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Using the Woman’s Restroom

Posted on August 25, 2013 by sifankahale

Of course a major issue for a transsexual is which restroom to use and when to start or switch to using it.  For me this issue ranked up there along with ‘pass-ability’ in my decision as to when to start living full time as a woman (starting my RLE – real life experience).  And this is an especially important issue to be addressed and solved at the workplace where we spend most of our day!

There comes a point where we have progressed in our transition (hormone treatment) that we can no longer effectively hide our ‘blossoming’ changes and it becomes harder and more difficult to continue using the restroom we had been using but at the same time we are not passable enough to use the restroom of our target gender.  What a conundrum!

Let me explain my situation first, as this is a bit unique.  A number of events all came together to make this a bit easier for me than what one would normally expect.  As they say, your mileage will vary, but some of what transpired here may be of use to others that are transitioning…

I’m just starting my 4th month on HRT and my body has changed beyond where I can effectively ‘hide’ it.  The best way to describe the situation at work is to say I am in a department that is somewhat out of place in the building where we are located – meaning we are a bit isolated.  I had come out to everyone in my department about 1/2 year ago – but not to others in the building as there is little interaction.    That all changed, as recently we had an all building ‘sensitivity’ training during which I was asked to explain the difference between gender and birth sex, gender presentation and sexual orientation (this was planned….).  This of course effectively ‘outed’ me and of course that is what I wanted and was the perfect setting (sexual harassment and workplace violence training – with our top lawyers giving the training).

At this same time my name change and gender change documents came through (see “Getting Legal“).  I am now officially named and have a gender of female in my state, my drivers license, social security and at my employment and my bank.

All of these events came together: progressing to a point where I needed to present as a woman full time, fully out to everyone in my department and to everyone in the building, the decision to start my RLE and all my documentation is changed – name and gender.

What was left to resolve was the restroom issue!  I was counseled to find a way to manage this independently as our HR is on another island.  So a couple of the women from my department went around and talked to each women in the building individually, specifically regarding the restroom.  I had talked to the different managers at our site to make sure this was ok.  I would then go around and say hi to each person and make sure they were ok.  All was well ….  This was about 2 or 3 weeks ago.

Then last week, one of the women, who is there only part time and usually during the morning when I’m not there, went to one of the managers and requested that the upstairs woman’s restroom be converted to ‘unisex’ with a lock.  Last Thursday was the first chance I had to say hi to her and she politely told me she requested this and gave me the following reasons:

– if we didn’t know you ‘from before’ …..

– you (meaning I) might feel uncomfortable if a woman in the next stall is having a period ….

– during public events outside people might be uncomfortable

For one, I’m an elder person – I know/have seen/been there – and how ‘dare’ she speak for me and what I might be uncomfortable with.  As far as outside woman using our facilities, I am 100 % presenting now and using public restrooms where ever I am.  As for knowing ‘who I am before’ – exactly when do you ‘not know’ and it becomes ok?  And finally as for converting that restroom to a ‘unisex’ with a lock – not only is that an inconvenience to others here, but in one way it’s sort of a slap on my face – a denial of who I am.  Furthermore, my documentation now states I’m female, I have started my RLE and it would be even stranger if I were to use the men’s room at this point!

Well, independently and unknown to me, the managers she went to, consulted with their higher authorities and came up with a brochure from Lambda Legal regarding a transsexual’s restroom rights and not only posted it on the main bulletin board but hand delivered a copy to this woman!

Now, my recommendation based on all this, is not to handle this internally, no matter what the situation is with your HR.  But to ask/demand that HR put out something official stating their policies.  Now, I do admit, I work for the state and there are policies that cover this and protect me – so you need to find that out for where you work first.  But after that – this is HR’s job, not mine or yours.  I am very grateful to the women who stood up for me, that fought for me and for the managers for taking action when they needed to.

20130812_112007

I’ll close with a cute story and an explanation of the accompanying image.   Back a few weeks ago when I first started my RLE we went down to the federal building to change my social security name and gender.  We parked in their garage and took the elevator up.  When we got out my partner asked if I had to use the restroom – not expecting what she was up to I said yes.  Then before I knew what was happened, she grabbed my hand and yanked me into the woman’s restroom which I had not noticed that we were standing in front of!  This was my first use of a public woman’s restroom…  It gets better:  we are using the stalls next to each other and she moves her foot over to touch mine – under the partition.  We played footsie in the woman’s bathroom stalls !  The she asks if I have my cell phone camera and states it would be great to have a picture of this.  It gets worse:  just as I take the picture, there is a sound as if someone else entered the restroom – then my phone decides it wants to use the ‘flash’ – ack !  So now I’m facing the situation where this is the first time in a public woman’s restroom, someone else might have just come in there, and I just took a ‘flash’ picture —- in the restroom.   Geeeesh.  Well, no one else was in there except us (must have been some building kind of noise) and here is the picture to prove it !

With much aloha,

Sifan

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Month 3 Summary

Posted on August 25, 2013 by sifankahale

This was my most significant month so far as changes go.  So much occurred this last month!

Sifan 20130816

The largest change was starting my RLE (Real Life Experience) – living full time, everywhere as a woman.  The event that triggered this was picking up my partner when she returned home (see my post “A daring surprise for my partner“).  Having my eye brows shaped and my hair styled not only allowed me to more clearly see how I have evolved physically and could finally ‘see’ the woman in me starting to bloom on the outside, but it also gave me the confidence to go full time.

This coupled with the sensitivity training at work (see “The Girl Card” where I was asked to explain transgender terms to our entire staff) gave me the opportunity to fully come out to the rest of the people at work.  This of course led to the “Use the woman’s restrooms” post.  Another major ordeal was “getting legal“.  I’ve been busy posting this month too!

