Category Archives: About

Update from the Coast

Posted on December 2, 2017 by sifankahale

Winter Ocean

It’s a foggy rainy winter day: the ocean waves are noisy and pounding, the sand is once again back covering the bedrock of the beach. Some flowers are just starting to bloom – amazing! Fireplace is on and Bella, my cat, is cuddled and cozy on my lap – putting up with my typing, but occasionally demanding attention.

It is Thanksgiving, in a bit I will be preparing a dish to bring with me to the community dinner and celebration. Tomorrow I’ll be joining my neighbors in another celebration next door. I still have to figure out what I’m going to cook for that.

I just got home from up in Portland where I was attending the TDOR events (Transgender Day Of Remembrance). We have come so far, but yet suffer so much – this is the highest number of murders yet in a single year. It’s so sad. One of the speakers, a very shy and private person, said she was out and active precisely because of the political climate now – that of all periods in history, this is so critically important – ‘now’. She is right, not just for transgender, but for so many others as well.

Tree across snowy road in the high Cascades

As usual, I went the opposite direction on my way home (intentionally, in order to explore this beautiful land). And as usual, I wound up high in the Cascade mountains, this time almost got stuck in the snow and had to backtrack almost 50 miles before I could cut back across. I love these adventures and the raw nature that I’m experiencing!

So, where am I in my transition? Am I still in transition? Wow, good question!

Some say we are always in transition. Hummm. I guess that depends on what you mean. I see myself growing, especially spiritually. The changes now are those paths that would be followed regardless of physically and psychologically transgender related issues. That would be a whole new post!

For the most part, I view myself as having transitioned to a woman or more precisely to a female (was born a woman). Even during my drive across the country and staying in out-of-the-way places, I was never miss-gendered. Which I consider somewhat remarkable given I traveled through some very conservative territories.

There are still some dysphoric moments: my hair will be wet or blown and my face will look to masculine, a combination of clothes might make me look not feminine enough and there are times in a public place that I just have this feeling, uncomfortable and want to leave. But a lot of my women friends feel this way at times as well.

: Winter Blooms

There was a phase I went through where I felt I had to be overly feminine, perhaps out of a fear of not passing or perhaps that finally I’ve transitioned and had a lot to catch up on. Lisa would call that ‘fru fru’! I do miss being able to wear all the colorful flowery outfits in Hawaii. It’s quite drab here on the coast compared to there. Being here has certainly helped in grounding me fashion wise. However, I do love to find a ‘fancy’ event so that I can dress up a bit!

Three year update – post transition (this section meant for those in transition or about to start):

Everything has settled down. About a half year ago my Estrogen levels were way up, so my doctor cut me back by 25%. I’m on Estradiol patches which I think are great! I apply only twice a week, so very little maintenance compared to nightly rubbing gel on my thighs. I don’t like shots and oral pills are not good for your liver – so this is the best solution for me.

I found (as many other sisters have) that I only need to dilate about twice a month. Better still, I have regained the depth that the doctor measured right after the operation. And … now and then I measured a greater depth. I still use the ‘big’ dilator given me at the clinic. I have had no issues with the exception of experiencing ‘Merlin’s Sword’ syndrome twice (didn’t use enough lube and it gets stuck). If you’re dilating and this happens to you: take a deep breadth and ‘slowly’ twist and extract. Not a biggie.

Another huge change a half year ago – I had a follicle transplant. Today, those hairs are about 2 inches long! Very soon I’ll be able to have them incorporated into a style and colored as well. But already, it has made a huge difference in how my face looks. This was the cause of a lot of additional dysphoria. It’s so nice to get beyond that.

It took me awhile to determine if this was true: I do have a roughly monthly cycle of bloating for about a week then a day of using the restroom almost every half hour! This is also coupled with being more sensual and sensitive. At first I thought maybe I drank too much coffee or something! So I decided to keep track and yup, not quite monthly. I wonder if others that have transitioned MtF have noticed anything like this?

Life beyond transition – yes, this was a lifesaver and was the second most important thing in my life (first was Lisa and oh do I wish she was still alive).

With much aloha,

Sifan

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Starting my Life on the Oregon Coast

Posted on June 10, 2017 by sifankahale

Teaching at the Community College

I’ve been giving astronomy talks and presentations here in Oregon since I moved here last year. This plus so many other activities have allowed me to make connections with lots of wonderful people here.

Last week I finished teaching the last course at the community college here. It was a 2 hour talk about the up coming eclipse. The head of the college introduced me by saying that once the community here found out I was an astronomer that everyone has been taking full advantage of me! In the room were the fire chief, a talk radio host, news paper editor, city manager and a couple of other community leaders that have already had me at their meetings or on the radio or news paper! They all had a good giggle! Oh, and also the head of our Coronado Shores club where I live – they had me give 2 talks already as well.

I’m finally able to take it easy. Except that I’m putting together what I need for the eclipse. I bought a Nikon camera, telescope interfaces and accessories and software to automate both the telescope and the camera. I’ve been out during the day with all the equipment testing out the setup. My goal is to setup at the beach cabana here with the camera/telescope/computer and have a large screen monitor so everyone can watch at once (and not have to look through the telescope). It’s coming along. There are a few more pieces I need – just waiting for my next paycheck…

Oh – reminds me – I found this awesome astronomy dress – call ‘MoonStruck’. It’s a maxi, dark with stars/moon/nebulas! The last talk I gave (at the community college) I wore my star dress (knee length, glows in the dark …). This will be a nice complement! Got to do something unique for these talks – hate to wear the same thing everywhere …. (!!).

The biggest accomplishment for me was getting the final mortgage taken care of on the house here. I now have a reverse mortgage so I am covered for the rest of my life. There are no payments (I have to keep insurance and taxes up to day) and I can draw out the excess equity when I need (the equity earns >6% interest if I leave it in). I’m not sure why – but this was a ‘huge’ relief for me. I think I have a greater need for security than I realize…

Oh, you should see all the little things I’ve placed around the house and the garden. In anticipation of the grandkids visiting, I’ve created little nooks out and around – some with little faeries, some with glowing colored stones, artwork and wind blown things – all match into the landscape so that one has to look for them and hopefully be delighted when found! (Ok, grandkids was only an excuse …!!) I remember Aunt Mae and her house in upper Michigan. She had so many special places around her house. Also, Lisa (and I) would create these intimate nooks in SecondLife. These were very peaceful places to visit (as an avatar) and held meaning and beauty. I have preserved all of those and go there often. I am finding that my time in the virtual worlds have allowed me to find and cultivate more of my spirit than I had thought. And now, I’m able to actualize these – not because I’m duplicating anything, but because this is me. If anything that last statement is hindsight – it’s realizing after the fact that ‘oh, we did this in SL…’.

One other interesting correlation to SL: Lisa had created a beautifully artistic tray and perfume bottles (and makeup) for a dressing table in SecondLife. She even created a jeweled powder case. After I finally moved here to Oregon and unpacked everything – including a dressing table we had in storage in Carlsbad – there it is – a try filled with beautiful colored perfume bottles in many shapes, a jeweled powder case and much more. I just wish she was here to enjoy this with me!

I’ve been out and about on beaches, mountains tops, kayaking lakes and hiking out cliff edges … Also posted pictures of sea lions and birds right from my deck here. I am sooo glad I chose this location. It really encompasses so many of the things my soul/spirit needs! The people here are awesome. I go to a woman’s breakfast, then we have a woman’s coffee and then there is a dine out. This is in addition to picnics and potlucks.

I have a number of good friends now as well. I meet my new good friends on Wends and Thurs mornings for “Life between Lives” and “Socrates Cafe”. We go out after for lunch which usually winds up taking 5 hours! I have a friend in Corvallis that will call me and we’ll get together for hiking or kayaking and another friend that will get together with me to go see plays and events at the Newport cultural center. There are a couple of people up in Portland and also in Seattle that have been twisting my arm to come up and stay with them. The neighbors on both sides of me are single women, and we will get together at each others house or go to events together. So, I’m plugged in, it’s keeping me quite busy – ha, no time left for work!!

Oh, but the grief. Yes … It’s so very strange, there are times when I feel Lisa so so close, within me, and I feel comfort and bliss with her walking with me. Then there are times when loss completely overcomes me and I’ll lay in bed crying for hours. It’s been more of the former and less of the latter lately. But the roller coaster continues. I’ll never know. Sometimes things trigger it – other times those same triggers are actually comforting as I am so very grateful to have spent these years with Lisa. I just never know what a trigger might do to me.

