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Month 4 Summary

Posted on September 29, 2013 by sifankahale

Sifan 20130912Wow, starting my 5th month already, it seems to be going faster and picking up speed …  I’m even reminiscing with my partner about how hesitant and timid I was when I first started.  How difficult it was for me in public and how I worried about everything and everyone.  Not that I’m completely over that now, but I have come a very long way.

One turning point was when I suddenly realized that I looked more like a woman that has ‘manly’ features than a man trying to be a woman.  This mostly came about as there were a number of times when a sales clerk would look at me sympathetically.  There were other situations as well.  All in all, mentally, for myself, it put me much more at ease knowing this.  Since then I have been much more comfortable and secure in public.  I have been shopping and walking and just being in public more often and without my security blanket (my partner).

I have started noticing guys, watching them a bit and realizing what they are doing or responding to and how they are.  And I realize: I never was one.  I also see and understand clearly the facade I was putting on and the how hard I was acting in order to pass as a man back then.  But more importantly I am so happy to not have to do that anymore.  Plus it also reconfirms who I am and that I’m finally on the path to be ‘me’.  I feel so relieved, such a weight lifted – I can now just express myself freely – not afraid to giggle when I need to giggle!  I’ll write a post detailing what I mean by maleness or at least what facade I see that I was wearing – if I can figure out how to express that in words (I need to translate my feelings at those times into words, for this, it might be difficult).

The first huge event this last month was flying to southern California to visit my partner’s brother.  The airline tickets were purchased long before I had my name changed and getting that resolved was interesting and wonderful.  I had to go into the airport to the counter for that airline to present my documents.  But because they are only open when a flight is departing, I had come back a few times.  When I did, I was helped by one of the managers.  At first, she was going to charge me for the name change and since it’s a different name I was also going to be charged for a flight change (didn’t quite get the logic of that)!  A number of calls to their HQ and finally she got the tickets changed to my new name plus their records changed to my new gender as well.  Finally after we finished (she could see how stressed I was with all of this), she congratulated me on my change and wished me well, but then came over the counter and gave me a hug (and she did not charge me at all)!

Going through security at the gate was no problem.  After being scanned I was waved over to an inspector (a female!) and she said “you are good to go ma’mm, have a great flight” – I was beaming ear to ear with the ma’mm!  Once in California, we met up with my partner’s two brothers and one sister in law (wife of one of the brothers).  They all accepted me from the start (we knew each other for a long time already, but they have not seen me since I started transition).  It was ‘classic’:  they held doors open for me, let me go in first, the guys talked to each other and we women talked among ourselves.  They would tell stories and try to top each others stories – typical.  I had no inclination to tell any stories or join in on their manly pursuits.  More interestingly, as I said above, I recognized these ‘traits’ and I felt so good not to have to join, or be expected to be a part of that ‘maleness’ – instead, it felt so natural to be in a group of women and expressing myself openly and freely and being accepted.

The Institute for Astronomy where I work was planning for their annual open house.  We all volunteer.  At the planning meeting one of the women in my department told about a wonderful presentation I had put together and basically ‘volunteered’ me to give one of the talks.  Ummm ….. I’ve been on HRT for 3.5 months, went 100% femme just 2 months ago, had not really practiced my voice that much yet …..  this was both daunting and a challenge.  The coordinator came up to me afterwards (he knew this was going to be a challenge for me) and asked if I really wanted to do this.  I told him this would be a good goal for me to attempt.  Oh girl —- it was challenging…..

I had researched voice lessons and had downloaded a few and tried them.  But the one I finally settled on (it cost about US$ 130) was:  http://30daycrashcourse.com/  It has excellent instructions and guide/practice videos.  It steps through one week at a time.  Its uses a spectrogram (can download free ones for your computer) that allow you to visually see your tones and resonance.  It is also structured to bring your voice along at a pace that will both be comfortable (and prevent you from stressing) and also to train and retain the ‘muscle’ memory of speaking with the proper tone and resonance.  Now, I still have a ways to go, but this really helped.

