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Ah – ‘Nothing’ at last …

Posted on December 22, 2013 by sifankahale

when a woman says nothing to wearIn my youth I had figured out that a person is responsible for their own happiness – it is not something that is just out there or that anyone else can make for you.  It starts with a simple decision in each moment as to how you chose to interpret life or events and goes from there.  That simple knowledge ‘saved’ me back then and has been a foundation for me ever since.

Today I am seeking to be myself, to be able to interact with society and be understood as who I really am – to not having to put on this male facade any longer.  Since I started my RLE (Real Life Experience – one has to live a year as a female before you can have surgery), I’m seeing profound changes, especially with interactions at work and I am starting to taste and relax into just being me.  As some of my colleagues had commented:  they saw who I was long before I had said anything and it was easy for them to both accept and treat me as who I am.

There is an ‘alpha’ male at work – the only person I was worried about – that now treats me like a sister, helping and protecting me.  He is a staunch Christian and this is hard for him to understand but he has asked for material and keeps the dialog open (asking good questions) – a very good sign.  As in so many cases, it’s easy to demonize if you have never personally known someone like this.  Being that I am ‘educated’ (college degree), was the CEO of a corporation and am in a professional position – this presented a bit of a challenge to him.  I did not match any of the stereotypes!  He had to contemplate that perhaps, yes, this was just another facet of being human – just like having red hair or being short or tall.  He is still perplexed but at least he is more open-minded than before.

full closet - nothing to wear

Years ago my therapist had asked me what do I expect to feel like after everything is said and done – what will be different or changed?  My answer then is my answer now:  “nothing” – in the sense of finally being ‘normal’ to myself.  By that I mean that with congruence I will settle into a life where I am happy and being ‘me’ is the norm – the mirror on the wall shows the correct me (but its so much more than just an external vision ….).  It’s the same kind of ‘nothing’ that you experience having a right arm —– it’s just there.  Most people never have to even question this – they ‘just are’.  Well, that is what I mean by “nothing” – the nothing of not having to deal with a dichotomy.  As my therapist had mentioned, I have put in a lot of years working on the ‘internal’ transition – now it’s time for the external to catch up.  And my experience now, living full time as a woman is giving me the contentment and joy of just that – being myself!

These two transitions (internal and external) have to come together successfully.  From what I see, some people transition externally first and have issues afterwords, until they settle the internal as well.  By the way:  by internal I do not mean the “was always a women” type of thing – I mean dealing with all of life’s daily expectations in actually manifesting as your self, again this is something most people never experience or even question.

With much aloha,
Sifan

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“Clocked”

Posted on November 29, 2013 by sifankahale

HammerClock3To be “clocked” or “read”, in the transgender vernacular, means to have someone (general public) treat us as if we are our pre-transition gender.  In my case that means someone addresses me as ‘Sir’ or refers to me as ‘he’ or ‘him’ or would treat me as a guy, etc.  We start out fearing this and doing everything to avoid this ever happening.  Some transsexuals will never pass (to pass is to be ‘automatically’ assumed to be the gender as which you are presenting).  Others change remarkably and have no problems.  Of course this is the hardest when we start our transition.

The local society and environment has a lot to do with this as well.  This can range from open acceptance, to very dangerous – look at the recent hate crimes and murders of transgenders and transsexuals, especially out east and in Texas.  In a couple cases, the police and rescue personal would not treat the transgender victims resulting in their death.  I am lucky, Hawaii is very open and accepting and most likely is the reason it took over half a year before I experienced being clocked in public.

It happened today at the local wholesale buyers club.  They have employees that hand out samples of different foods. One of them addressed me nicely with “Sir would you like to try…”.  Well I looked at him – he seemed to be friendly – and asked if I wanted a sample, so I took one and said thanks.  Then he offered to help if I needed to find something, saying he saw me looking around, but he again used ‘Sir’.  Sort of bugged that he did it twice – not really sure if he was pulling something or making a point and I’m also upset that I didn’t correct him!

To be fair, I was dressed a bit more androgynous today.  Usually I wear jeans with a tank top or straps sometimes with an open shirt over it.  But today I wore jeans and a shirt, which did sort of hide my, ummm, assets ….

On our way out the lady checking the cart at the door made mention of a 2 broom/dust pan set we purchased saying “ah, his and her’s”, then quickly changed that to “inside and outside” which to me meant she ‘read’ me, accidentally made that innocent comment (would have been awkward but better if she stopped there and not ‘corrected’ her statement) but in correcting, it made me know for sure she clocked me and was trying to politely cover her tracks. I’ll give her high marks for trying.  As my partner pointed out, she could very well have corrected her statement because she noticed we were a lesbian couple.

Now to be balanced, earlier today someone did call me “ma’am”.

Of course I had spent plenty of time thinking about how I would feel if I got ‘clocked’.  I think that is just part of the process of transitioning.  It is sort of amazing that I’ve gone almost six months before this happened.

Mentally I share the same philosophy as the ‘old hats’ (post-transition): this is my life, not theirs, what they think or say is their own issue.  But when it happens – feelings are still hurt, it smarts.  This had the effect of calling into question any and all of the progress of my transition so far (putting it in the classification of ‘probable progress’).  Was everyone just being nice to me all this time?  Was I really starting to be able to ‘pass’ as a woman?

Now, I’m not that naive that I think I’m passing everywhere I go. I know I’m a long way from being able to do that. I do think however, that I’m somewhere on the road to that. This is the first time being ‘clocked’ as well. One spends time and worry about being clocked and one also prepares themselves for it. I hear from the ‘old hats’ that even after 20 years some of them will get clocked occasionally.