An interesting thing happened a couple of weeks ago at one of the ‘Life between Lives” sessions. One of the women there said she needed to talk to me after. She said her ‘guides’ (she channels) had a very important message for me. She said it was from a spouse that had passed away. She said I was supposed to drink plenty of fluids – that (Lisa) was impeded from coming through to me because of this and that she would be able to communicate with me if I did. This was interesting because a week or so prior to this, both my doctor and my electrologist had just told me the same thing! Well, two days later, after drinking a lot of fluids, just before bed when I was very relaxed and calm – I had a nice ‘chat’ with Lisa!!! In all the time since she passed away, I have never felt so serene and calm as that night and the following day. Parts were even blissful! I noticed that there was an intensity that night, that made it hard to maintain. I’m still ‘pondering’ that (as Lisa would say…).

With Aloha,

Sifan

16 Months (Past One Year) Post Opt (WooooHooo)

Posted on December 4, 2015 by sifankahale

Lisa: a beautiful being

In my last post I thought I was ready and able to start writing again, since the loss of my precious beloved Lisa. I guess I wasn’t all that ready. This is coming up on nine months since she passed away and the grieving and loss is just as intense as it was then. I am a bit stronger, I do have times now where I am enjoying life and times where I feel good and feel like I have my feet firmly on the ground and accomplishing things and proud of it. It is like waves in the ocean (huge ones): there are times when I’m struggling to get air and being tossed around like being inside a clothes dryer and there are times that I’m peacefully, calmly and confidently floating on top.

I had promised to write two other posts, one on the ways that Lisa has come to me and is present in my life and the other about handling grief and the process that I’m going through. I have started both of those posts, but have not been able to finish – partly because of the continuing intensity of this grief. Someone told me that the intensity of grief is a testament to the greatness of the love shared. I firmly hold that as true. Lisa and I had an intense love and life together. It’s the type of love that as a teenager I had dreamed about, the kind one finds only in novels and great plays. But it happened – it happened to us. Terms like twin flame and soul mates don’t come close…

Leaving flowers at Lisa’s memorial

It is a week to my 16th anniversary (and the day before my anniversary will be 9 months since Lisa passed away ….). As a result, my 1 year anniversary of my SRS and becoming who I am inside now on the outside, was a pretty hard day with vivid memories of Lisa and I sharing the hospital room and her being constantly by my side plus all the times in Chonburi getting out and around.

Since the last post, I’m now dilating only once a week – I picked Sunday nights. There were times when I missed a week and didn’t have any issues or problems the next time I dilated. Some people I know only dilate only once a month. I might go to that after my 2nd year anniversary but don’t think that would be a good idea right now.

I’ve traveled to the mainland twice this year already and will make another trip in Dec. I think it’s important to visit Lisa’s and my family more often then we did before, especially after her passing. During the first trip I held life celebrations for Lisa with everyone and together we scattered some of her ashes in places that were very special to her. The second trip was just to be together with them, revisit some of these place but also to reminisce and just be together, as a family. My trip in Dec will be along the same lines. Although, this will be the first time back in Minnesota during their winter – not sure how smart of an idea this is, but the grand kids have been remembering me and I want to be there more often for them.

On the way to the airport when I was leaving Minneapolis to come home the last time – I got rear ended on the interstate. I saw my doctor and she prescribed a month’s worth of therapeutic massages, twice a week! I like this doctor!! Those are wonderful, so relaxing and has helped my stiff neck and back that I had after the accident. I have one more to go. But I think I’ll come back once a month (on my own) from now on. These really help reduce stress and relax the body.

Lisa and Mazie

Another major thing that happened is our (Lisa and my) cat Mazie passed away. Mazie was a very affectionate and loving. After Lisa passed away, Mazie would cuddle with me in bed and would always be on my lap when I got home. It’s very interesting that Mazie came to us (appeared at our back lanai) after Lisa’s mother Mazel passed away. Hence her name – Lisa named her after and in honor of her mother. And now, Mazie passed away about 2 months after Lisa did. She was here for Lisa! This picture of Mazie on Lisa’s lap says it all.

Last week, a good friend of mine decided she is going to move to the mainland and would not be able to bring her cat along and asked me if I would take the cat (named Bella Marie). Bella is 7 years old, a mix of Tobi and Siamese and is very loving as well. At first I wasn’t sure I was ready. Bella knew me from the times I would visit, so everything went exceptionally well when she was came to stay with me. She is becoming just as affectionate as Mazie was – sitting on my lap and laying at foot of the bed at night, occasionally coming up and cuddling next to me. And amazingly, she is toilet trained! She is an indoor cat, so I don’t have the messes I had with Mazie trekking in all the dirt. Bella is a huge help with my grief and loss of Lisa (and Mazie). It’s great having her around the house. Another loving being is now sharing the house with me!

I’m keeping myself busy – maybe a bit too busy. For a couple of weeks I helped a good friend of mine with her business – spiced cacao. I helped package, label, count and load everything up for a ‘Made in Maui’ huge event. That was a lot of fun and met a lot of friends there. She also took me out to a couple of Rotary outings, one was a Halloween party put on by a well known doctor here – that was awesome.

I’ve also been elected to the board of Maui Pride. For me this is a huge honor. I’ll be helping with their events and planning. They have monthly hikes, monthly dine outs, special events, etc. Their largest event, the Maui Pride Fair, raises enough money to be able to hand out a dozen or so scholarships to LGBT students here. They also help other organization on island with their fundraisers like “Woman helping Woman” and the AIDS foundation.

Through on of their events – a dine out – I met a wonderful couple. A couple of weeks later I get an invite to their wedding! It was beautiful. They are both chefs and you can just imagine the festivities and food afterwords. Well, last week was a birthday of a mutual friend, I was invited over to their house. There were five of us women and we had a wonderful time. It is so great to be accepted by them and to enjoy their company. Now, I’ve been invited to share Thanksgiving with them. What an honor!

Ok, on to transition and what’s it’s like for me at 16 months. Again, so much has been eclipsed by Lisa’s passing, followed by the loss of Mazie our cat and also all three topical fish (basically every living thing in our house except me!). It was just one thing after another. Then that was followed by losing a number of precious items, like the ring from Lisa’s finger (that I took off of her in the hospital after she passed away). So it’s been pretty tough.

It is nice only dilating once a week – that takes off a huge burden. My breasts have been sore now and then, just like they were when a growth spurt occurred – and they have grown a bit more. I had one scare however. I had my first mammogram and they called me back to get an ultrasound. It turns out I had a swollen lymph node and not to be worried. However, this does point out how important it is to be checked.

So, a bit of TMI (too much information) – stop here if you don’t want TMI ….

Everything ‘down below’ has healed well and functioning perfectly. As a young boy I could never understand my mother when she always told me to clean myself very well down there. What was there to clean any more then any other part of my body? Well … things are sure different now and I now understand what she was referring to! There are so many folds and creases down there that it’s a lot harder to clean. I’m not sure what they call that white stuff that forms in the creases but it does not smell good. Twice I asked my doctor and she showed me yet another crease or fold I didn’t know about, where this hid …. I’ve got ’em all now.

Big news is that I had my very first orgasm. It was a small one, but it was one none the less! A lot of trans*women have experienced their first orgasm at around 4 or 5 months post opt. But I had urinary problems when I came home from Chonburi and then a urinary infection back home that took months to clear up. A couple of months after that, the love of my life, my spouse Lisa passed away (she is a nurse and was with me in Chonburi for my operation). I had a dream where Lisa came to me. She wanted so much to give me my first one. So, in a way she did. Just like Lisa, an orgasm’s effects lasts for days after – sort of a glow – just like Lisa always had. This is just one of many ways Lisa has been showing up – but that is for another post, perhaps another blog site.

So there were lots of factors contributing to not being able to orgasm when others had. But, it finally happened. Just wish my beloved Lisa would have physically been here with me ….. miss her so terribly much …

Those who are post opt and have not yet had an orgasm, you need to be patient – it took me a year. And ‘yes’ to what most others have posted about this – it is different, both physically and mentally. As a male we were used to ‘forcing’ it, powering through and everything was very focused (mentally and physically). This is not the case now. It’s now more about letting go, feeling the entire body, not being focused at all. Instead being patient, not forcing anything, being open and sensing ‘all’ your feelings. Here is an accurate but somewhat strange comparison: for those of you that have had SRS surgery, it’s like the first time you had to urinate (usually they make you do this before you can leave the hospital). You find out really quick that you can not do it the way you did as a male – you can ‘not’ force it out. You have be patient, relax, no stress or strain and allow it to flow. I’m glad I have transitioned.

