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Beach Bodies: a view of perception

Posted on November 7, 2013 by sifankahale

Cancun-Beach-CoupleYou know how sometimes when you wake up in the morning, and you have time and don’t have to get out of bed right away – sometimes you start thinking about ….. something.  Living in Maui, of course I think about the beach and swimming and just laying out sunning or reading or chatting with my partner.

But I noticed a big change since before I transitioned.  It’s another one of these ‘internal’ changes that has happened.  And because this seems to be something that was driven by the hormone therapy that I’m taking (HRT – transition), this was a very slow change or at least was not noticeable until now – as hindsight.

Now, a disclaimer …  This is ‘me’.  I have lots of evidence (first hand) of many of my friends both male and female (cis) that also support this, but in no way is this a generalization – it’s documentation of something that happened to me.

As a male, seeing a ‘hot’ bodied female (say in a bikini) on the beach, my first thoughts were ‘wow’, in a sexual way – as in ‘focused on the body’.  This response was automatic as is the tendency of ones eyes to follow her down the beach.  However, seeing a ‘hot’ male body on the beach, the response was something like “oh, he must work out” – and nothing more.

But now, as a woman, having been on hormones for more then 5 months, the first thing the I think of when I see a ‘hot’ woman in a bikini on the beach is:  1) nice body (but not in a sexual way), 2) what is she wearing, 3) humm, nope, I could not wear that, 4) nope, I’ll NEVER be able to wear that, 5) I wonder what her personality is like.

When a see a ‘hot’ bodied male on the beach my initial reaction is: 1) nice body (again, not in a sexual way) and 2) I wonder what his personality is like.

Now, the only thing that has changed with me is a very low testosterone level and an elevated estrogen level (compared to a cis-female) – in other-words hormones.   I’ve heard others talk about the ‘testosterone fog’ of which this is just one aspect.  Even back then, I would describe having a ‘male’ shield around me that only let in a portion of the energies of the outside world – almost like it was protecting the woman (me) inside.  But a fog not only obscures, it changes the perspective, the ‘light’ if you will and therefore influences the perception of the world outside.

And, like when the fog lifts, everything is much clearer and that is where I am right now.  Looking back, yes, I agree with so many other transsexuals regarding this ‘testosterone fog’.

I always looked at people in a ‘holistic’ way – a person is both body and personality, body and soul.  But before transition I had this conflict:  a female ‘hot’ body elicited this initial sexual attitude with a holistic view coming secondarily – the ‘fog’ ….

Now, understand this change in me, I will sometimes ‘experiment’ and try to see a person ‘sexually’ only to find that does not exist for me anymore.  What I see is the person – I am not attracted to a hot body now – only if the ‘package’ is complete and compelling would I be interested in meeting them – and then I would never take the initiative – they would have to say hello!  I still recognize a hot body – it’s just that is not a sexual response anymore.

And yes, I have always heard the female response described this way, or sort of this way.  As I said, in a way, my former testosterone fogged being had that deep down inside (and was conflicted).  I suppose it’s like the difference between ‘knowing’ something versus knowing about it experientially.

With aloha,

Sifan

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Month 5 Summary

Posted on October 21, 2013 by sifankahale

Sifan 20131021Just got the automated call that tells me to pick up my next month’s supply of hormones from the pharmacy – must be the start of month 6 !

This last month saw a settling in, a becoming more comfortable and some ‘internal’ changes.

My inclination is to say “wow, five months already” and that is a true feeling.  I also vividly remember five months ago and how much anticipation I had and the amount of anxiety I had in starting this journey.  It’s strange how looking forward it seemed like forever and looking back it seems like it just happened, except that so much is packed into the ‘just happened’ space …  Here I am now, having those same feelings of anticipation and anxiety plus the feelings of how far I’ve come and how much has been accomplished.

I’ve had some clarification on the whole ‘gender/natal sex/internal sex’ conundrum.  I had used the term ‘body map’ to describe this previously.  I just read “Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity” by Julia Serano where she describes this as ‘subconscious sex’ which is very much where I was going.  Well, this is the subject of another post, see:  “Body Map“.

Comfort is a subjective thing of course.  In a lot of ways I’m more comfortable in public – exposure being out as a woman and time being in public help immensely.  That’s not to say I don’t get those moments when I still feel awkward or times I just do not want to go into a certain store (for example the car parts place…).  Which is a bit strange considering there are opposite situations as well – a couple cases in point from this last month:

We had the Maui Pride (LGBTQ) day this last month.  This was my first attendance.  My partner and I went and had a great time.  It was special for me of course.  I identify as both the ‘T’ (transgender) and the ‘L’ (lesbian).  It was wonderful to be accepted and we both felt it to be very freeing and loving.  We held hands and had arms around each other most of the time – we even kissed (in public!) under the gate as we left.

Last month I had purchased a halter swim suit top to ‘solve’ my beach ‘issues’.  Well, this month I purchased the matching bottoms!  So I now have a bikini !!  Now, timing in transition is everything – I would not have attempted this before (and well, I’m probably on the edge as far as doing this now).  But with my flatter tummy, budding breasts, slight curves, fuller hair (although not anywhere the length I would like yet) I am passable.  So, I did it.  The first time I went to the beach by myself (my partner was not feeling good that day).  The second time, my partner came with me.  She watched everyone else as I took off my beach dress, exposing myself in my bikini and sauntered down into the water – no one stared.  She noted that I probably look better than 20% of the woman on a Maui beach (tourists feel that being here on a beach is their one chance to wear a bikini – something they would not do back home).  She said I definitely ‘passed’ (yayayayayayay) and she felt good holding hands with another woman who was in a bikini as we strolled down the beach !

Wow, talk about getting more confident in public …. (and no, I’m not going to post those pictures).

Ok, changes this month:

I think my breasts look smaller (ack) !  There has been a lot of soreness.  It seems that they have shrunk but at the same time they are much more firm and solid.  On further inspection they seem to have also grown laterally, a larger circumference, but not outwardly.  I wear a support bra that ‘brings ’em in’ and gives me a nice profile, but without that I look flatter than I was before (from the side, from the front they have additional size – sideways).  The doctor had also recommended taking an over the counter progesterone that I might think about.  It’s suppose to ease some of the soreness as well.