I had planned to start my RLE in November as that would have been 6 months HRT and from the research I had done, that seemed like the proper time for a lot of the physical changes to have occurred and theory was I would be more passable.

However, I did not count on these changes happening sooner.  So much so that I had somewhat the opposite problem:  I could not hide the changes that were occurring!  My hair is longer, my breasts are larger (they show even if I bind them) and my face and body shape are changing as well.   When I had my brows shaped and my hair styled – poof – I was over the edge.

Granted – I do not consider myself ‘passing’:  my hair has a long way to go, my face is better – very little black hair left because of laser (but now I can see the little white hairs) and I have a long way to go with voice training.  I am getting a lot of hugs and well wishes, as I mentioned in the “getting legal” post.

So, I’m 100% living as myself – a woman.  The change in my day to day feelings and my interactions with others, especially at work, are wonderful.  I’m able to let go of the male facade and just be.  It might seem silly, especially to someone that does not have gender issues and it’s hard to explain, but the type of freedom and exuberance I feel is so great.  It has to do both with me internally, but also with society and how I’m seen and for the most part accepted.  To authentically be one’s self and to be seen and treated as such (and in a number of my relations – to be admired for taking these step) is an awesome thing.  I am very happy and content that I undertook this and have come this far with so many wonderful people around me.

Ok, now for the details on what has changed in this last month – I’ll break this down into external and internal this time:

Externally there have been a number of significant changes.  Most obvious are my breasts.  One of the signs they are growing is that the tube dress I like (has optional straps) I can wear without the straps now – it stays up just fine.  But they are hurting as they grow (ummm more like soreness – not a really bad kind of hurting).  I will get spots that become sore and a day later I’m larger there.  I started on the outsides, then they grew above the nipples, then on the insides (I have cleavage now), and then on the bottoms.  Then they were very sore directly under the nipples.  Each starts with a hardness, almost a lump (got me worried – but my doctor said it was ok and expected) that was sore and that slowly softened over a few hours and by the next day I was larger in that area.  Right now I have this hardness deep under each nipple and this is the sorest I’ve been so far.

Another big change regarding my breasts are their – ummm, how to say this politely …., they are ‘stimulatable’ … as my partner aptly proved one day – I darn near levitated ….  I had no sensations there before, so this is a big and obvious change (obvious to me…).

I’ve been losing weight and that plus the effects of hormones are having an effect.  My tummy is flatter and my bottom is ever so slightly filling out resulting in the appearance of some small but noticeable curves.  My woman’s jeans and pants are fitting very nicely now and some tops are able to emphasize those curves!

My face is starting to change as well.  I can just notice a difference from before.  It is losing its hard masculine features and everything is getting much softer.

Shaving:  legs and arms I shave about once a week, tummy and chest about every two day and I shave my face about every two days as well – more often depending on what I’m doing that day.

I’m not using cosmetics except for filling in my eye brows, coloring the slight grey/silver hair in two small spots by my ears and sometimes I’ll wear lipstick.  Daily I will blow dry my hair in such a way to give it lift, style it a bit and set it with hair spray.

Internally this is the first month where I have noticed any changes and ummmm, others have too.  I was always over reactingautomatically accommodating – to a fault.  Since my problems coming out to my oldest son, I have eased up on that quite a bit.  I no longer accommodate but now will openly question situations.  My partner used the word ‘bitchy’ at one point and ‘your hormones are acting up’, but then explaining that I’m being more sensitive and at some times ‘touchy’, reacting more strongly than the situation would seem to warrant – and then she added: “like a woman having her period”!    Others at work have been more diplomatic but basically said that more often I’m discussing things, being more assertive, questioning more and not being overly accommodating as I used to be.

The other internal change is harder to quantify.  Before I could sense when I felt ‘male’ or did a ‘male’ type of thing.  That has completely gone away.  I suppose it’s one of those things that are best seen – perhaps only seen – with hind sight.  All I can say is that testosterone, like estrogen, is a very very powerful agent.  I’m not sure which of these or all of these internal changes are due to what, but I can definitely say it is such a huge relief being done with testosterone (more accurately:  being on a low to normal female level).  I’m having a hard time trying to find the words to describe this.  It’s like there is no longer this need or drive to be alpha, to know everything, to solve everything or to be the one everyone looks to.  I now feel like I can rest in my true nature – a supporter, a friend, a confidant and a nurturer.  I love being protected, being taken care of, having someone hold the door open for me and just the smiles and hugs of companionship with other women.  In one way, it is so much a load off my shoulders and in another it is just so wonderful to be accepted for who I am – my real authentic self.

With much aloha,

Sifan

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A Daring Surprise for my Partner

Posted on August 10, 2013 by sifankahale

20130807_165046Prelude:

My partner went to the mainland for two weeks to settle and close out some old accounts.  She will be coming back in a couple of days.  I was trying to think of something special to do at the airport when she gets off the plane.

For me, this last week has been an awesome week, both at work and elsewhere.  We had training in sexual harassment in which I was asked to explain gender – all the women from my department surrounded me in that training and supported me.  For the first time I dressed feminine at work and was received well.  The ‘alpha’ male was out on vacation when we had a number of critical failures at the observatory – another woman and myself were able to fix these and be back on sky each night.  When he came back to work he commented (in a very nice way) that the “two wahine’s” had everything under control (wahine = woman in Hawaiian).  That was given as a compliment, he was proud of us.