The big day finally arrived – I was so nervous and stressed.  The people at work expected that and helped me both physically and supported me emotionally.  My Maui-sista (a woman I work with that has taken me under her wing as a sister) was selected to do all the introductions for the talks.  It was so comforting to have her up there introducing me and being there as I started.  We had about 50 people from the area show up for the talk.  It was also broadcast to the web where about 100 people from around the world had tuned in.  I gave a talk on what/how the observers use the telescope.  I used a 3D simulated model of the observatory in a virtual world where I took my avatar and walked them through a tour of the facility, then went through all of the actions the observers do.

It went great!  This was my first time ‘massively’ in public and speaking as well.  A number of the professors came up after and congratulated me both on the talk but also on achieving this milestone.  I also heard from a number of people that watched this on the web.  Here is a link to the video.

After the open house, three college students came back to where I was and sort of milled around a bit, not really saying anything but just hanging around.  Once everyone else left, one of them asked “so what made you change”?  I was not sure where this was going and everyone else had left …  I had met one of the guys before and knew him to be a nice person, so I answered.  Turns out, all three identify themselves as ‘gender questioning’.  One was definitely square in the gender middle, the other two more transsexual like myself.  Later I noticed that the guy I knew from before had toe nail polish on!  Wish I would have seen that to begin with – it was have eased my anxiety a tad …  We had a wonderful talk – I was about 1.5 hours late getting home that night.  It was wonderful, for all four of us, to have met and had this conversation and possibly future support.  You just never know … perhaps I’m now a role model !

As for physical changes:  My breasts are continuing to blossom … about every other day I get sore and they fill out a little bit more each time.  I’m noticing some of my hairs are white and soft – not enough though and I still have to shave ‘everything’.  The laser treatment on my face has helped a lot – I have to shave about every other day and if I forget, it’s not really that bad.  My partner noticed that my cheekbones are getting more prominent and my face is starting to change.  My bottom is getting a bit more rounded but the measurements don’t really show anything except my breasts.

I finally got my ears pierced  – they did both at the same time – two women, one on each ear – 1, 2, 3, pop and it was over.  I would not describe it as painful at all.  Of course I was promised chocolate truffles after and I do admit that had a major effect on ‘pain management’.  My partner is doing my hair every morning – she loves my hair and wishes hers was fine and manageable like mine.  She also does my eye brows, shaping and coloring them.

I’ve pretty much filled out my wardrobe.  I have plenty of options for work, around the house and for  going out – both casual and more up scale.  Now I need some ‘dirty’ clothes:  ones for working in the yard, on the car, or when I have to go up to the summit and work at the observatory.

This next month we are eagerly awaiting the results of a special legislative session to address marriage equality here in Hawaii.  We are hoping it will pass as we are planning on being married next May.  It is so exciting to be a bride!

With much Aloha,

Sifan

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Being ‘me’

Posted on September 29, 2013 by sifankahale

man-womanJust today, my partner wanted to talk – she felt conflicted.  She felt that she had to ‘be a man’ for me – to allow me to feel more like a woman.  But that this was depriving her of feeling like a woman.  I think this really underscores the importance of open communications and checking one’s assumptions – often.

I explained that I am not looking for, nor want a man or the influence of a man.  If one has to use a label, then I would be dead center lesbian – I don’t want a man or someone being ‘manly’.  Plus, I am in love with her – all of her – ‘her’ traits – emotions – body/soul – everything.  I don’t want nor expect her to change, especially for me to feel more as a woman.  I want to feel – like ‘me’ – no facade – free to express myself and act myself.  That just happens to match what society calls or labels as a ‘woman’.

I think we need to just drop the male/female labels and not get hung up that being a certain way or having a certain trait means we are more masculine or feminine because of it.  Helen Boyd’s “She’s not the man I married” goes into this in exquisite depth.  Forget about labels – there are far more exceptions then any cohesiveness to them.  Going through a transition, especially before starting one, we want to be everything female, somewhat blinding ourselves to our own reality.