My skin is softer – one of the effects is the generation of a subcutaneous fatty layer just under the skin.  Both my partner and I have now noticed that.  Along with that the hair on the rest of my body (not the face however) is starting to change:  softer, lighter and in some places not as much.  I am shaving my arms and legs about once a week, tummy and chest about once every two days, back about once a month.

I had my last facial hair laser treatment this month.  There was a different technician this time and she did a lot more and used a higher strength.  It was more effective but was a bit harder on me.  Still it was not beyond me – I would rate it a 3 or 4 on the scale of 10 for pain.  I could get away with shaving my face once every two days (and do sometimes) but depending on what I’m doing that day (like work) I’ll shave – this usually turns out meaning I shave everyday during the week but skipping a day on the weekend.  I checked out a hair electrolysis  place and will start that soon.  Most of the facial hair that is left is white – so only electrolysis will work.  This was my original intent – use laser to get rid of as much hair as possible and then ‘clean-up’ with electrolysis.

Ok, as usual, the largest perceived change for last – internal changes:

I read about this, others I know have talked about this – so I was ‘on the alert’ so to speak.  It sort of crept up on me slowly – imperceptibly.  I had mentioned before that others had noted I was moody at times now (and this is different than I was before).  Now I’m noticing other things:

I drove home from work and smelled someone cooking outdoors – a pleasant smell, nothing unusual.  Except that as I traveled the smell got a bit stronger – not much.  In total, I had noticed the smell almost 3 blocks before and about 2 blocks after.  I’ve never had a sensitive nose before.  By the way, it was not intense or out of the ordinary in any way.

About 3 weeks ago I started to notice the scent of the women’s restroom – ‘not’ a restroom smell but a female scent.  I notice this every time I use one now.  Unfortunately I can not compare this to a men’s restroom because I did not have this sense of smell then, so there is no way of comparing and I’m ‘not’ ever going back into one either!

The most lovely new ‘scent’ experience is the smell of my partners neck !  How wonderful it is to have this type of additional connection to the one I love.

My partner and I were at our therapists, I was talking about some of these latest internal changes and mentioning an increase in wanting to feeling textures when I caught myself running my fingers along the bottom hem of the blouse I was wearing !  I guess subconsciously I was proving my point,  I always appreciated color and texture but now I have this want or need to hold or touch things and feel their texture.

Before transition, I had mentioned (complained) that I felt I was behind a curtain that allowed maybe 1/10 of the surrounding sensations (some people call this ‘energy’) to come through.  In some ways it was like my former male self was protecting me from the rawness of the environment.  It’s hard to describe how I knew this – it’s like there were a number of clues that there was a lot more there that I was not able to receive or that what I was feeling/receiving was muted.

Well, ya – it was.  This is another one of these internal changes that came on slowly, imperceptibly – one that perhaps only hindsight sees clearly.   This now manifests in a number of ways.  One is being more sensitive and being effected by things that never bothered me before or that I just would not have paid any attention to.  Another is being a bit more critical of things or actions.  I would have either never noticed before or if I did, I would have instantaneously ‘written them off’ and not be bothered at all by them.  Now, I notice and I have to consciously  deal with it – whether I still ignore them or not – I now have to make that decision.

Whether all of these are effects of the hormones or not, I don’t know.  From my perspective it sure seems like it is.  One thing stands out very very clearly – hormones are very powerful – one really needs to be under the watchful eye of endocrinologists, therapists, and gp’s.

My perception of men has changed too.  I suppose it’s better to say that this transition has explained for me what influences I had been under and explains a lot of my behavior, feelings and actions before my transition.  Switching genders gives a person a huge perception into not only gender, but sexuality, society, politics and the list goes on.  Suffice it to say that I look at men differently now, with more understanding and acceptance actually.

Well, it’s been said many times that a transsexual really does not know how much they are what they are until they get a ways into their transition.  It’s at this time that we start to pull everything together and our lives become congruent – our ‘subconscious sex’, gender expression and societies acceptance of gender – start to match up.  Only then do we start to see and understand the depth of our previous disconnection and finally now be able to understand, to feel ‘right’, ‘connected’, happy and possibly the only word that comes close:  comfortable (again, I do not like that word because it has a connotation of ‘not something essential or necessary for life’ – in this case it is very essential – just look at the suicide rate for transsexuals).

For me, this is re-affirming of who I am and that I have finally solved a life long struggle.

With so much aloha,

Sifan

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Body Map

Posted on October 21, 2013 by sifankahale

human_body_large

From the research I’ve read regarding gender, natal development and social gender, I assembled my own personal summary or explanation that I use when talking to others that are trying to grasp what transsexualism is about.

I’ll post some of the research links below and they are listed in the ‘links‘ tab as well.

The concept is this: at about the sixth week natal development stage, natal sex differentiation occurs.  That is, we develop from a somewhat androgynous female precursor fetus into (normally) a male or a female depending on the constituent DNA (X’s and Y’s) expression.  At this time there is a rush of androgens plus the differentiation.  If the timing of these two events is correct, then it results in a ‘cis’  (the person’s natal-birth sex matches their internal idea of what sex they are) gendered fetus.  There is also evidence of an altered gene found in transsexuals that prevents or diminishes testosterone’s effect on the brain.

Intersex’ed  individuals occur when there are ‘extra’ X’s or Y’s in the DNA expression resulting in ambiguous or hidden sex organs.

But for transsexuals like myself, the theory is that this timing between differentiation and androgen rush is slightly off resulting in the body developing one way (male in my case) and the brain remaining female (not changing from the precursor female fetus).   One study shows that a lower region of the hypothalamus is statistically larger in women than in men and that a M2F (male to female) transsexual’s hypothalamus matches a woman’s.  And then there is a new study that found a particular gene in transsexuals that diminishes the male hormones effect on the brain – leaving it female.

Now, here is where I put a couple of things together ….

We are also born with a ‘body map’.  There are many accounts of people who have lost a limb and can still feel it.  Some can even articulate where their non-existent fingers or arm currently resides – as if it is still attached.  This map has been located – you guessed it – also in the hypothalamus, although I am not sure if in the same part of it.

I contend that this body map is much more than a ‘map’ of where the brain thinks everything is and what it ‘has’.  For sure it is a map of what it ‘believes’ it has.  For one thing, this explains why my male organ “down there” did not belong.  Even as a very young child (as one of my earliest memories) I knew that it did not belong on me.  It also helps to explain bodily feelings etc. that I had that were definitely ‘not’ male.  My partner is able to bring me to a ‘mild’ orgasm that is not centered there, is not male’ish but rather whole body-centered.  It is obvious enough to my partner that she would mention it and be somewhat amazed by it.