And really, it does not matter – I am finally becoming the real me – becoming congruent. So this is expected and one is to be tough and to be true to ones self, etc, etc, etc. But – it still stings and hurts.

Why does this hurt, especially when one has confidence?  Why do things like this force us to re-evaluate everything?  It puts back into question everything we so painfully and carefully worked out before – again! And precisely ‘why’ does it matter?   These are important and difficult questions.

We are social beings.  As much as this is a personal voyage, it is tied up with others that surround me – known and unknown people and agents of society.  As much as society effects each of us, we in turn ‘are’ society.  It becomes difficult when we are outside societal norms, especially something as foundational as gender.  It is both a “Why can’t they see?” and “What am I not doing right?”.

It matters to me precisely because there is both an internal and external component to living.  I have come to profoundly understand who I am and transition is an extreme step to realize or actualize that.  As much as this is an internal transition, it also is surrounded by society.  I think we all have a need to be accepted – maybe just to affirm the real person – maybe just to be comfortable in our life.

Why can’t people just see who I am …..

With aloha,

Sifan

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Month 6 Summary

Posted on November 29, 2013 by sifankahale

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Steph!! THE BIG SIX !!

Before starting my transition, I had heard that most of the ‘major’ changes would occur by the end of six months.  My original plan was to wait for this milestone and then come out full time as a woman.  My thoughts at the time were that this would give me the best, least embarrassing and most comfortable way to do this, as I would look more authentic and be able to pass (as a woman) so much better.

Unfortunately I was focused on looking like a woman and trying to pass as one and in the process forgot that in the meantime I would have had to look and pass as a man. At three months I was ‘budding’ enough, plus other changes, that I could not present as a man any longer and started my RLE – full time “real life experience” (eg. full time out as a woman).

The good part of this is that I’m now three months closer to GRS (gender re-assignment surgery) than I would have been if I waited.  GRS is a good name for it as most everything is re-used (it’s not chopped as some transphobes like to proclaim).  As for timing to start a RLE:  you just have to do it when it seems right.  There are pros and cons regardless of when it’s done.  No matter what, there is still the ‘ugly duckling’ phase where you are not able to present as a man nor are you able to present as a woman.  Not that I’m past that yet – but it sure is better than it was.

A caution here:  I’m a transsexual – I’m ‘binary’ in that my gender is female – opposite my birth sex.  I’m not gender fluid or someplace in the middle as other transgender people are.  I’m fully on the opposite side.  Therefore when I talk about an ugly duckling phase, I’m speaking from my experience of the difficult phase of changing from one extreme of the gender scale to the other.  Others are perfectly happy someplace in the middle.  And as many have pointed out (me included), we all are someplace ‘within’ this scale – probably never on the extreme ends (binary), although society blindly asserts that we all are.

So much for an intro!  I’ve read that the changes from here on out are slower but continue for up to 2 years – stay tuned …

This last month saw a number of what I would call ‘massively public’ events.  Events where there were a lot of people and I had some public role, like giving a tour, holding ‘mock’ interviews so students could practice and get experience, hosting or giving presentations.  In each of these cases there were a lot of people I did not know (20 to 50 people) and I had to be ‘up in front’ of everyone and had to either present or hold open discussions where I had to fully participate.  These were still scary but this is good experience for me.  I am getting more comfortable – not quite back to where I was when I was a professional instructor – but starting to get there.

Another notable recurring situations are compliments:   I’m starting to get them on how I’m looking, on my choice of clothes or colors or on my hair styling and even how my face looks.  These are from people at work, friends and also people that have not seen me in a while.  Three people that I unexpectedly met after having not seen each other for, well definitely since I transitioned, had dropped their jaws and grabbed me in huge hugs!  One was an older fella whom I had not told of my transition after he had left the islands.  I wasn’t sure how he would take it.  As we walked down the hall together talking – he put his arm around me …. what a sweet guy!  Another person, host of our TG support group, was amazed at how much I had changed (we both had been busy for a couple of months and had not seen each other).  At the library, I ran across a woman I knew but haven’t seen for a while.  She knew about my transition (sort of knew about that before I ever said anything).  When she saw me, she ‘attacked’ me with a hug and an “oh my – you are gorgeous”!

On the other side of the coin:  this is the first time I was ‘clocked’ (it’s also called ‘being read’).  This is when someone in a public space persistently calls us by the ‘wrong’ pronouns – in my case calling me ‘sir’.  Of course this is something ‘we’ (transgender/transsexuals) are sensitive to, watch for, do everything everyday to avoid (by the way we dress, carry ourselves, talk, act, etc).  It’s also something ‘we’ mentally and emotionally prepare for.  Mentally I share the same philosophy as the ‘old hats’ (post-transition): this is my life, not theirs, what they think or say is their own issue.  But when it happens – feelings are still hurt, it smarts.

This had the effect of calling into question any and all of the progress of my transition so far (putting it in the classification of ‘probable progress’).  Was everyone just being nice to me all this time?  Was I really starting to be able to ‘pass’ as a woman?  Usually I wear a tank top, sometimes with an open shirt over it, but that day I just wore a shirt, buttoned of course.  So I was probably a lot more androgynous or even masculine looking than normal (my assets were, ummm, less noticeable).  Another way of looking at this is that I’ve been out 3 months already and this is the first time that had happened.  I hear from the ‘old hats’ that even after 20 years some of them will get clocked occasionally.  This is the subject of my next post.