I think this is necessary:  old Chinese proverb:  “the student must reject the mentor in order to excel and move forward”.  I think we first have to reject maleness and embrace what we see as total femininity to make those first steps, to clearly define what is and what is not.  This allows us to break the life long facade we held up and to identify it as such and see it clearly.

However,  this is an extreme – the pendulum is far over to one side, opposite of where is was – the extreme other side.  At some point it is imperative to center it, to center ourselves, to become not some idealized non-existent reality that no natal woman can even achieve, but to come back to ourselves – to explore and find who we are and then be that.

After all, that is what started this journey: we were not who we authentically ‘are’ and needed to change.   Now, if that means you are good at and enjoy car mechanics before, then do that now!  That was part of you.  Forget the labels, forget that’s a ‘masculine’ trait – its just a trait, a capability.  (By the way, one of the best mechanics here on this island is a natal woman ….. )

So, my partner and I have come to an agreement and understanding – we both just want to be ourselves – so let’s just do that.  She was missing the male that I used to be, but upon further exploration, she saw that those traits and capabilities were still there.  She wants to be the woman she is – and that is exactly who I fell in love with and need the most especially as I go through this transition and also through the rest of my life.

So, this journey is about being the authentic ‘me’ – not the facade I put on before.  Society best describes the summation of ‘me’ as a woman – and that is what I am.  But more than that or any labels – I am simply ….. me !!

With much Aloha,

Sifan

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Restroom issues – revisited

Posted on September 5, 2013 by sifankahale

port-a-pottyWell, there was one woman at work that was on vacation when the original restroom issue was addressed and just now came back to work.  In my  previous post, I mentioned that there was a different woman that originally was ok with my usage of the restroom but then suddenly changed her mind and asked management to change the restroom to a unisex with a lock.  That resulted in management not only refusing (it would have been against the law actually) but they hand delivered (and posted) a pamphlet from Lambda Legal regarding a transsexual’s rights.  Well we had speculated that since these two were women were good friends  – that this was the reason for her ‘turn-about’.

Sure enough, the first day the ‘vacation lady’ came back, she talked to one of the woman in my department in the hallway – apparently trying to get all the other women behind her efforts to not have me use the woman’s restroom. She started by saying how ‘uncomfortable’ she was knowing I might be there.  My friend stopped her and pointed out the ‘LAW’ and the Lambda Legal brief on the bulletin board. Then ‘vacation lady’ said “well, I’m going to talk to management then” !!

So she went up to management and told him that she was uncomfortable with me using the woman’s restroom and that they should do something ‘special’ for me. He told her that was against the law, they are not allowed to single out trans-anything for special treatment. He also told her that it was within the law to make all employees ‘comfortable’ with restroom usage and that he could rent a port-a-potty ‘FOR HER’ to use out in the parking lot if she wished. She declined  …..

Glad I have this kind of support,

Sifan

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Using the Woman’s Restroom

Posted on August 25, 2013 by sifankahale

Of course a major issue for a transsexual is which restroom to use and when to start or switch to using it.  For me this issue ranked up there along with ‘pass-ability’ in my decision as to when to start living full time as a woman (starting my RLE – real life experience).  And this is an especially important issue to be addressed and solved at the workplace where we spend most of our day!

There comes a point where we have progressed in our transition (hormone treatment) that we can no longer effectively hide our ‘blossoming’ changes and it becomes harder and more difficult to continue using the restroom we had been using but at the same time we are not passable enough to use the restroom of our target gender.  What a conundrum!

Let me explain my situation first, as this is a bit unique.  A number of events all came together to make this a bit easier for me than what one would normally expect.  As they say, your mileage will vary, but some of what transpired here may be of use to others that are transitioning…

I’m just starting my 4th month on HRT and my body has changed beyond where I can effectively ‘hide’ it.  The best way to describe the situation at work is to say I am in a department that is somewhat out of place in the building where we are located – meaning we are a bit isolated.  I had come out to everyone in my department about 1/2 year ago – but not to others in the building as there is little interaction.    That all changed, as recently we had an all building ‘sensitivity’ training during which I was asked to explain the difference between gender and birth sex, gender presentation and sexual orientation (this was planned….).  This of course effectively ‘outed’ me and of course that is what I wanted and was the perfect setting (sexual harassment and workplace violence training – with our top lawyers giving the training).