But I think this map is much more.  I think it encodes our general sense of who we are.  It can still be thought of as a map, but with it’s functionality extended to encompass our internal concept of what sex we are (and I’m sure a host of other things as well).  Notice I’m being very careful not to use the word gender ….

Gender is a very confusing term.  From what I’ve read and people I’ve conversed with, it seems most of us that are transsexual agree that gender is just not ‘it’.  We have a general feeling that gender is ‘not’ the defining ‘thing’ that differentiates a transsexual from a ‘cis’ (natal or birth sex matches their internal sense of what they are) person.

From Wikipedia: “Gender is the range of physical, biological, mental and behavioral characteristics pertaining to, and differentiating between, masculinity and femininity.  Depending on the context, the term may refer to biological sex (i.e. the state of being male, female or intersex), sex-based social structures (including gender roles and other social roles), or gender identity.”  It’s original use was to distinguish between biological sex and gender as a ‘role’.

In other words it’s a ‘role’ – a collection of traits, defined by society, that collectively on average define what it means to be either male or female.  This falls apart rather quickly if you investigate individual traits – suddenly none of them are all that unique – and there are too many exceptions to allow any consensus.  I found this out the hard way as I’m sure any transgender person does when they attempt to give example from their life history that would prove their situation.  I even had people use this to attempt to prove otherwise:  “Well, you fixed cars and are a scientist!”  I gently explained that one of the best mechanics I know is a women and that many of the scientists I work with are women …..

My transsexualism is not a role.  It comes from something inside, something deep that was always present.  I did not learn it.  It feels to me that gender is the match-up of how we express ourselves – it’s the cross between either our natal sex and society or our internal ‘body map’ and society or more likely all of the above.  Roles, traits and behavioral characteristics are all interpreted by society – usually in a very binary fashion (male or female).  Transsexualism is something underneath all that.  It manifests itself perhaps as gender, as what society sees and interprets as male or female, but the underlying cause or force behind this is intrinsic, what I call part of the body map.

I just read “Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity” by Julia Serano where she describes this as ‘subconscious sex’ which is very much where I am going with this.  Julia has an entire chapter devoted to explaining the subconscious sex. It’s worth a read for anyone interested.

Well, all I can say is that was a very re-affirming experience.  I hope this helps others understanding themselves and perhaps helps explain it to our friends, allies and families.

With much aloha,

Sifan

Gender Orientation: Intersex Conditions within the Transsexual Brain  

Sexual Differentiation of the Human Brain: Relevance for Gender Identity, Transsexualism and Sexual Orientation

Scientists Discover Transsexual Gene

 

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Month 4 Summary

Posted on September 29, 2013 by sifankahale

Sifan 20130912Wow, starting my 5th month already, it seems to be going faster and picking up speed …  I’m even reminiscing with my partner about how hesitant and timid I was when I first started.  How difficult it was for me in public and how I worried about everything and everyone.  Not that I’m completely over that now, but I have come a very long way.

One turning point was when I suddenly realized that I looked more like a woman that has ‘manly’ features than a man trying to be a woman.  This mostly came about as there were a number of times when a sales clerk would look at me sympathetically.  There were other situations as well.  All in all, mentally, for myself, it put me much more at ease knowing this.  Since then I have been much more comfortable and secure in public.  I have been shopping and walking and just being in public more often and without my security blanket (my partner).

I have started noticing guys, watching them a bit and realizing what they are doing or responding to and how they are.  And I realize: I never was one.  I also see and understand clearly the facade I was putting on and the how hard I was acting in order to pass as a man back then.  But more importantly I am so happy to not have to do that anymore.  Plus it also reconfirms who I am and that I’m finally on the path to be ‘me’.  I feel so relieved, such a weight lifted – I can now just express myself freely – not afraid to giggle when I need to giggle!  I’ll write a post detailing what I mean by maleness or at least what facade I see that I was wearing – if I can figure out how to express that in words (I need to translate my feelings at those times into words, for this, it might be difficult).

The first huge event this last month was flying to southern California to visit my partner’s brother.  The airline tickets were purchased long before I had my name changed and getting that resolved was interesting and wonderful.  I had to go into the airport to the counter for that airline to present my documents.  But because they are only open when a flight is departing, I had come back a few times.  When I did, I was helped by one of the managers.  At first, she was going to charge me for the name change and since it’s a different name I was also going to be charged for a flight change (didn’t quite get the logic of that)!  A number of calls to their HQ and finally she got the tickets changed to my new name plus their records changed to my new gender as well.  Finally after we finished (she could see how stressed I was with all of this), she congratulated me on my change and wished me well, but then came over the counter and gave me a hug (and she did not charge me at all)!

Going through security at the gate was no problem.  After being scanned I was waved over to an inspector (a female!) and she said “you are good to go ma’mm, have a great flight” – I was beaming ear to ear with the ma’mm!  Once in California, we met up with my partner’s two brothers and one sister in law (wife of one of the brothers).  They all accepted me from the start (we knew each other for a long time already, but they have not seen me since I started transition).  It was ‘classic’:  they held doors open for me, let me go in first, the guys talked to each other and we women talked among ourselves.  They would tell stories and try to top each others stories – typical.  I had no inclination to tell any stories or join in on their manly pursuits.  More interestingly, as I said above, I recognized these ‘traits’ and I felt so good not to have to join, or be expected to be a part of that ‘maleness’ – instead, it felt so natural to be in a group of women and expressing myself openly and freely and being accepted.

The Institute for Astronomy where I work was planning for their annual open house.  We all volunteer.  At the planning meeting one of the women in my department told about a wonderful presentation I had put together and basically ‘volunteered’ me to give one of the talks.  Ummm ….. I’ve been on HRT for 3.5 months, went 100% femme just 2 months ago, had not really practiced my voice that much yet …..  this was both daunting and a challenge.  The coordinator came up to me afterwards (he knew this was going to be a challenge for me) and asked if I really wanted to do this.  I told him this would be a good goal for me to attempt.  Oh girl —- it was challenging…..

