Tag Archives: MTF

16 Months (Past One Year) Post Opt (WooooHooo)

Posted on December 4, 2015 by sifankahale

Lisa: a beautiful being

In my last post I thought I was ready and able to start writing again, since the loss of my precious beloved Lisa. I guess I wasn’t all that ready. This is coming up on nine months since she passed away and the grieving and loss is just as intense as it was then. I am a bit stronger, I do have times now where I am enjoying life and times where I feel good and feel like I have my feet firmly on the ground and accomplishing things and proud of it. It is like waves in the ocean (huge ones): there are times when I’m struggling to get air and being tossed around like being inside a clothes dryer and there are times that I’m peacefully, calmly and confidently floating on top.

I had promised to write two other posts, one on the ways that Lisa has come to me and is present in my life and the other about handling grief and the process that I’m going through. I have started both of those posts, but have not been able to finish – partly because of the continuing intensity of this grief. Someone told me that the intensity of grief is a testament to the greatness of the love shared. I firmly hold that as true. Lisa and I had an intense love and life together. It’s the type of love that as a teenager I had dreamed about, the kind one finds only in novels and great plays. But it happened – it happened to us. Terms like twin flame and soul mates don’t come close…

Leaving flowers at Lisa’s memorial

It is a week to my 16th anniversary (and the day before my anniversary will be 9 months since Lisa passed away ….). As a result, my 1 year anniversary of my SRS and becoming who I am inside now on the outside, was a pretty hard day with vivid memories of Lisa and I sharing the hospital room and her being constantly by my side plus all the times in Chonburi getting out and around.

Since the last post, I’m now dilating only once a week – I picked Sunday nights. There were times when I missed a week and didn’t have any issues or problems the next time I dilated. Some people I know only dilate only once a month. I might go to that after my 2nd year anniversary but don’t think that would be a good idea right now.

I’ve traveled to the mainland twice this year already and will make another trip in Dec. I think it’s important to visit Lisa’s and my family more often then we did before, especially after her passing. During the first trip I held life celebrations for Lisa with everyone and together we scattered some of her ashes in places that were very special to her. The second trip was just to be together with them, revisit some of these place but also to reminisce and just be together, as a family. My trip in Dec will be along the same lines. Although, this will be the first time back in Minnesota during their winter – not sure how smart of an idea this is, but the grand kids have been remembering me and I want to be there more often for them.

On the way to the airport when I was leaving Minneapolis to come home the last time – I got rear ended on the interstate. I saw my doctor and she prescribed a month’s worth of therapeutic massages, twice a week! I like this doctor!! Those are wonderful, so relaxing and has helped my stiff neck and back that I had after the accident. I have one more to go. But I think I’ll come back once a month (on my own) from now on. These really help reduce stress and relax the body.

Lisa and Mazie

Another major thing that happened is our (Lisa and my) cat Mazie passed away. Mazie was a very affectionate and loving. After Lisa passed away, Mazie would cuddle with me in bed and would always be on my lap when I got home. It’s very interesting that Mazie came to us (appeared at our back lanai) after Lisa’s mother Mazel passed away. Hence her name – Lisa named her after and in honor of her mother. And now, Mazie passed away about 2 months after Lisa did. She was here for Lisa! This picture of Mazie on Lisa’s lap says it all.

Last week, a good friend of mine decided she is going to move to the mainland and would not be able to bring her cat along and asked me if I would take the cat (named Bella Marie). Bella is 7 years old, a mix of Tobi and Siamese and is very loving as well. At first I wasn’t sure I was ready. Bella knew me from the times I would visit, so everything went exceptionally well when she was came to stay with me. She is becoming just as affectionate as Mazie was – sitting on my lap and laying at foot of the bed at night, occasionally coming up and cuddling next to me. And amazingly, she is toilet trained! She is an indoor cat, so I don’t have the messes I had with Mazie trekking in all the dirt. Bella is a huge help with my grief and loss of Lisa (and Mazie). It’s great having her around the house. Another loving being is now sharing the house with me!

I’m keeping myself busy – maybe a bit too busy. For a couple of weeks I helped a good friend of mine with her business – spiced cacao. I helped package, label, count and load everything up for a ‘Made in Maui’ huge event. That was a lot of fun and met a lot of friends there. She also took me out to a couple of Rotary outings, one was a Halloween party put on by a well known doctor here – that was awesome.

I’ve also been elected to the board of Maui Pride. For me this is a huge honor. I’ll be helping with their events and planning. They have monthly hikes, monthly dine outs, special events, etc. Their largest event, the Maui Pride Fair, raises enough money to be able to hand out a dozen or so scholarships to LGBT students here. They also help other organization on island with their fundraisers like “Woman helping Woman” and the AIDS foundation.

Through on of their events – a dine out – I met a wonderful couple. A couple of weeks later I get an invite to their wedding! It was beautiful. They are both chefs and you can just imagine the festivities and food afterwords. Well, last week was a birthday of a mutual friend, I was invited over to their house. There were five of us women and we had a wonderful time. It is so great to be accepted by them and to enjoy their company. Now, I’ve been invited to share Thanksgiving with them. What an honor!

Ok, on to transition and what’s it’s like for me at 16 months. Again, so much has been eclipsed by Lisa’s passing, followed by the loss of Mazie our cat and also all three topical fish (basically every living thing in our house except me!). It was just one thing after another. Then that was followed by losing a number of precious items, like the ring from Lisa’s finger (that I took off of her in the hospital after she passed away). So it’s been pretty tough.

It is nice only dilating once a week – that takes off a huge burden. My breasts have been sore now and then, just like they were when a growth spurt occurred – and they have grown a bit more. I had one scare however. I had my first mammogram and they called me back to get an ultrasound. It turns out I had a swollen lymph node and not to be worried. However, this does point out how important it is to be checked.

So, a bit of TMI (too much information) – stop here if you don’t want TMI ….

Everything ‘down below’ has healed well and functioning perfectly. As a young boy I could never understand my mother when she always told me to clean myself very well down there. What was there to clean any more then any other part of my body? Well … things are sure different now and I now understand what she was referring to! There are so many folds and creases down there that it’s a lot harder to clean. I’m not sure what they call that white stuff that forms in the creases but it does not smell good. Twice I asked my doctor and she showed me yet another crease or fold I didn’t know about, where this hid …. I’ve got ’em all now.

Big news is that I had my very first orgasm. It was a small one, but it was one none the less! A lot of trans*women have experienced their first orgasm at around 4 or 5 months post opt. But I had urinary problems when I came home from Chonburi and then a urinary infection back home that took months to clear up. A couple of months after that, the love of my life, my spouse Lisa passed away (she is a nurse and was with me in Chonburi for my operation). I had a dream where Lisa came to me. She wanted so much to give me my first one. So, in a way she did. Just like Lisa, an orgasm’s effects lasts for days after – sort of a glow – just like Lisa always had. This is just one of many ways Lisa has been showing up – but that is for another post, perhaps another blog site.

So there were lots of factors contributing to not being able to orgasm when others had. But, it finally happened. Just wish my beloved Lisa would have physically been here with me ….. miss her so terribly much …

Those who are post opt and have not yet had an orgasm, you need to be patient – it took me a year. And ‘yes’ to what most others have posted about this – it is different, both physically and mentally. As a male we were used to ‘forcing’ it, powering through and everything was very focused (mentally and physically). This is not the case now. It’s now more about letting go, feeling the entire body, not being focused at all. Instead being patient, not forcing anything, being open and sensing ‘all’ your feelings. Here is an accurate but somewhat strange comparison: for those of you that have had SRS surgery, it’s like the first time you had to urinate (usually they make you do this before you can leave the hospital). You find out really quick that you can not do it the way you did as a male – you can ‘not’ force it out. You have be patient, relax, no stress or strain and allow it to flow. I’m glad I have transitioned.

Well, in the interests of getting this finished and posted, I’m going to finish here. I can include more details in the next post. Wishing everyone happy holidays!

With Aloha,

Sifan

Sifan’s Vagina Monologue

Posted on March 19, 2015 by sifankahale

The Vagina Monologues

A couple of months ago I was fortunate to be able to see a local production of ‘The Vagina Monologues’ here on Maui. I was invited to come along with six other woman. It was a quit the experience. A lot of bonding, a lot of laughing, some crying. but everyone came away with a deeper sense of what it means to be a woman and a sense of ‘owning’ this important part of ourselves.

For me it was an initiation of sorts. It allowed me to be proud of who and what I am. It got me in touch with myself – much deeper appreciation of a vital part of myself that was missing for the majority of my life.

One of the monologues had to do with a transsexual woman’s experience. It was read by a good friend of mine who is a trans-woman like me. At one point she declared: “I payed for my Vagina!” Well, all the way home that night, my mind came up with verse after verse of a monologue that I would have given. I decided I should put the virtual ink to virtual paper and post this.

I had to pay for my Vagina
(The Voice of a Transsexual Vagina)

I was born a woman without a vagina. I have had to deal with the confusion, societies stereotypes and misunderstandings for most of my life – like more than 60 years.

From the very start, my first memories are of knowing that I was supposed to be ‘smooth’ down there. I didn’t know what smooth was supposed to look like until many years later when my baby sister was born.

