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The ‘Girl’ Card

Posted on July 31, 2013 by sifankahale

vector-card-girl8A lot of people going through transition will at some point experience what has been called “getting the ‘girl’ card” (MtF).  This is that magic moment when the friends around you (usually women) display some sort of public acknowledgement and acceptance of you as a woman.   This happens more than just once of course, but it’s that first time that is very special and memorable.

This happened in a big way for me today:  we had an all hands meeting where the lawyers from UH came to give us training in sexual harassment and work place violence.  About half a year ago I had requested they include something about transsexualism and was asked to write a couple of slides (Click this tab to see those slides).  But because this training was to address problems in the workplace they decided keep the focus to the current issues.

Just before we started, the presenter that I had been in correspondence with, recognized me and we had a huge hug!  She then quickly showed me that she did incorporate some points from my slides into her presentation.  About 1/4 of the way through the training, she purposefully asked the ‘audience’ if anyone knew the difference between birth sex and gender and what gender presentation and expression meant.  She told me later she had asked that just so I could answer!  Wow!

All the women from my department (plus a few others) sat all around me (they did that on purpose – they knew I had submitted those slides for this presentation).  So after I had answered her questions – suddenly there were 4 or 5 people all patting me (on my back, my arms) – just absolutely awesome.  What support and caring – not just for patting me but for purposefully sitting all around me.  Afterwords, the presenter mentioned the awesome support she witnessed by those around me.

Then later in the training, the woman behind me was picking something off my back (a hair or something).  When I turned around and smiled and thanked her – the other woman next to her said “oh, we were just snapping your bra” (this was in the crowded training room)!!  Both are woman I work closely with (one is my ‘sister’ that helps me with womanly issues that I face while transitioning).  Afterwords, I told another woman that I work closely with about the bra snapping and she said “oh, turn around let me see” – and then ‘she’ snapped my bra too!!

That – is what I call being given ‘the girl card’ …..

And:  the ‘alpha’ male in our group came up to me and politely asked which personal pronouns I would prefer and that he would try hard and please forgive any lapse he might make.

Plus:  the overall manager in charge of everyone on this site came up to me just before this meeting and asked what name I should now be called.

Ecstatically in tears,

Sifan

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Explaining MtF for the Cis-Female

Posted on July 6, 2013 by sifankahale

urlJust listened to a great interview with Lieutenant Colonel Cate McGregor on the Australian show One Plus One, in which she describes coming out as a transgender female.

In the quote below (link is below as well – this piece is at 14:50), she explains being a transsexual woman to the host.  She addresses one of the conundrums a natal woman has with understanding this.  This is something I have struggled to explain properly to many of my woman friends that I have come out to and is something I addressed in previous posts here on my blog site as well – although not nearly as eloquently as Cate does.

Umm, a quick refresher: “natal female” refers to someone who’s birth sex is female, “cis-female” refers to someone who is both a natal female and has a gender of female.  I am a transsexual: I’m a natal male with a gender of female – I’m not cis, I’m trans.

I hope this will help a cis-woman understand and grasp a transgender woman. For me the main point is the congruence of having one’s self being consistent:  mind/body/soul.

Cate’s outlook does resonate strongly with me.  Making it through mid-life (well for me a ‘wee’ bit past that), “before the intense need to live authentically.”  It’s great to hear someone else in the same situation but who has a wonderful tack for expressing this.

Cate’s addressing of authenticity of course riles some of the transsexual community:  “I don’t consider myself a woman, I’m transgendered”.  But in coming out to a fair number of the cis-women in my life, this was one of the issues almost always raised.  I like how Cate addressed this – “of course I do not have nor will have all the experiences of a natal woman” – but the main point is – that is ‘not’ the point!  The point is that she is congruent  – mind/soul/physical body, as she said “transition brought the reward of feeling that I was me at last”.

As my partner so aptly stated, for a cis-female, this addresses and I think answers or perhaps makes clear a basic conundrum, as it most certainly has for my cis-female partner.  As she puts it, being a woman is like a rainbow, there are all types – you can not tell where the red ends and the orange begins …  She does not think womanhood is divvied up into separate groups.

To say that you are natal/cis/trans is just a description, not a division, we are all women.  Like I stated in my other posts here – it’s equivalent to having red hair, it’s a description of part of the broad range of the human experience.  I’ve heard religious zealots declare a woman is someone who can give birth – excuse me – so females that are postmenopausal are not women?  Time for reality.