I had researched voice lessons and had downloaded a few and tried them.  But the one I finally settled on (it cost about US$ 130) was:  http://30daycrashcourse.com/  It has excellent instructions and guide/practice videos.  It steps through one week at a time.  Its uses a spectrogram (can download free ones for your computer) that allow you to visually see your tones and resonance.  It is also structured to bring your voice along at a pace that will both be comfortable (and prevent you from stressing) and also to train and retain the ‘muscle’ memory of speaking with the proper tone and resonance.  Now, I still have a ways to go, but this really helped.

The big day finally arrived – I was so nervous and stressed.  The people at work expected that and helped me both physically and supported me emotionally.  My Maui-sista (a woman I work with that has taken me under her wing as a sister) was selected to do all the introductions for the talks.  It was so comforting to have her up there introducing me and being there as I started.  We had about 50 people from the area show up for the talk.  It was also broadcast to the web where about 100 people from around the world had tuned in.  I gave a talk on what/how the observers use the telescope.  I used a 3D simulated model of the observatory in a virtual world where I took my avatar and walked them through a tour of the facility, then went through all of the actions the observers do.

It went great!  This was my first time ‘massively’ in public and speaking as well.  A number of the professors came up after and congratulated me both on the talk but also on achieving this milestone.  I also heard from a number of people that watched this on the web.  Here is a link to the video.

After the open house, three college students came back to where I was and sort of milled around a bit, not really saying anything but just hanging around.  Once everyone else left, one of them asked “so what made you change”?  I was not sure where this was going and everyone else had left …  I had met one of the guys before and knew him to be a nice person, so I answered.  Turns out, all three identify themselves as ‘gender questioning’.  One was definitely square in the gender middle, the other two more transsexual like myself.  Later I noticed that the guy I knew from before had toe nail polish on!  Wish I would have seen that to begin with – it was have eased my anxiety a tad …  We had a wonderful talk – I was about 1.5 hours late getting home that night.  It was wonderful, for all four of us, to have met and had this conversation and possibly future support.  You just never know … perhaps I’m now a role model !

As for physical changes:  My breasts are continuing to blossom … about every other day I get sore and they fill out a little bit more each time.  I’m noticing some of my hairs are white and soft – not enough though and I still have to shave ‘everything’.  The laser treatment on my face has helped a lot – I have to shave about every other day and if I forget, it’s not really that bad.  My partner noticed that my cheekbones are getting more prominent and my face is starting to change.  My bottom is getting a bit more rounded but the measurements don’t really show anything except my breasts.

I finally got my ears pierced  – they did both at the same time – two women, one on each ear – 1, 2, 3, pop and it was over.  I would not describe it as painful at all.  Of course I was promised chocolate truffles after and I do admit that had a major effect on ‘pain management’.  My partner is doing my hair every morning – she loves my hair and wishes hers was fine and manageable like mine.  She also does my eye brows, shaping and coloring them.

I’ve pretty much filled out my wardrobe.  I have plenty of options for work, around the house and for  going out – both casual and more up scale.  Now I need some ‘dirty’ clothes:  ones for working in the yard, on the car, or when I have to go up to the summit and work at the observatory.

This next month we are eagerly awaiting the results of a special legislative session to address marriage equality here in Hawaii.  We are hoping it will pass as we are planning on being married next May.  It is so exciting to be a bride!

With much Aloha,

Sifan

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Being ‘me’

Posted on September 29, 2013 by sifankahale

man-womanJust today, my partner wanted to talk – she felt conflicted.  She felt that she had to ‘be a man’ for me – to allow me to feel more like a woman.  But that this was depriving her of feeling like a woman.  I think this really underscores the importance of open communications and checking one’s assumptions – often.

I explained that I am not looking for, nor want a man or the influence of a man.  If one has to use a label, then I would be dead center lesbian – I don’t want a man or someone being ‘manly’.  Plus, I am in love with her – all of her – ‘her’ traits – emotions – body/soul – everything.  I don’t want nor expect her to change, especially for me to feel more as a woman.  I want to feel – like ‘me’ – no facade – free to express myself and act myself.  That just happens to match what society calls or labels as a ‘woman’.

I think we need to just drop the male/female labels and not get hung up that being a certain way or having a certain trait means we are more masculine or feminine because of it.  Helen Boyd’s “She’s not the man I married” goes into this in exquisite depth.  Forget about labels – there are far more exceptions then any cohesiveness to them.  Going through a transition, especially before starting one, we want to be everything female, somewhat blinding ourselves to our own reality.

I think this is necessary:  old Chinese proverb:  “the student must reject the mentor in order to excel and move forward”.  I think we first have to reject maleness and embrace what we see as total femininity to make those first steps, to clearly define what is and what is not.  This allows us to break the life long facade we held up and to identify it as such and see it clearly.

However,  this is an extreme – the pendulum is far over to one side, opposite of where is was – the extreme other side.  At some point it is imperative to center it, to center ourselves, to become not some idealized non-existent reality that no natal woman can even achieve, but to come back to ourselves – to explore and find who we are and then be that.

After all, that is what started this journey: we were not who we authentically ‘are’ and needed to change.   Now, if that means you are good at and enjoy car mechanics before, then do that now!  That was part of you.  Forget the labels, forget that’s a ‘masculine’ trait – its just a trait, a capability.  (By the way, one of the best mechanics here on this island is a natal woman ….. )

So, my partner and I have come to an agreement and understanding – we both just want to be ourselves – so let’s just do that.  She was missing the male that I used to be, but upon further exploration, she saw that those traits and capabilities were still there.  She wants to be the woman she is – and that is exactly who I fell in love with and need the most especially as I go through this transition and also through the rest of my life.

So, this journey is about being the authentic ‘me’ – not the facade I put on before.  Society best describes the summation of ‘me’ as a woman – and that is what I am.  But more than that or any labels – I am simply ….. me !!

With much Aloha,

Sifan

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Restroom issues – revisited

Posted on September 5, 2013 by sifankahale

port-a-pottyWell, there was one woman at work that was on vacation when the original restroom issue was addressed and just now came back to work.  In my  previous post, I mentioned that there was a different woman that originally was ok with my usage of the restroom but then suddenly changed her mind and asked management to change the restroom to a unisex with a lock.  That resulted in management not only refusing (it would have been against the law actually) but they hand delivered (and posted) a pamphlet from Lambda Legal regarding a transsexual’s rights.  Well we had speculated that since these two were women were good friends  – that this was the reason for her ‘turn-about’.