At this same time my name change and gender change documents came through (see “Getting Legal“).  I am now officially named and have a gender of female in my state, my drivers license, social security and at my employment and my bank.

All of these events came together: progressing to a point where I needed to present as a woman full time, fully out to everyone in my department and to everyone in the building, the decision to start my RLE and all my documentation is changed – name and gender.

What was left to resolve was the restroom issue!  I was counseled to find a way to manage this independently as our HR is on another island.  So a couple of the women from my department went around and talked to each women in the building individually, specifically regarding the restroom.  I had talked to the different managers at our site to make sure this was ok.  I would then go around and say hi to each person and make sure they were ok.  All was well ….  This was about 2 or 3 weeks ago.

Then last week, one of the women, who is there only part time and usually during the morning when I’m not there, went to one of the managers and requested that the upstairs woman’s restroom be converted to ‘unisex’ with a lock.  Last Thursday was the first chance I had to say hi to her and she politely told me she requested this and gave me the following reasons:

– if we didn’t know you ‘from before’ …..

– you (meaning I) might feel uncomfortable if a woman in the next stall is having a period ….

– during public events outside people might be uncomfortable

For one, I’m an elder person – I know/have seen/been there – and how ‘dare’ she speak for me and what I might be uncomfortable with.  As far as outside woman using our facilities, I am 100 % presenting now and using public restrooms where ever I am.  As for knowing ‘who I am before’ – exactly when do you ‘not know’ and it becomes ok?  And finally as for converting that restroom to a ‘unisex’ with a lock – not only is that an inconvenience to others here, but in one way it’s sort of a slap on my face – a denial of who I am.  Furthermore, my documentation now states I’m female, I have started my RLE and it would be even stranger if I were to use the men’s room at this point!

Well, independently and unknown to me, the managers she went to, consulted with their higher authorities and came up with a brochure from Lambda Legal regarding a transsexual’s restroom rights and not only posted it on the main bulletin board but hand delivered a copy to this woman!

Now, my recommendation based on all this, is not to handle this internally, no matter what the situation is with your HR.  But to ask/demand that HR put out something official stating their policies.  Now, I do admit, I work for the state and there are policies that cover this and protect me – so you need to find that out for where you work first.  But after that – this is HR’s job, not mine or yours.  I am very grateful to the women who stood up for me, that fought for me and for the managers for taking action when they needed to.

20130812_112007

I’ll close with a cute story and an explanation of the accompanying image.   Back a few weeks ago when I first started my RLE we went down to the federal building to change my social security name and gender.  We parked in their garage and took the elevator up.  When we got out my partner asked if I had to use the restroom – not expecting what she was up to I said yes.  Then before I knew what was happened, she grabbed my hand and yanked me into the woman’s restroom which I had not noticed that we were standing in front of!  This was my first use of a public woman’s restroom…  It gets better:  we are using the stalls next to each other and she moves her foot over to touch mine – under the partition.  We played footsie in the woman’s bathroom stalls !  The she asks if I have my cell phone camera and states it would be great to have a picture of this.  It gets worse:  just as I take the picture, there is a sound as if someone else entered the restroom – then my phone decides it wants to use the ‘flash’ – ack !  So now I’m facing the situation where this is the first time in a public woman’s restroom, someone else might have just come in there, and I just took a ‘flash’ picture —- in the restroom.   Geeeesh.  Well, no one else was in there except us (must have been some building kind of noise) and here is the picture to prove it !

With much aloha,

Sifan

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Month 3 Summary

Posted on August 25, 2013 by sifankahale

This was my most significant month so far as changes go.  So much occurred this last month!

