In my last post I thought I was ready and able to start writing again, since the loss of my precious beloved Lisa. I guess I wasn’t all that ready. This is coming up on nine months since she passed away and the grieving and loss is just as intense as it was then. I am a bit stronger, I do have times now where I am enjoying life and times where I feel good and feel like I have my feet firmly on the ground and accomplishing things and proud of it. It is like waves in the ocean (huge ones): there are times when I’m struggling to get air and being tossed around like being inside a clothes dryer and there are times that I’m peacefully, calmly and confidently floating on top.
I had promised to write two other posts, one on the ways that Lisa has come to me and is present in my life and the other about handling grief and the process that I’m going through. I have started both of those posts, but have not been able to finish – partly because of the continuing intensity of this grief. Someone told me that the intensity of grief is a testament to the greatness of the love shared. I firmly hold that as true. Lisa and I had an intense love and life together. It’s the type of love that as a teenager I had dreamed about, the kind one finds only in novels and great plays. But it happened – it happened to us. Terms like twin flame and soul mates don’t come close…
It is a week to my 16th anniversary (and the day before my anniversary will be 9 months since Lisa passed away ….). As a result, my 1 year anniversary of my SRS and becoming who I am inside now on the outside, was a pretty hard day with vivid memories of Lisa and I sharing the hospital room and her being constantly by my side plus all the times in Chonburi getting out and around.
Since the last post, I’m now dilating only once a week – I picked Sunday nights. There were times when I missed a week and didn’t have any issues or problems the next time I dilated. Some people I know only dilate only once a month. I might go to that after my 2nd year anniversary but don’t think that would be a good idea right now.
I’ve traveled to the mainland twice this year already and will make another trip in Dec. I think it’s important to visit Lisa’s and my family more often then we did before, especially after her passing. During the first trip I held life celebrations for Lisa with everyone and together we scattered some of her ashes in places that were very special to her. The second trip was just to be together with them, revisit some of these place but also to reminisce and just be together, as a family. My trip in Dec will be along the same lines. Although, this will be the first time back in Minnesota during their winter – not sure how smart of an idea this is, but the grand kids have been remembering me and I want to be there more often for them.
On the way to the airport when I was leaving Minneapolis to come home the last time – I got rear ended on the interstate. I saw my doctor and she prescribed a month’s worth of therapeutic massages, twice a week! I like this doctor!! Those are wonderful, so relaxing and has helped my stiff neck and back that I had after the accident. I have one more to go. But I think I’ll come back once a month (on my own) from now on. These really help reduce stress and relax the body.
Another major thing that happened is our (Lisa and my) cat Mazie passed away. Mazie was a very affectionate and loving. After Lisa passed away, Mazie would cuddle with me in bed and would always be on my lap when I got home. It’s very interesting that Mazie came to us (appeared at our back lanai) after Lisa’s mother Mazel passed away. Hence her name – Lisa named her after and in honor of her mother. And now, Mazie passed away about 2 months after Lisa did. She was here for Lisa! This picture of Mazie on Lisa’s lap says it all.
Last week, a good friend of mine decided she is going to move to the mainland and would not be able to bring her cat along and asked me if I would take the cat (named Bella Marie). Bella is 7 years old, a mix of Tobi and Siamese and is very loving as well. At first I wasn’t sure I was ready. Bella knew me from the times I would visit, so everything went exceptionally well when she was came to stay with me. She is becoming just as affectionate as Mazie was – sitting on my lap and laying at foot of the bed at night, occasionally coming up and cuddling next to me. And amazingly, she is toilet trained! She is an indoor cat, so I don’t have the messes I had with Mazie trekking in all the dirt. Bella is a huge help with my grief and loss of Lisa (and Mazie). It’s great having her around the house. Another loving being is now sharing the house with me!