Early trauma involving my mother and then school had triggered my subconscious into protection mode. It felt the misunderstandings, the stereotypes and the hatred that society had towards me so it convinced my conscious mind that I wasn’t a woman.

Me convincing me by achieving ‘manly’ goals to prove it: technical mountain climbing, small plane pilot, long mountain treks, marriage, children and grandchildren, even starting a high risk business.

Who and what am I? How could I be a woman without a Vagina? Where is my authentic self and what is it?

But my body knew even if my head did not. Waking up after surgery, at the birth of my Vagina – I had a visceral feeling that I was now back to how I ‘used to be’. After surgery, somehow these sensations were ‘known’ and ‘normal’ to my body and I was at peace. Before, it was a constant irritation and cause of deep dysphoria.

There are many costs that had to be paid:

My Vagina cost me over $20,000 and a trip to the other side of the world.

It is going to cost me almost as much and two years for electrolysis and other procedures to correct what testosterone and puberty has done to my body. Some of those things can not be changed.

It cost me a month of pain: 5 hours of surgery, 7 days in a hospital and 23 days in a hotel next to the clinic to give birth to my Vagina Some of this was the most severe pain of my life.

Four months of blood and fluid loss, of intense contractions as my Vagina healed.

A loss of everything I had before: some friends, part of my family, a great job and a dream house on one of the 10,000 Minnesota lakes.

Other transsexuals have lost their lives to suicide or have been murdered because some people cannot deal with our authenticity, our truth.

My trans*Sisters – OUR sisters – live with this reality daily.

Our Vagina is an integral part of my ‘our bodies. It is vitally important to be in connection with and ‘own’ our Vaginas.

All my life, my body knew this even though my head did not. I paid for my Vagina with gender dysphoria.

Puberty robbed my body of many essential feminine traits.

I am still ‘paying’ for my Vagina ….

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Posted in About, Transition, Transsexual and tagged Being Female, GRS, MTF, SRS, Transgender, Transsexual, Vagina Monologue. Bookmark the permalink.

Memo to my Former Self (2 of 3: to my 15 yr old self)

Posted on March 16, 2015 by sifankahale

This is the second in my series “Memos to my Former Self”. The first was to my 7 year old self. This one is a letter to my teenage high school self. I plan on writing a third one to my older self, when I was 57 when I was just on the cusp of finding out my truth.

I recently read a book (“Letters For My Sisters, Transitional Wisdom in Retrospect. Published by Transgress Press”) compiled with stories that trans* people wrote to their younger selves. They were asked “what would you say to your former self” and “to what age”?

Steve: High School years

Heh Steve! Hold up a minute. Ya, I know you just finished ROTC drill team practice and need to get ready for the dance tonight. Kathy is a wonderful gal, you and her make a beautiful couple. I know you are going to have fun tonight!

Oh, I’ll get around to that – I think you will quickly figure out how I know these things. Let’s just say I’m not your average older woman and that we have everything in common …

Look, I know you are having a tough time right now. Yesterday you were downtown walking up main street. You looked a bit grim, very unusual for you huh? You really really want the next 5 years to pass by with the snap of your fingers. Guess what? I’m proud of you for wishing that! I know, seems strange that I would agree with you huh? But what you don’t see is what underlies all of that. Wishing this is your way of coping. The alternative – quitting life – is not something you would ever consider, right? Trust me, I very glad and proud of you for that.

This may seem like a strange thing to say, but I know that it is hard for you to be out in public, walking downtown or even the dance tonight. At least tonight it will be dark and only Kathy will be noticing you, or at least that is what you hope.

It’s been difficult growing up, right? Sort of conflicting a number of times. Part of you was glad you finally started to shave but another part, deep down, was horrified. Ya, I know you only felt the conflict and could not understand where it came from.

And Kathy – isn’t it wonderful to have a steady at last? It’s not like you don’t have girl friends. Seems like every single girl you meet is your friend. But none (except Kathy) ever see you as anything other than, well, another one of their girl friends. In fact, they would tell you things they would only tell their girl friends – and they would never ever tell a ‘boy’!

I know this made you feel very special. And it should. I also know that you have never doubted your maleness even in light of this. Or in light of seeing how much different all the other boys are from you. And it’s not just the normal differences between one individual and another. We are talking ‘all’ the boys. Not only that, you are disgusted with the attitudes of grown men, especially when it revolves around women. People you looked up to and thought were great men and even your role models have this distorted view – objectifying them, seeing them as second rate and sexualizing them. And oh my god, even priests (pun intended)!

Of course you don’t understand the men but do understand the women very well. You have a lot in common with them. That is why they come to you, as another one of their girl friends and also why they do not date you. Same sex dating is a pretty big no-no right? Yes, I know, you believe you are a man, but try to understand that from their perspective, you ‘know’ (and feel) to much.

Look, sorry, but I can not spill all the beans. I will give you some hints to try to help. You have had some trauma in your early childhood that resulted in your hiding a large piece of yourself very deeply. Sad to say, it is going to take almost the rest of your life to figure it out. But that is ok.

You have done so much already with your life. So many accomplishments – but everyone just writes those off and I know it seems like you even have to hide those or never talk about them for fear of ridicule or worse, being accused of the dreaded bragging. Your mother will brag about your other brothers and your sister, but only complains to others about you. This is so unfair – you are so much better – especially when you know what your brothers have done. Somehow they still are the apple of your mom’s eye.

Hang in there Steve – know inside that you are better than just ok – you are awesome – even though no one else will ever acknowledge that. I’ll give you a small hint: they are jealous. I’m sorry to tell you, but this will continue like that for the rest of your life with them. But trust me, later in life, not only will you confirm this, but others will tell you this too.

Steve: finally a happy face! You were always so serious.

You know how you always seem to need to accomplish things? Sort of always feeling like you have to prove yourself? Ya, I know, it’s a constant pressure. You are always so serious, even your pictures show that. Well, you know, all these things we just talked about contribute to this. They all add up and compound the pressure to perform. Unfortunately your deep dark secret is part of the cause of all of this.

That part about the girls seeing you as another girl friend? And how disgusted you are about not just some but all other other boys? Ya. This has instilled in you a powerful drive to prove yourself from the very core of your being.

I commend you for picking and choosing honorable ways of proving yourself: the sciences, academically (not talking grades here, I know you have picked the toughest courses, way beyond what is expected and you are keeping your head above water) and emotionally. Steve, you will find that it is very rare to combine feelings and sensitivities with both science and with being ‘manly’. Your future partners (sorry to say, but yes, that is plural) will see this in you and tell you that was one of the main attractions they had for you.

Steve, these are all pointers to your true self. Unfortunately, you will not figure this out for another 40 years. In a strange way perhaps it is fortunate. Right now, in the strict conservative society you live in, that society would destroy you, your life, your world would completely change and life would be very very tough indeed. You will need to trust me on this. Just keep these memories, these ‘pointers’. They will come in handy later on in life.

For now, trust that you are on the right path. Be the daring brave person you are. Get out there and climb those cliffs (I mean this both figuratively and literally – you are going to take huge risks in your life that you will succeed in and you are destined to be a technical mountain climber!).

Teenage Steve

You will start your own business, a high risk adventure that will last 8 years. You and everyone involved will wind up far ahead in life and business because of what you start and do. And you will get to fly a plane and almost get your private pilots license. Your friends will invite you to come along with them to climb the cliffs by devils lake. And that is before climbing hardware was used – you will learn how to tie ropes to form a safety belt and how to repeal with rope only! You will be very daring and adventurous. Some will say a bit too risky. But you have calculated those risks – these are well chosen, well within your abilities. You might not understand this, but you need to do these things. You need to prove yourself, you always have. It has to do with your feelings of not fitting in as a boy, a man.

Oh and Kathy – what a gal! You will have fond memories and attempt to find her later in life. Unfortunately, the most you will find out is 5th hand information: something about her living upstate, married, not very well off and not happy. Sorry about that. Your second love winds up as a medical doctor and lives in a very posh neighborhood, so I guess that balances things out. You find others, some will break your heart, but you pick up and move on, even though you felt for sure “she was the one”.

A married Steve, about 25yrs old

Yes, you will get married (twice). You will have two sons and you will have four wonderful grandsons. Unfortunately, after they have left the house on their own, your deep secret will start to manifest and this will cause them a great amount of grief. You will lose everything you had accomplished at that time: your marriage, your sons and their families, your job and your dream house on a northern lake, not to mention a lot of friends and other family. The sad thing is that you will not even know why until years after. That is when all the pieces will come together.

You will not be very happy with what you did to bring this on. I’m not going to judge that one way or another. It just is. You will need to accept that and push on.

And there is good news after that: you get married again, this time to another wonderful person and guess what? You move to Hawaii and get the most awesome perfect job for you. And even better, you finally figure out who and what you are, and you successfully change to be the authentic you.

Yes, you make it – in spades ….

Hang in there kiddo – those next 5 years you are wishing to pass will evaporate (maybe too fast).

… from your future self

5 Comments

Posted in About, Advice, Diary and tagged Internal Transition, Letter to my former self, MTF, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

Memo to my Former Self (1 of 3: to my 8 yr old self)

Posted on March 16, 2015 by sifankahale

I think this is brilliant and thought I would give it a go. But I had a hard time determining the age that I would sent it too. The best I could do was come up with was three different times of my life that I would have sent a letter to. This is the first of those three. I’m sending this to myself when I was in early grade school – about 8 or 9 years of age.