Sifan 20130816

The largest change was starting my RLE (Real Life Experience) – living full time, everywhere as a woman.  The event that triggered this was picking up my partner when she returned home (see my post “A daring surprise for my partner“).  Having my eye brows shaped and my hair styled not only allowed me to more clearly see how I have evolved physically and could finally ‘see’ the woman in me starting to bloom on the outside, but it also gave me the confidence to go full time.

This coupled with the sensitivity training at work (see “The Girl Card” where I was asked to explain transgender terms to our entire staff) gave me the opportunity to fully come out to the rest of the people at work.  This of course led to the “Use the woman’s restrooms” post.  Another major ordeal was “getting legal“.  I’ve been busy posting this month too!

I had planned to start my RLE in November as that would have been 6 months HRT and from the research I had done, that seemed like the proper time for a lot of the physical changes to have occurred and theory was I would be more passable.

However, I did not count on these changes happening sooner.  So much so that I had somewhat the opposite problem:  I could not hide the changes that were occurring!  My hair is longer, my breasts are larger (they show even if I bind them) and my face and body shape are changing as well.   When I had my brows shaped and my hair styled – poof – I was over the edge.

Granted – I do not consider myself ‘passing’:  my hair has a long way to go, my face is better – very little black hair left because of laser (but now I can see the little white hairs) and I have a long way to go with voice training.  I am getting a lot of hugs and well wishes, as I mentioned in the “getting legal” post.

So, I’m 100% living as myself – a woman.  The change in my day to day feelings and my interactions with others, especially at work, are wonderful.  I’m able to let go of the male facade and just be.  It might seem silly, especially to someone that does not have gender issues and it’s hard to explain, but the type of freedom and exuberance I feel is so great.  It has to do both with me internally, but also with society and how I’m seen and for the most part accepted.  To authentically be one’s self and to be seen and treated as such (and in a number of my relations – to be admired for taking these step) is an awesome thing.  I am very happy and content that I undertook this and have come this far with so many wonderful people around me.

Ok, now for the details on what has changed in this last month – I’ll break this down into external and internal this time:

Externally there have been a number of significant changes.  Most obvious are my breasts.  One of the signs they are growing is that the tube dress I like (has optional straps) I can wear without the straps now – it stays up just fine.  But they are hurting as they grow (ummm more like soreness – not a really bad kind of hurting).  I will get spots that become sore and a day later I’m larger there.  I started on the outsides, then they grew above the nipples, then on the insides (I have cleavage now), and then on the bottoms.  Then they were very sore directly under the nipples.  Each starts with a hardness, almost a lump (got me worried – but my doctor said it was ok and expected) that was sore and that slowly softened over a few hours and by the next day I was larger in that area.  Right now I have this hardness deep under each nipple and this is the sorest I’ve been so far.

Another big change regarding my breasts are their – ummm, how to say this politely …., they are ‘stimulatable’ … as my partner aptly proved one day – I darn near levitated ….  I had no sensations there before, so this is a big and obvious change (obvious to me…).

I’ve been losing weight and that plus the effects of hormones are having an effect.  My tummy is flatter and my bottom is ever so slightly filling out resulting in the appearance of some small but noticeable curves.  My woman’s jeans and pants are fitting very nicely now and some tops are able to emphasize those curves!

My face is starting to change as well.  I can just notice a difference from before.  It is losing its hard masculine features and everything is getting much softer.

Shaving:  legs and arms I shave about once a week, tummy and chest about every two day and I shave my face about every two days as well – more often depending on what I’m doing that day.

I’m not using cosmetics except for filling in my eye brows, coloring the slight grey/silver hair in two small spots by my ears and sometimes I’ll wear lipstick.  Daily I will blow dry my hair in such a way to give it lift, style it a bit and set it with hair spray.