I met with my therapist and discussed these events.  We both agree that perhaps I will move up my RLE (real life experience – living as a woman full time) from Nov. to now, given that my confidence and comfort are getting to a point where I feel I could handle that.  With the help of two of the women at work we addressed the remaining issues (like restroom usage) with all the other women in the building.  My boss said he will give an all hands party whenever I would like in order to officially announce/celebrate my coming out.

So, what you may ask, does all this have to do with my partner coming home …..

Before she left, we both looked at this gorgeous long black dress, halter top but with a plunging neckline and it has silhouetted flowers stitched in down one side in white.  Well of course I bought it after she left !  For my birthday she had given me a silver jeweled key on a necklace which goes beautifully with this dress.  I also bought an open sweater to cover my shoulders and upper arms plus small hoop silver earrings to go with the necklace.  I wore this to my therapist appointment to get her opinion on the feasibility of meeting my partner at the airport – as in walking through a crowded airport and waiting for her to de-plane!

So we talked about my level of comfort and also backup plans (like having something more androgynous in the car and change if I feel like it).  But she did not see any reason after discussing this with me why I shouldn’t go forward – in fact she encouraged me.  Not only that, but she called up a friend of hers that will do my makeup and hair on that day!

For me, this will be ‘huge’.  Already, this was my first time purchasing a dress and sweater by myself, first pair of earrings and the biggest first of all – first time ever going out in public (an airport – geeeesh) in a dress – a very beautiful dress.  Not only that, we are going out to eat at a fancy restaurant after.

For two weeks now, I have been debating whether or not to do this.  But at the same time preparing and getting everything ready.  Given the events of this week, I feel another turning point has been reached.  My comfort at work, at being able to be the ‘authentic’ me – communicating from my true being and having others respond to me – as a woman – has brought me around full circle to the ‘why’ I am transitioning:  to be authentic to my being, to have my outward and inward selves aligned/congruent and to be comfortable in my existence.

I can not post this until after my partner arrives because she reads these posts!  That means the last part of this will be written and posted after she arrives and you (and I) will see how this went….

Epilogue:

Nothing is ever simple – her plane was canceled and she was rescheduled for the next day.  I had to quickly reschedule all my appointments (some with people that were very busy and had fit me in to begin with).  Then the next day, her plane was delayed and she missed the 2nd flight to Honolulu, pushing out her arrival time from 5 pm until almost 9 at night.

Two of the women at work plus my therapist and the woman that hosts our transsexual’s support group gave me amazing support.  One woman at work wrote: “whenever I do something over the top – I feel it, I own it, I be it – because we ‘can’ ” !  That was the best advice and the perfect advice I needed.

One of them paid for me to have that makeover (as it turns out, two of them knew this person).  I went in at 3 pm and had a great time with a wonderful woman that did an awesome makeover.  Not only colored and styled my hair, but waxed my eyebrows, eye makeup and facial and lips.  This gave me the confidence to go through with the rest.

Well, the hardest part was coming home and waiting for the time to go to the airport.  My partner called to say she had landed in Honolulu and was just waiting for her third flight – to Maui. Still, it seemed like ages before I could leave for the airport.  As I was traveling down the highway, about 15 mins before she was to land I saw a plane coming from the right direction.  I watched it land as I drove down the mountain knowing it was her plane, but getting worried that now I might be late getting there!  Turns out her plane was early.  I parked and was just getting the leis out of their boxes when she called me from inside the airport – she was coming down stairs to the main hall so I had to hurry and get in there.

As I crossed the road in front of the airport, the light was about to change, so a policeman used his light wand to keep the traffic stopped until I made it across – nodding to me as I pasted him (giggles, that was a first).

As I entered the main hall I saw her just starting to walk towards me so I veered off and stood on the side of the entrance into the main baggage hall as she came up.   When she came up to that entrance she was totally surprised and sooo happy!  She couldn’t believe how beautiful I looked (her words), and was amazed at the dress I was wearing.  She said she had seen a woman off in the distance that sort of looked like me!!

The confidence I felt from the makeover carried through the entire time.  I was not nervous walking into a crowded airport, partly due to the rush trying to get there in time.  However, I did notice some looks as this nicely dressed woman (me) reached over to grab two large and heavy suitcases and struggle to get them off the baggage belt!  At least I stayed true to form and struggled (well, they were heavy)!

After struggling to get the luggage into the car (it’s a bit different handling large heavy luggage wearing a long dress) I drove us over to our favorite Thai restaurant and my partner opened to door for me!  The waitress (who knows us from the many times we have eaten there) looks at me and smiles broadly.   We had our favorite appetizer – shrimp in peanut sauce along with a couple of deliciously cold Sing Tao beers.  Lisa had a curry and I had a delicious pork crispy noodle dish.   We had a lot of people smile at us.

When we got home, I noticed I had forgotten to bring up the garbage – ack!  All the careful prep for today and I missed this one item.  So in my beautiful dress I hiked the garbage up.  Now before, I would hide just behind the hedge row up there if a car or if someone came by.  Not anymore!  I now have the confidence and pride to be who I am and I just walked out there!

It’s now four days later – this experience has carried over and continues.  I have now talked to 98% of the people at work, I’m 100% presenting as a woman everywhere, using the woman’s restrooms and have now started my RLE (real life experience) four months earlier than I had planned.  As one of the woman friends at work pointed out – I’ve ‘grown’ beyond what I can hide anyways – might as well come out fully as a woman and “feel it, own it, be it”!

With much aloha,

Sifan

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The ‘Girl’ Card

Posted on July 31, 2013 by sifankahale

vector-card-girl8A lot of people going through transition will at some point experience what has been called “getting the ‘girl’ card” (MtF).  This is that magic moment when the friends around you (usually women) display some sort of public acknowledgement and acceptance of you as a woman.   This happens more than just once of course, but it’s that first time that is very special and memorable.