Well, in the interests of getting this finished and posted, I’m going to finish here. I can include more details in the next post. Wishing everyone happy holidays!

With Aloha,

Sifan

10 Months Post-Op

Posted on July 10, 2015 by sifankahale

Sifan 7/10/2015

I’m not sure what to say, accept that I feel I need to post something. Today marks 10 months since my SRS and birth into the physical reality of who I am. Yesterday however, was the 3 month anniversary of when my beloved Lisa passed away. This post will primarily cover transition.

The entirety of these past three months have been spent in grief, morning and loss. People say I’m doing better, but it feels even worse than at first. Nothing in my entire life has been this hard. This is one of the reasons I could not post until now. Not sure I’m ready to post now either but I feel I should.

I think I will be creating separate posts to cover the main things I’m going through and experiencing. Those include the continuing transition (or perhaps it’s post transition now), the grief and loss of my spouse and what I’m going through and what is helping and the many ways that Lisa is showing up and making herself felt. This last one is quite amazing. Lisa is being felt by many and I have heard from a lot of people. This has been an immense relief and comfort to me.

It does not relieve the grief and pain of loss. After all these years of cuddling every night, all night long – my body experiences this loss so terribly. But my spirit knows Lisa is with me and I experience her constantly. These two things continue along at the same time – loss/grief and comfort.

Of course Lisa’s passing has completely eclipsed my transition. I am very grateful that during this period of memorials, life celebrations and lots of public exposure that no one has ‘clocked’ me, no ‘he’ nor ‘him’ or sideways glances or inappropriate comments or remarks. Actually I haven’t had anything like that for more than 1/2 a year now. I’m not sure if that is because of looking more like a woman, acting more like a woman or because of my confidence in being who I am. I think it’s all in the latter – confidence. I’m not even thinking about whether I look like a woman or will I be ‘passing’ ok today, etc. Thanks to my dearest Lisa, I have a confidence now that carries across.

As far as post op recovery is concerned: wow, they are right – looking back, 6 months was the magical time! As I stated in an earlier post, it almost happened overnight, the night before my 6 month anniversary. I no longer used the seat cushion, the remaining pain went away, dilation was much easier, and on and on.

Since then, I have even ridden a bicycle! Now that was something that the thought of before would send very unpleasant shivers up and down me.

I had a granulation between my labia on my right side that used to bleed now and then back in the months after I got home. I was very concerned and was going to have my doctor here remove it. The advice from Chonburi was to just leave it alone. But I wondered what would become of it: would it remain as a protrusion? Would it fall off? Would it just go back in? Well now I have the answer – it goes back in. It’s gone and everything looks good there.

However, my doctor noticed something else – it looked like a ‘Y’ shaped frenulum split my clitoris in half! Sent off a picture to Chonburi and they said ‘oh oh – that needs a revision’. Ouch. The clitoris has ‘legs’ that come down inside the inner labia on a woman. Apparently those legs are along the inner sides of the inner labia instead of underneath. These are sensate, but not to the point of pain or it being a problem. My doctor here said that unless they were effecting me, to not worry about it at all. She also said to look at it this way: I have ‘extra’ sensate areas – be glad !! So, I have a normal clitoris, clitoral hood, frenulum etc., then directly below the frenulum I have these two longish bumps on each side between the upper inner labia that are also as sensate as the clitoris. I’m happy with that!

For dilation, I’m now down to once every 3 days. I am on the largest dilator, have been since before the 6 month mark. I don’t have any problems, no pain and it’s been easy and fast to get to depth. I will wait for another 2 months (my 1 year anniversary) before I cut down to once a week as recommended for that time and then for the rest of my life. Trying to figure out what day I’ll do my dilations on when I get to once a week – hummm – Mondays? – nay, those are bad enough ….

I have finally stopped shaving the upper 1/2 of my face! The electrolysis has progressed far enough along that she now cleans up anything from about midway from my chin to my lower lip and up, then has started on my jaw line and chin and below. There is nothing to shave above that! At last – this is soooo good. However, hair is still growing on my chest and stomach and that is starting to really bother me. It has slowed down and others have said that it will eventually stop given about 2 years or more of HRT. But I’m starting to think I might have her do electrolysis there next if this continues.

I’m also having electrolysis on my eye brows and finding that very very helpful. She applies a topical to numb the area – it’s still a bit more painful than other places but it’s a huge difference in how I look and I don’t have to pluck anymore. What a relief.

One of the concerns I had recently was how to shave my back. Lisa used to do that for me – in the hard places to reach, but now …. Turns out at my doctor’s office they now have waxing and massage. So I signed up for a waxing for my back, my ears and my nose. Yes, nose!! I was pleasantly surprised! They use a topical to numb the inside of the nose and it really (for me) was not painful at all. So this will become part of a tri-monthly routine for me now.

My breasts have grown a bit more – I’m a 42B and filling that in pretty solidly now. I’m glad I did not get breast augmentation when I was in Chonburi – as they had recommended against it and said I would fill out a bit more. I did and am very happy with what I have. Mine are ‘on the sides’ a bit, so when I put on a bra I have to pull or tuck them in (and get ‘side’ control bra’s). This makes them look a lot better as well. One thing I learned the hard way however – a mosquito bite just under the bra band in the middle of my back is the very worst thing to have!!! Can’t reach it plus the bra rubs it raw. ACK !!!!

Finally, my hair is just below my shoulders and slightly wavy along the sides. I love how it is styled and layered. Just right. Ya, I still have high spots on each side of my forehead and therefore have bangs that cover them. I wish I could use other styles but I do like this one. I’ve had my hair up and also in a ponytail – always wanted to do that. I didn’t think I had that much of a ponytail until I caught a reflection in a cornered mirror – wow, it was nice and long – a ‘real’ ponytail at last! Now if I could just get more hair to cover those high spots ….

I’m settling on a style! I’m mostly wearing mid to long skirts with tank tops (here in Hawaii) along with cork wedge sandals (1.5 -> 2″) and almost always earrings and a necklace, sometimes a bracelet as well. I don’t like pants but will wear jeans when I have to (like going to the summit or taking hikes).

Well, here you have it – my first post about transition after Lisa passed away. Finally, I was able to write. Hopefully shortly I will write about how Lisa has been showing up to me and others plus a post about grief/loss and coping.

With much aloha,

Sifan

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Posted in About, Advice, Death of a Spouse, Diary, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Transition, Transsexual and tagged 10 Month Post Op, Being Female, Being Passable, Being Read, Chonburi, Clocked, Dilation, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Gender Change, grief, loss, Spouse passing, SRS, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

Sifan’s Vagina Monologue

Posted on March 19, 2015 by sifankahale

The Vagina Monologues

A couple of months ago I was fortunate to be able to see a local production of ‘The Vagina Monologues’ here on Maui. I was invited to come along with six other woman. It was a quit the experience. A lot of bonding, a lot of laughing, some crying. but everyone came away with a deeper sense of what it means to be a woman and a sense of ‘owning’ this important part of ourselves.

For me it was an initiation of sorts. It allowed me to be proud of who and what I am. It got me in touch with myself – much deeper appreciation of a vital part of myself that was missing for the majority of my life.

One of the monologues had to do with a transsexual woman’s experience. It was read by a good friend of mine who is a trans-woman like me. At one point she declared: “I payed for my Vagina!” Well, all the way home that night, my mind came up with verse after verse of a monologue that I would have given. I decided I should put the virtual ink to virtual paper and post this.

I had to pay for my Vagina
(The Voice of a Transsexual Vagina)

I was born a woman without a vagina. I have had to deal with the confusion, societies stereotypes and misunderstandings for most of my life – like more than 60 years.

From the very start, my first memories are of knowing that I was supposed to be ‘smooth’ down there. I didn’t know what smooth was supposed to look like until many years later when my baby sister was born.

Early trauma involving my mother and then school had triggered my subconscious into protection mode. It felt the misunderstandings, the stereotypes and the hatred that society had towards me so it convinced my conscious mind that I wasn’t a woman.