Internally this is the first month where I have noticed any changes and ummmm, others have too.  I was always over reactingautomatically accommodating – to a fault.  Since my problems coming out to my oldest son, I have eased up on that quite a bit.  I no longer accommodate but now will openly question situations.  My partner used the word ‘bitchy’ at one point and ‘your hormones are acting up’, but then explaining that I’m being more sensitive and at some times ‘touchy’, reacting more strongly than the situation would seem to warrant – and then she added: “like a woman having her period”!    Others at work have been more diplomatic but basically said that more often I’m discussing things, being more assertive, questioning more and not being overly accommodating as I used to be.

The other internal change is harder to quantify.  Before I could sense when I felt ‘male’ or did a ‘male’ type of thing.  That has completely gone away.  I suppose it’s one of those things that are best seen – perhaps only seen – with hind sight.  All I can say is that testosterone, like estrogen, is a very very powerful agent.  I’m not sure which of these or all of these internal changes are due to what, but I can definitely say it is such a huge relief being done with testosterone (more accurately:  being on a low to normal female level).  I’m having a hard time trying to find the words to describe this.  It’s like there is no longer this need or drive to be alpha, to know everything, to solve everything or to be the one everyone looks to.  I now feel like I can rest in my true nature – a supporter, a friend, a confidant and a nurturer.  I love being protected, being taken care of, having someone hold the door open for me and just the smiles and hugs of companionship with other women.  In one way, it is so much a load off my shoulders and in another it is just so wonderful to be accepted for who I am – my real authentic self.

With much aloha,

Sifan

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The ‘Girl’ Card

Posted on July 31, 2013 by sifankahale

vector-card-girl8A lot of people going through transition will at some point experience what has been called “getting the ‘girl’ card” (MtF).  This is that magic moment when the friends around you (usually women) display some sort of public acknowledgement and acceptance of you as a woman.   This happens more than just once of course, but it’s that first time that is very special and memorable.

This happened in a big way for me today:  we had an all hands meeting where the lawyers from UH came to give us training in sexual harassment and work place violence.  About half a year ago I had requested they include something about transsexualism and was asked to write a couple of slides (Click this tab to see those slides).  But because this training was to address problems in the workplace they decided keep the focus to the current issues.

Just before we started, the presenter that I had been in correspondence with, recognized me and we had a huge hug!  She then quickly showed me that she did incorporate some points from my slides into her presentation.  About 1/4 of the way through the training, she purposefully asked the ‘audience’ if anyone knew the difference between birth sex and gender and what gender presentation and expression meant.  She told me later she had asked that just so I could answer!  Wow!

All the women from my department (plus a few others) sat all around me (they did that on purpose – they knew I had submitted those slides for this presentation).  So after I had answered her questions – suddenly there were 4 or 5 people all patting me (on my back, my arms) – just absolutely awesome.  What support and caring – not just for patting me but for purposefully sitting all around me.  Afterwords, the presenter mentioned the awesome support she witnessed by those around me.

Then later in the training, the woman behind me was picking something off my back (a hair or something).  When I turned around and smiled and thanked her – the other woman next to her said “oh, we were just snapping your bra” (this was in the crowded training room)!!  Both are woman I work closely with (one is my ‘sister’ that helps me with womanly issues that I face while transitioning).  Afterwords, I told another woman that I work closely with about the bra snapping and she said “oh, turn around let me see” – and then ‘she’ snapped my bra too!!

That – is what I call being given ‘the girl card’ …..

And:  the ‘alpha’ male in our group came up to me and politely asked which personal pronouns I would prefer and that he would try hard and please forgive any lapse he might make.

Plus:  the overall manager in charge of everyone on this site came up to me just before this meeting and asked what name I should now be called.

Ecstatically in tears,

Sifan

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Explaining MtF for the Cis-Female

Posted on July 6, 2013 by sifankahale

urlJust listened to a great interview with Lieutenant Colonel Cate McGregor on the Australian show One Plus One, in which she describes coming out as a transgender female.

In the quote below (link is below as well – this piece is at 14:50), she explains being a transsexual woman to the host.  She addresses one of the conundrums a natal woman has with understanding this.  This is something I have struggled to explain properly to many of my woman friends that I have come out to and is something I addressed in previous posts here on my blog site as well – although not nearly as eloquently as Cate does.