This happened in a big way for me today:  we had an all hands meeting where the lawyers from UH came to give us training in sexual harassment and work place violence.  About half a year ago I had requested they include something about transsexualism and was asked to write a couple of slides (Click this tab to see those slides).  But because this training was to address problems in the workplace they decided keep the focus to the current issues.

Just before we started, the presenter that I had been in correspondence with, recognized me and we had a huge hug!  She then quickly showed me that she did incorporate some points from my slides into her presentation.  About 1/4 of the way through the training, she purposefully asked the ‘audience’ if anyone knew the difference between birth sex and gender and what gender presentation and expression meant.  She told me later she had asked that just so I could answer!  Wow!

All the women from my department (plus a few others) sat all around me (they did that on purpose – they knew I had submitted those slides for this presentation).  So after I had answered her questions – suddenly there were 4 or 5 people all patting me (on my back, my arms) – just absolutely awesome.  What support and caring – not just for patting me but for purposefully sitting all around me.  Afterwords, the presenter mentioned the awesome support she witnessed by those around me.

Then later in the training, the woman behind me was picking something off my back (a hair or something).  When I turned around and smiled and thanked her – the other woman next to her said “oh, we were just snapping your bra” (this was in the crowded training room)!!  Both are woman I work closely with (one is my ‘sister’ that helps me with womanly issues that I face while transitioning).  Afterwords, I told another woman that I work closely with about the bra snapping and she said “oh, turn around let me see” – and then ‘she’ snapped my bra too!!

That – is what I call being given ‘the girl card’ …..

And:  the ‘alpha’ male in our group came up to me and politely asked which personal pronouns I would prefer and that he would try hard and please forgive any lapse he might make.

Plus:  the overall manager in charge of everyone on this site came up to me just before this meeting and asked what name I should now be called.

Ecstatically in tears,

Sifan

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“Why are ‘you’ a woman?”

Posted on June 3, 2013 by sifankahale

7586971_f520In coming out, especially to family, I inevitably get the question: “what makes you think you are a woman” and “give me examples through-out your life” followed by “well, men are like that/do that too”.

One can get caught in this game of proof by example …

I always try to start by telling them that since birth I knew myself as female, that this was something inside me and that through-out my life I have struggled either by denying or rationalizing.

Still, they want examples …

It seems like most people want concrete examples, more or less proving that I am a woman.  Situations or characteristics that to them prove who I say I am.  Even those that know me well, start to point out “well, you are a scientist” or “you fixed cars” in trying to dis-prove or perhaps substantiate their own notion of who they ‘knew’ as me.  Even after giving them examples of natal women who hold those roles in life (and who I work with), they still look for other proof, either for or against.

It probably did not help that for most of their lives, I filled the ‘male’ role quite well.  I had kept this under wraps very successfully (and to an extent, even to myself with multiple rationalizations such as “I’m just a guy with these other abilities/characteristics …”).

Most people required someone in an authoritative position to be able to proclaim that I was a woman.  For example, “after 4 years of therapy, Dr. so and so diagnosed me as a transsexual woman”.  I hate using the word ‘diagnosed’ and I usually explain that this is not a ‘condition’ or a mental anything – this is akin to having red hair or green eyes – it’s just another version of the human experience – albeit not as common.

Even then, they dismiss that as “who is Dr so and so, are they qualified, are you sure?” …

I have also started to see or recognize that people are going through phases in dealing with my news.  It usually starts with the type of questioning I mentioned above, almost always from a negative/denial perspective.  Then they start to accept or see or perhaps relate to events where they have personally witnessed me, that they can now, in light of this news, re-interpret as coming from a feminine being.

This is usually followed by another phase where they now start asking ‘genuine’ questions and I can start to see the ‘wheels turning’ as they start to put everything together.  Acceptance is still a ways off, but now they are also more receptive to further information as well.  A lot of times they ask questions that I had already addressed right in the beginning – almost as if they didn’t hear what I had said.  I think most of the time they were just not ready to hear it then and that this was so overwhelming that they could not take it all in.  That is one reason I wrote both the coming out letter and the slides on what transsexualism is (both I have included on this site).

On the one hand I feel sad that people can not accept my feelings about who I am, my internal process, without black and white logistical proof – something that just does not exist in this realm.  About all that can be ‘seen’ externally is this ‘preponderance of evidence’ of example situations from one’s life experiences – things that taken individually can be dismissed quite easily.

This happened to me as well as I came to terms with who I am.  One of the phases I went through (see the tab above titled ‘Beginnings’ – I called them ‘bathtub moments’), was a collection and analysis of all those events that I could remember.  Look around at most of the other transsexual stories you see – almost all of them have major sections devoted to events and incidents through-out their lives attempting to offer proof that they/we are who we say we are – played with the girls, dressed in women’s clothing, not competitive, was creative, etc.  All of these, on a one by one basis could be dismissed, but on a preponderance of evidence criteria, perhaps could offer circumstantial evidence that we are transsexual beings.

But – why does that matter?  We know who we are.  Yes, we want to be accepted by our loved ones, our families and our friends.  How much of their questioning and disbelief comes back inside ourselves and either upsets us or perhaps even forces us to re-examine ourselves – to ask “what am I doing? (not in the context of “am I right” but in the context of what is the extent of the damage I am doing to others).  It forces us to once again weight risks and benefits – as if this is a business decision that can be rationally analyzed ….

