I’m not sure what to say, accept that I feel I need to post something. Today marks 10 months since my SRS and birth into the physical reality of who I am. Yesterday however, was the 3 month anniversary of when my beloved Lisa passed away. This post will primarily cover transition.
The entirety of these past three months have been spent in grief, morning and loss. People say I’m doing better, but it feels even worse than at first. Nothing in my entire life has been this hard. This is one of the reasons I could not post until now. Not sure I’m ready to post now either but I feel I should.
I think I will be creating separate posts to cover the main things I’m going through and experiencing. Those include the continuing transition (or perhaps it’s post transition now), the grief and loss of my spouse and what I’m going through and what is helping and the many ways that Lisa is showing up and making herself felt. This last one is quite amazing. Lisa is being felt by many and I have heard from a lot of people. This has been an immense relief and comfort to me.
It does not relieve the grief and pain of loss. After all these years of cuddling every night, all night long – my body experiences this loss so terribly. But my spirit knows Lisa is with me and I experience her constantly. These two things continue along at the same time – loss/grief and comfort.
Of course Lisa’s passing has completely eclipsed my transition. I am very grateful that during this period of memorials, life celebrations and lots of public exposure that no one has ‘clocked’ me, no ‘he’ nor ‘him’ or sideways glances or inappropriate comments or remarks. Actually I haven’t had anything like that for more than 1/2 a year now. I’m not sure if that is because of looking more like a woman, acting more like a woman or because of my confidence in being who I am. I think it’s all in the latter – confidence. I’m not even thinking about whether I look like a woman or will I be ‘passing’ ok today, etc. Thanks to my dearest Lisa, I have a confidence now that carries across.
As far as post op recovery is concerned: wow, they are right – looking back, 6 months was the magical time! As I stated in an earlier post, it almost happened overnight, the night before my 6 month anniversary. I no longer used the seat cushion, the remaining pain went away, dilation was much easier, and on and on.
Since then, I have even ridden a bicycle! Now that was something that the thought of before would send very unpleasant shivers up and down me.
I had a granulation between my labia on my right side that used to bleed now and then back in the months after I got home. I was very concerned and was going to have my doctor here remove it. The advice from Chonburi was to just leave it alone. But I wondered what would become of it: would it remain as a protrusion? Would it fall off? Would it just go back in? Well now I have the answer – it goes back in. It’s gone and everything looks good there.
However, my doctor noticed something else – it looked like a ‘Y’ shaped frenulum split my clitoris in half! Sent off a picture to Chonburi and they said ‘oh oh – that needs a revision’. Ouch. The clitoris has ‘legs’ that come down inside the inner labia on a woman. Apparently those legs are along the inner sides of the inner labia instead of underneath. These are sensate, but not to the point of pain or it being a problem. My doctor here said that unless they were effecting me, to not worry about it at all. She also said to look at it this way: I have ‘extra’ sensate areas – be glad !! So, I have a normal clitoris, clitoral hood, frenulum etc., then directly below the frenulum I have these two longish bumps on each side between the upper inner labia that are also as sensate as the clitoris. I’m happy with that!
For dilation, I’m now down to once every 3 days. I am on the largest dilator, have been since before the 6 month mark. I don’t have any problems, no pain and it’s been easy and fast to get to depth. I will wait for another 2 months (my 1 year anniversary) before I cut down to once a week as recommended for that time and then for the rest of my life. Trying to figure out what day I’ll do my dilations on when I get to once a week – hummm – Mondays? – nay, those are bad enough ….
I have finally stopped shaving the upper 1/2 of my face! The electrolysis has progressed far enough along that she now cleans up anything from about midway from my chin to my lower lip and up, then has started on my jaw line and chin and below. There is nothing to shave above that! At last – this is soooo good. However, hair is still growing on my chest and stomach and that is starting to really bother me. It has slowed down and others have said that it will eventually stop given about 2 years or more of HRT. But I’m starting to think I might have her do electrolysis there next if this continues.
I’m also having electrolysis on my eye brows and finding that very very helpful. She applies a topical to numb the area – it’s still a bit more painful than other places but it’s a huge difference in how I look and I don’t have to pluck anymore. What a relief.
One of the concerns I had recently was how to shave my back. Lisa used to do that for me – in the hard places to reach, but now …. Turns out at my doctor’s office they now have waxing and massage. So I signed up for a waxing for my back, my ears and my nose. Yes, nose!! I was pleasantly surprised! They use a topical to numb the inside of the nose and it really (for me) was not painful at all. So this will become part of a tri-monthly routine for me now.
My breasts have grown a bit more – I’m a 42B and filling that in pretty solidly now. I’m glad I did not get breast augmentation when I was in Chonburi – as they had recommended against it and said I would fill out a bit more. I did and am very happy with what I have. Mine are ‘on the sides’ a bit, so when I put on a bra I have to pull or tuck them in (and get ‘side’ control bra’s). This makes them look a lot better as well. One thing I learned the hard way however – a mosquito bite just under the bra band in the middle of my back is the very worst thing to have!!! Can’t reach it plus the bra rubs it raw. ACK !!!!
Finally, my hair is just below my shoulders and slightly wavy along the sides. I love how it is styled and layered. Just right. Ya, I still have high spots on each side of my forehead and therefore have bangs that cover them. I wish I could use other styles but I do like this one. I’ve had my hair up and also in a ponytail – always wanted to do that. I didn’t think I had that much of a ponytail until I caught a reflection in a cornered mirror – wow, it was nice and long – a ‘real’ ponytail at last! Now if I could just get more hair to cover those high spots ….
I’m settling on a style! I’m mostly wearing mid to long skirts with tank tops (here in Hawaii) along with cork wedge sandals (1.5 -> 2″) and almost always earrings and a necklace, sometimes a bracelet as well. I don’t like pants but will wear jeans when I have to (like going to the summit or taking hikes).
Well, here you have it – my first post about transition after Lisa passed away. Finally, I was able to write. Hopefully shortly I will write about how Lisa has been showing up to me and others plus a post about grief/loss and coping.
With much aloha,