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Transition: Mental and Physical

Posted on October 4, 2014 by sifankahale

I just had an incredible experience: Dr. Suporn’s clinic staff make daily rounds between 10am and noon. I’m not going to mention her name because what I’m going to say applies to all of them.

This was her last time she was going to see me (as they take rotations and I’m leaving on Monday). So she took extra time to sit and talk.

This was unexpected – she thanked me for my positive attitude and optimism. I can only imagine the range of people and personal issues they have to deal with and this is what I want to share with everyone: this staff goes so far beyond just simple care, they truly are amazing. To me, this was a high complement – it’s also means that I really did touch others here – I hope I was able to make my trans-sisters more comfortable but also the staff and everyone else.

Yes, everyone has different experiences – but think about what the staff has to do (and what they have to put up with). And they do it with love and a smile!

You know – it’s sort of like my last post about being able to tolerate pain having a down side. Dr. Suporn’s surgery is (for a lot of us) almost pain free – it’s like little has happened. We get back to the hotel feeling so good and ready to party on the town, not fully taking into account the 7 hour surgery, 7 days in a hospital, etc. And then those that do, get in trouble.

I remember Dr. Suporn’s words about mentally relaxing and not worrying etc. that a lot of this has to do with the inside aspects of ourselves. And that brings up another huge issue: this is both MENTAL and PHYSICAL. You have to ‘solve’ both of these for yourself. His surgery solves the physical – if you are not mentally ready – after surgery you are now going to have to deal with the other half.

I was fortunate. I had a great therapist and worked on the mental aspects of this for more than 10 years. This surgery was the icing on the cake as they say. The night before surgery is when the final pieces of the physical aspects came into sharp focus. See “Why have Surgery” for more on that.

That was the big message the person from the clinic and I came to this morning – being prepared both mentally and physically for this.

And I really do hope that I shed cheer and happiness to those around me – to me, that is an important aspect of my life.

With much aloha,

Sifan
“Hoku Wahine” (literally: star woman, eg female astronomer)

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Why have Surgery

Posted on September 29, 2014 by sifankahale

This is something that happened the night before surgery.  I never doubted or questioned what I was doing.  I knew this must be done.  But there was a piece of the puzzle that was missing.  Now I know why.

The night before surgery, it all came to me.  I had spent so much time on the mental aspects and removing the layers of learned male behavior some of which disgusted me (the testosterone fog).  The piece that was missing was physical part.  “Why would surgery matter if you are already living as a woman?” type of question.

But the night before, my early childhood came back to me.  The memories of something wrong – it was supposed to be smooth down there, I was not supposed to have this thing sticking out.  This was long before I know anything of the sexes – I just knew it was supposed to be smooth.  In fact, I remember wondering how I could possibly urinate if it was smooth!  Then my sister was born and for the first time I figured out what ‘smooth’ was supposed to be.

Fast forward to the night before surgery and my discussion with the psychiatrist, my mind had pushed that out of the way so completely, yet the extreme dissonance remained all my life and caused just as much grief as the mental aspects.  But, just like the mental aspects, there were many layers of this physical part that also had to be removed – and that night before surgery it became clear.

After surgery I have to use a mirror when I do my ‘maintenance’ and the feeling of not only completeness but of wholeness is almost overwhelming.  It’s like being back to what I was (even though I never was this way) but that is the feeling – being correct and true and just ‘me’.  It is so wonderful, so incredibly ‘natural’ – I’m running out of words to describe this.

I’ve mentioned before about a body map, a part of the brain that sort of knows what you are, what you have, and where and what these parts are doing.  The example often given is of an amputee who not only still feels their arm but can tell you exactly where it is in relation to their body.  This body map for me is what tells me I’m female, both in the physical and the mental aspects.  The memory from my childhood shows this clearly – I didn’t know what I was supposed to have down there, only that this didn’t match what my body map had.  This is the HUGE relief I have now, when I do my dilation, etc. having to use a mirror and in contact with ‘me’.  It is what was missing, it is what inside me says is supposed to be there.  Now it is!!!!

With much aloha,

Sifan

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GRS and Recovery

Posted on September 20, 2014 by sifankahale

On September 11, I had my Gender Affirmation Surgery (as I and many others prefer to call it).  It was a 7 hour long surgery, followed by a 7 day stay in the hospital where I could not leave the bed.  I’ve now been back in the hotel by the clinic for 3 days.  They send nurses here to the hotel to keep track of our progress.