In the end, it is our personal fortitude and strength that is tested, over and over again.  Perhaps this is good – it re-affirms who we are.  But why do we allow external forces to effect us?  Don’t get me wrong here:  I know who I am – this is not raising doubts.  However, we are social beings.  As much as some might wish independence – we do need loved ones and friends/family to live happily – at least I do.

We can ignore the plights of others as they go through their stages of accepting us, we can help them understand, we can have patience and show love and/or we can silently suffer through their angst and bewilderment.

I think what is most important is that ‘we’ know our own ‘truth’, know it well and are stable/grounded in it.  We are all different, but I choose to help those that struggle through these phases – I choose to avail myself to them (if they wish) and offer what ever support and love that I can.  Most importantly, I see this as ‘their’ problem/issue.  I am who I am and as a transsexual author friend of mine said (and her book is titled) “It’s ok to be me” !

With much aloha,

Sifan

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Coming out at work – part 2

Posted on May 11, 2013 by sifankahale

Water-cooler-gossip-007This is preliminary …..

These are my plans for coming out to the rest of my work environment.  When I accomplish this I’ll rewrite this post with the actual events and outcomes as it happens – probably step by step.

I work at a university research facility and such, I am covered by State laws that prevent discrimination according gender.  However, a number of older professors have been in legal trouble with sexual discrimination that the Institution that I belong to had to have special ‘violence in the workplace’ training that included sensitivity training.  The attitudes of the vast majority during the first training session on the main campus was abysmal !

I work in another facility far away from the main campus.  The department I am in is somewhat isolated within this facility.  As a result, I came out to those in my department – those I work with every day.  See the post on “Coming out at work” dated April 14, 2013.  However at this time I am still presenting as a male.

I should be starting HRT in 2 weeks.  I plan to keep presenting as a male at work until I’ve been on hormones for about 6 months and then, if acceptable, go full-time presenting as a woman.  Currently I’m a ‘128 girl’ – meaning I am en-femme all the time except when I’m at work.

I see three parts to coming out to everyone:

First, I plan to ‘up the ante’ so to speak, as each month progresses.  I’m already wearing bracelets to work, hair is growing out, am carrying a purse and I’m now wearing a sports bra under my shirt.  Next I’ll have my ears pierced, wear hoops, have my hair styled, laser hair removal, shaved legs and arms, and of course will start to ‘show’ as the hormones start to work.  I also plan on dressing more and more androgynous.

Second, the sensitivity training I mentioned above, will be held at our facility in the near future.  I have contacted the people who are presenting this and asked them to include gender awareness in that training.  The ‘Transsexualism’ tab on this website (above) is the presentation I sent to them.  I’ll see if they will allow me to present this part.

Third, I read about others that transitioned at work and I like the method where the person takes vacation for one week and during that week HR comes in and has meetings with everyone covering all the topics including use of the restrooms.  You leave as a male and one week later you come back presenting as a woman.

At this time I am implementing the first step, I have to follow-up with people on step 2 and I have yet to write the emails and make contacts with the people in HR to set up step 3.

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Working on the ‘Inside’

Posted on May 11, 2013 by sifankahale

reflectingOne of the things my psychologist had commented on about me was that I was ‘working’ on the inside first and that now I was coming to the point where I was ready to work on the outside. I have seen a few (very few) others that were like me in this regard.

My partner and I were just talking about my situation.  I explained that my memory of school, where innocent questions were met with brutal force (Catholic school nuns), was a really huge event that modified me greatly – and that this was not a single event but 8 years of school.  That affects people in different ways: some take it that something is wrong with them, others just blindly give in, some fight it and are constantly in trouble, or there is me – I saw and recognized the ‘game’, how to play it and what the rules were.

I also knew that to survive, I not only had to play this game but that I had to keep ‘me’, my true beliefs and my being, private.  Anything that was being told or taught, I had to be sure to critically analyze and make sure it fit in with ‘my’ views or the world – eg. it had to make simple sense.  Life in an ultra conservative northern town in the 1950’s did not allow for even the possibility of a transsexual existence – let alone gay or lesbian. These concepts were not even known – at least to the general public of that time. Somebody that was strange or different (in just about any way) was simply queer – that term was not a gay term then – it just meant different – but the stigma was horrendous. The effect for me was like the school:  play the game but understand your own truth.

However, what was my ‘truth’?  There was nothing in that society or environment that even hinted at a self-identity that did not match ones birth sex – or anything that was transgender or gay/lesbian. Those things were censored from all news outlets – remember back then all channels were local, even TV when that finally came – same with the libraries. I was different, I fit in with the girls but I sure looked like a boy. So in my wee little mind the ‘game’ I learned in school applied to this situation worked its way like this: I was a boy but I had these ‘extra’ capabilities that allowed me to feel, understand (and be understood) and be part of the girls – actually part of both sexes.

This had the effect of layering on all these masculine traits and habits (testosterone did its share…) as I ‘played’ the game of being a boy/man. But inside I carried all my feminine traits, buried, but like school, these were kept inside as my own ‘truth’.  They were not labeled as such – because I did not have exposure to the full truth – to me they were just these added abilities/feelings/senses that no other boy seemed to have.

So, coming full circle, here I am:  these layers are peeling off and we are discussing internal and external transitions. I’m about 3 weeks away from starting HRT and reading/pondering these autobiographies of post transitioned women who are now dealing with being a woman internally – thinking, feeling, responding to the environment as a female.

Where am I?  Well, of course only time and transition will tell, but especially within the last year, I can tell when I did something ‘male-ish’.  Usually at the moment it’s happening I can tell.  I have told my partner and my psychologist a lot of times that I was definitely a women (I say I was very Si today or I had a Sifan day).  I don’t say that much any more because the majority of the time I am now coming from my womanhood.