Ok, physical changes during month six:  oh are my breasts sore …. ya, they are still growing (yay).  I seem to have gotten back some of the size from before – only now they are very firm – and ummm, sensitive.  All my skin is much softer.  Even my lips are a bit fuller (let me put it this way – I now ‘have’ lips …)  My bottom is filling out, my waist is shrinking and my shoulders and upper arms are losing a bit of size (no where near enough for me though).  Some weight is definitely redistributing.  A number of people have noticed and mentioned the changes in my face.  And even I have noticed (and oh am I critical ….).  There is a bit more definition of the cheek bones and my face is not so ‘square’ as it was.  Still a ways to go, but I can see progress.  So, I now have some ‘curves’!

I’m finally able to change my earrings without going through the roof.  I did learn my lesson:  I had left them off one night.  The next day my partner had to, well, it felt like she had to ‘drill’ one of them back in ….  Of course every time I change I have that memory in the back of my mind.  But at last, I can now change them and only have a tiny bit of feeling.  I have learned my lesson however and I keep my original studs in over night and anytime I’m not wearing hooks.

Even after laser hair treatment on my face, I’m still shaving daily.  It’s not that noticeable in that most of the hairs are white now, but from the side you can tell.  Even after a close shave, my skin is not smooth – or smooth enough.  This next month I’m planning on starting electrolysis.  That should make a big difference.

I am also still shaving the rest of my body:  legs and arms about once a week, torso almost every day (sometimes every day, mostly every two days).  One of the changes expected from hormones is to change the body hair to more of a peach fuzz. My partner has been after me to stop shaving to see what results.  But I can’t stand to see any hair there – at least for now.  I’ll let you know the results once I get brave enough to experiment and let it grow (eeeeeek).

I’m doing daily walks now too.  I walk around this large block where I work.  It has about a 60 foot difference in elevation, so it’s a good exercise.  I have started to notice that the way I walk has now changed.  There is a definite bounce and a bit of a wiggle in my step now.  I think it has to do with ‘filling out’ ….

Finally, I have spent more time with the speech lessons (about time actually).  From a number of different courses and online material I’ve read, there is a lot of discussion about constricting your throat, pinching your thorax, lifting your adams apple and speaking from your mouth, not your chest.  This was all mumbo jumbo and somewhat senseless at first – how can you even know from where you actually speak?  How could a person pinch their thorax?  For me the best course I’ve found is the 30 day Crash Course.  With guided help and exercises I finally figured out all of these.  For me, just thinking about talking from the mouth will accomplish all the others automatically.  Once it clicks, it clicks!

I have a long ways to go yet, but I have surprised my self after a couple of public speaking engagements when I listened to the audio/video of myself.  One time I was setting up for an outreach public astronomy talk – I was testing the links from the remote mic to room speakers to the broadcasting equipment and finally to the feedback from the web.  There is a built in delay for censoring (about 6 seconds).  So I could speak, then 6 sec. later hear myself in the headphones.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing – I absolutely had a female voice!  It was awesome!  So, my advice to others – practice, practice, practice – it is possible (I’m definitely still in the practice phase).

Oh, and a biggie just today …. I ordered my wedding dress!  We are soooo excited.  Also, make sure you read the excellent post my partner wrote here regarding her experiences being the SO (significant other) of someone transitioning.

Wishes (or to work towards):  more hair on my head, less ‘no’ hair anywhere else, better voice, more defined curves and electrolysis and …. of course …. GRS!

I guess I would summarize this month as gaining more confidence (despite being clocked), physically filling out more, redistributing weight, defining curves and starting to get compliments.  If you are just starting your transition – ya, six months is magical.

With much aloha,

Sifan

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Body Map

Posted on October 21, 2013 by sifankahale

human_body_large

From the research I’ve read regarding gender, natal development and social gender, I assembled my own personal summary or explanation that I use when talking to others that are trying to grasp what transsexualism is about.

I’ll post some of the research links below and they are listed in the ‘links‘ tab as well.

The concept is this: at about the sixth week natal development stage, natal sex differentiation occurs.  That is, we develop from a somewhat androgynous female precursor fetus into (normally) a male or a female depending on the constituent DNA (X’s and Y’s) expression.  At this time there is a rush of androgens plus the differentiation.  If the timing of these two events is correct, then it results in a ‘cis’  (the person’s natal-birth sex matches their internal idea of what sex they are) gendered fetus.  There is also evidence of an altered gene found in transsexuals that prevents or diminishes testosterone’s effect on the brain.

Intersex’ed  individuals occur when there are ‘extra’ X’s or Y’s in the DNA expression resulting in ambiguous or hidden sex organs.

But for transsexuals like myself, the theory is that this timing between differentiation and androgen rush is slightly off resulting in the body developing one way (male in my case) and the brain remaining female (not changing from the precursor female fetus).   One study shows that a lower region of the hypothalamus is statistically larger in women than in men and that a M2F (male to female) transsexual’s hypothalamus matches a woman’s.  And then there is a new study that found a particular gene in transsexuals that diminishes the male hormones effect on the brain – leaving it female.

Now, here is where I put a couple of things together ….

We are also born with a ‘body map’.  There are many accounts of people who have lost a limb and can still feel it.  Some can even articulate where their non-existent fingers or arm currently resides – as if it is still attached.  This map has been located – you guessed it – also in the hypothalamus, although I am not sure if in the same part of it.

I contend that this body map is much more than a ‘map’ of where the brain thinks everything is and what it ‘has’.  For sure it is a map of what it ‘believes’ it has.  For one thing, this explains why my male organ “down there” did not belong.  Even as a very young child (as one of my earliest memories) I knew that it did not belong on me.  It also helps to explain bodily feelings etc. that I had that were definitely ‘not’ male.  My partner is able to bring me to a ‘mild’ orgasm that is not centered there, is not male’ish but rather whole body-centered.  It is obvious enough to my partner that she would mention it and be somewhat amazed by it.