If there ever could be a pain free experience, this was very close.  The most inconvenience I had was my butt on that bed for 7 days and not being able to move except to turn partially to one side or the other.  That was bad but hardly anything to complain about considering this type of surgery.  I have a seat cushion (donut) that is probably the most important item in my possession at the moment!

One of the most valuable parts of this experience is of all things breakfast.  All the woman, pre and post operative usually come done at 9 am for breakfast.   It’s a large family and ‘everything’ is discussed – which is extreme TMI (too much information) for anyone else.  But for us it it invaluable.

The camaraderie, just being with others like oneself and learning of both our commonalities and our differences.  This is very international, I know I now have life long friends in Germany, England, Australia, France, the US and many other locations around the world.

Hearing the experiences of those that are further along then us is invaluable as well.  I have learned a lot and am able to be prepared for what comes next.

Hearing about and sharing issues and problems has also helped alleviate concerns.  For example, I had a bruise appear a day after leaving the hospital, but it turns out many do and it’s just a normal result of the surgery we had.  But without the other’s input I would have been much more concerned.  This extends to other medical and ‘mechanical’ issues as well with lots of helpful advice.

I have created a private FaceBook page that I’m using as a sort of diary with input from others here.  I’ll be distilling this information and creating additional posts here in hopes to help others.

With Aloha,

Sifan

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A Witness to Gender Differences – the Glass Ceiling – it’s Real

Posted on August 31, 2014 by sifankahale

the glass ceilingI just saw an excellent article on societal gender differences.  Jessica Nordell in her article “Why Aren’t Women Advancing At Work?  Ask a Transgender Person” makes a number of very good points:  “Having experienced the workplace from both perspectives, they hold the key to its biases.” she wrote in the New Repblic eZine.

One major point is that there is a finite window where transsexuals like me, that are mature, have a scientific background and have experience in both genders, will be available to give unique witness to how people treat men and women differently . People 40 or 50 yrs ago did not fully transition and young people now are taking puberty blockers and will never have the experience in the other gender. The window of time for the world to hear and record our stories is only now.

What this article points out and what I have been saying – is that I have experienced life as a male (and careful here, my bias is that I experience male birth sex BUT as a gender of a woman). As they say, if you are living in a black and white world you have no concept of colors. Living as a man (gender) in a male (birth sex) body (what we term ‘cis’) – or vice-versa, a woman (gender) in a female body (birth sex) – you are in a black and white world. Not that I and other transsexuals see beautiful brilliant colors – be we ‘do’ see colors and as this article points out, our perspectives and stories can be very helpful and constructive for everyone.

The article specifically talks about transsexuals being in a unique position to witness how people respond differently to gender, especially if they stay in the same job through transition.  Topics that were mentioned that I personally resonate with include:

Being taken seriously:  as a male there was a certain amount of non-questioning of my opinion by others.  As a female I find that I have to defend my position a lot more.

Blame it on the hormones: reacting the same way to similar situations as before, now as a female people have made comments that my reaction was due to hormones.

Assumptions of weakness and non-capable-ness: Men will step in to do something for me or take over (or attempt to).  One example, I have already embarrassed a few when they could not lift something or do something physical and I stepped back in to hold it as ‘they’ recovered.   This also goes for holding doors or other seemingly ‘gentlemen’ types of actions.  ‘We’ (woman) can tell the difference between someone actually being gentlemanly vs taking over, assuming we can not handle a situation.

Not being heard: As a man, I had a voice and was heard and listened to.  This is more subtle, but I’m finding it harder to ‘break-into’ the conversation these days.  It is taking more effort and then as my first point above – I have to explain/defend my point of view more critically.

Qero-ShamanBut I want to add that there is a lot more than just being witness to the reality of the glass ceiling.  And this goes back to the shamans, healers, medicine women and high priests of old, which to a sizable extend were transgender people.  In life, transsexuals experience this ‘color’.  This gives us a unique gift to be able to help others and to bridge the genders of a particular society.  Once we go through our journey, to the depths of our being, akin to the phoenix we arise but as a wise crone, able, if society allows us, to be of great service.

Perhaps this is one reason we are put down, misunderstood and mistreated.  Perhaps we possess something that power fears, something potentially immensely transformative.