Sure enough, the first day the ‘vacation lady’ came back, she talked to one of the woman in my department in the hallway – apparently trying to get all the other women behind her efforts to not have me use the woman’s restroom. She started by saying how ‘uncomfortable’ she was knowing I might be there.  My friend stopped her and pointed out the ‘LAW’ and the Lambda Legal brief on the bulletin board. Then ‘vacation lady’ said “well, I’m going to talk to management then” !!

So she went up to management and told him that she was uncomfortable with me using the woman’s restroom and that they should do something ‘special’ for me. He told her that was against the law, they are not allowed to single out trans-anything for special treatment. He also told her that it was within the law to make all employees ‘comfortable’ with restroom usage and that he could rent a port-a-potty ‘FOR HER’ to use out in the parking lot if she wished. She declined  …..

Glad I have this kind of support,

Sifan

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Getting Legal

Posted on August 26, 2013 by sifankahale

NameSigns

A huge step in transition is to choose a new name reflecting my life and appropriate gender and then going through the steps to make that official.  This is a very significant step as it solidifies who I am and proclaims my new identity.  Even better – I get to choose it !

Here is what I did.  I’ll explain how I came up with my name, the steps I had to take in this state (every state is different so you need to check out yours) and some stories along the way …  I’ll include the gender forms that I used for social security and the state here.

My given name, “Si Fan” (思凡) was given to me in Beijing.  It’s part of a full name they researched and had gotten officially approved (see my Beginnings post).  It’s part of a name that meant “One who thinks differently” – I was an instructor, so this was very special.  I have been using this name as a nickname for almost 10 years.  My middle name is the feminine equivalent of my given name at birth.

My partner and I are going to be married in about 7 months and decided that instead of one of us taking on the others surname, that we would choose a completely new surname – one that we both liked, had meaning to us and represented the culture and place that we have become a part of.

After researching and deciding on my name the next step was to submit the paperwork to the Lt. Governor (the process in my state).  They in turn investigate and if all is ok send back a ‘notice of change of name’ which then has to be published in the paper.  Once the paper sends a notarized affidavit back to the Lt. Governor, he then issues a ‘order of change of name’ that is also notarized.  I ordered 14 originals for all the additional steps I have to take.  However, so far every single place has returned my original – so at this point I still have all 14 !  I sent my gender letters from my endocrinologist and my therapist so that the state records would be updated and the paper would publish with the correct gender.

In my state, the DMV required that the social security card be updated first.  So I brought my certified name change, the SSI application,  plus the SSI form for gender change (copied below).  As the rules had just changed regarding gender change – the person I was with had to bring in her supervisor in order to figure this out.   They both congratulated me and wished me well in my new role.  I could tell they were sincere and happy.  It was in the federal building here that my partner pulled me into the woman’s public restroom – my first time and almost a catastrophe!  See the bottom of my post on “Using the woman’s restroom“.

Note:  nearly everyone wants to ‘see’ the actual social security card with your new name on it.  They said it would take up to 10 days for it to arrive via mail – but mine arrived about 4 days later.  As far as the social security office is concerned, they said their records were updated as I sat there.  So work, the bank, etc could have called to verify that very afternoon.  However, they all wanted to physically ‘see’ that card and I had to wait until it arrived.

The DMV required a form which I had filled out before hand but which they changed and I had to fill it all out all over again when I got there.  I also had to present the order of change of name.  They have a form for gender change that I had both my endocrinologist and my therapist sign.  However, this form said “State Identification” and not “Drivers License”.  It was the only form they had for this ….  Being bureaucrats they had to send this up the line all the way to the state capital as I waited.  I had suggested that I could simply cross out the “State Identification” and write “State Drivers License” and after 45 minutes of waiting, the instructions came back: “have her cross off “Identification” and write in “Drivers License” and sign under the change” — ack !! They take your picture at the site and print a 60 day temporary license.  They told me to call if I didn’t receive my license within 30 days.  30 days – ack!  I received it in the mail about 10 days later.   The person that was helping me was the supervisor.  I told her I was sorry to take so much time.  At this point she turned from being the typical stone cold supervisor to a smiling, happy person.  After we were finished we hugged across the counter and she wished me happiness in my new life!   Just like the social security card, some places will not accept the temporary license – they need to see the real license which means I had to wait for that to arrive before I could proceed.

At this point I now have my social security card and my new drivers license, both with my new name and my gender changed to female.

My work place required a photocopy of the ‘real’ social security card plus the certified order of change of name and I included the statements from my endocrinologist and my therapist for gender change as well (I gave them copies of the forms I used for the social security).  Work is a bit tricky – I have to go back and check everything to make sure all was changed correctly.  This includes health care, retirement accounts, 401k, work email address, web access to HR and the state, directories and listings, dental coverage, eye coverage, and FHS co-pay.  Basically look at your benefits and coverage plans and make sure all of them are changed.  Since I work on a different island than where HR is located, I also had to make sure the separate listing at our facility here were also changed – including the name on the door and phone.

The bank I use required the actual social security card, the real drivers license (not the temp), and the certified order for change of name.  As the license had my new gender on it – that was all that was needed to change my gender.  Make sure all your checking, savings and other accounts are changed and order new checks with new names on them.  One tricky part of this, is that my payroll check was coming in and no one knew if the change at work would be reflected in time for the next payroll.  So I had the bank put a note in the file just in case.  Of course any outstanding checks could be of concern as well.  In my case, I had my partner write all the checks for a month before, even though the bank assured me all would be accepted ……

We know the customer representative at the bank.  About two weeks before the change of name, I had been in the bank presenting as a woman and waved at her as we walked out.  Her face lite up with a huge smile!  She sort of knew I was transitioning but I had never officially told her.  So when my partner and I came in to do the name and gender change, she was so helpful and happy.  We had a huge hug afterwards!!

When changing your name you have to be very careful about timing and have alternative solutions in place – just in case.  A good example of this is an airplane trip we are taking in a few weeks.  We had to make the reservations long ago in order to get good tickets at a good price, but that meant using my old name because this was before the name change was even submitted.  I had called the airline to find out what I had to do and what options were available.  If my name change came in before my flight – I could simple go to the local airport counter and present my documentation and they would change it.  Worst case, if my name change came through at the last minute, I could use my passport (they suggested to not change that until after).  As it turns out, I had enough time to have the ticket changed – both name and gender.  The woman behind the counter was the supervisor and was able to get everything changed.  She was going to charge me both for a name change and a ticket change, but after working with me on all this (lots of calls to her supervisor and the main office) she told me she would not charge me.  She was wonderful – she stayed to help me even though everyone else was closing up and leaving.  When finished, I reached over to shake her hand and thank her – she grabbed my hand with both of hers, came over and hugged me and we had a tearful goodbye and good wishes — so wonderful!