Me convincing me by achieving ‘manly’ goals to prove it: technical mountain climbing, small plane pilot, long mountain treks, marriage, children and grandchildren, even starting a high risk business.

Who and what am I? How could I be a woman without a Vagina? Where is my authentic self and what is it?

But my body knew even if my head did not. Waking up after surgery, at the birth of my Vagina – I had a visceral feeling that I was now back to how I ‘used to be’. After surgery, somehow these sensations were ‘known’ and ‘normal’ to my body and I was at peace. Before, it was a constant irritation and cause of deep dysphoria.

There are many costs that had to be paid:

My Vagina cost me over $20,000 and a trip to the other side of the world.

It is going to cost me almost as much and two years for electrolysis and other procedures to correct what testosterone and puberty has done to my body. Some of those things can not be changed.

It cost me a month of pain: 5 hours of surgery, 7 days in a hospital and 23 days in a hotel next to the clinic to give birth to my Vagina Some of this was the most severe pain of my life.

Four months of blood and fluid loss, of intense contractions as my Vagina healed.

A loss of everything I had before: some friends, part of my family, a great job and a dream house on one of the 10,000 Minnesota lakes.

Other transsexuals have lost their lives to suicide or have been murdered because some people cannot deal with our authenticity, our truth.

My trans*Sisters – OUR sisters – live with this reality daily.

Our Vagina is an integral part of my ‘our bodies. It is vitally important to be in connection with and ‘own’ our Vaginas.

All my life, my body knew this even though my head did not. I paid for my Vagina with gender dysphoria.

Puberty robbed my body of many essential feminine traits.

I am still ‘paying’ for my Vagina ….

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Posted in About, Transition, Transsexual and tagged Being Female, GRS, MTF, SRS, Transgender, Transsexual, Vagina Monologue. Bookmark the permalink.

Memo to my Former Self (2 of 3: to my 15 yr old self)

Posted on March 16, 2015 by sifankahale

This is the second in my series “Memos to my Former Self”. The first was to my 7 year old self. This one is a letter to my teenage high school self. I plan on writing a third one to my older self, when I was 57 when I was just on the cusp of finding out my truth.

I recently read a book (“Letters For My Sisters, Transitional Wisdom in Retrospect. Published by Transgress Press”) compiled with stories that trans* people wrote to their younger selves. They were asked “what would you say to your former self” and “to what age”?

Steve: High School years

Heh Steve! Hold up a minute. Ya, I know you just finished ROTC drill team practice and need to get ready for the dance tonight. Kathy is a wonderful gal, you and her make a beautiful couple. I know you are going to have fun tonight!

Oh, I’ll get around to that – I think you will quickly figure out how I know these things. Let’s just say I’m not your average older woman and that we have everything in common …

Look, I know you are having a tough time right now. Yesterday you were downtown walking up main street. You looked a bit grim, very unusual for you huh? You really really want the next 5 years to pass by with the snap of your fingers. Guess what? I’m proud of you for wishing that! I know, seems strange that I would agree with you huh? But what you don’t see is what underlies all of that. Wishing this is your way of coping. The alternative – quitting life – is not something you would ever consider, right? Trust me, I very glad and proud of you for that.

This may seem like a strange thing to say, but I know that it is hard for you to be out in public, walking downtown or even the dance tonight. At least tonight it will be dark and only Kathy will be noticing you, or at least that is what you hope.

It’s been difficult growing up, right? Sort of conflicting a number of times. Part of you was glad you finally started to shave but another part, deep down, was horrified. Ya, I know you only felt the conflict and could not understand where it came from.

And Kathy – isn’t it wonderful to have a steady at last? It’s not like you don’t have girl friends. Seems like every single girl you meet is your friend. But none (except Kathy) ever see you as anything other than, well, another one of their girl friends. In fact, they would tell you things they would only tell their girl friends – and they would never ever tell a ‘boy’!

I know this made you feel very special. And it should. I also know that you have never doubted your maleness even in light of this. Or in light of seeing how much different all the other boys are from you. And it’s not just the normal differences between one individual and another. We are talking ‘all’ the boys. Not only that, you are disgusted with the attitudes of grown men, especially when it revolves around women. People you looked up to and thought were great men and even your role models have this distorted view – objectifying them, seeing them as second rate and sexualizing them. And oh my god, even priests (pun intended)!

Of course you don’t understand the men but do understand the women very well. You have a lot in common with them. That is why they come to you, as another one of their girl friends and also why they do not date you. Same sex dating is a pretty big no-no right? Yes, I know, you believe you are a man, but try to understand that from their perspective, you ‘know’ (and feel) to much.

Look, sorry, but I can not spill all the beans. I will give you some hints to try to help. You have had some trauma in your early childhood that resulted in your hiding a large piece of yourself very deeply. Sad to say, it is going to take almost the rest of your life to figure it out. But that is ok.

You have done so much already with your life. So many accomplishments – but everyone just writes those off and I know it seems like you even have to hide those or never talk about them for fear of ridicule or worse, being accused of the dreaded bragging. Your mother will brag about your other brothers and your sister, but only complains to others about you. This is so unfair – you are so much better – especially when you know what your brothers have done. Somehow they still are the apple of your mom’s eye.

Hang in there Steve – know inside that you are better than just ok – you are awesome – even though no one else will ever acknowledge that. I’ll give you a small hint: they are jealous. I’m sorry to tell you, but this will continue like that for the rest of your life with them. But trust me, later in life, not only will you confirm this, but others will tell you this too.

Steve: finally a happy face! You were always so serious.

You know how you always seem to need to accomplish things? Sort of always feeling like you have to prove yourself? Ya, I know, it’s a constant pressure. You are always so serious, even your pictures show that. Well, you know, all these things we just talked about contribute to this. They all add up and compound the pressure to perform. Unfortunately your deep dark secret is part of the cause of all of this.

That part about the girls seeing you as another girl friend? And how disgusted you are about not just some but all other other boys? Ya. This has instilled in you a powerful drive to prove yourself from the very core of your being.

I commend you for picking and choosing honorable ways of proving yourself: the sciences, academically (not talking grades here, I know you have picked the toughest courses, way beyond what is expected and you are keeping your head above water) and emotionally. Steve, you will find that it is very rare to combine feelings and sensitivities with both science and with being ‘manly’. Your future partners (sorry to say, but yes, that is plural) will see this in you and tell you that was one of the main attractions they had for you.

Steve, these are all pointers to your true self. Unfortunately, you will not figure this out for another 40 years. In a strange way perhaps it is fortunate. Right now, in the strict conservative society you live in, that society would destroy you, your life, your world would completely change and life would be very very tough indeed. You will need to trust me on this. Just keep these memories, these ‘pointers’. They will come in handy later on in life.

For now, trust that you are on the right path. Be the daring brave person you are. Get out there and climb those cliffs (I mean this both figuratively and literally – you are going to take huge risks in your life that you will succeed in and you are destined to be a technical mountain climber!).

Teenage Steve

You will start your own business, a high risk adventure that will last 8 years. You and everyone involved will wind up far ahead in life and business because of what you start and do. And you will get to fly a plane and almost get your private pilots license. Your friends will invite you to come along with them to climb the cliffs by devils lake. And that is before climbing hardware was used – you will learn how to tie ropes to form a safety belt and how to repeal with rope only! You will be very daring and adventurous. Some will say a bit too risky. But you have calculated those risks – these are well chosen, well within your abilities. You might not understand this, but you need to do these things. You need to prove yourself, you always have. It has to do with your feelings of not fitting in as a boy, a man.

Oh and Kathy – what a gal! You will have fond memories and attempt to find her later in life. Unfortunately, the most you will find out is 5th hand information: something about her living upstate, married, not very well off and not happy. Sorry about that. Your second love winds up as a medical doctor and lives in a very posh neighborhood, so I guess that balances things out. You find others, some will break your heart, but you pick up and move on, even though you felt for sure “she was the one”.

A married Steve, about 25yrs old

Yes, you will get married (twice). You will have two sons and you will have four wonderful grandsons. Unfortunately, after they have left the house on their own, your deep secret will start to manifest and this will cause them a great amount of grief. You will lose everything you had accomplished at that time: your marriage, your sons and their families, your job and your dream house on a northern lake, not to mention a lot of friends and other family. The sad thing is that you will not even know why until years after. That is when all the pieces will come together.