All I can say is that I’m 3/4 way through that infamous valley and am climbing up to the col.  I’m here for those that wish to converse and learn.  However, I have no time or patience with trolls or phobics.

With much aloha,

Sifan

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14 Month Summary

Posted on August 18, 2014 by sifankahale

Everything is now focused on next month:  SRS.  Because I’m ‘older’ they wanted a cardiac stress test.  Now, I’m in pretty good shape and that, for a stress test, is bad news.  It means they keep you on the treadmill longer, faster and at a higher incline (and keep increasing until you start pumping harder).  The good doctor brought me up to heart rate required for the stress test, looked at me and said, “want to see what you can do?”.  You know, I must be slow in the uptake or maybe I was just not completely taking in what he just said.  Well, from my perspective, all hell broke loose – not supposed to run just walk fast, the darn thing was now a ramp to the ceiling – but, like a fool, I did it.  Then he asked me again – I think my muffled huffing response sounded like a yes.  Right after they had me lay down and they took sonograms of my heart – asking me to ‘hold my breath’ – I was like “WHAT” – that’s not fair and it’s impossible!!  They actually can measure the thicknesses of the different walls, measure blood velocities, etc.  Very impressive.  Well, I passed – however – about three days later my entire upper chest was sore and I had what seems to be a muscle strained under my arm.  It took me a few more days to finally connect this to the stress test.  I was using my upper body – hands on the front bar of the treadmill – to do a lot of work.  When I hike in the mountains I use hiking sticks that basically do the same.  My legs are in the best shape because of the walking/hiking I do, but my upper body was not used to that.  It’s now almost a week later and at last I’m slowly recovering.  Wow – mental note – don’t accept a ‘dare’ from a doctor doing a stress test on you!  Unfortunately, I had to work up at the summit the rest of that week – this really zapped me.

I was sent an invitation to a private FaceBook group for those that have surgery with Dr. S. in Thailand – and for those that have been accepted for surgery.  It’s turning out to be a great resource.  Everyone is helping everyone, lots of good advice, worries, complications, things around town and the clinic and doctors weigh in as well.  So good sound advice.  One person said they just arrived – about 20 others replied with where they are meeting for breakfast, who to see and what to do before hand.  I joined the fray and said I would be arriving next month and already I have 4 other gals (two from here in Hawaii) that will be there the same time – we’ll be getting together!  By far the best is to go back about 1 year and read all the questions and answers, issues real and those easily fixed, what to expect and how everyone else has fared.  I have lots of good advice and perhaps an even better idea for what to expect almost each and every day I am there (one month).

 

One of the purposes of my blog site here is to help others, especially those that are older, to get the information they need to understand and know what this is all about.  To that end, I plan on making as many posts from Thailand as I am able to.  Some might be a bit detailed but I’ll warn you right up front – continue to read at your own …. whatever ….  I’ll probably write the first one tomorrow – about planning and pre-travel.

 

On a different note:

I had a conversation with Lisa a while back.  I was telling her about catching myself in unconscious automatic behaviors, feminine behaviors, behaviors that were not learned or made automatic by rote – how could they be.

We went out to eat at a restaurant in an outdoor mall (most of our malls in Hawaii have open air promenades).  We had a wonderful meal and had strolled down the open air mall talking and admiring clothes and nick knacks in the store windows.  On the way back to the car I mentioned that I had just noticed how I instinctively held my skirt down before a gust of wind suddenly blew and then smoothed it out.  Then it struck me that there are many other instinctive automatic things I do as well – feminine actions that I did not learn and was unconscious of doing.

What is intriguing is the recognition that these behaviors or actions were unconscious and very normal – what I would describe as just being me.  This is in contrast to before when I was presenting as a male – most of that had to be leaned and was deployed  ‘consciously’.   Having had to do this for the majority of my life, it sometimes baffles me to realize that most people have never had to consciously ‘be’ what society says is their gender.  That for most people, suddenly realizing that they are acting authentically, is simply never seen or experienced.

I learned quickly at a very young age.  I saw what happened to others, the harassment and bullying they endured and I was blessed with a quick intellect that allowed me to quickly assimilate their examples into a workable model for my own existence.  I learned to keep my truth inside – not hiding from myself – but to present what was expected.  It’s sort of like the cliches “pick your battles” or “work from within the system” or “know your truth and pick the right timing”.

The other fascinating aspect of this, was that I had a detached presence as I watched these behaviors unfold.  That was what prompted the conversation with Lisa.