Steven: 7 Year old me

Hi Steven, it’s ok. I know I must look ancient to you but please don’t be afraid. I’m not one of those adults that tell you what to do or believe a child should be seen and not heard. I know how tired you are of always being second tier: adults, older kids, bullies.

Your parents don’t give you credit for what you accomplish. I know all you want is some recognition for your hard work. You just want to have some say in your life and some control over yourself, your life and your future. I know…

And yet – look at yourself – one can see in your eyes how proud you are of yourself and of your determination. Remember this, these are powerful tools that you have and that will get your through life. And I’m sorry to say: you will need to remember this.

I have some great news and perhaps some scary and unbelievable news – about you and your future!

You know how every body in school picks on Billy, calls him names, thinks he’s slow and stupid and retarded? You hate that. You’ve seen how smart he is. He just has a problem in front of people he does not know well. But no one gives him credit, they just ridicule him and call him names. Worse yet, you saw how his other friends attempted to stick up for him and then they got ridiculed and shunned. I know this has kept you quite and that you held back from supporting him in public. I know you feel bad about that too.

I’m not going to tell you that you should have stood up for him. I know that you have something you are hiding that would make it even worse for you if anyone knew. Surprised? Yes, I knew you would be. I’m sorry to say, that even at your very young age, trauma has forced your secret so deep that it will take many many years to reconnect to it.

I know you are scared, you saw how people treat Joey, calling him names like sissy and queer just because everyone thinks he acts like a girl and likes the other boys. And I know you have some things in common with him. And yes, I know you like girls not boys. In fact you can’t understand boys and why they are the way they are. They are so different than you – right? And I know you are having problems understanding why you are so different.

You have spent a lot of time thinking about this, right? A part of you knows you are more like all the girls around you then the boys. Yes, I know, you ‘know’ you are a boy and just have these ‘extra’ abilities and sensitivities. And that’s ok. It really is ok.

I can see how all the kids at school would treat you and the very difficult time you would have if they knew. And you have already seen what would happen from watching how they treat Billy and Joey and others. You need to be protected and that is what your unconsciousness has done for you – buried this deeply. And that is ok too.

You believe fitting in and doing what everyone tells you to do and achieving will make you successful. And you know from watching others that doing this puts you ahead and in front of everyone else. You have seen how competitive grade school is and know that success is not on the play ground or being the most popular with the kids. You see the larger picture – it’s the adults and later life you are getting ready for.

Well, you are right! But everything has a price. Your price is burying something so deep that it will take 50 years before you find it and solve it.

Steve: at puberty

This is ok too. Everything has a give and take. This will haunt you, you will not fully understand why or what it is. There will be many times when life will give you huge clues, but you will simply ‘file them away’ only later to look back and finally put the pieces together. Such is life I’m afraid.

Yes, it’s going to be hard. There will be times you wish you could just skip forward 5 years – get past the awful times. At least you will never think of calling it quits. You are tough that way.

Please, take time to look back at your accomplishments and awards. You need to know that you are accomplishing some really big and cool things. I know they seem like nothing, like everyone else and that you feel you are not at all special – you are constantly being told this by your teachers, your parents and family and even the other kids. But really, as you grow up, remember this: take time to look back and assess your spectacular achievements – they really are wonderful accomplishments you know. And you need to know that.

You have a wonderful enjoyment of life. Your nature is to be happy. This is going to serve you very well. You love nature and many times you will go to her to help sooth yourself and solve the issues life throws at you. Believe me, you have all the ‘tools’ you need and then some…

Let me give you a small peek at the rest of your life. There are many hard times – much harder then what you are experiencing right now. But you accomplish so much. You will find and experience some of the most beautiful and joyous moments anyone could wish for. The last job you have before retiring will be a dream come true for you.

Steven – about 7

You will have a family, grand-kids too. They will be an awesome part of your life. But, when you solve your deep secret, you will cause them great pain and will have to leave them. The jury is still out if they will ever reconcile. Like I said, everything has a price. I’m sorry to tell you this.

I’m not going to comment on good or bad. Life just is. Things that seem bad usually turn out much much better – although it takes time before that happens. You will always be happy and content with life. You will continue to achieve and to enjoy life.

Solving your deep secret will free you – in ways you just can not imagine. Yes, I know I have not told you what that is. I’m sorry, but if I did, so much of your life would be different. I really do wish you could figure it out now, at your age. Yes, your life would be easier in some ways, but you would miss so many of life’s struggles and these struggles are what will shape you into a wonderful person that you will become. Unfortunately, these hard times really are necessary.

With so much love and admiration,

… your future self

5 Comments

Posted in About, Advice, Diary and tagged Being Female, GRS, Internal Transition, Letter to my 8 year old self, MTF, SRS, Transgender, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Months Post-Op

Posted on March 10, 2015 by sifankahale

3/11/2015 Working at the summit

The ‘big’ 6! This is the second milestone of recovery from SRS (4 months, 6 months and 1 year). At 4 months the contractions and nerve re-connections pretty much stopped. Now at 6 months most of the rest of the constant pain has gone away. Whereas before it felt like something very hard was just inside under everything – that has now gone away. Before, there was a constant low level pain – every second. Regardless of what I was or was not doing – I always felt “down there” – constantly. Only when I took pain medicine was it normal – with out pain or a constant swollen feeling.

Now, it’s just occasionally that there is any pain down there. Today I didn’t even use my seat cushion at work – and I worked at the summit (it’s harder when working up there). I’ve graduated to only using my seat cushion if it’s a hard chair. Trust me – that is a lot of progress! I can also sleep at night without having a pillow between my legs to keep them apart.

This all happened the day before my 6 month anniversary. Just like the 4th month anniversary, seems like it took me right up until the day before for things to fall into place – but they did …

I’ve gained about 8 pounds since the operation. Now that I’m feeling better, I’m going to start my walking again. I bought a weighted hula-hoop for exercise too. And oh boy – it’s not so easy to lose weight like it was before. My goal is to drop another 30 lbs over the next year.

It’s been very cold here in Hawaii, especially upcountry here. It’s been down in the 50’s. Now, back when I lived in Minnesota, with furnaces in every house, even at -40 below zero, our house was a nice comfortable 72. But we do not have heaters here. So when it’s 50 degrees outside, it’s ever so slightly warmer inside – like 52 …. That is cold even for Minnesota for inside. And worse: since my operation it’s very easy for me to get a chill. I feel like I’m freezing almost all the time. Life has changed.

I have three wonderful women that I’m privileged to have had as mentors as I transitioned to full womanhood. Lisa of course and two others that I work with at the observatory. One of them now, no longer works there. She is the only one that would wear a dress or a skirt to work. Almost everyone else is in t-shirts and jeans. She was my inspiration for many things, style was one of them. She is also the person that ran interference for me when I first started using the women’s restroom. The other woman at work has also been an inspiration and huge help. I would best describe her as a ‘wild woman’ in the best way – the way we all should aspire too. Lisa on the other hand is my conservative mentor – right down the middle of the other two. She keeps my feet on the ground and everything ‘real’. I’m fortunate to have these three woman around me and mentoring me.

I still see the woman, that left the observatory, for lunch now and then, and just gave her and her sister’s family a tour of our observatory. They had two sons, 5 and 9 I believe. The older son was asking lots of very good questions – I wish everyone that I gave tours to would ask these kinds of questions! But the younger child was getting bored fast. He raised his hand and when I asked what his question was, he stated: “I raised my hand three times …” Oh dear ….

The spring is a busy time for me as I’m preparing and getting ready for some astronomy outreach events. I am giving a demonstration on how we find NEOs (near earth objects – asteroids that are close to the earth’s orbit) using a 3D virtual model of our observatory. The first is for the University of Hawaii’s open house in Manoa (Oahu) and then on the big island for their AstroDays celebration. Later I teach about 320 3rd graders some elementary astronomy. So I’ve been busy polishing up my presentations. I enjoy these!

Soon we will be going back to Brookings to look for houses or lots again. More houses and lots will be coming back on the market with the coming of spring. Lisa is diligently watching and saving those we are interested in. I can’t wait to get back there. That is a magical place – just like Maui is. Like other times in my life, it seems when it’s time to move on, I get behind it and put my energy into it. It’s not that I want to leave, it’s just that I know I must. I am going to miss Maui greatly. I have spent two decades traveling the globe, have lived in a number of places – none I would actually call home, any more than home was where-ever I was. Maui was the first and only place that actually was a home to me – and always will be. This is the only place where the land beneath my feet has a deep connection to my spirit. I chose my surname to honor this: literally “the home”. This is hard, but I embrace this move to Brookings and am investing my future there.

Not sure if I’ll couple a trip back to Minnesota with the next Brookings trip or the one after. But I can not wait to go back and see my two sons, their wives and the four grandsons I have now. And also to see many of my friends and some old friends that have stayed with me. Somehow, now, this is very important to me, this re-connection. I think a lot of this has to do with feeling that, for them, I’m now on the other side of transition. The last time I saw them was when I came out to them at the very beginning of all of this. I know so much more now and am so different from back then (it’s been awhile). I wish I could go back to that time with the knowledge I have now. Now, few will ask, most will quietly attempt to accept and carry on. I wish I would have the opportunity for a full and deep discussion with them – but I truly doubt that a situation would arise to allow it. Advice for others: make it good the first time ….