You will not be very happy with what you did to bring this on. I’m not going to judge that one way or another. It just is. You will need to accept that and push on.

And there is good news after that: you get married again, this time to another wonderful person and guess what? You move to Hawaii and get the most awesome perfect job for you. And even better, you finally figure out who and what you are, and you successfully change to be the authentic you.

Yes, you make it – in spades ….

Hang in there kiddo – those next 5 years you are wishing to pass will evaporate (maybe too fast).

… from your future self

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Posted in About, Advice, Diary and tagged Internal Transition, Letter to my former self, MTF, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

Memo to my Former Self (1 of 3: to my 8 yr old self)

Posted on March 16, 2015 by sifankahale

I think this is brilliant and thought I would give it a go. But I had a hard time determining the age that I would sent it too. The best I could do was come up with was three different times of my life that I would have sent a letter to. This is the first of those three. I’m sending this to myself when I was in early grade school – about 8 or 9 years of age.

Steven: 7 Year old me

Hi Steven, it’s ok. I know I must look ancient to you but please don’t be afraid. I’m not one of those adults that tell you what to do or believe a child should be seen and not heard. I know how tired you are of always being second tier: adults, older kids, bullies.

Your parents don’t give you credit for what you accomplish. I know all you want is some recognition for your hard work. You just want to have some say in your life and some control over yourself, your life and your future. I know…

And yet – look at yourself – one can see in your eyes how proud you are of yourself and of your determination. Remember this, these are powerful tools that you have and that will get your through life. And I’m sorry to say: you will need to remember this.

I have some great news and perhaps some scary and unbelievable news – about you and your future!

You know how every body in school picks on Billy, calls him names, thinks he’s slow and stupid and retarded? You hate that. You’ve seen how smart he is. He just has a problem in front of people he does not know well. But no one gives him credit, they just ridicule him and call him names. Worse yet, you saw how his other friends attempted to stick up for him and then they got ridiculed and shunned. I know this has kept you quite and that you held back from supporting him in public. I know you feel bad about that too.

I’m not going to tell you that you should have stood up for him. I know that you have something you are hiding that would make it even worse for you if anyone knew. Surprised? Yes, I knew you would be. I’m sorry to say, that even at your very young age, trauma has forced your secret so deep that it will take many many years to reconnect to it.

I know you are scared, you saw how people treat Joey, calling him names like sissy and queer just because everyone thinks he acts like a girl and likes the other boys. And I know you have some things in common with him. And yes, I know you like girls not boys. In fact you can’t understand boys and why they are the way they are. They are so different than you – right? And I know you are having problems understanding why you are so different.

You have spent a lot of time thinking about this, right? A part of you knows you are more like all the girls around you then the boys. Yes, I know, you ‘know’ you are a boy and just have these ‘extra’ abilities and sensitivities. And that’s ok. It really is ok.

I can see how all the kids at school would treat you and the very difficult time you would have if they knew. And you have already seen what would happen from watching how they treat Billy and Joey and others. You need to be protected and that is what your unconsciousness has done for you – buried this deeply. And that is ok too.

You believe fitting in and doing what everyone tells you to do and achieving will make you successful. And you know from watching others that doing this puts you ahead and in front of everyone else. You have seen how competitive grade school is and know that success is not on the play ground or being the most popular with the kids. You see the larger picture – it’s the adults and later life you are getting ready for.

Well, you are right! But everything has a price. Your price is burying something so deep that it will take 50 years before you find it and solve it.

Steve: at puberty

This is ok too. Everything has a give and take. This will haunt you, you will not fully understand why or what it is. There will be many times when life will give you huge clues, but you will simply ‘file them away’ only later to look back and finally put the pieces together. Such is life I’m afraid.

Yes, it’s going to be hard. There will be times you wish you could just skip forward 5 years – get past the awful times. At least you will never think of calling it quits. You are tough that way.

Please, take time to look back at your accomplishments and awards. You need to know that you are accomplishing some really big and cool things. I know they seem like nothing, like everyone else and that you feel you are not at all special – you are constantly being told this by your teachers, your parents and family and even the other kids. But really, as you grow up, remember this: take time to look back and assess your spectacular achievements – they really are wonderful accomplishments you know. And you need to know that.

You have a wonderful enjoyment of life. Your nature is to be happy. This is going to serve you very well. You love nature and many times you will go to her to help sooth yourself and solve the issues life throws at you. Believe me, you have all the ‘tools’ you need and then some…

Let me give you a small peek at the rest of your life. There are many hard times – much harder then what you are experiencing right now. But you accomplish so much. You will find and experience some of the most beautiful and joyous moments anyone could wish for. The last job you have before retiring will be a dream come true for you.

Steven – about 7

You will have a family, grand-kids too. They will be an awesome part of your life. But, when you solve your deep secret, you will cause them great pain and will have to leave them. The jury is still out if they will ever reconcile. Like I said, everything has a price. I’m sorry to tell you this.

I’m not going to comment on good or bad. Life just is. Things that seem bad usually turn out much much better – although it takes time before that happens. You will always be happy and content with life. You will continue to achieve and to enjoy life.

Solving your deep secret will free you – in ways you just can not imagine. Yes, I know I have not told you what that is. I’m sorry, but if I did, so much of your life would be different. I really do wish you could figure it out now, at your age. Yes, your life would be easier in some ways, but you would miss so many of life’s struggles and these struggles are what will shape you into a wonderful person that you will become. Unfortunately, these hard times really are necessary.

With so much love and admiration,

… your future self

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Posted in About, Advice, Diary and tagged Being Female, GRS, Internal Transition, Letter to my 8 year old self, MTF, SRS, Transgender, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Months Post-Op

Posted on March 10, 2015 by sifankahale

3/11/2015 Working at the summit

The ‘big’ 6! This is the second milestone of recovery from SRS (4 months, 6 months and 1 year). At 4 months the contractions and nerve re-connections pretty much stopped. Now at 6 months most of the rest of the constant pain has gone away. Whereas before it felt like something very hard was just inside under everything – that has now gone away. Before, there was a constant low level pain – every second. Regardless of what I was or was not doing – I always felt “down there” – constantly. Only when I took pain medicine was it normal – with out pain or a constant swollen feeling.

Now, it’s just occasionally that there is any pain down there. Today I didn’t even use my seat cushion at work – and I worked at the summit (it’s harder when working up there). I’ve graduated to only using my seat cushion if it’s a hard chair. Trust me – that is a lot of progress! I can also sleep at night without having a pillow between my legs to keep them apart.

This all happened the day before my 6 month anniversary. Just like the 4th month anniversary, seems like it took me right up until the day before for things to fall into place – but they did …

I’ve gained about 8 pounds since the operation. Now that I’m feeling better, I’m going to start my walking again. I bought a weighted hula-hoop for exercise too. And oh boy – it’s not so easy to lose weight like it was before. My goal is to drop another 30 lbs over the next year.

It’s been very cold here in Hawaii, especially upcountry here. It’s been down in the 50’s. Now, back when I lived in Minnesota, with furnaces in every house, even at -40 below zero, our house was a nice comfortable 72. But we do not have heaters here. So when it’s 50 degrees outside, it’s ever so slightly warmer inside – like 52 …. That is cold even for Minnesota for inside. And worse: since my operation it’s very easy for me to get a chill. I feel like I’m freezing almost all the time. Life has changed.

I have three wonderful women that I’m privileged to have had as mentors as I transitioned to full womanhood. Lisa of course and two others that I work with at the observatory. One of them now, no longer works there. She is the only one that would wear a dress or a skirt to work. Almost everyone else is in t-shirts and jeans. She was my inspiration for many things, style was one of them. She is also the person that ran interference for me when I first started using the women’s restroom. The other woman at work has also been an inspiration and huge help. I would best describe her as a ‘wild woman’ in the best way – the way we all should aspire too. Lisa on the other hand is my conservative mentor – right down the middle of the other two. She keeps my feet on the ground and everything ‘real’. I’m fortunate to have these three woman around me and mentoring me.

I still see the woman, that left the observatory, for lunch now and then, and just gave her and her sister’s family a tour of our observatory. They had two sons, 5 and 9 I believe. The older son was asking lots of very good questions – I wish everyone that I gave tours to would ask these kinds of questions! But the younger child was getting bored fast. He raised his hand and when I asked what his question was, he stated: “I raised my hand three times …” Oh dear ….