Umm, a quick refresher: “natal female” refers to someone who’s birth sex is female, “cis-female” refers to someone who is both a natal female and has a gender of female.  I am a transsexual: I’m a natal male with a gender of female – I’m not cis, I’m trans.

I hope this will help a cis-woman understand and grasp a transgender woman. For me the main point is the congruence of having one’s self being consistent:  mind/body/soul.

Cate’s outlook does resonate strongly with me.  Making it through mid-life (well for me a ‘wee’ bit past that), “before the intense need to live authentically.”  It’s great to hear someone else in the same situation but who has a wonderful tack for expressing this.

Cate’s addressing of authenticity of course riles some of the transsexual community:  “I don’t consider myself a woman, I’m transgendered”.  But in coming out to a fair number of the cis-women in my life, this was one of the issues almost always raised.  I like how Cate addressed this – “of course I do not have nor will have all the experiences of a natal woman” – but the main point is – that is ‘not’ the point!  The point is that she is congruent  – mind/soul/physical body, as she said “transition brought the reward of feeling that I was me at last”.

As my partner so aptly stated, for a cis-female, this addresses and I think answers or perhaps makes clear a basic conundrum, as it most certainly has for my cis-female partner.  As she puts it, being a woman is like a rainbow, there are all types – you can not tell where the red ends and the orange begins …  She does not think womanhood is divvied up into separate groups.

To say that you are natal/cis/trans is just a description, not a division, we are all women.  Like I stated in my other posts here – it’s equivalent to having red hair, it’s a description of part of the broad range of the human experience.  I’ve heard religious zealots declare a woman is someone who can give birth – excuse me – so females that are postmenopausal are not women?  Time for reality.

This is Cate’s quote from One Plus One: Lieutenant Colonel Cate McGregor:

“The grammar for transgendered feelings just does not exist. It’s incredibly difficult to explain what it feels like to be boiling over with the sense of being trapped in the wrong body and identity.

“There is a feeling that you are in a straight jacket, an unfolding nightmare.  I was sleepless for months on end, I was experiencing nightly panic attacks. I couldn’t see a way forward that offered any level of contentment.  It was a nightmare and ya, at some point I wondered how much more of it I could have endured frankly. It seems like a dimm memory now, it’s really interesting that once I actually surrendered to this and decided that I would do what I’m doing, I felt a real calm.  And as I’ve transitioned and been able to express myself as female, I have felt a baseline level of contentment that nothing can rob me of.

“I also need to put a caveat on this too, that I don’t consider myself a woman, I’m transgendered.  I’m living as a woman and that’s a capital AS, upper case AS.  I have to express myself as female – I have no other way of existing that feels authentic to me.  I haven’t been gendered the way other women have been gendered.   I’ve not lived with the constant threat of physical violence, I can’t bear children and there are women who can’t as well.  There is a whole range of experiences that I shall never have.  But, as a trans male to female woman I’m in a highly delineated group, so I don’t consider myself a woman in the sense you are.  But for me, it’s an expressive aspect that I need to live as female and I guess that is a long winded way of saying the transition brought the reward of feeling that I was me at last – whatever form that is.”

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Where I am – April 2013

Posted on April 4, 2013 by sifankahale

sifanHere I am, just starting my first blog!  Let me say a little about where I am in this transition.  My next post will describe a bit more of who I am.

As of this post, I have more than completed the required 90 day WPATH requirement to begin hormone treatment.  I expect HRT (hormone replacement treatment) to start on May 22.  Another requirement is to live fully as a woman for 1 year before GRS (gender reassignment surgery).  For the last year I have been fully immersed as a woman at home, Dr. appointments and at the transsexual support group.  I plan to wait until the HRT has enough of an effect (about 6 months) before coming out full-time to the world.

All my friends and the people I work with know about this.  However, especially at work, this will give them a 6 month period of time to gradually get used to my transition.

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