For the first time I’m seeing scientific and medical papers being published about older transsexuals and the uniqueness of our stories, especially my story. Today, children 4 or 5 years old express their gender truth and because there is enough information out there, parents, schools and society acknowledges them and they never have to live their lives coping with disphoira (it’s getting there – there are still a lot of horror stories). For those older but not my generation, there was enough information, usually hidden, but enough that they knew they were the opposite gender even though they did not know the terms for it or if anyone else was like them or anything else about it. They usually fought it – they became ultra-masculine: top navy seal, football quarterback for a top 10 team, even getting married and having children – as a way to prove to themselves they were what society said they were – men.

But older than that – me for example – there just wasn’t such a thing – nothing and society back then was very strict and fierce. The only option, at least the way I explained it to myself, was that I was different – I was a boy, but I had all these other abilities (which were all feminine – but these all got twisted into somehow being masculine and acceptable). But it really comes down to what we are inside and when that is in direct conflict with society (everything external to us, family, school, friends, relations, etc.) and this conflict is dangerous – then our subconsciousness deploys protection mechanisms.

When I was very young, I had a number of incidents that wound up driving this deep underground. I was also a fast learner and when I saw others in deep trouble, this reinforced my protections. Since there was no way to know or understand what my conflict was all about – part of me simply hid and made up a story – a story that would take 60 more years to unravel (see my beginnings blog for more information). It’s nice to see these research papers basically stating the same – at last.

A number of people (family, spouse, older friends) have mentioned that they never saw this coming. Along the lines of “I just don’t see how you could have hidden this for all these years – I did not see any indications of this in you”. Well, nether did I !! That is a consequence of how we create these protections within ourselves. Ask anyone who has had childhood trauma, for example repeated familial rape. They might even see the perpetrators as benevolent as they have to in order to survive. These protections last a life time and only when things are ‘safe’ and these protections are no longer needed, will cracks start to appear and slowly layers upon layers peal back to reveal what actually happened – and we slowly heal. It took seven years with a therapist and a ‘safe’ environment with Lisa to be able to bring all this out and start to understand. And as I’ve stated before: “As I allowed myself to become more of a woman, I started to notice something. It was more like my maleness was falling away then a femaleness was being attained. I was not becoming more of a woman, rather, like layers of an onion, my maleness was being peeled back. I realized, I’m not becoming a woman – I am a woman.”

It is also of interest that both my ex-wife and my spouse now, have said that what initially attracted them to me were these female ‘sensitivities’ in a male. They both see that it was the woman that I was underneath that was the attraction: “you are not like other men….”. Of course neither see themselves as anything other than heterosexual and would not have even giving me the time of day if I was a woman when we first met. And of course when we first met – I still thought I was a man – only with all these ‘extras’.

These two things have always been difficult for me to explain: why I didn’t have a clearer picture of myself as a girl at an early age and why no one, including myself, understood this or could even see my transsexualness for most of my life. Only in hindsight is all of this clear to me. I hope this post helps to answer this for you. I’m glad to see research covering this as well.

What a journey!

With aloha,

Sifan

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5 Months Post-Op

Posted on February 20, 2015 by sifankahale

2015-02-14 Valentine’s day in Brookings

Lisa and I are spending Valentines day in Brookings Oregon. We came here to look for and buy a house that we’ll move into when I retire in about one and a half years. Very exciting!

However, it was a long flight over, then a 7 hour wait at San Francisco before catching a 1.5 hour flight up to Crescent City, then a car ride to Oregon. This plus all the driving around and looking at houses – which were mostly out in the mountainous forests – has really had an effect on me ‘down there’. I’ve been walking all around, up and down and in one case hiking around a 20 acre parcel. As a result, I’ve been bleeding from those granulations on my vestibule. This was a bit more than what has happened before, but at least I know what it is and where it’s from. As a result, I’m much more ‘relaxed’ about it although it means going through pads and liners and checking more often. And there is a general constant pain down there – had to take some pain medication twice already.

We found a house and made an offer. I can now rest a bit and keep things off ‘down there’ to help heal better. Wearing tights and at one point jeans was pretty hard on me. Perhaps having those two granulations right in the middle between the inner labia is why it seems like this is taking longer for me to heal and get off using the seat cushion. My third granulation is between the inner and outer labia and that seems to behave itself now. That was the one that always bled a bit. I’m hoping these other two will settle down as well.

Up until last month, the pain was mostly in the swollen outer labia and the ‘bowling ball’ then ‘golf ball’ hard feeling was just above the clitoris by the pubic bone. Although there is still some tenderness there, that has subsided for the most part. Now it seems the pain has moved down along the sides and sometimes around the intruitus. The nerve re-connections have diminished but I still have a sudden sharp but bearable quick pain now and then – not enough to make me jerk or jump.

I also have correlated my exercise walks or long rides or anything were it’s either bumpy for a while or where my legs are moving, with increased pain the next day. This also happens if I work at the summit for a long hard day. One time I was feeling pretty good, went around the block once, still felt pretty good so I wound up going around 3 times (it’s a big block with a steep section of about 60 feet up and down). I had to stay in bed the next day, nothing on, legs apart and on pain meds. That also happened after I had a long hard day at the summit too. Seems like I’m always slowly learning ….

I saw the endocrinologist and he basically said not to worry about the low levels of estrogen I had on the last blood test. As I stated last month it could have to do with any number of things. The levels were great on the blood tests a month before. I’ll have another blood test just before I see my GP and we’ll retest my levels then.

Last month I also said my breasts were growing again. Yup, they are. They are getting firmer (actually harder) and once again are sore and tender at times. I bought new bras that give me a bit more room and those help. I can’t wear shelf-bra camis any more without something underneath – rats – those were very comfortable.

I’m finding that I can cut down on my dilations a bit too. Instead of dilating once every day, I can miss one once in a while and not have any issues the next day. This is nice, especially when I have had a day that was hard on my new parts and left me bleeding (or ‘spotting’ as they say….). I always wear liners so at least I’m not going through panties. I remember at Chonburi, even with pads, I was going through a dozen panties each day – got them washed every day and repeated – what a mess. I still have a bit of discharge and will go through about 3 or 4 liners each day – but what a long ways from what it used to be. That is something I’m going to bring up with my GP – I’ll ask her about this discharge and make sure all is well. I believe it’s just part of the healing process, but want to make sure.

I’m making good progress on electrolysis – I’m supposed to stop shaving my upper lip starting on Wends now. I think after the next session I will have to stop shaving there completely. Already I’m not supposed to shave where my sideburns used to be and I think I will have to cut back shaving my lower lip this next time too. I’m going for 2 hour session every Monday and this is starting to make a difference! Oh that feels so good. Normally, on a flight to the mainland like I just did, especially with a 7 hour layover, I would be very concerned about a 5 o’clock shadow – now it’s only beneath my chin and that is almost all white and not that noticeable. It was always something I would worry about – where would I shave? Women’s restroom? – no way, and just about everywhere during a flight is somehow always in a ‘public’ area …. ack. At least now I don’t have that ‘urgent’ of a problem ….

I was a bit concerned about others’ reactions to me in southern Oregon. This is not the open and accepting Hawaii! It’s not exactly redneck either but it is more conservative here. And since this is where I will be living, hopefully the rest of my life – it is important for me to be able to be accepted and yes, ‘pass’. To my surprise even the most strident and conservative didn’t even bat an eye and I was met with ma’am, you ladies etc. the entire time. I’m just an older woman that looks a bit masculine as do most others that live in the woods and small towns around here. I fit in quit nicely.

The best compliment I received was from Lisa after seeing me standing next to and talking with our Realtor (a guy named Tiny and of course he was huge). Lisa could not believe how perfectly and normally feminine I was. She said I looked like a relaxed, casual woman. The best part of it was that I was just being ‘normal’, I was not putting on ‘airs’. Now, compare this to any situation before as a man where everything was posturing and every situation analyzed and having to act appropriately as a guy …. Now, not a thought is placed, not a posture imposed – I’m just letting it flow, being natural and being my true self. Oh this is so nice. Feeling more as myself, being comfortable and being accepted as is. This is part of what this transition was all about!

I had mentioned before about ‘owning’ my new parts. The clinic in Chonburi had mentioned this a number of times: “You need to stop treating your new parts as a surgical wound that has to heal and instead ‘own’ it, know it, let it become part of you”. Well there are levels of understanding this. When it’s sore and painful, requires lots of attention and every little change, regardless of how minor but especially if major, causes great concern and worry, it’s very hard to treat this as anything but a surgical wound requiring the utmost of care, attention and paranoid cleanliness! And of course this is a ‘catch 22’ – the more care and attention the more it’s a surgical site – the more it hurts or causes pain the more care and attention … It’s inspected daily, it’s carefully cleaned at least twice a day, etc. That is one level of the meaning of what they said – know it.

Another level is slowly letting it ‘become’ me. Now this part is tricky: on a very visceral level my body knows this is me, so does my head. I think others have had problems adjusting to this change of anatomy – I have not – it was immediately acknowledged by my entire being the moment I came to after surgery. For me this is more of an issue with the constant low level, almost chronic pain that causes me to still see this as a surgical site. This will take time and the acknowledgement that so much progress has already been made. And I have previews of what it will be like. When I’m on pain meds (which is not that often now) I have a wonderful taste of what life will be like with out this chronic pain – and it’s awesome!