Because we booked this ticket using a different (from the airline) booking agent – I went back to their website and made sure all the changes were reflected.  I also noticed that my seat assignments were missing and I had to redo those.  It pays to always double check on any or all changes!

I’m not sure what it is, but so far everyone has been extra warm hearted and helpful during this process.  I know it takes two to tango and I very happy for all the good wishes and extra support everyone has shown me.

I have also changed my email, (kept my old email addresses but have them forwarding everything to my new address) created new facebook, linkedin, twitter, youtube and pinterest accounts and invited all my friends to these new accounts.  I also changed my cell phone.

What’s left?  Well, insurance, car titles, utility bills (electric, cable, internet), magazine subscriptions, societies and clubs I belong to.  I have a separation agreement that is being converted to a divorce.  The other state involved just needs the order for change of name certification for that.

Which leaves the birth certificate.  If I would have been born in this state – all would have been taken care of automatically.  However, I was born in a different state.  I will be sending the change of name order, but I need to do additional research on what they require for gender change.  They do have the capability to ‘impound’ the original birth certificate which basically means I was always Sifan !  I’ll edit this post and update this with what happens.

I’ll close with a very important point:  because some places require the actual documents and other places take time to get you these documents – there is always going to be a transition time when you are half and half – both names.  If you need to prove who you are (airport security, traffic stop, etc), you need to carry a) photo id b) something to connect your two names.  In my purse, I carry a certified copy of the order of change of name along with my old work id (picture id) and my new drivers license (picture id).  I also carry letters from my doctors and therapist stating both names and my new gender.

This was my experience, in this state, under the conditions I stated above.  You need to research and plan your legal name changes under your specific conditions but I hope this gives you some ideas and things to think about to make yours smooth and less hassles.

With much aloha,

Sifan

Form for Social Security gender change:

(Physician’s Address and Telephone Number)
I, (physician’s full name), (physician’s medical license or certificate number), (issuing U.S. State/Foreign Country of medical license/certificate), am the physician of (name of patient), with whom I have a doctor/patient relationship and whom I have treated (or with whom I have a doctor/patient relationship and whose medical history I have reviewed and evaluated).
(Name of patient) has had appropriate clinical treatment for gender transition to the new gender (specify new gender, male or female).
I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the United States that the forgoing is true and correct.
Signature of Physician
Typed Name of Physician
Date

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Using the Woman’s Restroom

Posted on August 25, 2013 by sifankahale

Of course a major issue for a transsexual is which restroom to use and when to start or switch to using it.  For me this issue ranked up there along with ‘pass-ability’ in my decision as to when to start living full time as a woman (starting my RLE – real life experience).  And this is an especially important issue to be addressed and solved at the workplace where we spend most of our day!

There comes a point where we have progressed in our transition (hormone treatment) that we can no longer effectively hide our ‘blossoming’ changes and it becomes harder and more difficult to continue using the restroom we had been using but at the same time we are not passable enough to use the restroom of our target gender.  What a conundrum!

Let me explain my situation first, as this is a bit unique.  A number of events all came together to make this a bit easier for me than what one would normally expect.  As they say, your mileage will vary, but some of what transpired here may be of use to others that are transitioning…

I’m just starting my 4th month on HRT and my body has changed beyond where I can effectively ‘hide’ it.  The best way to describe the situation at work is to say I am in a department that is somewhat out of place in the building where we are located – meaning we are a bit isolated.  I had come out to everyone in my department about 1/2 year ago – but not to others in the building as there is little interaction.    That all changed, as recently we had an all building ‘sensitivity’ training during which I was asked to explain the difference between gender and birth sex, gender presentation and sexual orientation (this was planned….).  This of course effectively ‘outed’ me and of course that is what I wanted and was the perfect setting (sexual harassment and workplace violence training – with our top lawyers giving the training).

At this same time my name change and gender change documents came through (see “Getting Legal“).  I am now officially named and have a gender of female in my state, my drivers license, social security and at my employment and my bank.

All of these events came together: progressing to a point where I needed to present as a woman full time, fully out to everyone in my department and to everyone in the building, the decision to start my RLE and all my documentation is changed – name and gender.

What was left to resolve was the restroom issue!  I was counseled to find a way to manage this independently as our HR is on another island.  So a couple of the women from my department went around and talked to each women in the building individually, specifically regarding the restroom.  I had talked to the different managers at our site to make sure this was ok.  I would then go around and say hi to each person and make sure they were ok.  All was well ….  This was about 2 or 3 weeks ago.

Then last week, one of the women, who is there only part time and usually during the morning when I’m not there, went to one of the managers and requested that the upstairs woman’s restroom be converted to ‘unisex’ with a lock.  Last Thursday was the first chance I had to say hi to her and she politely told me she requested this and gave me the following reasons:

– if we didn’t know you ‘from before’ …..

– you (meaning I) might feel uncomfortable if a woman in the next stall is having a period ….

– during public events outside people might be uncomfortable

For one, I’m an elder person – I know/have seen/been there – and how ‘dare’ she speak for me and what I might be uncomfortable with.  As far as outside woman using our facilities, I am 100 % presenting now and using public restrooms where ever I am.  As for knowing ‘who I am before’ – exactly when do you ‘not know’ and it becomes ok?  And finally as for converting that restroom to a ‘unisex’ with a lock – not only is that an inconvenience to others here, but in one way it’s sort of a slap on my face – a denial of who I am.  Furthermore, my documentation now states I’m female, I have started my RLE and it would be even stranger if I were to use the men’s room at this point!

Well, independently and unknown to me, the managers she went to, consulted with their higher authorities and came up with a brochure from Lambda Legal regarding a transsexual’s restroom rights and not only posted it on the main bulletin board but hand delivered a copy to this woman!

Now, my recommendation based on all this, is not to handle this internally, no matter what the situation is with your HR.  But to ask/demand that HR put out something official stating their policies.  Now, I do admit, I work for the state and there are policies that cover this and protect me – so you need to find that out for where you work first.  But after that – this is HR’s job, not mine or yours.  I am very grateful to the women who stood up for me, that fought for me and for the managers for taking action when they needed to.