 

And, I thought I would include a response I wrote to an article questioning why a ‘man’ would ever ‘want’ to change into a woman, considering all the disadvantage:

I’m a transwoman, let me see if I can make some sense here – I can only speak for myself. I was born this way, this is not a choice or something I ‘want’. It’s who I am. The issue becomes how do I deal with this – not about which gender has it easiest. There are a lot of false stereotypes and beliefs surrounding this – that compounded the issue for me as well. As a result it took me until I was older to sort out what and who I am. Just like everyone else, I had to sort out what was real – then I had to accept who I am and then despite all of that plus, as you stated “the disadvantages of being a woman in today’s society” – to proceed and become true to who I am. The fact that there is so much against this should speak for itself.  It has nothing to do with advantages/disadvantages, etc.  For many trans* it is life or death (or even a living death) – makes the disadvantages seem moot huh. To have your core being at odds is very disconcerting. Ask yourself if you really know what it feels like to be a woman (or man) – I mean, do you really know? On a personal level the only way to know is to actually know the opposite. For a trans* person this is a daily and deep question: who am I – not what do I want to be or the relative merits of one gender vs the other. This was one of the reasons it took me so long to come to terms with and accept who I am. The mind does a wonderful job of trying to protect and therefore deny or explain away things it thinks will be harmful – especially in this case. I am glad that trans* issues are becoming better known and slowly things are getting better – especially for the younger trans*. I hope they don’t have to go through what I and many others have.  My hope is that society will understand this better and drop all these pre-conceptions, stereotypes and false beliefs.

With aloha,

Sifan

 

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On a Roll ….

Posted on August 3, 2014 by sifankahale

Beach-..-surf-crashes-down-ocean-wave-energy-wallpapersI was swimming at big beach in Makena today.  We had nice rollers coming in, probably from the two tropical storms that passed south of us this last week.  I would be knee deep in water just before the wave, then look up and see the crest of the wave high above me.  I estimate the larger sets were between 6 and 10 feet.  It was like an elevator ride – if you were out far enough.  Otherwise it was a washing machine!

There were tons of boggie-boarders on the beach today.  They would run toward the ocean, throw the board out in front of them then jump/stand on it and surf ‘into’ the waves.  As they hit an incoming wave they would do tricks:  twirling, u-turns and surf back in and sometimes would do flips into the air.  One guy got about 8 feet of air on a larger wave – very impressive.

Of course, if you are going swimming like I was, that hard part was timing the sets so that you enter or leave without getting into the ‘wash machine’ – tumbling over and over.  I was out swimming and back sitting in my beach chair 3 or 4 times today, so I ran that gauntlet successfully a number of times …. except for the last one …

Like a good girl, I did my ‘due diligence’ – watched the sets, waited for the lull, and headed out of the water to the beach.  I got up to only knee deep when the boggie-boarders on shore started running like crazy into the surf and the other people on shore were wide eyed and pointing to something behind me.

At the same time, the water from the last huge set was now rushing out to the ocean from the beach.  I could not move against all that water going out.  Then, all of a sudden, I was on ‘dry’ sand….  Then it got dark and I noticed water falling from the sky IN FRONT OF ME – I was in a TUBE.

Up/Down, Back/Front, Left/Right  – these normal directions we take for granted MERGED into oneness – and then became totally irrelevant!  Split seconds later I am standing in the same spot, on dry sand again, facing the beach like I was just moments before …. and standing!  I shook out my wet hair and continued my walk up the beach to my chair like nothing happened ….!!

It was a very uncomfortable ride home.  I took my shower right away when I got home (standard procedure at the Kahale residence), and that’s when I figured out what was so uncomfortable.  Now, sand in a bikini is not nice – not at all.  However, this was not your everyday ordinary sand over in Makena — nope.  It’s coral sand.  Imagine taking billions of sea shells and crunching them up until they are sand sized.  They are still the sharp sea shells you know of if you break them up a little – only now they are even tinier!  The effect is that once you get them under something that is tight against your skin (bra band, straps, etc) they tend to ’embed’ themselves in one’s skin.  In other words – they didn’t just wash away in the shower – they had to be SCRUBBED off ——  grrrrrr.  I’m also positive it’s going to take a number of days/showers before I’m finally free from them.