I’m keeping myself busy – maybe a bit too busy. For a couple of weeks I helped a good friend of mine with her business – spiced cacao. I helped package, label, count and load everything up for a ‘Made in Maui’ huge event. That was a lot of fun and met a lot of friends there. She also took me out to a couple of Rotary outings, one was a Halloween party put on by a well known doctor here – that was awesome.
I’ve also been elected to the board of Maui Pride. For me this is a huge honor. I’ll be helping with their events and planning. They have monthly hikes, monthly dine outs, special events, etc. Their largest event, the Maui Pride Fair, raises enough money to be able to hand out a dozen or so scholarships to LGBT students here. They also help other organization on island with their fundraisers like “Woman helping Woman” and the AIDS foundation.
Through on of their events – a dine out – I met a wonderful couple. A couple of weeks later I get an invite to their wedding! It was beautiful. They are both chefs and you can just imagine the festivities and food afterwords. Well, last week was a birthday of a mutual friend, I was invited over to their house. There were five of us women and we had a wonderful time. It is so great to be accepted by them and to enjoy their company. Now, I’ve been invited to share Thanksgiving with them. What an honor!
Ok, on to transition and what’s it’s like for me at 16 months. Again, so much has been eclipsed by Lisa’s passing, followed by the loss of Mazie our cat and also all three topical fish (basically every living thing in our house except me!). It was just one thing after another. Then that was followed by losing a number of precious items, like the ring from Lisa’s finger (that I took off of her in the hospital after she passed away). So it’s been pretty tough.
It is nice only dilating once a week – that takes off a huge burden. My breasts have been sore now and then, just like they were when a growth spurt occurred – and they have grown a bit more. I had one scare however. I had my first mammogram and they called me back to get an ultrasound. It turns out I had a swollen lymph node and not to be worried. However, this does point out how important it is to be checked.
So, a bit of TMI (too much information) – stop here if you don’t want TMI ….
Everything ‘down below’ has healed well and functioning perfectly. As a young boy I could never understand my mother when she always told me to clean myself very well down there. What was there to clean any more then any other part of my body? Well … things are sure different now and I now understand what she was referring to! There are so many folds and creases down there that it’s a lot harder to clean. I’m not sure what they call that white stuff that forms in the creases but it does not smell good. Twice I asked my doctor and she showed me yet another crease or fold I didn’t know about, where this hid …. I’ve got ’em all now.
Big news is that I had my very first orgasm. It was a small one, but it was one none the less! A lot of trans*women have experienced their first orgasm at around 4 or 5 months post opt. But I had urinary problems when I came home from Chonburi and then a urinary infection back home that took months to clear up. A couple of months after that, the love of my life, my spouse Lisa passed away (she is a nurse and was with me in Chonburi for my operation). I had a dream where Lisa came to me. She wanted so much to give me my first one. So, in a way she did. Just like Lisa, an orgasm’s effects lasts for days after – sort of a glow – just like Lisa always had. This is just one of many ways Lisa has been showing up – but that is for another post, perhaps another blog site.
So there were lots of factors contributing to not being able to orgasm when others had. But, it finally happened. Just wish my beloved Lisa would have physically been here with me ….. miss her so terribly much …
Those who are post opt and have not yet had an orgasm, you need to be patient – it took me a year. And ‘yes’ to what most others have posted about this – it is different, both physically and mentally. As a male we were used to ‘forcing’ it, powering through and everything was very focused (mentally and physically). This is not the case now. It’s now more about letting go, feeling the entire body, not being focused at all. Instead being patient, not forcing anything, being open and sensing ‘all’ your feelings. Here is an accurate but somewhat strange comparison: for those of you that have had SRS surgery, it’s like the first time you had to urinate (usually they make you do this before you can leave the hospital). You find out really quick that you can not do it the way you did as a male – you can ‘not’ force it out. You have be patient, relax, no stress or strain and allow it to flow. I’m glad I have transitioned.
Well, in the interests of getting this finished and posted, I’m going to finish here. I can include more details in the next post. Wishing everyone happy holidays!