The spring is a busy time for me as I’m preparing and getting ready for some astronomy outreach events. I am giving a demonstration on how we find NEOs (near earth objects – asteroids that are close to the earth’s orbit) using a 3D virtual model of our observatory. The first is for the University of Hawaii’s open house in Manoa (Oahu) and then on the big island for their AstroDays celebration. Later I teach about 320 3rd graders some elementary astronomy. So I’ve been busy polishing up my presentations. I enjoy these!

Soon we will be going back to Brookings to look for houses or lots again. More houses and lots will be coming back on the market with the coming of spring. Lisa is diligently watching and saving those we are interested in. I can’t wait to get back there. That is a magical place – just like Maui is. Like other times in my life, it seems when it’s time to move on, I get behind it and put my energy into it. It’s not that I want to leave, it’s just that I know I must. I am going to miss Maui greatly. I have spent two decades traveling the globe, have lived in a number of places – none I would actually call home, any more than home was where-ever I was. Maui was the first and only place that actually was a home to me – and always will be. This is the only place where the land beneath my feet has a deep connection to my spirit. I chose my surname to honor this: literally “the home”. This is hard, but I embrace this move to Brookings and am investing my future there.

Not sure if I’ll couple a trip back to Minnesota with the next Brookings trip or the one after. But I can not wait to go back and see my two sons, their wives and the four grandsons I have now. And also to see many of my friends and some old friends that have stayed with me. Somehow, now, this is very important to me, this re-connection. I think a lot of this has to do with feeling that, for them, I’m now on the other side of transition. The last time I saw them was when I came out to them at the very beginning of all of this. I know so much more now and am so different from back then (it’s been awhile). I wish I could go back to that time with the knowledge I have now. Now, few will ask, most will quietly attempt to accept and carry on. I wish I would have the opportunity for a full and deep discussion with them – but I truly doubt that a situation would arise to allow it. Advice for others: make it good the first time ….

For the first time I’m seeing scientific and medical papers being published about older transsexuals and the uniqueness of our stories, especially my story. Today, children 4 or 5 years old express their gender truth and because there is enough information out there, parents, schools and society acknowledges them and they never have to live their lives coping with disphoira (it’s getting there – there are still a lot of horror stories). For those older but not my generation, there was enough information, usually hidden, but enough that they knew they were the opposite gender even though they did not know the terms for it or if anyone else was like them or anything else about it. They usually fought it – they became ultra-masculine: top navy seal, football quarterback for a top 10 team, even getting married and having children – as a way to prove to themselves they were what society said they were – men.

But older than that – me for example – there just wasn’t such a thing – nothing and society back then was very strict and fierce. The only option, at least the way I explained it to myself, was that I was different – I was a boy, but I had all these other abilities (which were all feminine – but these all got twisted into somehow being masculine and acceptable). But it really comes down to what we are inside and when that is in direct conflict with society (everything external to us, family, school, friends, relations, etc.) and this conflict is dangerous – then our subconsciousness deploys protection mechanisms.

When I was very young, I had a number of incidents that wound up driving this deep underground. I was also a fast learner and when I saw others in deep trouble, this reinforced my protections. Since there was no way to know or understand what my conflict was all about – part of me simply hid and made up a story – a story that would take 60 more years to unravel (see my beginnings blog for more information). It’s nice to see these research papers basically stating the same – at last.

A number of people (family, spouse, older friends) have mentioned that they never saw this coming. Along the lines of “I just don’t see how you could have hidden this for all these years – I did not see any indications of this in you”. Well, nether did I !! That is a consequence of how we create these protections within ourselves. Ask anyone who has had childhood trauma, for example repeated familial rape. They might even see the perpetrators as benevolent as they have to in order to survive. These protections last a life time and only when things are ‘safe’ and these protections are no longer needed, will cracks start to appear and slowly layers upon layers peal back to reveal what actually happened – and we slowly heal. It took seven years with a therapist and a ‘safe’ environment with Lisa to be able to bring all this out and start to understand. And as I’ve stated before: “As I allowed myself to become more of a woman, I started to notice something. It was more like my maleness was falling away then a femaleness was being attained. I was not becoming more of a woman, rather, like layers of an onion, my maleness was being peeled back. I realized, I’m not becoming a woman – I am a woman.”

It is also of interest that both my ex-wife and my spouse now, have said that what initially attracted them to me were these female ‘sensitivities’ in a male. They both see that it was the woman that I was underneath that was the attraction: “you are not like other men….”. Of course neither see themselves as anything other than heterosexual and would not have even giving me the time of day if I was a woman when we first met. And of course when we first met – I still thought I was a man – only with all these ‘extras’.

These two things have always been difficult for me to explain: why I didn’t have a clearer picture of myself as a girl at an early age and why no one, including myself, understood this or could even see my transsexualness for most of my life. Only in hindsight is all of this clear to me. I hope this post helps to answer this for you. I’m glad to see research covering this as well.

What a journey!

With aloha,

Sifan

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Posted in About, Advice, Diary and tagged Being Female, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Gender Change, GRS, Hormones, hrt, Internal Transition, MTF, SRS, Transgender, Transition, Transition summary, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Months Post-Op

Posted on January 20, 2015 by sifankahale

01/01/2015 At Mama’s Fish House

Progress seems so very slow. Sometimes the only way to measure is by the week and by seemingly small changes. However, when I look back at what I have already gone through and realize what is now in the past – it amazes me.

Probably the largest change and one that I will never forget is getting over the UTI complication and being able to use the restroom like a normal woman. As I’ve stated before – I will NEVER take going to the restroom for granted ever again in my life. Almost every time I do use the restroom – I remember how difficult and painful it used to be and how it seemed like I would be that way forever. This is the single most wonderful achievement other then being anatomically correct now.

With all of that behind me, now it’s the ‘normal’ recovery process for SRS that I face. Of course now that this is front and center it takes over as the number one pain and stress of life and now becomes the next issue that I am waiting to get past. Everything is swollen ‘down there’ – very normal but as I’ve described it before – it felt like a bowling ball between my legs. At night, trying to sleep, I have to keep a pillow between my legs because I cannot put my knees together. But there is progress – it feels like a baseball now. Slow progress….

There is a whole new drama unfolding within the sisterhood that in some ways was expected but perhaps none of us really understood the full ramifications. That is post-op depression. For some it’s huge. For me it’s a slight sidelight hardly worth mentioning. Basically we have spent an inordinate amount of time and energy planning, researching, questioning ourselves and preparing for transition – taking almost every second of our day and occupying our dreams at night. Suddenly, it’s over, done, accomplished – even the dreams stop. This was a large enough subject to warrant it’s own post.

Good news from the sisterhood (those of us that were together at Chonburi for our SRS plus others I know that had surgery with a different clinic around the same time): a number of my sisters have reported that almost overnight, at about this point in time, the swelling suddenly subsided and things looked, felt and became – normal. Well, I still have a baseball and am waiting for that to go away. It is a constant low level pain. I really feel sorry for and sympathize with those that have chronic pain. Wearing anything puts pressure there. Mostly I wear dresses or a skirt, but even panties will sometimes hurt. Usually I can’t wait to get home and lay back, either in my comfy chair (where I can almost lay out flat!) or in bed.

The other good news from the sisterhood is that an increasing number of them have reported going beyond sensate and achieving the ‘big O’! I am certainly sensate – but in no way do I want to go beyond that yet. I’m just way too sore and protective of that area. I can see where, just like I had to relearn how to urinate as that is completely different from a male, that this might be along the same line. I am just hoping that my protectiveness does not complicate this. From the sisterhood I know that I must learn to let go, to relax, trust and open up fully. But this is all for the future – not now.