20130812_112007

I’ll close with a cute story and an explanation of the accompanying image.   Back a few weeks ago when I first started my RLE we went down to the federal building to change my social security name and gender.  We parked in their garage and took the elevator up.  When we got out my partner asked if I had to use the restroom – not expecting what she was up to I said yes.  Then before I knew what was happened, she grabbed my hand and yanked me into the woman’s restroom which I had not noticed that we were standing in front of!  This was my first use of a public woman’s restroom…  It gets better:  we are using the stalls next to each other and she moves her foot over to touch mine – under the partition.  We played footsie in the woman’s bathroom stalls !  The she asks if I have my cell phone camera and states it would be great to have a picture of this.  It gets worse:  just as I take the picture, there is a sound as if someone else entered the restroom – then my phone decides it wants to use the ‘flash’ – ack !  So now I’m facing the situation where this is the first time in a public woman’s restroom, someone else might have just come in there, and I just took a ‘flash’ picture —- in the restroom.   Geeeesh.  Well, no one else was in there except us (must have been some building kind of noise) and here is the picture to prove it !

With much aloha,

Sifan

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Month 3 Summary

Posted on August 25, 2013 by sifankahale

This was my most significant month so far as changes go.  So much occurred this last month!

Sifan 20130816

The largest change was starting my RLE (Real Life Experience) – living full time, everywhere as a woman.  The event that triggered this was picking up my partner when she returned home (see my post “A daring surprise for my partner“).  Having my eye brows shaped and my hair styled not only allowed me to more clearly see how I have evolved physically and could finally ‘see’ the woman in me starting to bloom on the outside, but it also gave me the confidence to go full time.

This coupled with the sensitivity training at work (see “The Girl Card” where I was asked to explain transgender terms to our entire staff) gave me the opportunity to fully come out to the rest of the people at work.  This of course led to the “Use the woman’s restrooms” post.  Another major ordeal was “getting legal“.  I’ve been busy posting this month too!

I had planned to start my RLE in November as that would have been 6 months HRT and from the research I had done, that seemed like the proper time for a lot of the physical changes to have occurred and theory was I would be more passable.

However, I did not count on these changes happening sooner.  So much so that I had somewhat the opposite problem:  I could not hide the changes that were occurring!  My hair is longer, my breasts are larger (they show even if I bind them) and my face and body shape are changing as well.   When I had my brows shaped and my hair styled – poof – I was over the edge.

Granted – I do not consider myself ‘passing’:  my hair has a long way to go, my face is better – very little black hair left because of laser (but now I can see the little white hairs) and I have a long way to go with voice training.  I am getting a lot of hugs and well wishes, as I mentioned in the “getting legal” post.

So, I’m 100% living as myself – a woman.  The change in my day to day feelings and my interactions with others, especially at work, are wonderful.  I’m able to let go of the male facade and just be.  It might seem silly, especially to someone that does not have gender issues and it’s hard to explain, but the type of freedom and exuberance I feel is so great.  It has to do both with me internally, but also with society and how I’m seen and for the most part accepted.  To authentically be one’s self and to be seen and treated as such (and in a number of my relations – to be admired for taking these step) is an awesome thing.  I am very happy and content that I undertook this and have come this far with so many wonderful people around me.

Ok, now for the details on what has changed in this last month – I’ll break this down into external and internal this time:

Externally there have been a number of significant changes.  Most obvious are my breasts.  One of the signs they are growing is that the tube dress I like (has optional straps) I can wear without the straps now – it stays up just fine.  But they are hurting as they grow (ummm more like soreness – not a really bad kind of hurting).  I will get spots that become sore and a day later I’m larger there.  I started on the outsides, then they grew above the nipples, then on the insides (I have cleavage now), and then on the bottoms.  Then they were very sore directly under the nipples.  Each starts with a hardness, almost a lump (got me worried – but my doctor said it was ok and expected) that was sore and that slowly softened over a few hours and by the next day I was larger in that area.  Right now I have this hardness deep under each nipple and this is the sorest I’ve been so far.

Another big change regarding my breasts are their – ummm, how to say this politely …., they are ‘stimulatable’ … as my partner aptly proved one day – I darn near levitated ….  I had no sensations there before, so this is a big and obvious change (obvious to me…).

I’ve been losing weight and that plus the effects of hormones are having an effect.  My tummy is flatter and my bottom is ever so slightly filling out resulting in the appearance of some small but noticeable curves.  My woman’s jeans and pants are fitting very nicely now and some tops are able to emphasize those curves!

My face is starting to change as well.  I can just notice a difference from before.  It is losing its hard masculine features and everything is getting much softer.

Shaving:  legs and arms I shave about once a week, tummy and chest about every two day and I shave my face about every two days as well – more often depending on what I’m doing that day.

I’m not using cosmetics except for filling in my eye brows, coloring the slight grey/silver hair in two small spots by my ears and sometimes I’ll wear lipstick.  Daily I will blow dry my hair in such a way to give it lift, style it a bit and set it with hair spray.

Internally this is the first month where I have noticed any changes and ummmm, others have too.  I was always over reactingautomatically accommodating – to a fault.  Since my problems coming out to my oldest son, I have eased up on that quite a bit.  I no longer accommodate but now will openly question situations.  My partner used the word ‘bitchy’ at one point and ‘your hormones are acting up’, but then explaining that I’m being more sensitive and at some times ‘touchy’, reacting more strongly than the situation would seem to warrant – and then she added: “like a woman having her period”!    Others at work have been more diplomatic but basically said that more often I’m discussing things, being more assertive, questioning more and not being overly accommodating as I used to be.

The other internal change is harder to quantify.  Before I could sense when I felt ‘male’ or did a ‘male’ type of thing.  That has completely gone away.  I suppose it’s one of those things that are best seen – perhaps only seen – with hind sight.  All I can say is that testosterone, like estrogen, is a very very powerful agent.  I’m not sure which of these or all of these internal changes are due to what, but I can definitely say it is such a huge relief being done with testosterone (more accurately:  being on a low to normal female level).  I’m having a hard time trying to find the words to describe this.  It’s like there is no longer this need or drive to be alpha, to know everything, to solve everything or to be the one everyone looks to.  I now feel like I can rest in my true nature – a supporter, a friend, a confidant and a nurturer.  I love being protected, being taken care of, having someone hold the door open for me and just the smiles and hugs of companionship with other women.  In one way, it is so much a load off my shoulders and in another it is just so wonderful to be accepted for who I am – my real authentic self.