I do agree with my psychologist (her statement above that I started out working from my internals).  From my childhood I learned to be appropriate and to that extent when I’m presenting as a male – I use those mannerisms.  I really enjoy when I am presenting as a woman, as for me it is natural and I can just allow myself to be ….. free.

Some of this understanding came from Second Life – a virtual world where as my avatar I can immerse in a world (and a society) fully as a woman.  Once I found a voice modulator that would change my masculine voice to a feminine one – it really opened my eyes!  Suddenly, there was my full range of expression, the giggles, the highs and lows, the intonation that was hidden in the male voice.  It was ‘me’, it was the me that I knew was there, it was freeing.

THAT is what transitioning means for me – allowing the real me, my truth, to come out, to be seen and heard. Allowing me to interact with the world (and vice versa) the way I want to, to express my ideas and thoughts and feelings with the full impact how internally I try to, but becomes so buried in the masculine persona as to be muted and unnoticed. It’s like living inside a box, voice muted, plain features, muted expressions, on and on.

Since I have come out to the people I work with, I’m more able to be myself.  However,  because I’m pre-HRT and still presenting as a male in public, I’m careful to stay within those bounds.  But I do push the boundaries slowly and within what I believe is their comfort levels.  For example, I carry a purse and wear a bracelet.   Each month before I actually transition at work (about 6 months from now), I plan to ‘up the ante’ – still presenting as a male.  For example, getting my ears pierced, shaving legs and arms, wear more androgynous clothes, changing style of flippers/sandals, etc.

All of this allows me to be more of myself and allows me to shed more and more of the male persona that I had built up over my lifetime.

Working on the inside …….

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Coming out at work – part 1

Posted on April 14, 2013 by sifankahale

imagesThis is how I came out at work:

This is the first part of how I came out at work.  I work in a department that is somewhat isolated from the rest of the people in this building.  This post covers how I came out to my department.  Another blog will detail how I came out to the rest of the building and to institution where I work.

First things first – a disclaimer:  so far I consider myself very fortunate in that everyone has accepted my transsexuality and transition remarkably well with full support.  They are correcting each other and defending me.  Even the persons that I thought would have the most difficulty have taken me under their protective wings so to speak.  I would definitely ‘not’ consider this a normal or usual situation – your mileage ‘will’ vary.

Another disclaimer:  I am involved in outreach programs for the public and run our programs in virtual worlds (Second Life, Metropolis, InWorldz, etc.).  My avatar in all those worlds is female and I use my Sifan name.  Everyone at work knows this.  This plus my ‘normal’ disposition probably allowed everyone to ‘connect-the-dots’ long before I came out.  At the very least, everyone could accept my situation right away.

For now, I have only come out to the department that I work in.  I chose to do this now, before hormone treatment, hair removal, voice lessons, etc. so that this would be a gradual change for them.  I work for the University, with their attendant rules regarding fairness inclusive of transgender issues.  I will still be working here as I transition and beyond.  More than likely so will the rest of the people in this department.

Up until hormonal changes become obvious, I intend to make small changes in my appearance every couple of weeks or so, both as a reminder of what is coming but also to acclimate everyone.  I started wearing bracelets, then I started carrying an over the shoulder bag and now changed that to a purse.  I will get my ears pierced, then change from studs to rings.  My hair is starting to grow out (what a mess) but soon I’ll have my first styling.  I already am growing my finger nails and am keeping them about medium and buffed (I do not think I will wear polish).  I am also signing anything non-official as ‘Sifan’ (email, notes, etc.).

I prepared a one page letter (attached below) where I introduce and put my transition in perspective.

Coming out to people

In most cases I came out individually, one on one.  This gave each person the opportunity to ask questions that might have been embarrassing if someone else where present.  It also allowed me to deal with each personality separately and tailor each session as well as respond and go with their individual ‘flow’.

The best way to start, is to come out to someone you believe is an ally.  There is a woman at work that I am close to.  I would describe our relationship and conversations as between girl friends.  We have both been very supportive of each other.  She was ‘excited’ when I told her!  She stated: “don’t be surprised if some of us knew this before you did”.  We now consider ourselves sisters.  She has been helping me in so many ways and is someone I can go to for ‘feminine’ type questions and advice.  The purse I bought, the laser hair removal clinic, where I bought my first wig – are all influenced directly by her.

The person I considered the toughest also went very well, although the circumstances of that day(s) were anything but ideal.  It turned out well, but perhaps there is a lesson to be learned ….  It’s important to try to choose the right environment and conditions – but sometimes things just happen and you have to go with the flow.  We were about to have a departmental meeting and he came in early.  He was the last person I was coming out to and asked him if he could stay after the meeting so that we could talk.  Well, of course this raised a number of concerns with him (did he do something wrong? was I ok? etc.).  I didn’t want to cause addition stress, but suddenly I was in a situation where not telling him would cause greater concern.  Unfortunately, we only had 10 minutes of conversation before others started to arrive.  The lesson here is two-fold:  don’t say anything until the time is right and do not feel pressured into saying anything.

A few days later I was up where he worked and we were able to have a long conversation.  His up-bringing was very conservative as well as his current situation.  He did however, have exposure to a transsexual teenager in his neighborhood.  By the way, over 70% of the people I have come out to, know of a transsexual – some within their families, others as neighbors or friends.  I’m not sure if this is a sign of the times or perhaps where I live.

Later that day, I had to diagnose some equipment.  He came up, moved heavy things around for me, setup a table and generally was like a big brother.  I think being open and honest, willing to listen and to gently explain your situation makes all the difference.  Of course he had the disposition to listen and learn as well.