Did I mention WHERE these were embedded?  I have to work up at the summit tomorrow and this week.  Let’s just say I’ll have some reminders of my wonderful swim in Makena ……

With Aloha (watch those waves),

Sifan

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13 Month Summary

Posted on July 13, 2014 by sifankahale

It20140706_192518 feels good to be past the one year mark.  From what I hear from my trans friends that are going through or have been through transition, most of the emotional changes and a majority of the physical ones are now over and things stabilize.  That’s how I feel right now too.  Of course time will tell – I’ll have to revisit this one year from now …

The biggest challenge I have yet is my weight.  I’ve lost about 30 pounds since I’ve started.  I have to lose another 6 but I would like to lose 11 more pounds.  That gives me a leeway for the surgery requirement.  It’s very strange that when I was 30 pounds heavier, I did not feel fat at all and it was sooo easy to lose weight.  Now, I feel fat, I have a little belly,  even though I’m 30 pounds less.  I do have a smaller frame.  It is now very hard to lose pounds – I no longer care that I’m losing weight in the wrong places (my breasts are getting smaller etc.), I just want those pounds gone!

The countdown is on!  Today is 60 days away from GRS (surgery).  Like I’ve responded to those who have been asking recently – I’m ‘not’ looking forward to the surgery – I’m looking forward to about 3 weeks ‘after’ the surgery  when I’m recovered enough to start my new life in earnest.  Even then I won’t be at anything near running speed.  But at least I hope to have my head above the water by then.

One of the women at work caught me in the kitchen and asked me a couple of questions today. First she complimented me on how much I have changed and that I actually look much younger! She asked me what it feels like now. I told her ‘normal’ and that before and for most of my life I felt like I had to conform to what was expected of a male and that I could not just be me. I said that now it’s mostly a feeling of freedom – I can just be myself. I also said that I’m in a unique position to be able to experience the differences between male and female and it is huge. But we didn’t have time to go into that much further.  Maybe I’ll enter a post just on that sometime in the future.

Lisa and I took a beautiful ride on the sw shore of Maui around to Kaupo today. I felt ‘extra’ feminine for some reason. Was a great day to be a woman. Lisa had to go pretty bad so when we got to the top of our favorite hill back there, we parked and walked up and just down the other side – enough so that no one would see. She went first – I gave her some napkins to clean up. Then it was my turn – she asked if I wanted some napkins before she remembered I still had boy parts down there. We laughed about it. She said she had forgotten that I wasn’t physically a woman down there yet and said she actually had visualized me having a vagina! I guess she is truly seeing me as a woman now!

A very good friend of mine from back in my college days got back in touch with me recently.  He had some very good questions and I thought I would share my responses.  These are questions I get asked now and then and perhaps this will help others understand trans* people better.

The first was a comment about memories and the person I was.  For some people, they morn the loss of the ‘former’ me.  My response:

That was a great time we had back then, I also have many wonderful memories.  Those memories along with all of my past don’t and should not go away – they are a part of me.  It took my ex-wife a while to understand that as well.  This does not negate nor dismiss those.  It can be hard to understand, but I was ‘this’ person I am now – back then – and all through my life.  What and who you knew ‘as’ me – the ‘me’ of today – was all along.  What is changing is ‘presentation’.  The latest science on this (both medical and psychological) define these as completely separate: birth sex, gender, presentation and preference (as in partner).  A person can be any combination within these – one does not pre-dispose any other (trans* people have the same ratios of hetro, gay, bi, etc. as the normative cis population).  Of those, latest research shows that only presentation is societal – the rest a person is born with (there is a lot of false beliefs out there claiming nonsense).

I was ‘trained’ to be a man – I think I did a pretty good job of it.  Society back then did not allow for anyone like me – it was just an impossibility back then.  Like so many things in my youth, I learned to adjust and to live with it.  Like many other trans*, I over reached in order to prove I was who society said I was supposed to be.  Don’t get me wrong here – I am very grateful for what was, including being married and fathering two wonderful men.

It took a long time to unravel from all of that.  I started almost 10 years ago.  But it actually started even longer ago when I became a professional instructor and then director of the international technical training for the corporation I worked for back then.  I was much more effective than both genders in that trade.  My style and philosophy of training matched that of a female.  That was 20 some years ago and laid the groundwork – the crack in the dam.

Can you imagine your entire life – knowing something is different, that you do not match who everyone (parents, school, friends – everyone) says you are and not knowing why.  I knew I didn’t fit in and was not quite like the other guys.  I also knew I matched more closely to the girls I knew.  But I also knew that physically I was a boy.  There was life long confusion and dysphoria.