With much aloha,

Sifan

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A Daring Surprise for my Partner

Posted on August 10, 2013 by sifankahale

20130807_165046Prelude:

My partner went to the mainland for two weeks to settle and close out some old accounts.  She will be coming back in a couple of days.  I was trying to think of something special to do at the airport when she gets off the plane.

For me, this last week has been an awesome week, both at work and elsewhere.  We had training in sexual harassment in which I was asked to explain gender – all the women from my department surrounded me in that training and supported me.  For the first time I dressed feminine at work and was received well.  The ‘alpha’ male was out on vacation when we had a number of critical failures at the observatory – another woman and myself were able to fix these and be back on sky each night.  When he came back to work he commented (in a very nice way) that the “two wahine’s” had everything under control (wahine = woman in Hawaiian).  That was given as a compliment, he was proud of us.

I met with my therapist and discussed these events.  We both agree that perhaps I will move up my RLE (real life experience – living as a woman full time) from Nov. to now, given that my confidence and comfort are getting to a point where I feel I could handle that.  With the help of two of the women at work we addressed the remaining issues (like restroom usage) with all the other women in the building.  My boss said he will give an all hands party whenever I would like in order to officially announce/celebrate my coming out.

So, what you may ask, does all this have to do with my partner coming home …..

Before she left, we both looked at this gorgeous long black dress, halter top but with a plunging neckline and it has silhouetted flowers stitched in down one side in white.  Well of course I bought it after she left !  For my birthday she had given me a silver jeweled key on a necklace which goes beautifully with this dress.  I also bought an open sweater to cover my shoulders and upper arms plus small hoop silver earrings to go with the necklace.  I wore this to my therapist appointment to get her opinion on the feasibility of meeting my partner at the airport – as in walking through a crowded airport and waiting for her to de-plane!

So we talked about my level of comfort and also backup plans (like having something more androgynous in the car and change if I feel like it).  But she did not see any reason after discussing this with me why I shouldn’t go forward – in fact she encouraged me.  Not only that, but she called up a friend of hers that will do my makeup and hair on that day!

For me, this will be ‘huge’.  Already, this was my first time purchasing a dress and sweater by myself, first pair of earrings and the biggest first of all – first time ever going out in public (an airport – geeeesh) in a dress – a very beautiful dress.  Not only that, we are going out to eat at a fancy restaurant after.

For two weeks now, I have been debating whether or not to do this.  But at the same time preparing and getting everything ready.  Given the events of this week, I feel another turning point has been reached.  My comfort at work, at being able to be the ‘authentic’ me – communicating from my true being and having others respond to me – as a woman – has brought me around full circle to the ‘why’ I am transitioning:  to be authentic to my being, to have my outward and inward selves aligned/congruent and to be comfortable in my existence.

I can not post this until after my partner arrives because she reads these posts!  That means the last part of this will be written and posted after she arrives and you (and I) will see how this went….

Epilogue:

Nothing is ever simple – her plane was canceled and she was rescheduled for the next day.  I had to quickly reschedule all my appointments (some with people that were very busy and had fit me in to begin with).  Then the next day, her plane was delayed and she missed the 2nd flight to Honolulu, pushing out her arrival time from 5 pm until almost 9 at night.

Two of the women at work plus my therapist and the woman that hosts our transsexual’s support group gave me amazing support.  One woman at work wrote: “whenever I do something over the top – I feel it, I own it, I be it – because we ‘can’ ” !  That was the best advice and the perfect advice I needed.

One of them paid for me to have that makeover (as it turns out, two of them knew this person).  I went in at 3 pm and had a great time with a wonderful woman that did an awesome makeover.  Not only colored and styled my hair, but waxed my eyebrows, eye makeup and facial and lips.  This gave me the confidence to go through with the rest.

Well, the hardest part was coming home and waiting for the time to go to the airport.  My partner called to say she had landed in Honolulu and was just waiting for her third flight – to Maui. Still, it seemed like ages before I could leave for the airport.  As I was traveling down the highway, about 15 mins before she was to land I saw a plane coming from the right direction.  I watched it land as I drove down the mountain knowing it was her plane, but getting worried that now I might be late getting there!  Turns out her plane was early.  I parked and was just getting the leis out of their boxes when she called me from inside the airport – she was coming down stairs to the main hall so I had to hurry and get in there.

As I crossed the road in front of the airport, the light was about to change, so a policeman used his light wand to keep the traffic stopped until I made it across – nodding to me as I pasted him (giggles, that was a first).

As I entered the main hall I saw her just starting to walk towards me so I veered off and stood on the side of the entrance into the main baggage hall as she came up.   When she came up to that entrance she was totally surprised and sooo happy!  She couldn’t believe how beautiful I looked (her words), and was amazed at the dress I was wearing.  She said she had seen a woman off in the distance that sort of looked like me!!

The confidence I felt from the makeover carried through the entire time.  I was not nervous walking into a crowded airport, partly due to the rush trying to get there in time.  However, I did notice some looks as this nicely dressed woman (me) reached over to grab two large and heavy suitcases and struggle to get them off the baggage belt!  At least I stayed true to form and struggled (well, they were heavy)!

After struggling to get the luggage into the car (it’s a bit different handling large heavy luggage wearing a long dress) I drove us over to our favorite Thai restaurant and my partner opened to door for me!  The waitress (who knows us from the many times we have eaten there) looks at me and smiles broadly.   We had our favorite appetizer – shrimp in peanut sauce along with a couple of deliciously cold Sing Tao beers.  Lisa had a curry and I had a delicious pork crispy noodle dish.   We had a lot of people smile at us.

When we got home, I noticed I had forgotten to bring up the garbage – ack!  All the careful prep for today and I missed this one item.  So in my beautiful dress I hiked the garbage up.  Now before, I would hide just behind the hedge row up there if a car or if someone came by.  Not anymore!  I now have the confidence and pride to be who I am and I just walked out there!

It’s now four days later – this experience has carried over and continues.  I have now talked to 98% of the people at work, I’m 100% presenting as a woman everywhere, using the woman’s restrooms and have now started my RLE (real life experience) four months earlier than I had planned.  As one of the woman friends at work pointed out – I’ve ‘grown’ beyond what I can hide anyways – might as well come out fully as a woman and “feel it, own it, be it”!

With much aloha,

Sifan

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