This is Cate’s quote from One Plus One: Lieutenant Colonel Cate McGregor:

“The grammar for transgendered feelings just does not exist. It’s incredibly difficult to explain what it feels like to be boiling over with the sense of being trapped in the wrong body and identity.

“There is a feeling that you are in a straight jacket, an unfolding nightmare.  I was sleepless for months on end, I was experiencing nightly panic attacks. I couldn’t see a way forward that offered any level of contentment.  It was a nightmare and ya, at some point I wondered how much more of it I could have endured frankly. It seems like a dimm memory now, it’s really interesting that once I actually surrendered to this and decided that I would do what I’m doing, I felt a real calm.  And as I’ve transitioned and been able to express myself as female, I have felt a baseline level of contentment that nothing can rob me of.

“I also need to put a caveat on this too, that I don’t consider myself a woman, I’m transgendered.  I’m living as a woman and that’s a capital AS, upper case AS.  I have to express myself as female – I have no other way of existing that feels authentic to me.  I haven’t been gendered the way other women have been gendered.   I’ve not lived with the constant threat of physical violence, I can’t bear children and there are women who can’t as well.  There is a whole range of experiences that I shall never have.  But, as a trans male to female woman I’m in a highly delineated group, so I don’t consider myself a woman in the sense you are.  But for me, it’s an expressive aspect that I need to live as female and I guess that is a long winded way of saying the transition brought the reward of feeling that I was me at last – whatever form that is.”

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One Month HRT

Posted on June 26, 2013 by sifankahale

metamorphosis_II_by_julmendOne month already!  I knew it was here because my prescriptions were out!  So this is sort of a summary of what its like after 30 days on hormones.

Executive summary:  Estradiol is working great, good results.  But Spirol (he was worried about low blood pressure and only put me on 1/4 the dosage) seems to be having only a marginal effect.

Estradiol:  I have already noticed four effects – some just marginally, in fact so small that I’m not sure and others, although still small, are noticeable (well notable at least).

Before my breasts were chest muscles and probably fat.  They have actually ‘shrunk’ – ack!   However, the texture and resiliency are very different.  The areola and nipples are the same size but now have ‘sensitivity’.  At times there were small lumps in the areola and on and off they were more firm.  I have also noticed that my sports bras are a bit more snug feeling and that I’m feeling my shirt or blouse more when I walk.  More than a few times when taking a shower or drying off I noticed that when my arms were out in front of me, that they were bumping or rubbing against the sides of my breasts or the front and I felt that!  My side profile has changed too – whereas before that tissue more or less was flat, now my breasts have a small but definite profile.

My buttocks seem to have a defined shape as well.  Placing my hands on my hips, thumb forward and fingers wrapped around behind, I noticed that I’m a bit more curvy there than before.  I have some woman’s slacks that before was a little baggy in the back that now fit much better.

I have been shaving my legs, stomach and chest and have noticed that my skin seems a bit smoother as well.  Especially noticeable is my forehead (which is not shaved or anything so therefore serves as a good benchmark).

And the last thing I have noticed is my body.  Others have described in their transition as feeling more feminine.  That didn’t quite explain it for me.  Yes, it’s a more feminine feeling day-to-day but I think the really big internal change is that the body is catching up to the ‘me’ that is inside it (mind and spirit or what ever you want to call that).  The body and the internal gender are starting to match – congruence.  It’s a wonderful feeling of having everything together, of everything starting to be ….. ‘me’!

Spiro: well here is where I’m not as satisfied, granted this is only 1 month.  About the only thing I can use as a measure here would be penile functioning and attendant physiology.  An oft reported effect is the lack of both the responsiveness and frequency.  Before I thought I had a problem with ‘frequency’ only to find out I was quite normal for a male.  Non-the-less this was something I did not want and couldn’t wait for it to abate.  Well, it has abated but not as much as I would wish.  I am still quit able there, it takes a bit long and is getting hard to accomplish.  So there is progress on that front.

I do see changes related to this as well. For example, before a bikini clad well shaped and sexy woman on the beach would arouse me. Now, I’m noticing whether that style of bikini suits her figure, would I wear those colors or that style and how is she wearing her hair. I also find myself comparing her figure with what I think I’ll have and then try to imagine what I could wear.

My orientation is to women – that has not changed, only now I would be considered a lesbian. I find that instead of a masculine arousal, I have a different kind of internal arousal. It’s still too new to describe. I feel more attracted to my partner then ever before. I want to please her and make love to her – but not in a masculine way at all, but more of a sensual giving manner. I also enjoy when she comes up behind me and hugs/caresses me, especially my budding form!