This is such a relief now – it explains so much for me and as they say – it hits the nail right on the head.  I am very happy now – this is a huge load off the shoulders.  This may sound strange, but one of the largest dysphoric situations was being addressed/treated/spoken to as a male – especially in public situations.  To be mistaken like that was hard.  That’s not who I am.  By changing my gender presentation to be consistent with who I am, makes all the difference.  The standard explanation (which is totally wrong however, but it does put this into perspective) is to image you wake up in the morning as female but with all your memories, responses, actions, beliefs etc. remaining male – and worse – no one believes you.  You are relegated to live your life from this point on as a woman.  Well, reverse that and that is me – only without the explicit knowledge of what underlies this until recently.  So, ya – like 1000 times better now!  Not just happiness but quality of life, spirituality, knowing and accepting myself – and the list goes on.

A lot of people have mentioned that my ex-wife and myself had one of the most wonderful marriages and they just can not understand how this could have ended:

Hummm, how can I say this ….. I’ve had a lot of people say the same thing about my ex-wife and my relationship.  It was a wonderful and great period of my life.  I’m very grateful and celebrate what we had.  Like all relationships there were wrinkles and cracks under the surface that were not visible to anyone else.  Perhaps the saying “the bigger they are the harder they fall” has some bearing here – not sure.  Two things I can say:  there’s a lot more to the story and we are both in a better place today then if we tried to stay together.  In no way does this negate my ex-wife’s and my life together – I cherish those times and memories and am very glad I was given that time and experience.

Regarding societies stereotypes:

As you can imagine, this is a very difficult and highly personal thing.  I too had to overcome a lifetime of misconceptions and stereotypes and then to embrace who I am knowing that the majority of the world still carries those.  Not exactly the cup of tea I needed … but we are dealt a hand and are committed to play it.  If nothing else, this should attest to the seriousness of this and speak for the determination to transition.  Even in spite of these, it is that important and necessary!

Lisa came along at the right time and not only accepted who I was but embraced it.  This is difficult for her as she does not see herself as lesbian, however, society now does.  You can imagine the confusion  However – one nice thing about being older (and hopefully wiser) – one sees through that and instead embraces their true selves.  After all, is she really a lesbian?  Her preference is for males, her love is for me, regardless of gender.  And does this make my ex-wife a lesbian?  After all I was born this way, therefore I was a woman all along ……  You can see the difficulty with our current language and the assumptions inherent within !  As a society, we need to start transcending this transphobic misogyny and get real.

Keeping pictures of the ‘former’ me from the past:

As for pictures of Steph (I admit – even I talk about Steph in the 3rd person) – I’m glad you are keeping those – that is so nice!  Let me re-emphasize:  who I am now – I always was: as Steph and now as Sifan.  I’m proud of my life and celebrate ‘all’ of it.  I’m not out to deny any of it – it all goes into the ‘me’ that is here and now.  That is the one part of that analogy that is so wrong (“imagine tomorrow you woke up as a woman”) – this is not a bad thing – nor something I regret – nor was living my life as a man all those years.  It just simple ‘is’ and it is my life’s story.  Would I have rather been born cis (same birth sex as gender) – of course!  Given that I’m trans – would I have rather transitioned back then – of course!  But this is my life and even with this, it is a wonderful life.  Now, it’s just that much more wonderful !

I’m hoping this helps others (trans* and friends of trans) understand just a bit better.

With much Aloha,

Sifan

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1 Year Summary !

Posted on June 2, 2014 by sifankahale

And what a year this has been!

So much happened just this last month.  Lisa and I got married (or here in Maui we say we just got Maui’d) and my GRS surgery is scheduled and paid for.

I have just added a separate post including pictures and a transcript of our ceremony.  It was a fantastic Hawaiian beach wedding.  As you can see in this picture of Lisa and me – we are soooo happy!  It was the perfect day, we had 12 guests, beautiful morning at the beach, wonderful spot and we had brunch at the Grand Wailea.  The hula band even played a special song so the two of us could have our wedding dance!  The Hawaiian ceremony was full of symbolism and meaning.  I have always dreamed of being the bride at a wedding (well, one of the brides …).  So this was very special for me.

