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Ah – ‘Nothing’ at last …

when a woman says nothing to wearIn my youth I had figured out that a person is responsible for their own happiness – it is not something that is just out there or that anyone else can make for you.  It starts with a simple decision in each moment as to how you chose to interpret life or events and goes from there.  That simple knowledge ‘saved’ me back then and has been a foundation for me ever since.

Today I am seeking to be myself, to be able to interact with society and be understood as who I really am – to not having to put on this male facade any longer.  Since I started my RLE (Real Life Experience – one has to live a year as a female before you can have surgery), I’m seeing profound changes, especially with interactions at work and I am starting to taste and relax into just being me.  As some of my colleagues had commented:  they saw who I was long before I had said anything and it was easy for them to both accept and treat me as who I am.

There is an ‘alpha’ male at work – the only person I was worried about – that now treats me like a sister, helping and protecting me.  He is a staunch Christian and this is hard for him to understand but he has asked for material and keeps the dialog open (asking good questions) – a very good sign.  As in so many cases, it’s easy to demonize if you have never personally known someone like this.  Being that I am ‘educated’ (college degree), was the CEO of a corporation and am in a professional position – this presented a bit of a challenge to him.  I did not match any of the stereotypes!  He had to contemplate that perhaps, yes, this was just another facet of being human – just like having red hair or being short or tall.  He is still perplexed but at least he is more open-minded than before.

full closet - nothing to wear

Years ago my therapist had asked me what do I expect to feel like after everything is said and done – what will be different or changed?  My answer then is my answer now:  “nothing” – in the sense of finally being ‘normal’ to myself.  By that I mean that with congruence I will settle into a life where I am happy and being ‘me’ is the norm – the mirror on the wall shows the correct me (but its so much more than just an external vision ….).  It’s the same kind of ‘nothing’ that you experience having a right arm —– it’s just there.  Most people never have to even question this – they ‘just are’.  Well, that is what I mean by “nothing” – the nothing of not having to deal with a dichotomy.  As my therapist had mentioned, I have put in a lot of years working on the ‘internal’ transition – now it’s time for the external to catch up.  And my experience now, living full time as a woman is giving me the contentment and joy of just that – being myself!

These two transitions (internal and external) have to come together successfully.  From what I see, some people transition externally first and have issues afterwords, until they settle the internal as well.  By the way:  by internal I do not mean the “was always a women” type of thing – I mean dealing with all of life’s daily expectations in actually manifesting as your self, again this is something most people never experience or even question.

With much aloha,
Sifan
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About sifankahale

Aloha ! This is a difficult (very personal and scary) thing for me to share. I have seen and read many other accounts of people who have transitioned – those have helped me immensely. But we are all unique, and my journey does not seem to fit others. So, in hopes of helping others as well as documenting my journey – I’ve created this blog. I am a transsexual woman; my gender is female and my birth sex is male (this is the official medical definition and its in my medical record). This is not a choice, nor is it a lifestyle or even a preference. It took many years, with professional help, to find who I am and to finally merge all of my life’s descriptiveness, talents, sensitivities and general outlook on life into a deep understanding of self. As that phase progressed, it was my maleness that started to fall away, like layers of an onion. Rather than becoming a woman, I realized I am a woman. This is my diary of my journey through transition. With kindness and Aloha, Sifan

4 responses »

  1. Aloha Sifan, I think you had a beautiful answer, and I know that even though it’s difficult at times, you will be as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside.

    Reply
  2. I’m really enjoying the design and layout of your blog.
    It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more enjoyable for me
    to come heree and visit more often. Did youu hire out
    a designer to create your theme? Great work!

    Reply
    • Mahalo! I had spent a bit of time trying out different ideas until this one and I’ve stuck with it. For me, what is important is to document and pay forward information regarding transition to those following me. To that end I’m trying to organize it for ease of use and transfer of information. Thank you (mahalo) for your comments.

      Reply
  3. Pingback: 21 Months Post Op | Sifan's Journey

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