You know how sometimes when you wake up in the morning, and you have time and don’t have to get out of bed right away – sometimes you start thinking about ….. something. Living in Maui, of course I think about the beach and swimming and just laying out sunning or reading or chatting with my partner.
But I noticed a big change since before I transitioned. It’s another one of these ‘internal’ changes that has happened. And because this seems to be something that was driven by the hormone therapy that I’m taking (HRT – transition), this was a very slow change or at least was not noticeable until now – as hindsight.
Now, a disclaimer … This is ‘me’. I have lots of evidence (first hand) of many of my friends both male and female (cis) that also support this, but in no way is this a generalization – it’s documentation of something that happened to me.
As a male, seeing a ‘hot’ bodied female (say in a bikini) on the beach, my first thoughts were ‘wow’, in a sexual way – as in ‘focused on the body’. This response was automatic as is the tendency of ones eyes to follow her down the beach. However, seeing a ‘hot’ male body on the beach, the response was something like “oh, he must work out” – and nothing more.
But now, as a woman, having been on hormones for more then 5 months, the first thing the I think of when I see a ‘hot’ woman in a bikini on the beach is: 1) nice body (but not in a sexual way), 2) what is she wearing, 3) humm, nope, I could not wear that, 4) nope, I’ll NEVER be able to wear that, 5) I wonder what her personality is like.
When a see a ‘hot’ bodied male on the beach my initial reaction is: 1) nice body (again, not in a sexual way) and 2) I wonder what his personality is like.
Now, the only thing that has changed with me is a very low testosterone level and an elevated estrogen level (compared to a cis-female) – in other-words hormones. I’ve heard others talk about the ‘testosterone fog’ of which this is just one aspect. Even back then, I would describe having a ‘male’ shield around me that only let in a portion of the energies of the outside world – almost like it was protecting the woman (me) inside. But a fog not only obscures, it changes the perspective, the ‘light’ if you will and therefore influences the perception of the world outside.
And, like when the fog lifts, everything is much clearer and that is where I am right now. Looking back, yes, I agree with so many other transsexuals regarding this ‘testosterone fog’.
I always looked at people in a ‘holistic’ way – a person is both body and personality, body and soul. But before transition I had this conflict: a female ‘hot’ body elicited this initial sexual attitude with a holistic view coming secondarily – the ‘fog’ ….
Now, understand this change in me, I will sometimes ‘experiment’ and try to see a person ‘sexually’ only to find that does not exist for me anymore. What I see is the person – I am not attracted to a hot body now – only if the ‘package’ is complete and compelling would I be interested in meeting them – and then I would never take the initiative – they would have to say hello! I still recognize a hot body – it’s just that is not a sexual response anymore.
And yes, I have always heard the female response described this way, or sort of this way. As I said, in a way, my former testosterone fogged being had that deep down inside (and was conflicted). I suppose it’s like the difference between ‘knowing’ something versus knowing about it experientially.
With aloha,
Sifan
Sifan's Journey 