And I do have to admit, for the first time I find some men – ummm – interesting. I do not think anything more of this other then I can understand what other woman ‘see’ and ‘want’ in men. I can feel this now from a feminine point of view. Like I said, my orientation is to women, I am a lesbian, but I can understand (feel) the ‘stirrings’ a hetro-woman has.

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Appreciating One’s Self

Posted on June 8, 2013 by sifankahale

1017080_441532959286908_1263357140_nSomehow we hear advice or quotes on life and never really ‘hear’ them.  We can know their meaning but somehow that remains superficial:  it’s meaning not really soaking in.

The latest one for me is “appreciating who I am” and “living each day – being happy in one’s self”.

Feeling my feminine nature, being able to express that freely and then witnessing that – exemplifies this.  So often these are taken for granted and life just continues on.  So seldom do we actually stop and notice/witness who we are and just simply revel in this moment.

But, to then take this moment of witnessing and ‘allow’ it to progress to the next level – honoring the moment and one’s self – empowering us to suddenly create these break-through events where seemingly staid and oft repeated cliche reveal their deeper meanings – it then ‘soaks’ in …

It’s that moment when a smile comes up from somewhere very deep inside of oneself and explodes upon your face and the world brightens!

Smiling profusely,

Sifan

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Working on the ‘Inside’

Posted on May 11, 2013 by sifankahale

reflectingOne of the things my psychologist had commented on about me was that I was ‘working’ on the inside first and that now I was coming to the point where I was ready to work on the outside. I have seen a few (very few) others that were like me in this regard.

My partner and I were just talking about my situation.  I explained that my memory of school, where innocent questions were met with brutal force (Catholic school nuns), was a really huge event that modified me greatly – and that this was not a single event but 8 years of school.  That affects people in different ways: some take it that something is wrong with them, others just blindly give in, some fight it and are constantly in trouble, or there is me – I saw and recognized the ‘game’, how to play it and what the rules were.

I also knew that to survive, I not only had to play this game but that I had to keep ‘me’, my true beliefs and my being, private.  Anything that was being told or taught, I had to be sure to critically analyze and make sure it fit in with ‘my’ views or the world – eg. it had to make simple sense.  Life in an ultra conservative northern town in the 1950’s did not allow for even the possibility of a transsexual existence – let alone gay or lesbian. These concepts were not even known – at least to the general public of that time. Somebody that was strange or different (in just about any way) was simply queer – that term was not a gay term then – it just meant different – but the stigma was horrendous. The effect for me was like the school:  play the game but understand your own truth.

However, what was my ‘truth’?  There was nothing in that society or environment that even hinted at a self-identity that did not match ones birth sex – or anything that was transgender or gay/lesbian. Those things were censored from all news outlets – remember back then all channels were local, even TV when that finally came – same with the libraries. I was different, I fit in with the girls but I sure looked like a boy. So in my wee little mind the ‘game’ I learned in school applied to this situation worked its way like this: I was a boy but I had these ‘extra’ capabilities that allowed me to feel, understand (and be understood) and be part of the girls – actually part of both sexes.

This had the effect of layering on all these masculine traits and habits (testosterone did its share…) as I ‘played’ the game of being a boy/man. But inside I carried all my feminine traits, buried, but like school, these were kept inside as my own ‘truth’.  They were not labeled as such – because I did not have exposure to the full truth – to me they were just these added abilities/feelings/senses that no other boy seemed to have.

So, coming full circle, here I am:  these layers are peeling off and we are discussing internal and external transitions. I’m about 3 weeks away from starting HRT and reading/pondering these autobiographies of post transitioned women who are now dealing with being a woman internally – thinking, feeling, responding to the environment as a female.

Where am I?  Well, of course only time and transition will tell, but especially within the last year, I can tell when I did something ‘male-ish’.  Usually at the moment it’s happening I can tell.  I have told my partner and my psychologist a lot of times that I was definitely a women (I say I was very Si today or I had a Sifan day).  I don’t say that much any more because the majority of the time I am now coming from my womanhood.

I do agree with my psychologist (her statement above that I started out working from my internals).  From my childhood I learned to be appropriate and to that extent when I’m presenting as a male – I use those mannerisms.  I really enjoy when I am presenting as a woman, as for me it is natural and I can just allow myself to be ….. free.

Some of this understanding came from Second Life – a virtual world where as my avatar I can immerse in a world (and a society) fully as a woman.  Once I found a voice modulator that would change my masculine voice to a feminine one – it really opened my eyes!  Suddenly, there was my full range of expression, the giggles, the highs and lows, the intonation that was hidden in the male voice.  It was ‘me’, it was the me that I knew was there, it was freeing.