But I think this map is much more.  I think it encodes our general sense of who we are.  It can still be thought of as a map, but with it’s functionality extended to encompass our internal concept of what sex we are (and I’m sure a host of other things as well).  Notice I’m being very careful not to use the word gender ….

Gender is a very confusing term.  From what I’ve read and people I’ve conversed with, it seems most of us that are transsexual agree that gender is just not ‘it’.  We have a general feeling that gender is ‘not’ the defining ‘thing’ that differentiates a transsexual from a ‘cis’ (natal or birth sex matches their internal sense of what they are) person.

From Wikipedia: “Gender is the range of physical, biological, mental and behavioral characteristics pertaining to, and differentiating between, masculinity and femininity.  Depending on the context, the term may refer to biological sex (i.e. the state of being male, female or intersex), sex-based social structures (including gender roles and other social roles), or gender identity.”  It’s original use was to distinguish between biological sex and gender as a ‘role’.

In other words it’s a ‘role’ – a collection of traits, defined by society, that collectively on average define what it means to be either male or female.  This falls apart rather quickly if you investigate individual traits – suddenly none of them are all that unique – and there are too many exceptions to allow any consensus.  I found this out the hard way as I’m sure any transgender person does when they attempt to give example from their life history that would prove their situation.  I even had people use this to attempt to prove otherwise:  “Well, you fixed cars and are a scientist!”  I gently explained that one of the best mechanics I know is a women and that many of the scientists I work with are women …..

My transsexualism is not a role.  It comes from something inside, something deep that was always present.  I did not learn it.  It feels to me that gender is the match-up of how we express ourselves – it’s the cross between either our natal sex and society or our internal ‘body map’ and society or more likely all of the above.  Roles, traits and behavioral characteristics are all interpreted by society – usually in a very binary fashion (male or female).  Transsexualism is something underneath all that.  It manifests itself perhaps as gender, as what society sees and interprets as male or female, but the underlying cause or force behind this is intrinsic, what I call part of the body map.

I just read “Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity” by Julia Serano where she describes this as ‘subconscious sex’ which is very much where I am going with this.  Julia has an entire chapter devoted to explaining the subconscious sex. It’s worth a read for anyone interested.

Well, all I can say is that was a very re-affirming experience.  I hope this helps others understanding themselves and perhaps helps explain it to our friends, allies and families.

With much aloha,

Sifan

Gender Orientation: Intersex Conditions within the Transsexual Brain  

Sexual Differentiation of the Human Brain: Relevance for Gender Identity, Transsexualism and Sexual Orientation

Scientists Discover Transsexual Gene

 

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Being ‘me’

Posted on September 29, 2013 by sifankahale

man-womanJust today, my partner wanted to talk – she felt conflicted.  She felt that she had to ‘be a man’ for me – to allow me to feel more like a woman.  But that this was depriving her of feeling like a woman.  I think this really underscores the importance of open communications and checking one’s assumptions – often.

I explained that I am not looking for, nor want a man or the influence of a man.  If one has to use a label, then I would be dead center lesbian – I don’t want a man or someone being ‘manly’.  Plus, I am in love with her – all of her – ‘her’ traits – emotions – body/soul – everything.  I don’t want nor expect her to change, especially for me to feel more as a woman.  I want to feel – like ‘me’ – no facade – free to express myself and act myself.  That just happens to match what society calls or labels as a ‘woman’.

I think we need to just drop the male/female labels and not get hung up that being a certain way or having a certain trait means we are more masculine or feminine because of it.  Helen Boyd’s “She’s not the man I married” goes into this in exquisite depth.  Forget about labels – there are far more exceptions then any cohesiveness to them.  Going through a transition, especially before starting one, we want to be everything female, somewhat blinding ourselves to our own reality.

I think this is necessary:  old Chinese proverb:  “the student must reject the mentor in order to excel and move forward”.  I think we first have to reject maleness and embrace what we see as total femininity to make those first steps, to clearly define what is and what is not.  This allows us to break the life long facade we held up and to identify it as such and see it clearly.

However,  this is an extreme – the pendulum is far over to one side, opposite of where is was – the extreme other side.  At some point it is imperative to center it, to center ourselves, to become not some idealized non-existent reality that no natal woman can even achieve, but to come back to ourselves – to explore and find who we are and then be that.

After all, that is what started this journey: we were not who we authentically ‘are’ and needed to change.   Now, if that means you are good at and enjoy car mechanics before, then do that now!  That was part of you.  Forget the labels, forget that’s a ‘masculine’ trait – its just a trait, a capability.  (By the way, one of the best mechanics here on this island is a natal woman ….. )

So, my partner and I have come to an agreement and understanding – we both just want to be ourselves – so let’s just do that.  She was missing the male that I used to be, but upon further exploration, she saw that those traits and capabilities were still there.  She wants to be the woman she is – and that is exactly who I fell in love with and need the most especially as I go through this transition and also through the rest of my life.

So, this journey is about being the authentic ‘me’ – not the facade I put on before.  Society best describes the summation of ‘me’ as a woman – and that is what I am.  But more than that or any labels – I am simply ….. me !!

With much Aloha,

Sifan

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Getting Legal

Posted on August 26, 2013 by sifankahale

NameSigns

A huge step in transition is to choose a new name reflecting my life and appropriate gender and then going through the steps to make that official.  This is a very significant step as it solidifies who I am and proclaims my new identity.  Even better – I get to choose it !

Here is what I did.  I’ll explain how I came up with my name, the steps I had to take in this state (every state is different so you need to check out yours) and some stories along the way …  I’ll include the gender forms that I used for social security and the state here.

