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I am Sifan’s Sweetheart: A Significant Other Speaks

What follows is a guest post from my kealoha (my beloved):

LKH 2I am Sifan’s Sweetheart. No big thing to almost anyone but us. What makes it newsworthy (if it is) is that Sifan was born female with a male body, and it is that male body that I met and thought was part and parcel of the entire package when we fell in love. I was wrong. Sifan is transsexual. The male body is disappearing and will eventually be surgically corrected into the female body that she so wants to have.

I am female physically, emotionally, psychically. I am heterosexual and I will be marrying Sifan, who considers herself to be lesbian, in the spring. We will both be wearing dresses, hers probably a tad more flouncy than mine as I am a big fan of simplicity in clothing. She will still have parts of the male body present; corrective surgery is not scheduled until next summer or fall. I care not a bit. Here’s why:

I fell in love with a human being whose name used to be Stephen and, while I knew there was a lot of what I called at the time “female traits”, was someone I considered to be fully male in all the ways that counted. I thought of Stephen as a man and was happy in that.

Imagine the surprise when Sifan explained last January that there was no longer a way to continue presenting in life as a man when in fact she was, in all the ways that matter other than the body, a woman. This news was explosive. I was angry, confused, hurt and fearful. And I did not know if I could get past it.

The biggest issue: could I stay with this person? Could I live with a male body that would transition via hormone therapy and eventual surgical correction of the genitals? And later with the female-in-every-way person? Could I still love this person? How? How long? How deeply? It was an extremely challenging time as I wrestled with these huge questions. In the end it was simplicity itself that triggered resolution.

I saw that there was really only a single fork in the road. I had to decide if I wanted to live with or without my beloved, for Sifan was exactly that. I also saw that she was not going to be able to move forward living the lie of being masculine. This situation would not change. As I stared for weeks at these- live with, live without- the truth of my love for this human being slowly solidified. I loved her regardless of body gender, physical appearance, genital configurations, voice frequency, length of hair and style of clothing. In short, I loved a human being, not a man, not a woman. A real live wonderful amazing person named Sifan. I could never willingly give her up.

Once seen, this decision was easy and stress-free. I made my choice, have not looked back and cannot even imagine its revocation. I feel blessed and honored to be in lifelong partnership and love with this courageous and beautiful one. I am shocked, sometimes, to realize that not everyone in the world envies me this relationship, as I feel so much gratitude and appreciation for it. She truly is my beloved. In the early days of our relationship I was unable to control my heart. Now I am unwilling.

Some who are aware of these changes have felt uncomfortable or even rejecting of them and of us. Some are very open and supportive. Yet I care not what anyone thinks of this, be it pro or con. I am clear that this is nothing if not an intensely personal decision made by the two of us and fundamentally involves no one but ourselves. Like it, hate it or be somewhere in between. Not my business what you think.

I see now that to imagine that there are but two classifications for gender is unconscious ignorance. I have come to understand that we are none of us wholly female or male; we are a soup of qualities, we are gender goulash.

I have looked closely and find that there are no inherent female traits nor male ones. What exists are simply traits; characteristics, qualities, behaviors, sensations, thoughts and feelings that are evaluated in relation to the gender of the body and then called masculine or feminine. To call my love of balancing the budget and planning a financial future a masculine quality is absurd. To say that my tender response to a hurt animal or my willingness to feel and express my emotions is more female than male is ludicrous. I like beer, hate to cook, don’t want to ever wear high heels and have never been a follower. I also love lipstick, plucking my eyebrows just so and admiring male and female bodies alike. These things are human, they are me, they are gender neutral. They just appear as I walk around in my daily life. So it is for us all.

Only when a label is applied might it seem that the particular and specific ways we show up belong in one category or another. A more focused look reveals that these behaviors and interior workings are only what they are and that the labels are what they are not. If I am considered a woman because of my genitals and breasts, curves and hormone levels then it is but my body that is such. Were my psyche male I would be something other than what that body seems to dictate. So would we all.

This to me is a cause for celebration for it opens the door to removing many of the barriers that bind us within and without. We are tremendously more free and diverse and deep than we ever knew. Hallelujah! Life is just wide open.

I continue to walk happily down the street holding Sifan’s hand and feeling nothing other than rightness and contentment. We are deeply connected and are constantly aware of that fact. Bodily and hormone changes cannot possibly endanger this. We are blessed.

We are love, as is everyone.

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About sifankahale

Aloha ! This is a difficult (very personal and scary) thing for me to share. I have seen and read many other accounts of people who have transitioned – those have helped me immensely. But we are all unique, and my journey does not seem to fit others. So, in hopes of helping others as well as documenting my journey – I’ve created this blog. I am a transsexual woman; my gender is female and my birth sex is male (this is the official medical definition and its in my medical record). This is not a choice, nor is it a lifestyle or even a preference. It took many years, with professional help, to find who I am and to finally merge all of my life’s descriptiveness, talents, sensitivities and general outlook on life into a deep understanding of self. As that phase progressed, it was my maleness that started to fall away, like layers of an onion. Rather than becoming a woman, I realized I am a woman. This is my diary of my journey through transition. With kindness and Aloha, Sifan

6 responses »

  1. Beautiful, Lisa.

    Reply
  2. Well said, Lisa. I hope this will help others broaden their sights.
    Mary

    Reply
  3. Wonderful, Lisa. My husband’s best friend’s story is similar to Sifanshans. She is in the process of physically changing, yet lives as a man in her work environment and consequently, has few friends. The heart has such huge capacity, how blessed you are to love this woman.

    Reply
  4. I could not agree more. My beloved was taken so suddenly and although I feel her presence daily I will always miss walking next to this incredibly brave, intelligent and beautiful person. I too see gender as a spectrum upon which we slide from day to day. I am so grateful to have learned that; it has made me a more accepting and loving human being. What a gift! Thank you Bev

    Reply
  5. I’ve been with my husband for about eight years now, and it was only a couple years ago that he opened up to me about having an interest in cross-dressing. I was fine with that, and actually, we’ve had fun shopping together and borrowing clothes from one another. Since my husband first started sharing this side of himself with me, we’ve also had a lot of conversations about gender, hormone therapy, and surgery. He wants to go through the sex-change process, but that’s some distance in the future as yet. Right now we are starting a family, and he is slowly becoming more comfortable with simple things, like cross-dressing in public. I’m a heterosexual female and this is a strange journey for me, but I love this person and can’t imagine choosing a different partner. I am not sure how our sex life will change as we move into the future, but I’m taking the changes, and his decisions, as they come. Thanks for your post. It’s so nice to hear from somebody who is in a similar situation.

    Reply
  6. Pingback: Back in Touch … | Sifan's Journey

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