I’m finding yet another level to their saying as well. Even though this was also told us and is in our ‘care’ booklet – I never connected it to ‘owning’ my new parts. They highly encourage us to ‘get to know’ our parts. And they don’t mean the names for all the parts and pieces – they mean to explore, touch, feel and experience all/everything there is. See what does what, what feels what, how different parts react and what does not.

I was amazed: last month I talked about how dilating was separate and didn’t have anything to do with where the pain was (thank goodness….). But in exploring around I’m finding out a number of things. One is that everything ‘down there’ is pretty tough! Even though there is pain – everything is still sensate and can take quite a lot and just like dilation – it has nothing to do with the pain areas. Not only that, if there is too much stimulus, instead of hurting, it slowly shuts down – not quite a numbing effect – but sort of dulls out gradually. Even the granulations behave! This does connect me with my new parts in a way that I had not contemplated and is allowing me to fully accept this as ‘me’ – to own it!

This is not something new – this is advice that is given to every woman, not just transsexuals. Very few women understand or know themselves and as a result accept this essential part of ourselves. Too often it is looked upon as a handicap, source of pain and constant care and cleaning: paranoid cleanliness (I’m starting to understand my mother’s obsessions with cleanliness…).

This last bit brings me to a wonderful production I just saw: “The Vagina Monologues”. The stylist I see invited me to come along with her and 5 of her friends. Seven women sharing our experiences, stories and emotions during this show. We laughed, cried, cheered and clapped. We shared pride, horror and commonality with all women. We connected and were inspired. This is a wonderful way for ‘any’ woman to reconnect to our being, to bring us up out of the oppression and taboos surrounding our Vaginas and to celebrate that which is a part of us and to ‘claim’ it! So very powerful, so necessary and so inspiring. Mahalo nui e’ tita!

A good friend of mine was part of this production. She and one other transsexual woman performed a ‘monologue’ on transgender. Beautifully done and well received by everyone in the theater. This has inspired me to write a monologue. The entire way home that day I came up with verse after verse. When I got home I quickly jotted everything down. When I finish I will post it here and place a link to it from this post.

In summary, this was a major surgery – like any other, it is taking a very long time. Progress is slow, but progress is being made. My unique process of ‘owning’ my new parts is taking a new and deeper turn. This combined with experiences both with public acceptance far from home and acceptance and sharing on a deep and personal level with women at home in an inspiring production of the Vagina Monologues has allowed me to be a natural, casual, relaxed woman. It is so awesome to be authentic!

With much aloha,

Sifan

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4 Months Post-Op

Posted on January 20, 2015 by sifankahale

01/01/2015 At Mama’s Fish House

Progress seems so very slow. Sometimes the only way to measure is by the week and by seemingly small changes. However, when I look back at what I have already gone through and realize what is now in the past – it amazes me.

Probably the largest change and one that I will never forget is getting over the UTI complication and being able to use the restroom like a normal woman. As I’ve stated before – I will NEVER take going to the restroom for granted ever again in my life. Almost every time I do use the restroom – I remember how difficult and painful it used to be and how it seemed like I would be that way forever. This is the single most wonderful achievement other then being anatomically correct now.

With all of that behind me, now it’s the ‘normal’ recovery process for SRS that I face. Of course now that this is front and center it takes over as the number one pain and stress of life and now becomes the next issue that I am waiting to get past. Everything is swollen ‘down there’ – very normal but as I’ve described it before – it felt like a bowling ball between my legs. At night, trying to sleep, I have to keep a pillow between my legs because I cannot put my knees together. But there is progress – it feels like a baseball now. Slow progress….

There is a whole new drama unfolding within the sisterhood that in some ways was expected but perhaps none of us really understood the full ramifications. That is post-op depression. For some it’s huge. For me it’s a slight sidelight hardly worth mentioning. Basically we have spent an inordinate amount of time and energy planning, researching, questioning ourselves and preparing for transition – taking almost every second of our day and occupying our dreams at night. Suddenly, it’s over, done, accomplished – even the dreams stop. This was a large enough subject to warrant it’s own post.

Good news from the sisterhood (those of us that were together at Chonburi for our SRS plus others I know that had surgery with a different clinic around the same time): a number of my sisters have reported that almost overnight, at about this point in time, the swelling suddenly subsided and things looked, felt and became – normal. Well, I still have a baseball and am waiting for that to go away. It is a constant low level pain. I really feel sorry for and sympathize with those that have chronic pain. Wearing anything puts pressure there. Mostly I wear dresses or a skirt, but even panties will sometimes hurt. Usually I can’t wait to get home and lay back, either in my comfy chair (where I can almost lay out flat!) or in bed.

The other good news from the sisterhood is that an increasing number of them have reported going beyond sensate and achieving the ‘big O’! I am certainly sensate – but in no way do I want to go beyond that yet. I’m just way too sore and protective of that area. I can see where, just like I had to relearn how to urinate as that is completely different from a male, that this might be along the same line. I am just hoping that my protectiveness does not complicate this. From the sisterhood I know that I must learn to let go, to relax, trust and open up fully. But this is all for the future – not now.

The granulations that I mentioned in the 3 month post, are still there – I did not have my doctor remove them. I wrote to the clinic (and attached pictures) and they recommended to leave them alone, that they will heal by themselves. They also pointed out that the rawness of the vestibule (center/floor of the inner labia below the clitoris) was actually due to two additional granulations, one of which is about 1/4 inch long – ugh. My doctor agrees: if it’s not causing pain or getting in the way – leave it. These will bleed slightly now and then – but never very much and seems to be less and less. My doctor says she can always remove them later if needed. I cringe either way…

The other really good news is that I only dilate once a day now. Usually that starts at month 6. But I was able to reduce from 3 a day to 2 a day back in month 2, to only once a day now. I’m also dilating with the ‘big’ one now. Before it was only the medium. The important thing is to be able to maintain depth and I have not lost any depth since leaving Chonburi. Like my other sisters, I check every time I dilate and watch trends. I will temporarily lose depth if I’m stressed or was sitting or had a car ride. But I do my dilations just before going to bed. This way I’m relaxed and can douche, wash up and go right to bed. I also do not have any issue in getting to depth. There have been some horror stories out there in the sisterhood of 1 to 2 hours just to get to depth. Usually it only takes about 20 seconds for me. One lesson I have learned – the intruitis and vaginal vault are totally separate from all the other parts down there as far as pain and discomfort are concerned. The outer labia may be swollen and painful, but that has nothing to do with and no connection to dilation. Wheeee – thank you very much!

Like everyone else in the sisterhood, every time we dilate, we all take out our mirrors and a light to meticulously inspect everything down there, watching for anything new or changed or a different color or troublesome, etc. Just like everyone else, I am so careful with hygiene, washing before and after, being careful what I sit on, wiping seats down before I go, being selective where I go, using two different toilet papers for front and back, always wiping to the back and doing the back last. That UTI taught me and others a big lesson…

I haven’t talked about HRT changes since before the surgery – time to catch up a bit. Today is 19 months (slightly more than 1 1/2 years) since I started taking hormones. Of course after the surgery I no longer take testosterone blockers – I’m only on Estrodiol. Recently I have had additional breast growth. Like before, areas of my breasts would get tender, then sore, then hard and then finally turn into growth in that area. My aureoles have finally expanded along with my nipples – I’m looking much more natural now – they have caught up with the rest! That was something that I wondered about – so note to others – this took a year and a half. In fact I ‘show’ too much if all I wear is a shelf bra cami – I have to either wear a bra or use ‘hidden petals’ as they are called. My skin is softer, my bottom is more rounded and the hair growth over most of my body has slowed down and changed. I shave my legs and arms maybe once every two weeks (used to be once a week). I shave my stomach and chest about every other day to every 3rd day (used to be every day). So changes are still happening.

My estrogen levels have suddenly dropped this last month. I see my endocrinologist later this week, so I’ll know more then. They were normal for a younger woman (which is what I need to be at, at this point), now the level is about 1/4 of what it was – still normal for a post-menopausal woman – but not where I need to be just yet! I’m going to ask for a retest. There could be a number of reasons for the drop, including that I missed a day or two taking my hormones, could be where I apply the gel is getting less able to absorb it, could be the test itself or that the lady parts goes through phases where it exudes estrogen.. I’m hoping it’s the latter – just a phase of healing.

My new one piece bathing suit.

Finally after waiting so long, I made it to the beach! I bought a new one piece bathing suit just for this moment. The beaches and the ocean have meant a lot to me and having to abstain from swimming and wading for these three months following surgery was hard. During my recovery in the hospital, swimming in the ocean was one of the things I would think and dream about. That helped me through some of the rough times. Here in Maui, especially on the south shore by Kihei, the water is nice (almost warm) even in the middle of winter. I usually will try to go swimming on Mondays right after finishing electrolysis. I’ll head down to the beach around noon and spend an hour there before heading back up home to get ready for work.

