. ack.  At least now I don’t have that ‘urgent’ of a problem ….

I was a bit concerned about others’ reactions to me in southern Oregon.  This is not the open and accepting Hawaii!  It’s not exactly redneck either but it is more conservative here.  And since this is where I will be living, hopefully the rest of my life – it is important for me to be able to be accepted and yes, ‘pass’.  To my surprise even the most strident and conservative didn’t even bat an eye and I was met with ma’am, you ladies etc. the entire time.  I’m just an older woman that looks a bit masculine as do most others that live in the woods and small towns around here.  I fit in quit nicely.

The best compliment I received was from Lisa after seeing me standing next to and talking with our Realtor (a guy named Tiny and of course he was huge).  Lisa could not believe how perfectly and normally feminine I was. She said I looked like a relaxed, casual woman.  The best part of it was that I was just being ‘normal’, I was not putting on ‘airs’.  Now, compare this to any situation before as a man where everything was posturing and every situation analyzed and having to act appropriately as a guy ….  Now, not a thought is placed, not a posture imposed – I’m just letting it flow, being natural and being my true self.  Oh this is so nice.  Feeling more as myself, being comfortable and being accepted as is.   This is part of what this transition was all about!

I had mentioned before about ‘owning’ my new parts.  The clinic in Chonburi had mentioned this a number of times:  “You need to stop treating your new parts as a surgical wound that has to heal and instead ‘own’ it, know it, let it become part of you”.  Well there are levels of understanding this.  When it’s sore and painful, requires lots of attention and every little change, regardless of how minor but especially if major, causes great concern and worry, it’s very hard to treat this as anything but a surgical wound requiring the utmost of care, attention and paranoid cleanliness!  And of course this is a ‘catch 22’ – the more care and attention the more it’s a surgical site – the more it hurts or causes pain the more care and attention …  It’s inspected daily, it’s carefully cleaned at least twice a day, etc.  That is one level of the meaning of what they said – know it.

Another level is slowly letting it ‘become’ me.  Now this part is tricky:  on a very visceral level my body knows this is me, so does my head.  I think others have had problems adjusting to this change of anatomy – I have not – it was immediately acknowledged by my entire being the moment I came to after surgery.  For me this is more of an issue with the constant low level, almost chronic pain that causes me to still see this as a surgical site.  This will take time and the acknowledgement that so much progress has already been made.  And I have previews of what it will be like.  When I’m on pain meds (which is not that often now) I have a wonderful taste of what life will be like with out this chronic pain – and it’s awesome!

I’m finding yet another level to their saying as well.  Even though this was also told us and is in our ‘care’ booklet – I never connected it to ‘owning’ my new parts.  They highly encourage us to ‘get to know’ our parts.  And they don’t mean the names for all the parts and pieces – they mean to explore, touch, feel and experience all/everything there is.  See what does what, what feels what, how different parts react and what does not.

I was amazed:  last month I talked about how dilating was separate and didn’t have anything to do with where the pain was (thank goodness….).  But in exploring around I’m finding out a number of things.  One is that everything ‘down there’ is pretty tough!  Even though there is pain – everything is still sensate and can take quite a lot and just like dilation – it has nothing to do with the pain areas.  Not only that, if there is too much stimulus, instead of hurting, it slowly shuts down – not quite a numbing effect – but sort of dulls out gradually.  Even the granulations behave!  This does connect me with my new parts in a way that I had not contemplated and is allowing me to fully accept this as ‘me’ – to own it!

This is not something new – this is advice that is given to every woman, not just transsexuals.  Very few women understand or know themselves and as a result accept this essential part of ourselves.  Too often it is looked upon as a handicap, source of pain and constant care and cleaning: paranoid cleanliness (I’m starting to understand my mother’s obsessions with cleanliness…).

This last bit brings me to a wonderful production I just saw:  “The Vagina Monologues”.  The stylist I see invited me to come along with her and 5 of her friends.  Seven women sharing our experiences, stories and emotions during this show.  We laughed, cried, cheered and clapped.  We shared pride, horror and commonality with all women.  We connected and were inspired.  This is a wonderful way for ‘any’ woman to reconnect to our being, to bring us up out of the oppression and taboos surrounding our Vaginas and to celebrate that which is a part of us and to ‘claim’ it!  So very powerful, so necessary and so inspiring.  Mahalo nui e’ tita!

A good friend of mine was part of this production.  She and one other transsexual woman performed a ‘monologue’ on transgender.  Beautifully done and well received by everyone in the theater.  This has inspired me to write a monologue.  The entire way home that day I came up with verse after verse.  When I got home I quickly jotted everything down.  When I finish I will post it here and place a link to it from this post.

In summary, this was a major surgery – like any other, it is taking a very long time.  Progress is slow, but progress is being made.  My unique process of ‘owning’ my new parts is taking a new and deeper turn.  This combined with experiences both with public acceptance far from home and acceptance and sharing on a deep and personal level with women at home in an inspiring production of the Vagina Monologues has allowed me to be a natural, casual, relaxed woman.  It is so awesome to be authentic!

With much aloha,

Sifan

 

 

 

1 Comment

Posted in Advice, Diary and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.
← Older Posts
→