My partner’s brother died a week or so after we got back home. He had a rough night and then a peaceful 40 hours or so before he died. He was asleep for most of those 40 hours. My partner is the estate executor so she became very busy. He had a business and it was a bit messy taking care of that. One of the employees quit, necessitating that we sell off the business right away. Turns out the other employee (and the one my partner’s brother wanted to give the business to) wanted it (with the help of his relative). We then found out that the employee that quit was trying to steal the customers! What a mess. All that is settled now. We will be going back to California next week to continue her executor duties.
Most of this month I have been working very hard at that secure Air Force computing facility. We are now moving a 15 rack cluster to another building a couple of blocks up the street. There’s one guy and three of us women lifting 100 pound systems out of the rack, into boxes, onto a truck then out of the truck, out of the boxes and back into the rack in the new location. With anywhere from 8 to 20 in a rack – do the math – this is a lot of work. They had estimated two days per rack. We are doing 2 racks a day – 4 times faster then the estimate. Of course I kid them that this is doing the opposite of what I wanted to do at this point in my transition – building arm muscles!! At one point we were transporting a computer rack in a pickup truck. We had it laying down (barely enough room) and three of us were sitting in the truck bed holding onto it. I was in the back corner with one leg along the bottom and the other along the side of the rack (my legs were 90 deg apart) when suddenly the rack moved directly at me. We all laughed and joked that this could save me the cost of my ‘operation’ ….. (these are close friends and we can have fun this way). I am looking forward to our trip to California for a number of reasons – one of which is to have a breather from this heavy work.
I had my third hair styling with Karen. She is great. This time she also waxed my eye brows, plucked them and colored them. She says I’m over the hump as far as the hair growing in and it will be easier now to keep a style as my hair fills out. I am happy with my hair at last, but still can’t wait until it’s long enough to put in a pony tail or have other options. I love my bangs.
I belong to a netgroup of older transgenders – mostly woman. One of them started a thread discussing effects of being on HRT. One of those effects was that they no longer had this huge urgency to convert to a woman. And it suddenly dawned on me – they are right – I don’t have the urgency and the angst that was there before. Now, how much of this is due to being on HRT or to the fact that I’m living as a woman and being accepted as one. After all, that was one of the most important aspects of this – to be able to be myself and have other accept me as myself. Imagine that you have to put on an act – that people will not give you notice unless you do – you have to act and behave a certain way just to be able to live and get along. But this is not who you are – you just want to be your self and have people accept you for that. You want your natural tendencies of expression, emotion, body language, etc. to just come out, not to have to suppress them. That’s what it was like. And now, it’s beautiful – I am free to express, emote and be who I naturally am!
The pressure is not off completely … For example, this does not mean I do not need bottom surgery (GRS). One might ask “well, now that you are passing, you are a woman for all purposes, why do you need surgery – no one will know if you do or don’t”? That is true, however it misses a very important point. While being accepted by others as who I am is important, it is only 1/2 of the situation of being a transsexual. I have written a lot on this blog about the external/sociological aspects of transsexualism and hardly anything at all about the internal/physiological aspects. I suppose partly because in my experience dealing with others, it is the sociological aspects that are always questioned or that are easier for others to understand and perhaps accept.
Me – I am a woman – I was born with something that does not belong there. My body was flooded by hormones that distorted me both physically, mentally and emotionally. What is between my legs does not belong there, I never liked it: I did not like what it did to me. From my earliest memories as a child it did not ‘look’ right. It was when my sister was born that I had my first real inkling of what I should have been. This is the other 1/2 of being transsexual – me – my body – it is not what it is supposed to be.
Now please understand – I do not hate men – I do not hate ‘down there’ on men or myself. That has nothing to do with this. In fact, as a man I think I looked pretty darn good! It’s just – that is ‘not’ who I am – that is not me. Men are awesome (so are women), I’m just not a male.
So, the planning for gender affirmation surgery is in full swing. Both my partner and myself are excited and are looking forward to … after I recover …. I have narrowed it down to three surgeons: Montreal, San Francisco, and Bankok. Lots of pro’s for each and very little cons for any. Everyone I talk to that has had GRS with any of these three, all have glowing recommendations. That makes this choice even more difficult! I talked with GP doctor and she is willing to review them for me and give me her opinion – I’m grateful for that. So I will be seeing her again next month to discuss this and the pre-surgery requirements and tests.
I met with my endocrinologist this month too. All my hormone levels are where they belong – mid-range typical woman. I thought my testosterone levels were a bit high and wanted to increase my spiro dosage – but he pointed out that my levels are well within the norm for a woman and also, with surgery coming up – I won’t be taking spiro anymore!
Physically, I’ve added an inch to my bust line, my waist has reduced a bit and my bottom padded out a bit, giving me a bit more curves. I still have soreness in my breasts, but perhaps not like before. I started taking progesterone but stopped. I’m not sure of it’s effect but I suppose I have not really tried it long enough. I may start taking it again and see if it helps with breast soreness. My endocrinologist was 50/50 as far as benefits of using it and totally left it up to me. I bought something called “Happy PMS” that has the correct dosage of progesterone.
So here it is, end of January 2014. It’s a year ago that transition suddenly became a critical life goal – the hair cut incident in my post about my history. It is 6 months until my GRS and 3 months until our marriage. Oh, I have to lose so much weight !!
With much Aloha,