Oh, speaking of the beach – last Sunday I again went to the beach but the waves were in the 5 to 7 foot range. It took me awhile to gather enough courage to go in. Like they say, never put your back to the ocean (except to duck under the wave…). I tried to measure one of them: I was in about 5 1/2 feet of water – just before the wave the water went down to 2 feet and the wave topped my out-stretched arm – I figure about 6 to 7 feet worth of wave. You have to know what you are doing out there – how to duck dive and what to do if you get rolled – which happened when I tried to measure that wave …. Nothing like being in the ‘washing machine’ on spin cycle! The water was grey with sand – and this was 1,000 feet out from the beach. One lesson I learned: lady parts and sand are not a happy combination – for days after! I’ve rinsed out my new bathing suit a number of times and I’m still getting sand out (and same with my lady parts …). Ack!

First time at the beach since my surgery.

My electrologist found a new, better and much more powerful numbing cream. She tried this out on me 3 weeks ago and was able to get at the very sensitive hairs beneath the nose (oh girl those used to be painful). Previously, I had a dentist numb my face directly before going in for a 2 hour electrolysis session. This past Monday I had my second 2 hour session where she used this new cream. She would apply it, cover it, then work on a different area of my face as that area would numb up. She is using topicaine. She says its very important to occlude it. Wow, she can get a lot done this way. I’m seeing a lot of improvements.

Facial hair remains one of the more difficult self-conscientiousness issues. It is difficult for any woman, but especially so for me as I have to stop shaving on Friday and let everything grow out over the weekend so there is enough to ‘grab’ for electrolysis on Monday. This makes going out or doing anything on Saturday and Sundays difficult and embarrassing. Right now, I have a faint 5 oclock shadow in a thin strip above my upper lip. I noticed at work, that a couple of the women there have this as well. So I’m getting there.

For the last month, occasionally I would wake up in the middle of the night (3am ‘ish). I would be very sensitive to everything: weight of the blankets on me, discomfort of my lady parts, refrigerator kicking in, dog barking in the distance, wind rustling the trees, my spouse cuddling me or being too close (normally we cuddle the entire night as we sleep). These would prevent me from going back to sleep. My mind was clear – no issues, nothing bothering me, etc. My doctor gave me a prescriptions for pain, sleep and anxiety pills – none of which I want to use regularly. Finally I found that I could take a Tylenol – it would take 30 mins but I would be able to sleep and more importantly, to be able to cuddle! I’m going to talk to my therapist and doctor more about this. I also posted to the sisterhood to see if anyone else went through something like this.

Jan. 3, 2015 Snow at the summit of Mt. Haleakala

Seems this winter has it’s share of storms. In the beginnings of January we had this ‘small’ storm come across the island of Maui. The information from radar and satellite didn’t concern us at the observatory so no extra precautions were taken. Oh girl – this storm flared up as it hit us and wound up dumping a bunch of snow and ice at the summit. Could have been worse – the big island had blizzard condition on top Mauna Kea. As usual, one of the engineers and I were the ones that had to run up and rescue things the next day. It was freezing cold up there. I had to fall back on my Minnesota experience: dressing in layers, shoveling snow and chopping ice just in order to get into the door of the observatory! I had fun making a snow ball – first time in about 7 years since I had left Minnesota. Next day, I found a little snowman in this same spot. I wound up having to go up to the summit three days in a row before the observatory was back on-line and on-sky. Even now there are 5 remaining non-critical issues that I will have to get back up there to fix (I’ll probably go up this week sometime).

Dec 25, 2014 Christmas dinner at the Makena Beach resort

Lisa and I had a wonderful holiday. I bought a new red dress for Christmas dinner. We went out to the Makena Beach resort. It’s a beautiful resort situated on a beach and overlooking the ocean. Of course we got there a bit before sunset and watched as the sky turned beautiful pastel colors out over the ocean. They have a huge smorgasbord of food from around the world. It was a quite the feast with so many different foods and flavors. It was difficult to choose from as there is no way a person could taste even a small piece of everything and not be wheeled out in a wheelbarrow! Plus we celebrated with a bottle of delicious champagne – what an evening to remember!

For New Years, we went out to another favorite spot here on Maui – Mama’s Fish House. This has got to be one of the best restaurants in Maui – if not all of Hawaii. It’s on a cove on the north shore and is filled with memorabilia and nick-knacks, its architecture a bit eclectic with twisted tree limbs and roots for some walls, ship’s propeller and outrigger canoes as parts of the ceiling! The food is very delicious. This is where we go to celebrate my birthday. Hummm, how do I convince Lisa that we should celebrate my new birthday (the date of my surgery) by going to Mama’s twice ….

01/01/2015 Celebrated New Years at Mama’s Fish House

For the holidays, Mama’s Fish House put up a ‘sandman’ (a snowman would not last very long in the cove with the sea mists blowing over …). So I had to get a picture with the sandman!

Overall, four months out from surgery, I would summarize by saying life is starting to settle into a new rhythm. I am finding out more about myself, my body, as everything meshes and comes together. Looking back, I think the biggest realization occurred right before and directly after surgery when I discovered that my body had disphoria in addition to my head. I had spent all that time ‘in the head’ beforehand – that was very important – but I had missed all the clues from my body. Perhaps being on the right hormones and now finally having SRS, I’m able to listen to my body – to be in touch with it and to love it. Maybe it’s because of the lack of testosterone, perhaps it’s finally being congruent or maybe it’s just being female. Such a difference from before …. such a difference …

With much Aloha,

Sifan

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Posted in About, Advice, Diary, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Surgery and tagged Gender Affirmation Surgery, Gender Change, GRS, Hormones, hrt, Internal Transition, MTF, Post-op, SRS, surgery, Trans-Sisterhood, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

Post-Opt Depression

Posted on January 15, 2015 by sifankahale

This is a ‘second’ transition – a transition to living a normal life – and this is not talked about or at least not mentioned to the degree that it should be. In some ways this was expected but perhaps none of us that have gone through SRS really understood the full ramifications of. That is post-op depression. For some it’s huge. For me it’s a slight sidelight hardly worth mentioning, but yet, very important to mention…

We have spent an inordinate amount of time and energy planning, researching, questioning ourselves and preparing for transition – taking almost every second of our day and occupying our dreams at night. Suddenly all that planning etc. is over, done, accomplished – even the dreams stop. And here we are – marvelously and finally our true selves, whole at last – but all that action is gone, finished, leaving us somewhat devoid and that sends some into a depression or just feeling down.

I use the word ‘we’ as I’m mostly talking about others in the sisterhood (I use ‘sisterhood’ to mean all those that I went through SRS with plus many others that are post-op).

I’m quite active in a number of areas, so for me I was able to simply ease into a relaxed life. The greatest effect for me was being physically handicapped and unable to do a lot of the outdoor activities I enjoy (hiking, climbing, swimming, kayaking etc.). But I’m also creative, love learning and do a lot with computers. So I have many ways that I find rewarding and fulfilling. I also had spent a lot of time pre-op getting my psychological self in order.

In addition to this sudden lack of intense activity, there is a low level pain that is pretty constant for 4 to 6 months as down there is swollen and still healing. I can see the progress, but it is very slow, measured by the week – not the day. This has a couple of effects for me. First it either prevents me from doing activities I love or at best it makes me think twice if I should do something or not. But the thought is constantly present.

When I was researching SRS, as I was initially looking into the possibility that I wanted to go that far. I read about the maintenance that is required and was taken back by how much there was. Dilation for the rest of your life is a big one especially when you understand what and how and how often it must be done. Add to that the normal but new (for us) activities a woman has to routinely do: cleanliness, pads/liners, checking yourself/making sure all is ok and how to use the restroom – how to sit, clean, even how to urinate.

All these take additional time that before we never had to even think about. And now, the time to do all these duties constrains our ability to get into the things that bring us joy and keep us (anyone actually) happy and away from depression.

At times we feel so good, but then something else happens and back we go. The pain will sometimes abate, only later to come back in a different form. Just when we think things are getting better something else starts in. This is a long journey – it’s takes a year to recover from an operation this massively huge. But relapsing after feeling so good can be very difficult to take mentally.

So we have this seven pronged threat:

Intensive mental activity leading up to surgery
Physical handicap keeping us pent up and unable to do activities we enjoy
Constant low grade pain
Things taking so much longer to heal than expected
The new duties
Maintenance required with our new parts and the lack of time to do enjoyable activities that keep us out of depression
Relapses after things were going so good

In a way, it’s equivalent to soldiers coming back from a war. It’s suddenly over but perhaps too suddenly. Everything keeps going around in our heads. It’s hard to let all of that go and settle down. It happens just too fast. And the ‘way of life’ is completely different. Whereas there was so much to do before, now there is a lot to do, but it is totally different.

For my sisters: this is much larger than you think or possibly can imagine. This is more than a change of your physical sex. It’s more than just living as the opposite gender. It’s also more than how society views you or more importantly, your own insecurities and fears. In addition to all of that, this is a profound life style change – right down to how you ‘wipe’ yourself in the restroom!

My advice for those that are contemplating SRS: Do your due diligence in researching this. Join online groups and social media that are targeted for pre-op’s. Once you settle on a surgeon – ask that clinic what pre-op and post-op social media they have and get invited to those (these are almost always private). Once connected – read back one year to get a good clear idea of what you are going to face. You will read about complications, about troubles and issues, but also about marvelous achievements and proud moments. A word of caution: everyone is different both in what they experience and the timing for various healings to take place. Take it all with a grain of salt as they say. But at least you will have a better idea of the full spectrum of possibilities and outcomes.