My given name, “Si Fan” (思凡) was given to me in Beijing.  It’s part of a full name they researched and had gotten officially approved (see my Beginnings post).  It’s part of a name that meant “One who thinks differently” – I was an instructor, so this was very special.  I have been using this name as a nickname for almost 10 years.  My middle name is the feminine equivalent of my given name at birth.

My partner and I are going to be married in about 7 months and decided that instead of one of us taking on the others surname, that we would choose a completely new surname – one that we both liked, had meaning to us and represented the culture and place that we have become a part of.

After researching and deciding on my name the next step was to submit the paperwork to the Lt. Governor (the process in my state).  They in turn investigate and if all is ok send back a ‘notice of change of name’ which then has to be published in the paper.  Once the paper sends a notarized affidavit back to the Lt. Governor, he then issues a ‘order of change of name’ that is also notarized.  I ordered 14 originals for all the additional steps I have to take.  However, so far every single place has returned my original – so at this point I still have all 14 !  I sent my gender letters from my endocrinologist and my therapist so that the state records would be updated and the paper would publish with the correct gender.

In my state, the DMV required that the social security card be updated first.  So I brought my certified name change, the SSI application,  plus the SSI form for gender change (copied below).  As the rules had just changed regarding gender change – the person I was with had to bring in her supervisor in order to figure this out.   They both congratulated me and wished me well in my new role.  I could tell they were sincere and happy.  It was in the federal building here that my partner pulled me into the woman’s public restroom – my first time and almost a catastrophe!  See the bottom of my post on “Using the woman’s restroom“.

Note:  nearly everyone wants to ‘see’ the actual social security card with your new name on it.  They said it would take up to 10 days for it to arrive via mail – but mine arrived about 4 days later.  As far as the social security office is concerned, they said their records were updated as I sat there.  So work, the bank, etc could have called to verify that very afternoon.  However, they all wanted to physically ‘see’ that card and I had to wait until it arrived.

The DMV required a form which I had filled out before hand but which they changed and I had to fill it all out all over again when I got there.  I also had to present the order of change of name.  They have a form for gender change that I had both my endocrinologist and my therapist sign.  However, this form said “State Identification” and not “Drivers License”.  It was the only form they had for this ….  Being bureaucrats they had to send this up the line all the way to the state capital as I waited.  I had suggested that I could simply cross out the “State Identification” and write “State Drivers License” and after 45 minutes of waiting, the instructions came back: “have her cross off “Identification” and write in “Drivers License” and sign under the change” — ack !! They take your picture at the site and print a 60 day temporary license.  They told me to call if I didn’t receive my license within 30 days.  30 days – ack!  I received it in the mail about 10 days later.   The person that was helping me was the supervisor.  I told her I was sorry to take so much time.  At this point she turned from being the typical stone cold supervisor to a smiling, happy person.  After we were finished we hugged across the counter and she wished me happiness in my new life!   Just like the social security card, some places will not accept the temporary license – they need to see the real license which means I had to wait for that to arrive before I could proceed.

At this point I now have my social security card and my new drivers license, both with my new name and my gender changed to female.

My work place required a photocopy of the ‘real’ social security card plus the certified order of change of name and I included the statements from my endocrinologist and my therapist for gender change as well (I gave them copies of the forms I used for the social security).  Work is a bit tricky – I have to go back and check everything to make sure all was changed correctly.  This includes health care, retirement accounts, 401k, work email address, web access to HR and the state, directories and listings, dental coverage, eye coverage, and FHS co-pay.  Basically look at your benefits and coverage plans and make sure all of them are changed.  Since I work on a different island than where HR is located, I also had to make sure the separate listing at our facility here were also changed – including the name on the door and phone.

The bank I use required the actual social security card, the real drivers license (not the temp), and the certified order for change of name.  As the license had my new gender on it – that was all that was needed to change my gender.  Make sure all your checking, savings and other accounts are changed and order new checks with new names on them.  One tricky part of this, is that my payroll check was coming in and no one knew if the change at work would be reflected in time for the next payroll.  So I had the bank put a note in the file just in case.  Of course any outstanding checks could be of concern as well.  In my case, I had my partner write all the checks for a month before, even though the bank assured me all would be accepted ……

We know the customer representative at the bank.  About two weeks before the change of name, I had been in the bank presenting as a woman and waved at her as we walked out.  Her face lite up with a huge smile!  She sort of knew I was transitioning but I had never officially told her.  So when my partner and I came in to do the name and gender change, she was so helpful and happy.  We had a huge hug afterwards!!

When changing your name you have to be very careful about timing and have alternative solutions in place – just in case.  A good example of this is an airplane trip we are taking in a few weeks.  We had to make the reservations long ago in order to get good tickets at a good price, but that meant using my old name because this was before the name change was even submitted.  I had called the airline to find out what I had to do and what options were available.  If my name change came in before my flight – I could simple go to the local airport counter and present my documentation and they would change it.  Worst case, if my name change came through at the last minute, I could use my passport (they suggested to not change that until after).  As it turns out, I had enough time to have the ticket changed – both name and gender.  The woman behind the counter was the supervisor and was able to get everything changed.  She was going to charge me both for a name change and a ticket change, but after working with me on all this (lots of calls to her supervisor and the main office) she told me she would not charge me.  She was wonderful – she stayed to help me even though everyone else was closing up and leaving.  When finished, I reached over to shake her hand and thank her – she grabbed my hand with both of hers, came over and hugged me and we had a tearful goodbye and good wishes — so wonderful!

Because we booked this ticket using a different (from the airline) booking agent – I went back to their website and made sure all the changes were reflected.  I also noticed that my seat assignments were missing and I had to redo those.  It pays to always double check on any or all changes!