THAT is what transitioning means for me – allowing the real me, my truth, to come out, to be seen and heard. Allowing me to interact with the world (and vice versa) the way I want to, to express my ideas and thoughts and feelings with the full impact how internally I try to, but becomes so buried in the masculine persona as to be muted and unnoticed. It’s like living inside a box, voice muted, plain features, muted expressions, on and on.

Since I have come out to the people I work with, I’m more able to be myself.  However,  because I’m pre-HRT and still presenting as a male in public, I’m careful to stay within those bounds.  But I do push the boundaries slowly and within what I believe is their comfort levels.  For example, I carry a purse and wear a bracelet.   Each month before I actually transition at work (about 6 months from now), I plan to ‘up the ante’ – still presenting as a male.  For example, getting my ears pierced, shaving legs and arms, wear more androgynous clothes, changing style of flippers/sandals, etc.

All of this allows me to be more of myself and allows me to shed more and more of the male persona that I had built up over my lifetime.

Working on the inside …….

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About My Transition

Posted on April 6, 2013 by sifankahale

Aloha !Metamorphosis_Titian-2012

This is a difficult (very personal and scary) thing for me to share.  I have seen and read many other accounts of people who have transitioned – those have helped me immensely.  But we are all unique, and my journey does not seem to fit others.  So, in hopes of helping others as well as documenting my journey – I’ve created this blog.

It has taken a long time – a life time – to get here, to a place where I understand who I am and now to be and live as myself.  It’s the end of a quest and the start of a journey.

I am a transsexual woman;  my gender is female and my birth sex is male (this is the official medical definition and its in my medical record).

This is not a choice, nor is it a lifestyle or even a preference. It took many years, with professional help, to find who I am and to finally merge all of my life’s descriptiveness, talents, sensitivities and general outlook on life into a deep understanding of self. As that phase progressed, it was my maleness that started to fall away, like layers of an onion.  Rather than becoming a woman, I realized I am a woman.

As Sifan in a virtual online world (an avatar), I was able to see and experience who I am. Virtual worlds allowed me to be immersed, just like a paraplegic is able to dance, surf, climb and enjoy a life they could only imagine. My body does not allow me to express myself, to emote, to show my body language or to feel the way I ‘should’.  An over used metaphor is to imagine that you wake up tomorrow morning with the opposite body sex than you are now – however, ‘you’ (your being) remains the same.  ‘You’ have to put on an act all your life to be able to fit into society and its expectations.  I know what I am and I want that to come through.

Medical science now recognizes transgender/transsexualism as a pre-natal condition – occurring around the sixth week in-utero.  In other words this is one of many expressions of being human – has been forever.  In ancient societies transgender/transsexuals were the shamans and priestess:  we were seen as being able to understand and bridge genders and society – magic and power.  The 2012 DSM (medical standards) removed ‘disorder’ from transgender/transsexualism.  The problem is not who we are but instead it has to do with how we handle and respond to society (and critically, how society responds to us) when visually we are a particular sex but internally we are the opposite gender.

Transition is a slow process. Getting to this point in my life was even slower.  It’s a one way street.  It’s very serious, its critical, painful and part of the journey is not pretty.  I have done a lot of research, talked to doctors, psychologists and professionals plus other transsexuals that are both pre-op and post-op.  I now have a realistic visualization of myself post transition.  I also realistically visualize each step and maneuver along the way – some are definitely not pretty. “I” do not change – what changes is my body, my effectiveness in communicating and expressing myself and my comfort (comfort is a difficult word here – it is so much more) in being the real me. This will bring me congruence and consistency: embodiment. If you have had the experience of interacting with me as Sifan (virtual or real world) – then you already know what this difference is.

With kindness and Aloha,

Sifan

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Where I am – April 2013

Posted on April 4, 2013 by sifankahale

sifanHere I am, just starting my first blog!  Let me say a little about where I am in this transition.  My next post will describe a bit more of who I am.

As of this post, I have more than completed the required 90 day WPATH requirement to begin hormone treatment.  I expect HRT (hormone replacement treatment) to start on May 22.  Another requirement is to live fully as a woman for 1 year before GRS (gender reassignment surgery).  For the last year I have been fully immersed as a woman at home, Dr. appointments and at the transsexual support group.  I plan to wait until the HRT has enough of an effect (about 6 months) before coming out full-time to the world.

All my friends and the people I work with know about this.  However, especially at work, this will give them a 6 month period of time to gradually get used to my transition.

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