A bit of a soapbox moment: I saw so many sisters that carried high sexual expectations once they completed surgery. It bears mentioning that around 50% of women (gender) born female (birth sex) ever have an orgasm. A transsexual after completing SRS is no different and has the same statistics! We are all sensate (feelings and able to have an orgasm) – but the big ‘O’ is more than just being sensate. It requires a heavy mental aspect as well. What it requires is an opening up, being in tune with your body and being calm mentally and letting go. All of which are completely opposite of what is required of a man and is therefore even more difficult for a transsexual. My soapbox is this – do NOT go into this for sexual reasons. You really should only be doing this because you have a deep down need to have your life be congruent, to be whole, to embody the essence of who you are. Let the rest come – it will.

For most males (birth sex) under the ‘influence’ of testosterone, they have an almost daily urge. For me this was confusing and at odds to the woman (gender) that I am. Those urges caused a conflict in me as the male influence of testosterone had it’s way. This is part of what I called the testosterone poisoning. Getting on HRT and now completing SRS solved this and got that poison out of my system along with all of it’s effects. Mind you, if you are a cis male (meaning your birth sex and gender match), testosterone is perfect and wonderful and I appreciate that in others. However, for me, a transsexual, that was an awful burden that caused great disphoria and conflict. Of course for some this is a concern – will they still have sexual urges after HRT and SRS? And for a lot of sisters going through SRS this translated to worries about size/depth (again think testosterone – how many males do you know that are concerned with ‘size’ …) and orgasmic potential (especially after being able to, on demand). Granted, for those that are young and have or will have a male partner, these things are important – I’m not saying otherwise. I’m saying these should not be the top priority nor the reason for coming this far.

You are changing into a female (you are already a woman). Your body is now going to act and respond as one. This includes the much more subtle urges, the relaxed sexual tension (compared to before) and a completely different way that we orgasm. Many worry (I did) about how will we be satisfied if perhaps we can not orgasm or as often and ‘easily’ as we could before. When you come out of the ‘testosterone fog’ and into femaleness, the urges change too. In other words, you are now a female and your urges and abilities will match a female’s as well – do not fret over this, let it happen. Let me put this yet another way: your new body and self will match … perfectly!

And for those that have had surgery: This is HUGE! You had a major surgery – it does things to your body that take a long long time to heal. You might feel ok at the moment – but is it not finished. We need to take this one day and one thing at a time. Conquer it and it alone, then focus on the next. Don’t get overwhelmed – it’s so easy to do. This is going to take up to a year – all the adjustments, all the issues that come up – both physical and mental. So many times, the clinic has told us – recovery is 90% mental and it’s very true. I remember the first time I saw blood on my dilator – omg I went crazy worried. I reread the ‘manual’ the clinic sent me a dozen times. Did what they said – and no problem. But the mental anguish was difficult. Of course now I just put pressure on the spot (always a granulation) and it’s gone and done – not a biggie. And that is how most of recovery has to be dealt with. One day at a time, one thing at a time and put-in the time!

For some, this is a difficult period and an unexpected complication. I have a feeling that this may have been the reason two people I know of that committed suicide. So this is serious. If this is you – please, there is so much help out here – reach out – please …. There are a lot of us that have been through this – we made it, it’s more than possible – it’s just more hard work.

With so much Aloha

Sifan

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Posted in Advice, Gender Affirmation Surgery and tagged Being Female, Dilation, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Gender Change, GRS, Internal Transition, MTF, Post-Opt Depression, Post-Opt SRS/GRS, SRS, Suporn, surgery, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Months Post Opt

Posted on December 11, 2014 by sifankahale

Oh this has been a long 3 months…. part of it was the most painful of my life. I’m still quite sore down there but remembering what I went through – this is nothing. See my previous posts for details of the SRS operation, my recovery and painful complications I went through. For the most part the pain had to do with the complications – the UTI, not being able to urinate and extending my bladder. Without that complication this operation and recovery, especially in the first month would hardly rate as discomfort or low level pain. For that I am glad – glad that I didn’t have to deal with anything else over and above the complication.

Normally (with out complications) the first month is pretty easy. It’s the second and third months that are hardest. This is due to a number of factors. First Dr. Suporn’s technique is very ‘accurate’ and true to the female anatomy – his technique is the different from all the rest and results are as they say, the Cadillac of the business. This means there is a lot more surgery and construction underneath/inside and this takes longer to heal. It’s like scare tissue which becomes swollen and hard and progresses from one area to another as it heals. This is one reason we have to dilate, to keep the neo vagina open, soft, and to depth. One of the ‘sisters’ called it “beating the dragon” (I prefer to call it ‘training’ the dragon …). By the way, I call the other women that were there in Chonburi having SRS along with me – ‘sisters’ as we formed an international closeness and constantly keep in touch.

This becomes difficult during the 2nd and 3rd months where most of the healing takes place. It gradually gets easier and for some even pleasurable. For others this period is very hard – even extremely hard. I’ve heard of some that took hours to get to depth – which you have to do before you can start timing your dilation. I was lucky this way – the worst I had was maybe 1 min before I reached depth. It is recommended that we do 3 dilations a day – so you can imagine the pain and agony some have had. I had cut down to 2 a day because I was able to maintain my depth. I feel lucky that way. It was hard for a while and I had a hard time preparing mentally for them. But they gradual became easier, less painful and became routine. I will have to dilate the rest of my life – but the frequency tapers off to once a week after 1 year (3 times a day until month 4, 1 once a day after month 6, then once a week or so after a year – mostly to check depth).

Those are the major milestones as well. After the 3rd month things get easier and we can start doing just about everything (swimming, hiking, long trips, working, baths, some exercise, etc.). Then month 6 is another milestone and 1 year basically marks completion. Ya, one year …. Of course every ‘body’ is different and these are only approximate timings for the majority of people that go through this.

In this next section I’m going to tell it like it is – this could be TMI (too much information) for some, so be warned. However, for those who are going to have surgery, I think this is important to know – I wish I had known this beforehand – not that it would have changed anything – just so I could have been more prepared and aware. Of course this is ‘my’ experience and reading the private accounts of others tells me that I’m in the middle as far as my experience and pain/discomfort is concerned.

By the way: most surgeons or clinics have a private FaceBook page that is only for ‘post’ opts. These are very helpful for us to a) keep in touch b) ask questions c) see how others are doing d) peer into the future to see what to expect. Unfortunately they really do need to be kept only for those that are post-opt or immediately pre-opt. But this information is invaluable if you are going to have surgery. They recommend that once you are invited into their group, that you read back 1 year to get a full understanding of what to expect.

For me, right now, I’m going through multiple phases where ‘things get tight’ down there. First a very hard ball (size of a marble) formed just above everything (up by the pubic bone). I had to stay in bed for a couple of days with nothing on down there (as everything, even the weight of the bad sheet, hurt). This gradually ‘morphed’ down along both sides of the frenulum, basically tightening that entire area up (it was all swollen, so this is actually ok, just a bit painful). Now the same sort of thing is happening starting at the tops of the outer labia and working down. Which is also good because my outer labia is huge (swollen) making it difficult at times to close my legs, especially when I want to sleep on my side at night – I have to place a hard thick pillow between my legs.

I still can not sit without using the infamous seat cushion although it is getting better. I forgot it once and was able to carefully sit on a hard chair for about 10 mins. However, if I do too much, like a long car ride or sitting too long at work, or like one day I had to go up to the summit to work – the next day I wind up in bed, legs spread apart and nothing on to let it heal. Sometime I have to take pain meds – sometimes I’ll take a pain pill before I need to do something (like a long ride) where I know it’s going to be hard. At times, it feels like a bowling ball down there between my legs – and I walk like I’ve been riding a horse for hours. My panties feel like they are crushing me during those times and I can’t wait to get home and lay down in bed and allow my bottom to ease up. These times seem to coincide with the ‘tightening’ phases I mentioned above. So I’ll be ok, even ‘great’ for a few days and then another one of these ‘phases’ kicks in and I have to take it easy, stay home and sometime stay in bed. But these ‘seem’ to be getting less as time goes on – progress is being made (although soooo slowly it seems).

I saw my GP doctor today – another checkup. My UA came back ambiguous – but at least it didn’t have the bacteria (e-coli) that caused all the pain and agony before. I sent a question off to the clinic regarding this and they said (and my doctor agrees) that if none of the symptoms are present than all is ok. There are high levels of something I don’t remember what, but those can also be do to the SRS surgery. So we are leaving things alone unless symptoms come back. That is good news!

I’ve been having bleeding (very minor) about once a week, all coming from the same spot (at the bottom inside where the major and minor labia come together on the left side). The doctor examined that in more detail and found it was the equivalent of a ‘skin tag’ – an 8th in long growth protruding out. This can happen as internal ‘sacs’ sometimes comes out through the skin (the labia are created with many layers of internal stitching and sometimes as these heal one of these small sacs can pop out). So the middle of January I go back and will have it removed (plenty of local anesthesia ….!). I’m relieved to know that is all it is.