I’m not sure what it is, but so far everyone has been extra warm hearted and helpful during this process.  I know it takes two to tango and I very happy for all the good wishes and extra support everyone has shown me.

I have also changed my email, (kept my old email addresses but have them forwarding everything to my new address) created new facebook, linkedin, twitter, youtube and pinterest accounts and invited all my friends to these new accounts.  I also changed my cell phone.

What’s left?  Well, insurance, car titles, utility bills (electric, cable, internet), magazine subscriptions, societies and clubs I belong to.  I have a separation agreement that is being converted to a divorce.  The other state involved just needs the order for change of name certification for that.

Which leaves the birth certificate.  If I would have been born in this state – all would have been taken care of automatically.  However, I was born in a different state.  I will be sending the change of name order, but I need to do additional research on what they require for gender change.  They do have the capability to ‘impound’ the original birth certificate which basically means I was always Sifan !  I’ll edit this post and update this with what happens.

I’ll close with a very important point:  because some places require the actual documents and other places take time to get you these documents – there is always going to be a transition time when you are half and half – both names.  If you need to prove who you are (airport security, traffic stop, etc), you need to carry a) photo id b) something to connect your two names.  In my purse, I carry a certified copy of the order of change of name along with my old work id (picture id) and my new drivers license (picture id).  I also carry letters from my doctors and therapist stating both names and my new gender.

This was my experience, in this state, under the conditions I stated above.  You need to research and plan your legal name changes under your specific conditions but I hope this gives you some ideas and things to think about to make yours smooth and less hassles.

With much aloha,

Sifan

Form for Social Security gender change:

(Physician’s Address and Telephone Number)
I, (physician’s full name), (physician’s medical license or certificate number), (issuing U.S. State/Foreign Country of medical license/certificate), am the physician of (name of patient), with whom I have a doctor/patient relationship and whom I have treated (or with whom I have a doctor/patient relationship and whose medical history I have reviewed and evaluated).
(Name of patient) has had appropriate clinical treatment for gender transition to the new gender (specify new gender, male or female).
I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the United States that the forgoing is true and correct.
Signature of Physician
Typed Name of Physician
Date

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Using the Woman’s Restroom

Posted on August 25, 2013 by sifankahale

Of course a major issue for a transsexual is which restroom to use and when to start or switch to using it.  For me this issue ranked up there along with ‘pass-ability’ in my decision as to when to start living full time as a woman (starting my RLE – real life experience).  And this is an especially important issue to be addressed and solved at the workplace where we spend most of our day!

There comes a point where we have progressed in our transition (hormone treatment) that we can no longer effectively hide our ‘blossoming’ changes and it becomes harder and more difficult to continue using the restroom we had been using but at the same time we are not passable enough to use the restroom of our target gender.  What a conundrum!

Let me explain my situation first, as this is a bit unique.  A number of events all came together to make this a bit easier for me than what one would normally expect.  As they say, your mileage will vary, but some of what transpired here may be of use to others that are transitioning…

I’m just starting my 4th month on HRT and my body has changed beyond where I can effectively ‘hide’ it.  The best way to describe the situation at work is to say I am in a department that is somewhat out of place in the building where we are located – meaning we are a bit isolated.  I had come out to everyone in my department about 1/2 year ago – but not to others in the building as there is little interaction.    That all changed, as recently we had an all building ‘sensitivity’ training during which I was asked to explain the difference between gender and birth sex, gender presentation and sexual orientation (this was planned….).  This of course effectively ‘outed’ me and of course that is what I wanted and was the perfect setting (sexual harassment and workplace violence training – with our top lawyers giving the training).

At this same time my name change and gender change documents came through (see “Getting Legal“).  I am now officially named and have a gender of female in my state, my drivers license, social security and at my employment and my bank.

All of these events came together: progressing to a point where I needed to present as a woman full time, fully out to everyone in my department and to everyone in the building, the decision to start my RLE and all my documentation is changed – name and gender.

What was left to resolve was the restroom issue!  I was counseled to find a way to manage this independently as our HR is on another island.  So a couple of the women from my department went around and talked to each women in the building individually, specifically regarding the restroom.  I had talked to the different managers at our site to make sure this was ok.  I would then go around and say hi to each person and make sure they were ok.  All was well ….  This was about 2 or 3 weeks ago.

Then last week, one of the women, who is there only part time and usually during the morning when I’m not there, went to one of the managers and requested that the upstairs woman’s restroom be converted to ‘unisex’ with a lock.  Last Thursday was the first chance I had to say hi to her and she politely told me she requested this and gave me the following reasons:

– if we didn’t know you ‘from before’ …..

– you (meaning I) might feel uncomfortable if a woman in the next stall is having a period ….

– during public events outside people might be uncomfortable

For one, I’m an elder person – I know/have seen/been there – and how ‘dare’ she speak for me and what I might be uncomfortable with.  As far as outside woman using our facilities, I am 100 % presenting now and using public restrooms where ever I am.  As for knowing ‘who I am before’ – exactly when do you ‘not know’ and it becomes ok?  And finally as for converting that restroom to a ‘unisex’ with a lock – not only is that an inconvenience to others here, but in one way it’s sort of a slap on my face – a denial of who I am.  Furthermore, my documentation now states I’m female, I have started my RLE and it would be even stranger if I were to use the men’s room at this point!

Well, independently and unknown to me, the managers she went to, consulted with their higher authorities and came up with a brochure from Lambda Legal regarding a transsexual’s restroom rights and not only posted it on the main bulletin board but hand delivered a copy to this woman!