Today, most everyone corrects the other if they use the wrong pronoun or my old name.  They have told me that if anyone outside the department says anything they will give them a piece of their mind!  Everyone is inclusive, supportive and protective of their Si!  I am so grateful and amazed.

HR has been informed and later will hold sensitivity training at our site (in fact I was asked to prepare a couple of slide for them).  Before then I will continue to come out to others outside of my department that I work with or am friends with.

Having ‘The-Talk’

Well, there is no such thing as a standard ‘The-Talk’!  Every person is different; everyone is going to respond differently according to their own life’s story.  You first have to spend time assessing the person you are about to come out to – prepare for what they might bring up.  And always be ready for about turns and surprises!

There are some ‘standard’ concepts that I either bring up each time or have in my ‘satchel’ in case I need them.  I try to cover the items in the letter (but I do not have the letter out, nor have I given it to them yet).  You do not want to seem as if you are reading a prepared statement!  This totally has to go with the flow and exchange between the two of you.

In addition to items covered in the letter, I will explain the ‘scales’ and their independence:  natal sex, gender, sexual orientation.  For simplicity I keep it to only these three.  Most people have assumptions that these are connected in some way so upfront I attempt to explain each scale has nothing to do with the others.  I usually give examples to show that none of these scales are ‘polar’.  For example, XXY and XYY (intersexed) would be in the middle somewhere on the natal sex scale  Androgynous, transgender, transsexual and neutrois somewhere in-between on the gender scale.  And heterosexual, bisexual, gay and lesbian as examples of the orientation scale.  Once again I point out that these scales are independent: I am a natal male with a female gender and a sexual orientation to females, so I consider myself a lesbian (let them wrap their heads around that for a while)!  But again – what I say and when I say it depends on who I’m talking to and the flow of the conversation.

I also talk about my youth and some early memories of how I was different and coped with my situation.  I talk a bit about this being pre-natal, having to do with hormones and timing of fetal development somewhere about the 6th week in utero, with the mind developing different from the body (gender vs natal sex).  I might also introduce the concept of a body map.  The same map that explains how an amputee can still feel their severed limb.  That in this body map is also the minds concept of gender and who we are and how this explains the disphoria of having extra body parts that are not ‘supposed’ to be there or the uncomfortableness of missing body parts that ‘are’ supposed to be there (including – like the amputee – being able to feel their presence)!  I usually point out examples of people who denied who they were and how that can be excruciating and usually results in this coming back with a vengeance.

I also talk about my partner and how we are doing – being honest and hinting at the issues as well as the progress – being realistic helps them see that this is not a fad or a wish or a choice, but rather coming to terms with and accepting who you truly are.

I finish with realistic expectations of what they could expect as time and the transition progresses, telling them my hopes and wishes for their acceptance, patience and indulgence.

A main point here – this is not a lecture, nor a one-way conversation.  What is said and when it is said is strictly dependent on the ‘flow’ of the conversation and the individual involved.  This is a conversation ….

Suggestions on creating a letter

There are so many ways to create a letter explaining your transition.  For me the benefit was to cover all the issues and details in case I missed anything in our one to one conversation.  Note, this letter ‘always’ was given out personally, face to face.  I did not email or mail this off to anyone without having a conversation first.  It was not meant to ‘stand-a-lone’ – but only to cover all the bases plus leave something for the other person that they can refer back to and refresh their memory of what just happened.  I’m sure you have been in a strange situation, where even though everything was explained to you – afterwards you are trying to put all the pieces together to make sense of what happened.  My intention was for this letter to bridge that type of situation.

It needs to be personable – you need to have ‘you’, your heart, show through.  They need to see what they know as you, to be present in your letter.  This ties the strange (to them) and unusual content to the real you and makes it easier for them to see and connect with.  It’s good to start out with something about yourself before you actually lay it on the line …  Talk about how long this has taken and the struggles you have had plus the professional help you are receiving.

The people around me are all in academia so it was important for me to talk about current medical and scientific perspectives.  I confronted some common misconceptions by stating this was not a choice, this is something we are born with attempt to cope with all our lives.  Show that you have done your homework and put in the effort;  talk about how you came to this conclusion.

Try to connect this to something they already know about you.  In my case, I’m in charge of our outreach programs in virtual worlds.  I have a female avatar that they all know about and have seen.  They also know my management style: I’m nurturing, listen intently and negotiate.

Finally, state your expectations of  your transition and what you hope from them.  Finish by offering to talk with them and offer references to material.

Coming out letter:

Aloha !

This is a difficult (and scary) thing for me to share. I want to take a moment to explain to you some of the changes you may have already noticed in me. Because these changes will now start to accelerate, I think this is a good time to let you know the rest of the story. This is a huge change in my life. You probably already could guess or perhaps already knew, so here goes:

It has taken a long time – a life time – to get here, to a place where I understand who I am and now to be and live as myself. It’s the end of a quest and the start of a journey.

Today I feel as if I’m standing on a threshold, one that will take a lot of courage, forethought and aplomb to cross. This is not a threshold as in a door but rather a slender gendarme blocking the route on a sheer arête with thousand foot precipices on both side. It requires gentle, well thought out, yet decisive moves to negotiate and climb around it.

I am a transsexual woman; my gender is female and my birth sex is male (this is the official medical definition and its in my medical record).

This is not a choice, nor is it a lifestyle or even a preference. It took many years, with professional help, to find who I am and to finally merge all of my life’s descriptiveness, talents, sensitivities and general outlook on life into a deep understanding of self. As that phase progressed, it was my maleness that started to fall away, like layers of an onion. Rather than becoming a woman, I realized I am a woman.