We were wearing so many flowers – I’m barely visible from under them!  Both of us had haku leis (crown lei on our heads) and we wore two leis around our necks (one for our outfit the other to exchange during the ceremony).  I also wore a kupu’u lei on my wrist and one on my ankle.  To top it all off I had a cascading bouquet that I carried (which my friend from work almost continuously had to hold for me during the ceremony – I hope ‘he’ didn’t mind!).

The other major event this month was getting the surgery date confirmed.  We sent in the full amount to pay for the surgery, the hotel and spending money as we live there for one month.  We have our plane reserved too.  Lisa got us in first class on JAL on the way home.  I’ll need that as sitting for that length of time is going to be hard.  The extra room and comfort will be very welcome right about then.  I’m glad that this surgeon keeps his GRS patients for a month.  I will feet better and  be more able to survive that trip home from Thailand!  Plus, if there are any problems, they will more than likely show up before then and they will be able to take care of me.

GRS Surgery Schedule “SK” is confirmed! (Red means confirmed)

We just received the official wedding certificate, so Lisa was able to change her name on her drivers license and social security.  Next we will be going to the passport office and getting that changed for both of us (I had not changed mine yet).

The one last BIG thing I need to do – is lose weight – like 15 pounds – by Sept.  I was talking about this at work and the women all agreed – it’s so much easier for men to lose weight.  All they have to do is skip desert and they are 5 pounds lighter the next day.  For me (and judging by the other women at work – this is the same for all woman) not only is it hard to lose any weight what so ever, but when we do lose weight it’s where we want to keep it (like the breasts)!  The other day I had one egg and a piece of celery for breakfast, a small bowl of noddle soup for lunch and one egg and a piece of toast bread for supper.  I lost, oh, maybe, a whomping .1 of a pound!  Before my transition (well first of all I would have been on my death bed with only that to eat) I would have lost 2 or 4 pounds doing something like that.  One of the woman at work remarked:  “Ya, you ‘are’ a woman.   See, see what’s it like!!”

Who would have guessed – a hair dryer is ‘not’ for drying your hair – silly men:  I added a few more entries in my differences page.

Last month I posted about being passable and my comfort level in being out in public.  This was the first time my family (brother and sister and significant others) have seen me since I started transition.  I was worried how I would be accepted.  I was happy with the warm reception I received from my sister and her friend when I picked them up from the airport.  The hardest time is when I met them at their resort to go swimming.  I wore a two piece, the bottom being a swim skirt.  Because of my shape, a two piece is the only way I can get everything to fit properly.  I think this might have been a bit much for them at first.  As the day wore on, everyone seemed to be more comfortable.  The last day my brother and wife were here we went out to what is probably the best most Hawaiian restaurant here on Maui.  I wore my long black dress – the one I wore way back when I surprised Lisa when she returned home.

My sister and her friend stayed for an extra week.  For me, one of the highlights of their visit was taking them out snorkeling and then going out shopping for clothes.  This was the first time I ever went shopping with my sister – as her sister!  It was precious!  Something I will remember.  We would find clothes for each other, critic, advise and just had fun.

Every trans* person knows that kids (being uninhibited) will be the ones to challenge you.  On our wedding day, Lisa and I took the elevator to get to the brunch.  A mother and her two little girls were in the elevator and rode down to our floor.  Just as the door opened and Lisa and I were getting out, the little girl asks if I’m a woman.  Without batting an eye I answered I was.  She seemed to accept that and continued to chat away!  I impressed myself by the fact that this didn’t bother me in the least.

But, you can imagine my trepidation a week ago when I had to teach astronomy to around 210 3rd graders.  Only one student sort of kind of asked in a roundabout way if I was a women.  Other than that I had a couple of strange looks and heads tipped to the side as they first sat down.  To teach 3rd graders, I put together a high energy talk with lots of enthusiasm and great pictures that illustrate events from stellar births in the Orion Nebula to massive supper novas and the mighty explosions in space.  Once I start, gender is the furthest thing in their minds.  Success to me is measured in how many hugs and high fives I get.  By that measure, this year was awesome – even though this was my first time as a woman teaching this class.  I even had one student from a different class come back during break to ask me additional questions.

Changes this month:  except for a few confirmations of being a woman (see above “see, see what’s it like!”) not too much has changed.  Lisa and others told me my face has changed some more and people have noticed I have curves.  I’ve had a few comments on my weight loss progress too.  My breasts have not been sore for a while, but just these last two night a bit of soreness has come back.