The granulations that I mentioned in the 3 month post, are still there – I did not have my doctor remove them. I wrote to the clinic (and attached pictures) and they recommended to leave them alone, that they will heal by themselves. They also pointed out that the rawness of the vestibule (center/floor of the inner labia below the clitoris) was actually due to two additional granulations, one of which is about 1/4 inch long – ugh. My doctor agrees: if it’s not causing pain or getting in the way – leave it. These will bleed slightly now and then – but never very much and seems to be less and less. My doctor says she can always remove them later if needed. I cringe either way…

The other really good news is that I only dilate once a day now. Usually that starts at month 6. But I was able to reduce from 3 a day to 2 a day back in month 2, to only once a day now. I’m also dilating with the ‘big’ one now. Before it was only the medium. The important thing is to be able to maintain depth and I have not lost any depth since leaving Chonburi. Like my other sisters, I check every time I dilate and watch trends. I will temporarily lose depth if I’m stressed or was sitting or had a car ride. But I do my dilations just before going to bed. This way I’m relaxed and can douche, wash up and go right to bed. I also do not have any issue in getting to depth. There have been some horror stories out there in the sisterhood of 1 to 2 hours just to get to depth. Usually it only takes about 20 seconds for me. One lesson I have learned – the intruitis and vaginal vault are totally separate from all the other parts down there as far as pain and discomfort are concerned. The outer labia may be swollen and painful, but that has nothing to do with and no connection to dilation. Wheeee – thank you very much!

Like everyone else in the sisterhood, every time we dilate, we all take out our mirrors and a light to meticulously inspect everything down there, watching for anything new or changed or a different color or troublesome, etc. Just like everyone else, I am so careful with hygiene, washing before and after, being careful what I sit on, wiping seats down before I go, being selective where I go, using two different toilet papers for front and back, always wiping to the back and doing the back last. That UTI taught me and others a big lesson…

I haven’t talked about HRT changes since before the surgery – time to catch up a bit. Today is 19 months (slightly more than 1 1/2 years) since I started taking hormones. Of course after the surgery I no longer take testosterone blockers – I’m only on Estrodiol. Recently I have had additional breast growth. Like before, areas of my breasts would get tender, then sore, then hard and then finally turn into growth in that area. My aureoles have finally expanded along with my nipples – I’m looking much more natural now – they have caught up with the rest! That was something that I wondered about – so note to others – this took a year and a half. In fact I ‘show’ too much if all I wear is a shelf bra cami – I have to either wear a bra or use ‘hidden petals’ as they are called. My skin is softer, my bottom is more rounded and the hair growth over most of my body has slowed down and changed. I shave my legs and arms maybe once every two weeks (used to be once a week). I shave my stomach and chest about every other day to every 3rd day (used to be every day). So changes are still happening.

My estrogen levels have suddenly dropped this last month. I see my endocrinologist later this week, so I’ll know more then. They were normal for a younger woman (which is what I need to be at, at this point), now the level is about 1/4 of what it was – still normal for a post-menopausal woman – but not where I need to be just yet! I’m going to ask for a retest. There could be a number of reasons for the drop, including that I missed a day or two taking my hormones, could be where I apply the gel is getting less able to absorb it, could be the test itself or that the lady parts goes through phases where it exudes estrogen.. I’m hoping it’s the latter – just a phase of healing.

My new one piece bathing suit.

Finally after waiting so long, I made it to the beach! I bought a new one piece bathing suit just for this moment. The beaches and the ocean have meant a lot to me and having to abstain from swimming and wading for these three months following surgery was hard. During my recovery in the hospital, swimming in the ocean was one of the things I would think and dream about. That helped me through some of the rough times. Here in Maui, especially on the south shore by Kihei, the water is nice (almost warm) even in the middle of winter. I usually will try to go swimming on Mondays right after finishing electrolysis. I’ll head down to the beach around noon and spend an hour there before heading back up home to get ready for work.

Oh, speaking of the beach – last Sunday I again went to the beach but the waves were in the 5 to 7 foot range. It took me awhile to gather enough courage to go in. Like they say, never put your back to the ocean (except to duck under the wave…). I tried to measure one of them: I was in about 5 1/2 feet of water – just before the wave the water went down to 2 feet and the wave topped my out-stretched arm – I figure about 6 to 7 feet worth of wave. You have to know what you are doing out there – how to duck dive and what to do if you get rolled – which happened when I tried to measure that wave …. Nothing like being in the ‘washing machine’ on spin cycle! The water was grey with sand – and this was 1,000 feet out from the beach. One lesson I learned: lady parts and sand are not a happy combination – for days after! I’ve rinsed out my new bathing suit a number of times and I’m still getting sand out (and same with my lady parts …). Ack!

First time at the beach since my surgery.

My electrologist found a new, better and much more powerful numbing cream. She tried this out on me 3 weeks ago and was able to get at the very sensitive hairs beneath the nose (oh girl those used to be painful). Previously, I had a dentist numb my face directly before going in for a 2 hour electrolysis session. This past Monday I had my second 2 hour session where she used this new cream. She would apply it, cover it, then work on a different area of my face as that area would numb up. She is using topicaine. She says its very important to occlude it. Wow, she can get a lot done this way. I’m seeing a lot of improvements.

Facial hair remains one of the more difficult self-conscientiousness issues. It is difficult for any woman, but especially so for me as I have to stop shaving on Friday and let everything grow out over the weekend so there is enough to ‘grab’ for electrolysis on Monday. This makes going out or doing anything on Saturday and Sundays difficult and embarrassing. Right now, I have a faint 5 oclock shadow in a thin strip above my upper lip. I noticed at work, that a couple of the women there have this as well. So I’m getting there.

For the last month, occasionally I would wake up in the middle of the night (3am ‘ish). I would be very sensitive to everything: weight of the blankets on me, discomfort of my lady parts, refrigerator kicking in, dog barking in the distance, wind rustling the trees, my spouse cuddling me or being too close (normally we cuddle the entire night as we sleep). These would prevent me from going back to sleep. My mind was clear – no issues, nothing bothering me, etc. My doctor gave me a prescriptions for pain, sleep and anxiety pills – none of which I want to use regularly. Finally I found that I could take a Tylenol – it would take 30 mins but I would be able to sleep and more importantly, to be able to cuddle! I’m going to talk to my therapist and doctor more about this. I also posted to the sisterhood to see if anyone else went through something like this.

Jan. 3, 2015 Snow at the summit of Mt. Haleakala

Seems this winter has it’s share of storms. In the beginnings of January we had this ‘small’ storm come across the island of Maui. The information from radar and satellite didn’t concern us at the observatory so no extra precautions were taken. Oh girl – this storm flared up as it hit us and wound up dumping a bunch of snow and ice at the summit. Could have been worse – the big island had blizzard condition on top Mauna Kea. As usual, one of the engineers and I were the ones that had to run up and rescue things the next day. It was freezing cold up there. I had to fall back on my Minnesota experience: dressing in layers, shoveling snow and chopping ice just in order to get into the door of the observatory! I had fun making a snow ball – first time in about 7 years since I had left Minnesota. Next day, I found a little snowman in this same spot. I wound up having to go up to the summit three days in a row before the observatory was back on-line and on-sky. Even now there are 5 remaining non-critical issues that I will have to get back up there to fix (I’ll probably go up this week sometime).

Dec 25, 2014 Christmas dinner at the Makena Beach resort

Lisa and I had a wonderful holiday. I bought a new red dress for Christmas dinner. We went out to the Makena Beach resort. It’s a beautiful resort situated on a beach and overlooking the ocean. Of course we got there a bit before sunset and watched as the sky turned beautiful pastel colors out over the ocean. They have a huge smorgasbord of food from around the world. It was a quite the feast with so many different foods and flavors. It was difficult to choose from as there is no way a person could taste even a small piece of everything and not be wheeled out in a wheelbarrow! Plus we celebrated with a bottle of delicious champagne – what an evening to remember!

For New Years, we went out to another favorite spot here on Maui – Mama’s Fish House. This has got to be one of the best restaurants in Maui – if not all of Hawaii. It’s on a cove on the north shore and is filled with memorabilia and nick-knacks, its architecture a bit eclectic with twisted tree limbs and roots for some walls, ship’s propeller and outrigger canoes as parts of the ceiling! The food is very delicious. This is where we go to celebrate my birthday. Hummm, how do I convince Lisa that we should celebrate my new birthday (the date of my surgery) by going to Mama’s twice ….

01/01/2015 Celebrated New Years at Mama’s Fish House

For the holidays, Mama’s Fish House put up a ‘sandman’ (a snowman would not last very long in the cove with the sea mists blowing over …). So I had to get a picture with the sandman!