As Sifan in a virtual online world (an avatar), I was able to see and experience who I am. Virtual worlds allowed me to be immersed, just like a paraplegic is able to dance, surf, climb and enjoy a life they could only imagine. My body does not allow me to express myself, to emote, to show my body language or to feel the way I ‘should’. An over used metaphor is to imagine that you wake up tomorrow morning with the opposite body sex than you are now – however, ‘you’ (your being) remains the same. ‘You’ have to put on an act all your life to be able to fit into society and its expectations. I know what I am and I want that to come through.

Medical science now recognizes transgender/transsexualism as a pre-natal condition – occurring around the sixth week in-utero. In other words this is one of many expressions of being human – has been forever. In ancient societies transgender/transsexuals were the shamans and priestess: we were seen as being able to understand and bridge genders and society – magic and power. The 2012 DSM (medical standards) removed ‘disorder’ from transgender/transsexualism. The problem is not who we are but instead it has to do with how we handle and respond to society (and critically, how society responds to us) when visually we are a particular sex but internally we are the opposite gender.

Transition is a slow process. Getting to this point in my life was even slower. It’s a one way street. It’s very serious, its critical, painful and part of the journey is not pretty. I have done a lot of research, talked to doctors, psychologists and professionals plus other transsexuals that are both pre-op and post-op. It is a tricky gendarme and sheer arête indeed. I now have a realistic visualization of myself post transition. I also realistically visualize each step and maneuver along the way – some are definitely not pretty. “I” do not change – what changes is my body, my effectiveness in communicating and expressing myself and my comfort (comfort is a difficult word here – it is so much more) in being the real me. This will bring me congruence and consistency: embodiment. If you have had the experience of interacting with me as Sifan (virtual or real world) – then you already know what this difference is.

As part of this transition, I will be officially changing my name to Sifan or Si for short.

I wish for your patience, indulgence and understanding.

It is hard to remember all the things I would like to tell you and to be sure I covered everything. That is why I wrote this short note. I hope you find this helpful and informative. As you can imagine, this is very difficult to write and send. If you are curious and would like to know more, please, I would love to discuss this. I have a lot of resources I can point you to as well as articles I have written.

With kindness and Aloha,

Sifan

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About My Transition

Posted on April 6, 2013 by sifankahale

Aloha !Metamorphosis_Titian-2012

This is a difficult (very personal and scary) thing for me to share.  I have seen and read many other accounts of people who have transitioned – those have helped me immensely.  But we are all unique, and my journey does not seem to fit others.  So, in hopes of helping others as well as documenting my journey – I’ve created this blog.

It has taken a long time – a life time – to get here, to a place where I understand who I am and now to be and live as myself.  It’s the end of a quest and the start of a journey.

I am a transsexual woman;  my gender is female and my birth sex is male (this is the official medical definition and its in my medical record).

This is not a choice, nor is it a lifestyle or even a preference. It took many years, with professional help, to find who I am and to finally merge all of my life’s descriptiveness, talents, sensitivities and general outlook on life into a deep understanding of self. As that phase progressed, it was my maleness that started to fall away, like layers of an onion.  Rather than becoming a woman, I realized I am a woman.

As Sifan in a virtual online world (an avatar), I was able to see and experience who I am. Virtual worlds allowed me to be immersed, just like a paraplegic is able to dance, surf, climb and enjoy a life they could only imagine. My body does not allow me to express myself, to emote, to show my body language or to feel the way I ‘should’.  An over used metaphor is to imagine that you wake up tomorrow morning with the opposite body sex than you are now – however, ‘you’ (your being) remains the same.  ‘You’ have to put on an act all your life to be able to fit into society and its expectations.  I know what I am and I want that to come through.

Medical science now recognizes transgender/transsexualism as a pre-natal condition – occurring around the sixth week in-utero.  In other words this is one of many expressions of being human – has been forever.  In ancient societies transgender/transsexuals were the shamans and priestess:  we were seen as being able to understand and bridge genders and society – magic and power.  The 2012 DSM (medical standards) removed ‘disorder’ from transgender/transsexualism.  The problem is not who we are but instead it has to do with how we handle and respond to society (and critically, how society responds to us) when visually we are a particular sex but internally we are the opposite gender.

Transition is a slow process. Getting to this point in my life was even slower.  It’s a one way street.  It’s very serious, its critical, painful and part of the journey is not pretty.  I have done a lot of research, talked to doctors, psychologists and professionals plus other transsexuals that are both pre-op and post-op.  I now have a realistic visualization of myself post transition.  I also realistically visualize each step and maneuver along the way – some are definitely not pretty. “I” do not change – what changes is my body, my effectiveness in communicating and expressing myself and my comfort (comfort is a difficult word here – it is so much more) in being the real me. This will bring me congruence and consistency: embodiment. If you have had the experience of interacting with me as Sifan (virtual or real world) – then you already know what this difference is.

With kindness and Aloha,

Sifan

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Where I am – April 2013

Posted on April 4, 2013 by sifankahale

sifanHere I am, just starting my first blog!  Let me say a little about where I am in this transition.  My next post will describe a bit more of who I am.

As of this post, I have more than completed the required 90 day WPATH requirement to begin hormone treatment.  I expect HRT (hormone replacement treatment) to start on May 22.  Another requirement is to live fully as a woman for 1 year before GRS (gender reassignment surgery).  For the last year I have been fully immersed as a woman at home, Dr. appointments and at the transsexual support group.  I plan to wait until the HRT has enough of an effect (about 6 months) before coming out full-time to the world.

All my friends and the people I work with know about this.  However, especially at work, this will give them a 6 month period of time to gradually get used to my transition.

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