RSS Feed

My beloved Lisa has Passed Away

Beloved Lisa

Beloved Lisa

It is with such great sorrow that I’m writing this post.

Friday, April 10th sometime in the night/early morning, Lisa passed away in her sleep from a heart attack.  She had always said she wanted to die in her sleep, being cuddled by me.  She got her wish.

The night before, when she went back to take her shower, she asked me if I was coming to bed too.  When I said yes, she exclaimed “Yayayayayay, I can’t wait for cuddles tonight”!

We were so very close, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We tightly cuddled each other every night for the entire time we have been together.  I’m also a very light sleeper and am awakened by almost any sound or her movement.  So I can confirm that Lisa passed away very peacefully and quite.  It was at 6:20 that her body rolled over onto me that I knew something was wrong.

I gave mouth to mouth, called EMC and gave CPR until they came.  But she had passed away a while before she rolled onto me.

Sifan & Lisa at Chonburi

Such a beautiful, strong and powerful person.  She had so many daemons from her past that she was fighting.  She had overcome the last one just the week before and her awakening and life was starting to blossom.  These struggles are what gave Lisa these powerful abilities to see clearly, to forgive and at the same time to speak her truth without excuses.   Everyone saw a very kind and loving person.

So many people have commented on the huge difference she has made in their lives.  More than a thousand people have posted or left comments for her.  A typical post says they never shed tears for the people in their life that has passed – but here is a woman they have never met in person and they are balling their hearts out for Lisa.  Lisa has that kind of effect …

As is the case almost all of the time – Lisa aspired to be what she was  – but never saw that she was actually there.  She was the person she was trying to be.  I had told her this many times, tried to point out the love others had for her and the respect they held for her.  Again, part of her childhood conditioning, derived from some horrible events in her childhood prevented her from accepting herself and these comments were not understood.

Just weeks ago, the little girl inside her that was traumatized way back then, was finally able to leave her dark cave and instead inhabit a beautiful bright girls room filled with dolls and toys and happy colors.  Lisa’s deepest parts had finally been rescued.  She related this to me a number of times along with a joy of moving past probably the most intense part of her life.

It was all of these trials that forged Lisa.  What you experienced in Lisa is a triumph of life succeeding where others would have drowned.  Her beauty, her personality, her insights and talents to write, to create videos and help others find their path, are all attributed to her struggles.  These are what forged her and allowed her to give us light.

Her intensity for awakening was so inspiring.  Her ‘Sharing Joy’ video is probably the most open and free expression of her spirit and of her awakened self.  When she first crossed that gateless gate – this is how she was  – for days.  She is so precious ….

More of Lisa’s work can be found at her YouTube site “One Spaciousness” and her WordPress site “One Spaciousness” and her FaceBook pages.

Lisa smelling the roses

Lisa smelling the roses

My love, my kealoha, your presence is felt, your love surrounds me.  I know you are at peace and are what you strived for – at one with the nothingness, which is everything.  I feel her surrounding me, others have stated the same for them.  She is here, everywhere.  And that is something, along with her life and being, that I am in celebration of.

Something Lisa always said and I also felt and would echo back to her:  “I love you more than I loved you yesterday.  And yesterday I had loved you the very most I ever could.  How can our love keep growing, growing beyond what I ever thought possible, growing beyond what I thought was the most I could ever love.  Yet here I am – I did it again!”

There are so many memories I want to try to get down on virtual paper – I will post those over on my blog “Sifan’s Journey”.  But here’s one:  every time I come home – every time – I would stand on the lower step into our house, close my eyes and pucker my lips.  Lisa would come out and kiss me, then we would come into the house and hug.   Every time ….  I am still doing that and can feel her especially during those moments now.

Lisa and Sifan as Easter bunnies in SL

Lisa and Sifan as Easter bunnies in SL

We actually met on Second Life, a virtual world that connects people from all over the world.  We still ‘played’ together there.  That allowed her to express her creativity in many beautiful builds that I will maintain and everyone can enjoy.  She was able to express her inner child and work out her issues here too.

My dearest Keahlo, I love you sooo deeply.  I miss your physical touch so intensely…  In what ever you are going through right now, don’t be scared, be assured I am here, loving you forever and giving you comfort in what ways I can.  You have heard me tell you “I am here” so many times – and you know I am and you have taken comfort and relief from that.  Please hear me now my love, I am here, always will be.  And I know and feel you as well.

Forever cuddles my love – forever …..

With the greatest love (and cuddles) ever,

Your kealoha, Sifan

Advertisements

About sifankahale

Aloha ! This is a difficult (very personal and scary) thing for me to share. I have seen and read many other accounts of people who have transitioned – those have helped me immensely. But we are all unique, and my journey does not seem to fit others. So, in hopes of helping others as well as documenting my journey – I’ve created this blog. I am a transsexual woman; my gender is female and my birth sex is male (this is the official medical definition and its in my medical record). This is not a choice, nor is it a lifestyle or even a preference. It took many years, with professional help, to find who I am and to finally merge all of my life’s descriptiveness, talents, sensitivities and general outlook on life into a deep understanding of self. As that phase progressed, it was my maleness that started to fall away, like layers of an onion. Rather than becoming a woman, I realized I am a woman. This is my diary of my journey through transition. With kindness and Aloha, Sifan

17 responses »

  1. That’s really powerful and moving, Sifan. Love, Mark

    Reply
  2. She was a dear dear friend and will be missed. I’m so sorry Sifan. May Lisa rest in peace, and may you soon recover from your loss. Sending love .
    Neony

    Reply
  3. You had -still have – a beautiful love, Sifan. May that love bear you through the grief and on into whatever waits around the next bend.
    Robyn

    Reply
  4. Coming up the mountain, back up to the home Lisa and I shared, I was suddenly ‘hit’ with an awareness from Lisa …. the little girl that I mentioned that was in that cave and then was in her beautiful room, is not out of her room, playing in the sand with her brother that passed away last year and their mother (who passwed away 2 yrs ago) is in her beach chair watching them. Lisa is now free, outside and giggling in the wind!

    Reply
  5. Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure she is smiling down with pride upon you.

    Reply
    • Mahalo jmlol – it’s such an intense loss. And I do feel her presence – I am so grateful for the love we shared – and still do.

      Reply
  6. Oh I’m so sorry, Sifan. I’m glad it was a peaceful passing for her.

    Reply
    • Mahalo pikaperdu. It’s what she always wanted – very happy for her. I am so glad we always cuddled – but this is now so hard ….

      Reply
  7. Reblogged this on The brighter side of the moon.. and commented:
    May her beautiful soul rest in peace ..

    Reply
    • Mahalo Nour S. Thanks for reposting. She was/is beautiful … sooo beautiful …

      Reply
      • Nothing to thank me for, my dear .. There’s now another Angel in heaven .. Everyone should know about her .. And your love to each other radiates from every word of yours ..
        Hugs,
        Nour

  8. Just read this via Nour S. My heart felt condolances at your very sad loss. May she rest in peace.

    Reply
  9. My deepest sympathy for your terrible loss.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s