Overall, four months out from surgery, I would summarize by saying life is starting to settle into a new rhythm. I am finding out more about myself, my body, as everything meshes and comes together. Looking back, I think the biggest realization occurred right before and directly after surgery when I discovered that my body had disphoria in addition to my head. I had spent all that time ‘in the head’ beforehand – that was very important – but I had missed all the clues from my body. Perhaps being on the right hormones and now finally having SRS, I’m able to listen to my body – to be in touch with it and to love it. Maybe it’s because of the lack of testosterone, perhaps it’s finally being congruent or maybe it’s just being female. Such a difference from before …. such a difference …

With much Aloha,

Sifan

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Posted in About, Advice, Diary, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Surgery and tagged Gender Affirmation Surgery, Gender Change, GRS, Hormones, hrt, Internal Transition, MTF, Post-op, SRS, surgery, Trans-Sisterhood, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Months Post Opt

Posted on December 11, 2014 by sifankahale

Oh this has been a long 3 months…. part of it was the most painful of my life. I’m still quite sore down there but remembering what I went through – this is nothing. See my previous posts for details of the SRS operation, my recovery and painful complications I went through. For the most part the pain had to do with the complications – the UTI, not being able to urinate and extending my bladder. Without that complication this operation and recovery, especially in the first month would hardly rate as discomfort or low level pain. For that I am glad – glad that I didn’t have to deal with anything else over and above the complication.

Normally (with out complications) the first month is pretty easy. It’s the second and third months that are hardest. This is due to a number of factors. First Dr. Suporn’s technique is very ‘accurate’ and true to the female anatomy – his technique is the different from all the rest and results are as they say, the Cadillac of the business. This means there is a lot more surgery and construction underneath/inside and this takes longer to heal. It’s like scare tissue which becomes swollen and hard and progresses from one area to another as it heals. This is one reason we have to dilate, to keep the neo vagina open, soft, and to depth. One of the ‘sisters’ called it “beating the dragon” (I prefer to call it ‘training’ the dragon …). By the way, I call the other women that were there in Chonburi having SRS along with me – ‘sisters’ as we formed an international closeness and constantly keep in touch.

This becomes difficult during the 2nd and 3rd months where most of the healing takes place. It gradually gets easier and for some even pleasurable. For others this period is very hard – even extremely hard. I’ve heard of some that took hours to get to depth – which you have to do before you can start timing your dilation. I was lucky this way – the worst I had was maybe 1 min before I reached depth. It is recommended that we do 3 dilations a day – so you can imagine the pain and agony some have had. I had cut down to 2 a day because I was able to maintain my depth. I feel lucky that way. It was hard for a while and I had a hard time preparing mentally for them. But they gradual became easier, less painful and became routine. I will have to dilate the rest of my life – but the frequency tapers off to once a week after 1 year (3 times a day until month 4, 1 once a day after month 6, then once a week or so after a year – mostly to check depth).

Those are the major milestones as well. After the 3rd month things get easier and we can start doing just about everything (swimming, hiking, long trips, working, baths, some exercise, etc.). Then month 6 is another milestone and 1 year basically marks completion. Ya, one year …. Of course every ‘body’ is different and these are only approximate timings for the majority of people that go through this.

In this next section I’m going to tell it like it is – this could be TMI (too much information) for some, so be warned. However, for those who are going to have surgery, I think this is important to know – I wish I had known this beforehand – not that it would have changed anything – just so I could have been more prepared and aware. Of course this is ‘my’ experience and reading the private accounts of others tells me that I’m in the middle as far as my experience and pain/discomfort is concerned.

By the way: most surgeons or clinics have a private FaceBook page that is only for ‘post’ opts. These are very helpful for us to a) keep in touch b) ask questions c) see how others are doing d) peer into the future to see what to expect. Unfortunately they really do need to be kept only for those that are post-opt or immediately pre-opt. But this information is invaluable if you are going to have surgery. They recommend that once you are invited into their group, that you read back 1 year to get a full understanding of what to expect.

For me, right now, I’m going through multiple phases where ‘things get tight’ down there. First a very hard ball (size of a marble) formed just above everything (up by the pubic bone). I had to stay in bed for a couple of days with nothing on down there (as everything, even the weight of the bad sheet, hurt). This gradually ‘morphed’ down along both sides of the frenulum, basically tightening that entire area up (it was all swollen, so this is actually ok, just a bit painful). Now the same sort of thing is happening starting at the tops of the outer labia and working down. Which is also good because my outer labia is huge (swollen) making it difficult at times to close my legs, especially when I want to sleep on my side at night – I have to place a hard thick pillow between my legs.

I still can not sit without using the infamous seat cushion although it is getting better. I forgot it once and was able to carefully sit on a hard chair for about 10 mins. However, if I do too much, like a long car ride or sitting too long at work, or like one day I had to go up to the summit to work – the next day I wind up in bed, legs spread apart and nothing on to let it heal. Sometime I have to take pain meds – sometimes I’ll take a pain pill before I need to do something (like a long ride) where I know it’s going to be hard. At times, it feels like a bowling ball down there between my legs – and I walk like I’ve been riding a horse for hours. My panties feel like they are crushing me during those times and I can’t wait to get home and lay down in bed and allow my bottom to ease up. These times seem to coincide with the ‘tightening’ phases I mentioned above. So I’ll be ok, even ‘great’ for a few days and then another one of these ‘phases’ kicks in and I have to take it easy, stay home and sometime stay in bed. But these ‘seem’ to be getting less as time goes on – progress is being made (although soooo slowly it seems).

I saw my GP doctor today – another checkup. My UA came back ambiguous – but at least it didn’t have the bacteria (e-coli) that caused all the pain and agony before. I sent a question off to the clinic regarding this and they said (and my doctor agrees) that if none of the symptoms are present than all is ok. There are high levels of something I don’t remember what, but those can also be do to the SRS surgery. So we are leaving things alone unless symptoms come back. That is good news!

I’ve been having bleeding (very minor) about once a week, all coming from the same spot (at the bottom inside where the major and minor labia come together on the left side). The doctor examined that in more detail and found it was the equivalent of a ‘skin tag’ – an 8th in long growth protruding out. This can happen as internal ‘sacs’ sometimes comes out through the skin (the labia are created with many layers of internal stitching and sometimes as these heal one of these small sacs can pop out). So the middle of January I go back and will have it removed (plenty of local anesthesia ….!). I’m relieved to know that is all it is.

Other than that, everything looks and operates correctly now. There is sensation is all the correct places. Still sore so I’m very careful with my new parts. A number of the ‘sisters’ that had SRS the same time as me are now reporting they had their first umm, “The Big O’ …. For me, the surrounding areas down there are still too sore for me to even contemplate that …. Put it this way, I still cringe when I see another woman riding a bike or motorcycle. Maybe someday I’ll be able to do that but right now I have that automatic ‘pain’ – same as when someone talks about getting a flu shot – you automatically feel pain in your arm … or when someone talks about going to the dentist … ya … that kind of thing: my bottom immediately goes into panic mode!

So today is the 11th, my 3 month celebration as finally being the true authentic me. I can not tell you how absolutely wonderful it is. First you have to understand the shear disphoria that was before – I’m not sure I have words to describe that horror – the pain of my complications can not come close to the lifelong battle I have gone through attempting to live in the opposite gender. Now I am free to ‘be’, to express myself and to live as who I always was. It is a fantastic and welcome change.

It just struck me – theoretically I am finished with transition! I say theoretically because I could argue both sides of that. Some transsexuals go stealth now that they are fully a woman, truly marking this as the end of transition and simply blend into society as women. Even though this is a completion – on so many levels – I feel that it is important, especially today, to be visible to some degree. The more society sees that transsexuals are ‘normal’ people, involved in normal or credible vocations or even honored/esteemed positions, the better it is going to be for those that follow. The more professionals like myself that come out, the more that society will start seeing us as part and parcel of the human condition. Just like red hair or blue eyes, transsexuals are but one more variation of the human condition. There is a balance of course – this can be and has been deadly (we just honored those murdered on Nov 20th – TDOR – Transgender Day of Remembrance). I am cautious: I do not proclaim who/what I am to just anyone – but I am an advocate and will do what I can to help achieve parity for everyone.

With much Aloha,

Sifan

PS: I’m hoping to swim in the ocean this weekend – I have missed that soooo much ….

2 Comments

Posted in About, Advice, Diary, Gender Affirmation Surgery, Surgery and tagged Gender Affirmation Surgery, Gender Change, MTF, Post-Opt, SRS, Suporn, surgery, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual. Bookmark the permalink.

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I had to pay for my Vagina
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