Other than that, everything looks and operates correctly now. There is sensation is all the correct places. Still sore so I’m very careful with my new parts. A number of the ‘sisters’ that had SRS the same time as me are now reporting they had their first umm, “The Big O’ …. For me, the surrounding areas down there are still too sore for me to even contemplate that …. Put it this way, I still cringe when I see another woman riding a bike or motorcycle. Maybe someday I’ll be able to do that but right now I have that automatic ‘pain’ – same as when someone talks about getting a flu shot – you automatically feel pain in your arm … or when someone talks about going to the dentist … ya … that kind of thing: my bottom immediately goes into panic mode!

So today is the 11th, my 3 month celebration as finally being the true authentic me. I can not tell you how absolutely wonderful it is. First you have to understand the shear disphoria that was before – I’m not sure I have words to describe that horror – the pain of my complications can not come close to the lifelong battle I have gone through attempting to live in the opposite gender. Now I am free to ‘be’, to express myself and to live as who I always was. It is a fantastic and welcome change.

It just struck me – theoretically I am finished with transition! I say theoretically because I could argue both sides of that. Some transsexuals go stealth now that they are fully a woman, truly marking this as the end of transition and simply blend into society as women. Even though this is a completion – on so many levels – I feel that it is important, especially today, to be visible to some degree. The more society sees that transsexuals are ‘normal’ people, involved in normal or credible vocations or even honored/esteemed positions, the better it is going to be for those that follow. The more professionals like myself that come out, the more that society will start seeing us as part and parcel of the human condition. Just like red hair or blue eyes, transsexuals are but one more variation of the human condition. There is a balance of course – this can be and has been deadly (we just honored those murdered on Nov 20th – TDOR – Transgender Day of Remembrance). I am cautious: I do not proclaim who/what I am to just anyone – but I am an advocate and will do what I can to help achieve parity for everyone.

With much Aloha,

Sifan

PS: I’m hoping to swim in the ocean this weekend – I have missed that soooo much ….

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Posted in About, Advice, Diary, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Surgery and tagged Gender Affirmation Surgery, Gender Change, MTF, Post-Opt, SRS, Suporn, surgery, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

Surgery in Thailand – Part 3, Dilation

Posted on October 28, 2014 by sifankahale

Caution this post contains TMI (for some this could be “too much information”). Continue only if you wish – you have been warned. I will be discussing the routine ‘maintenance’ that I now must do a number of times each day. I’m writing this for those that are contemplating SRS so they can get an idea of what to expect.

After we arrived at the hotel from being discharged from the hospital, one of the clinic staff came up to our room and helped setup the room for my new daily routine. Oh boy, life is now a bit more complicated then it ever used to be. Things like showering and even how to wipe oneself after using the toilet are now vastly different and hygiene takes on a whole new level of importance. More about this later.

For the rest of my life, I, like anyone who has SRS, must dilate. Basically the body views the neo-vagina as a wound and will attempt to close it up. Dr. Suporn’s technique uses a mesh, which new skin grows on, to form the vagina. It also forms new tissue deeper inside surrounding the vagina as well. One way to think of this is scare tissue – in some ways it is similar – but not really. This new tissue will form hard and expand closing the vagina if not countered. And that is what dilation is all about.

We were given four dilation stents, one small one, two medium ones and one large. We start off with the medium stent, inserting it all the way back and then applying pressure to the back to keep our depth. When Dr. Suporn took out all that packing, he inserted this same stent showing me how to do it and measured my depth (I was 6″ in the hospital). Each stent has markings in both inches and cm. As you can see in the picture, these are HUGE (both is length and width) and FRIGHTENING at first. The first couple of dilations I did, I was amazed I could take all that! At first, we have to dilate twice a day, 30 minutes each – basically I have to go to full depth and then push hard. That was difficult. It is somewhere between uncomfortable and mildly painful. Some people take pain meds before they dilate. I did at first but quickly found I didn’t need to. One has to sit up straight (usually on the bed, pillows behind, plastic sheet on the bed and an absorbent bed sheet on top of that), legs must be straight out, no bending and somewhat close together. Any other position will engage muscles that will make dilation harder. We are taught that no matter what complications or difficulties we face – we always MUST dilate. As you will see later – I had complications where the last thing I wanted to do was dilate – but I still did.

We start with the medium stent and later (6 weeks) we graduate to the larger one. The small stent is used if it becomes difficult to insert the medium one. We then have to dilate with the small one for 5 mins or so and then move up to the medium and complete the dilation. The white stent is an extra medium size and is a bit softer. I think everyone loses a little depth from what was measured in the hospital. I’m at 5.5 inches and have stayed at that ever since – it could be the way they measured it there vs how I measure. The important part is to maintain depth. As I was told, depth will change with the time of day, if we just ate, if we didn’t go to the bathroom first, etc. So it fluctuates, but again, what is important is that it stays somewhat consistent.

There is an entire procedure surrounding this. The person from the clinic setup the bed table and bathroom so that everything I needed is close at hand. As you can see – there is a lot. The procedure gets better and less intense with time. But at first, we shower to clean off, using a special surgical soap on our new bottom – and rinse it off immediately as it can actually burn the skin if left on or used to much. I then lay down as stated above, put on surgical gloves, place a condom over the stent and apply a lot of lube – that last bit is important!

Until things heal enough (Dr. Suporn tells us when) we do ‘static’ dilation which I described above – straight back and apply pressure. When told to, we start dynamic dilation (about 2 weeks after surgery for me – but that is different for each person). Dynamic dilation is a bit easier I think. I start by fully inserting the stent, applying pressure for 10 seconds, then rest, then ‘stir’ it around to enlarge the sides for 10 times. Then we repeat this for 15 mins and have to do this 3 times a day. Months 2 and 3 is where the most healing occurs and where this is most important. The internal tissue is building and this needs to be countered and ‘softened’. Unfortunately, the nerves are becoming active during this same time ….. I’m 1/2 way through month 2 at the moment – so far ok.

Then we have to clean up after. This includes douching with warm water three times then a fourth time with a mild solution of betadine. Then a half shower washing our new parts with that surgical soap. For the first month we also have to apply betadine to the stitch lines down there and apply a silver cream to the inside of the inner labia. And then – collapse on the bed and rest!

At home we no longer have to coat the stitches (most of which have already dissolved), but we do need to get a douche kit that fully reaches inside. As they said – lube plus byproducts of healing inside create an idea culture for bacteria – all lube has to be rinsed out. Also at home we can use regular soap.

One issue is the trip home vs dilation. Having to dilate 3 times a day and having a flight home that for most of us is 20 some hours long makes for an interesting dilemma – no we do not dilate on the plane or in the airport! So we dilate extra long just before we leave for the airport (the van came to pick us up at 4 am … that meant I was up and dilating around 2:30 am….). Then we need to dilate when we get home. The trouble is, it’s been a long time, things down there have already started to tighten up and the flight home has made us very tense – what a mess. So, we are to wait an hour or so after we get home – do something relaxing – have a glass of wine – whatever to relax us. Then we dilate – this is where some people have to resort to the small stent to get started. I was ok – my depth went down to 5.1″ but withing the next 2 days I was back to my 5.5″.

As you can see from this picture – there is a lot of stuff we bring back with us (the huge pink bag). This includes supplies to last us for a month or so after we get home. It includes betadine solution, bed pads, tons of lube and condoms, a mirror, clock, my stents of course and pantie liners and pads. They gave us a large bottle of betadine but I also had a smaller bottle. The airport security ‘found’ the big bottle and confiscated it, but left the small bottle alone … go figure. Other transwomen were allowed to take theirs – as far as I’ve heard – I’m the only one that this happened to – ratso!

Some last points regarding dilation:

Contrary to what you would think – if you are having troubles dilating, then you need to ‘increase’ the number of times. They can be shorter in time, but you need to do more of them during the day.

As time goes on, we get to reduce the number of dilations each day. Until the end of the critical period (month 3) we need to do three a day. After that we can reduce to 2 a day. After 6 months about once a day and finally after a full year we can reduce to a couple per week – basically to check depth and then if needed do more dilations.

Also, once past month 3 – dilations become easier and other umm activity can substitute for a dilation, making it pleasurable indeed …

I should also mention some of the problems that could be encountered dilating. Make sure you use plenty of lube, you could chaff and that’s no fun. Also a veteran post-opt warned us about the ‘sword in stone’ problem that could happen when you are too tight and when withdrawing the dilator it gets ‘stuck’ (probably because of a vacuum being created above it inside). Just take it slow and use dynamic dilation to ease it out. Something else we all find out right away is sneezing, coughing, laughing too hard and a close lightening strike (I found out about this last one the hard way) can all make for an uncomfortable experience. I wonder if anyone broke things in their room due to flying dilators (to my knowledge only one person said their dilator actually came out – but just barely, mostly it just hurt a bit)!

Another issue is bleeding. As you dilate, you are basically stretching scare tissue (first 3 months) and it will sometimes bleed. Also as things heal, little ‘bumps’ (granulation) can poke up and dilating will cause those to bleed. Counter to what one would think – the solution is to reinsert the dilator and hold it there to stop the bleeding. I had this happened to me twice. Others have said they bled the entire 2 months! Most said they never bled. Everyone is different and this goes away with time and healing.

I had some severe complications which I will talk about in the next post. But even during that period of time – I still had to dilate. It was difficult, but had to be done. Nothing like complicating a complication ….

With Aloha,

Sifan

8 Comments

Posted in About, Advice, Diary, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Surgery and tagged Dilation, Gender Change, MTF, SRS, Suporn, Transgender, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

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