Oh, breaking news ….. there is a military coup in Thailand.  We’ll watch that closely.  For now things still look do’able.  We are changing our return flight to a bit earlier however.

Now to gt back to concentrating on losing weight ….

With Aloha,

Sifan

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Our Maui Wedding

Posted on May 28, 2014 by sifankahale

This gallery contains 37 photos.

On May 4, 2014, Lisa and I were married at Palauea Beach, Makena, Maui.  I included some pictures and the wording from our wedding which also includes explanations and meanings of the various ceremonies that were a part of our wonderful day.  Enjoy !   Here I am, all ready and waiting for Lisa before we […]

11 Month Summary

Posted on April 24, 2014 by sifankahale

With the wedding happening in 11 days and how busy we are getting ready, you would think I’d be late on my 11 month posting, especially since I was late on the previous ones ….  Who knows how these things work – certainly not me!

If you are reading this before May 5th (2014), check back after then – I am waiting till then to post a picture from our wedding here.

Where to start ….  I’m on my second dress for the wedding (wrote about this in previous posts).  The first one was hand tailored but the material turned out to be way more “champagne” than ivory and from the weight I lost, was now too large.  In the last post I mentioned the white holoku (Hawaiian) style dress I purchased instead.  The problem with this dress is that I was still to ‘large’ ….  So I’ve been eating less and eating right plus walking around the block at work 2 to 4 times each night (we are on a mountain – a block here is has an elevation gain/loss of over 60 feet).

I talked with my doctor about losing weight as well, since I will need to lose tonnage before surgery later this fall too.  I told her about how losing weight had changed since HRT.  A lot of  ‘weight’ (fat actually …) has moved around as I went from a typical male distribution to female – but none went ‘away’ – ack.  There are the obvious ones:  stomach went down to the buttocks and up to the breasts, arm muscle mass reduced (not by much – they had me lifting heavy systems at work – side note here:  I was helping one of the guys here lift an extremely heavy (probably over 300 #) disk array unit back into the rack.  He got very red in the face and almost could not make it.  At one point I was holding the majority of the weight as he tried to get a better position.  The next day I find out he blew out his knee and pulled an arm muscle doing that.  For me, it was heavy, but do’able.  I don’t exactly want to be known for this and I think the guys are a bit embarrassed ….

There was also a weight shift I didn’t expect:  stomach ‘plumpness’ moved up!  Below the belly-button I’m fairly flat now – it has moved up to just above the belly-button to just below the rib cage.  And of course in losing weight, this is the ‘last’ place that seems to go away.  Everything else loses weight first – like my breasts – grrrrrrr.  So after all these months getting to an ‘ok’ size, now they are shrinking -ack.  My doctor said:  “welcome to womanhood”!

Just in case my efforts at losing weight before the wedding do not pan out (especially now that I have this beautiful dress) – I bought a corset.  Oh boy.  Well, the dress fits perfectly now and the other good news is that I actually can still breathe (sort of).  I have found that it enforces the rules of posture quite well indeed!  I can still put on my wedding sandals as well as the rest of my clothes – but I do have to be mindful of how I’m moving – wheeeee!  And yes, as Lisa pulled tightly on the strings in back, I had to hang on to something to keep from being pulled over.  Ahhh, the joys of being a woman…

The other big news is that not only have I decided on a date for my GRS surgery but the clinic has accepted me.  I will be having my surgery in mid September with Dr. Suporn in Thailand.   It has taken me a long time and a lot of research to come to this point.  I wrote an entire post just on how I chose him (Choosing a Surgeon).

Summarizing my transition at 11 months:  other than weight moving around and losing bust-line, everything is ‘normal’ – exactly what and how I want to feel – normal – but as a woman!  I had described this in a previous post (Ah – ‘Nothing’ at last …).

My partner noted a couple other changes recently as well.  She says my face has changed yet again – more feminine.  Also my waist is coming in giving me more of the appearance of curves.

At this point in my transition, my ideas surrounding being ‘passable’ are changing.  I’m along the lines of “that is their assumption – no biggie”.  This turned out to be a much larger topic than I thought, so I cut this out and created yet another post (On Being Passable).

Well, now to go back to dreaming of my wedding, the gown, the flowers and leis, the beach and most of all, my Kealoha (beloved) ….

With much Aloha,

Sifan

 

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