Now, my recommendation based on all this, is not to handle this internally, no matter what the situation is with your HR.  But to ask/demand that HR put out something official stating their policies.  Now, I do admit, I work for the state and there are policies that cover this and protect me – so you need to find that out for where you work first.  But after that – this is HR’s job, not mine or yours.  I am very grateful to the women who stood up for me, that fought for me and for the managers for taking action when they needed to.

20130812_112007

I’ll close with a cute story and an explanation of the accompanying image.   Back a few weeks ago when I first started my RLE we went down to the federal building to change my social security name and gender.  We parked in their garage and took the elevator up.  When we got out my partner asked if I had to use the restroom – not expecting what she was up to I said yes.  Then before I knew what was happened, she grabbed my hand and yanked me into the woman’s restroom which I had not noticed that we were standing in front of!  This was my first use of a public woman’s restroom…  It gets better:  we are using the stalls next to each other and she moves her foot over to touch mine – under the partition.  We played footsie in the woman’s bathroom stalls !  The she asks if I have my cell phone camera and states it would be great to have a picture of this.  It gets worse:  just as I take the picture, there is a sound as if someone else entered the restroom – then my phone decides it wants to use the ‘flash’ – ack !  So now I’m facing the situation where this is the first time in a public woman’s restroom, someone else might have just come in there, and I just took a ‘flash’ picture —- in the restroom.   Geeeesh.  Well, no one else was in there except us (must have been some building kind of noise) and here is the picture to prove it !

With much aloha,

Sifan

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Month 3 Summary

Posted on August 25, 2013 by sifankahale

This was my most significant month so far as changes go.  So much occurred this last month!

Sifan 20130816

The largest change was starting my RLE (Real Life Experience) – living full time, everywhere as a woman.  The event that triggered this was picking up my partner when she returned home (see my post “A daring surprise for my partner“).  Having my eye brows shaped and my hair styled not only allowed me to more clearly see how I have evolved physically and could finally ‘see’ the woman in me starting to bloom on the outside, but it also gave me the confidence to go full time.

This coupled with the sensitivity training at work (see “The Girl Card” where I was asked to explain transgender terms to our entire staff) gave me the opportunity to fully come out to the rest of the people at work.  This of course led to the “Use the woman’s restrooms” post.  Another major ordeal was “getting legal“.  I’ve been busy posting this month too!

I had planned to start my RLE in November as that would have been 6 months HRT and from the research I had done, that seemed like the proper time for a lot of the physical changes to have occurred and theory was I would be more passable.

However, I did not count on these changes happening sooner.  So much so that I had somewhat the opposite problem:  I could not hide the changes that were occurring!  My hair is longer, my breasts are larger (they show even if I bind them) and my face and body shape are changing as well.   When I had my brows shaped and my hair styled – poof – I was over the edge.

Granted – I do not consider myself ‘passing’:  my hair has a long way to go, my face is better – very little black hair left because of laser (but now I can see the little white hairs) and I have a long way to go with voice training.  I am getting a lot of hugs and well wishes, as I mentioned in the “getting legal” post.

So, I’m 100% living as myself – a woman.  The change in my day to day feelings and my interactions with others, especially at work, are wonderful.  I’m able to let go of the male facade and just be.  It might seem silly, especially to someone that does not have gender issues and it’s hard to explain, but the type of freedom and exuberance I feel is so great.  It has to do both with me internally, but also with society and how I’m seen and for the most part accepted.  To authentically be one’s self and to be seen and treated as such (and in a number of my relations – to be admired for taking these step) is an awesome thing.  I am very happy and content that I undertook this and have come this far with so many wonderful people around me.

Ok, now for the details on what has changed in this last month – I’ll break this down into external and internal this time:

Externally there have been a number of significant changes.  Most obvious are my breasts.  One of the signs they are growing is that the tube dress I like (has optional straps) I can wear without the straps now – it stays up just fine.  But they are hurting as they grow (ummm more like soreness – not a really bad kind of hurting).  I will get spots that become sore and a day later I’m larger there.  I started on the outsides, then they grew above the nipples, then on the insides (I have cleavage now), and then on the bottoms.  Then they were very sore directly under the nipples.  Each starts with a hardness, almost a lump (got me worried – but my doctor said it was ok and expected) that was sore and that slowly softened over a few hours and by the next day I was larger in that area.  Right now I have this hardness deep under each nipple and this is the sorest I’ve been so far.

Another big change regarding my breasts are their – ummm, how to say this politely …., they are ‘stimulatable’ … as my partner aptly proved one day – I darn near levitated ….  I had no sensations there before, so this is a big and obvious change (obvious to me…).

I’ve been losing weight and that plus the effects of hormones are having an effect.  My tummy is flatter and my bottom is ever so slightly filling out resulting in the appearance of some small but noticeable curves.  My woman’s jeans and pants are fitting very nicely now and some tops are able to emphasize those curves!

My face is starting to change as well.  I can just notice a difference from before.  It is losing its hard masculine features and everything is getting much softer.

Shaving:  legs and arms I shave about once a week, tummy and chest about every two day and I shave my face about every two days as well – more often depending on what I’m doing that day.

I’m not using cosmetics except for filling in my eye brows, coloring the slight grey/silver hair in two small spots by my ears and sometimes I’ll wear lipstick.  Daily I will blow dry my hair in such a way to give it lift, style it a bit and set it with hair spray.

Internally this is the first month where I have noticed any changes and ummmm, others have too.  I was always over reactingautomatically accommodating – to a fault.  Since my problems coming out to my oldest son, I have eased up on that quite a bit.  I no longer accommodate but now will openly question situations.  My partner used the word ‘bitchy’ at one point and ‘your hormones are acting up’, but then explaining that I’m being more sensitive and at some times ‘touchy’, reacting more strongly than the situation would seem to warrant – and then she added: “like a woman having her period”!    Others at work have been more diplomatic but basically said that more often I’m discussing things, being more assertive, questioning more and not being overly accommodating as I used to be.

The other internal change is harder to quantify.  Before I could sense when I felt ‘male’ or did a ‘male’ type of thing.  That has completely gone away.  I suppose it’s one of those things that are best seen – perhaps only seen – with hind sight.  All I can say is that testosterone, like estrogen, is a very very powerful agent.  I’m not sure which of these or all of these internal changes are due to what, but I can definitely say it is such a huge relief being done with testosterone (more accurately:  being on a low to normal female level).  I’m having a hard time trying to find the words to describe this.  It’s like there is no longer this need or drive to be alpha, to know everything, to solve everything or to be the one everyone looks to.  I now feel like I can rest in my true nature – a supporter, a friend, a confidant and a nurturer.  I love being protected, being taken care of, having someone hold the door open for me and just the smiles and hugs of companionship with other women.  In one way, it is so much a load off my shoulders and in another it is just so wonderful to be accepted for who I am – my real authentic self.

With much aloha,

Sifan

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Explaining MtF for the Cis-Female

Posted on July 6, 2013 by sifankahale

urlJust listened to a great interview with Lieutenant Colonel Cate McGregor on the Australian show One Plus One, in which she describes coming out as a transgender female.

In the quote below (link is below as well – this piece is at 14:50), she explains being a transsexual woman to the host.  She addresses one of the conundrums a natal woman has with understanding this.  This is something I have struggled to explain properly to many of my woman friends that I have come out to and is something I addressed in previous posts here on my blog site as well – although not nearly as eloquently as Cate does.

Umm, a quick refresher: “natal female” refers to someone who’s birth sex is female, “cis-female” refers to someone who is both a natal female and has a gender of female.  I am a transsexual: I’m a natal male with a gender of female – I’m not cis, I’m trans.

I hope this will help a cis-woman understand and grasp a transgender woman. For me the main point is the congruence of having one’s self being consistent:  mind/body/soul.

Cate’s outlook does resonate strongly with me.  Making it through mid-life (well for me a ‘wee’ bit past that), “before the intense need to live authentically.”  It’s great to hear someone else in the same situation but who has a wonderful tack for expressing this.

Cate’s addressing of authenticity of course riles some of the transsexual community:  “I don’t consider myself a woman, I’m transgendered”.  But in coming out to a fair number of the cis-women in my life, this was one of the issues almost always raised.  I like how Cate addressed this – “of course I do not have nor will have all the experiences of a natal woman” – but the main point is – that is ‘not’ the point!  The point is that she is congruent  – mind/soul/physical body, as she said “transition brought the reward of feeling that I was me at last”.

As my partner so aptly stated, for a cis-female, this addresses and I think answers or perhaps makes clear a basic conundrum, as it most certainly has for my cis-female partner.  As she puts it, being a woman is like a rainbow, there are all types – you can not tell where the red ends and the orange begins …  She does not think womanhood is divvied up into separate groups.

To say that you are natal/cis/trans is just a description, not a division, we are all women.  Like I stated in my other posts here – it’s equivalent to having red hair, it’s a description of part of the broad range of the human experience.  I’ve heard religious zealots declare a woman is someone who can give birth – excuse me – so females that are postmenopausal are not women?  Time for reality.

This is Cate’s quote from One Plus One: Lieutenant Colonel Cate McGregor:

“The grammar for transgendered feelings just does not exist. It’s incredibly difficult to explain what it feels like to be boiling over with the sense of being trapped in the wrong body and identity.

“There is a feeling that you are in a straight jacket, an unfolding nightmare.  I was sleepless for months on end, I was experiencing nightly panic attacks. I couldn’t see a way forward that offered any level of contentment.  It was a nightmare and ya, at some point I wondered how much more of it I could have endured frankly. It seems like a dimm memory now, it’s really interesting that once I actually surrendered to this and decided that I would do what I’m doing, I felt a real calm.  And as I’ve transitioned and been able to express myself as female, I have felt a baseline level of contentment that nothing can rob me of.

“I also need to put a caveat on this too, that I don’t consider myself a woman, I’m transgendered.  I’m living as a woman and that’s a capital AS, upper case AS.  I have to express myself as female – I have no other way of existing that feels authentic to me.  I haven’t been gendered the way other women have been gendered.   I’ve not lived with the constant threat of physical violence, I can’t bear children and there are women who can’t as well.  There is a whole range of experiences that I shall never have.  But, as a trans male to female woman I’m in a highly delineated group, so I don’t consider myself a woman in the sense you are.  But for me, it’s an expressive aspect that I need to live as female and I guess that is a long winded way of saying the transition brought the reward of feeling that I was me at last – whatever form that is.”

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Appreciating One’s Self

Posted on June 8, 2013 by sifankahale

1017080_441532959286908_1263357140_nSomehow we hear advice or quotes on life and never really ‘hear’ them.  We can know their meaning but somehow that remains superficial:  it’s meaning not really soaking in.

The latest one for me is “appreciating who I am” and “living each day – being happy in one’s self”.

Feeling my feminine nature, being able to express that freely and then witnessing that – exemplifies this.  So often these are taken for granted and life just continues on.  So seldom do we actually stop and notice/witness who we are and just simply revel in this moment.

But, to then take this moment of witnessing and ‘allow’ it to progress to the next level – honoring the moment and one’s self – empowering us to suddenly create these break-through events where seemingly staid and oft repeated cliche reveal their deeper meanings – it then ‘soaks’ in …

It’s that moment when a smile comes up from somewhere very deep inside of oneself and explodes upon your face and the world brightens!

Smiling profusely,

Sifan

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